Bill Gates Lobbies To Have His Face Put On U.S. $20 Bills

MEDINA, Washington –

Billionaire businessman and founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, is lobbying to have his face put onto U.S. $20 bills. The move comes in response to a growing desire to see “more original” money in circulation, and aims to replace President Andrew Jackson. Jackson has been the face of the $20 bill since 1928, but the 7th President of America is controversial in some circles and many want him off their money.

“I’ve worked hard my whole life to get to where I am today,” Bill Gates told the press. “I’m really rich so, technically, I should be able to get anything I want. I want to be on the $20 notes, and that should be granted to me. I have lots and lots of money. Since I own more money, and ergo, more twenty dollar bills than anyone else on the planet, I should be able to have my face on them.”

But critics say that, just because he has so much money, does not mean he owns the actual concept.

“Yes, he owns lots of currency,” said Lupel Troon. “But he doesn’t own the currency. That is the possession of the American people, and won’t change, even if he manages to possess most of it.”

Other pundits have been more amenable to Gates’s demands.

“He is the greatest manifestation of the American dream. It only stands to reason that he should be honored for this, and what more appropriate way than to put him on the money?”

Communist group, Equality For All (EFA), have rallied against Gates, saying he represents “everything that is wrong with America.”

“This is why capitalism does not work! It’s just another word for greed. Every American citizen should be represented on the currency, because we all work hard, and everyone deserves equal. Imagine no possessions – it’s easy if you try.”

Gates responded dismissively, saying, “Screw the commies. How do they even still exist? Anyway, they’re not gonna get in the way of big money.”

The bulk of our great capitalist nation tends to agree.

MYRTLE BEACH, South Carolina –

According to Myrtle Beach mayor John Plunkett, the utopia of the east coast will now be accepting sand dollars as currency.

With costs of all tourist expenses skyrocketing, the city decided it needed more options for currency. “There just aren’t enough dollars and cents to generate revenue anymore, especially with the rental costs for a beach umbrella at a shocking $1.00 per minute, and on a beach that could really use a good cleaning at that,” said Plunkett. As for value, one sand dollar will equal one American dollar. “We discussed this a lot, it was a very hard decision. But we figured with the word ‘dollar’ already in the mix, people would get very confused if it meant anything else.”

To be accepted as currency, sand dollars must be dead and dry. “You can’t just take a walk on the beach, find a sand dollar and try to buy a Corona with it. I know it’s a lot to ask, but for this to work we need our tourists and residents to have a grain of sand of dignity!” said Plunkett. “And trust me, a lot of research went into this, so we know what a sand dollar looks like if you use a hair dryer on it.”

The sand dollars will go into effect as real money in Myrtle Beach starting the first of next month. “The city consulted all local businesses about this, and we all agreed it would be great for us,” said local resident and waiter Boyd “Spanky” Gotcrabbes. “I can’t even express how excited I am to have hundreds of sand dollars to display on my mantle when I get home from a shift at the Crabs. No, not that kind! Shack. Crab shack! And sand dollars can’t even fit in a jar, so if I need a few bucks for a drink, all I have to do is grab some decorations, and head off to the bar.”

Plunkett, and the city of Myrtle Beach, are excited for the prospects of this new development. “If this works, other cities will do it…Charleston, Greenville, Columbia. It could even move up all the way to North Carolina. Maybe one day we’ll be in the history books for being the town that saved America from its terrible recession, and not just a boozy beach town with really expensive umbrella rentals.”