Trump Claims Victory After Castro’s Death: ‘I Did It!’

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As Reported By Satira Tribune:

“Nobody could kill that guy but I did,” said Trump. “It was the easiest thing ever.”

With over 600 assassinations attempts on the Communist Cuban leader life over the past 60 years, Trump was eager to show leadership and that he meant business through power.

“JFK, internal enemies, all of them failed, but not me,” said Trump. “I’m already accomplishing more than the past ten presidents combined. I think the voter chose the right person for the right job,” he said. “Really, how hard is it to kill…

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

Man Murders Girlfriend Because She ‘Wouldn’t Make Eye Contact With Him’

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As Reported By Empire Herald:

Anthony Jeffries, 29, of Little Rock, was arrested by authorities and charged with first degree murder after authorities found his 24-year-old girlfriend dead in the basement of his home. According to reports, Danica Rebel, the now deceased girlfriend of Jeffries, placed a series of 911 calls, regarding a domestic dispute between the two.

According to reports, Rebel had placed 3 calls to police, reporting that her boyfriend, was becoming violent with…

READ FULL STORY HERE

Parents Die After Not Checking Child’s Halloween Candy For Poison, Eating It Themselves

GARDINER, Georgia – 

A couple who ate some of their child’s Halloween candy without checking first to see if it had been tampered with died after they both ate chocolates that had been injected with rat poison.

Mary and George Richards, both 33, of Gardiner, Georgia, took their 4-year-old son, Michael, out trick or treating on Monday evening, and when they arrived home at around 8PM, they sent Michael to bed.

According to their Facebook page, they were planning on sneaking some of Michael’s candy, and had a status saying that they “hoped he wouldn’t notice.”

“Michael got so much candy tonight, I think George and I are going to take a bunch for ourselves,” read Mary’s status. “Isn’t that what Halloween is all about?”

Police say the two were discovered dead only 45 minutes later, when a neighbor came by to hang out.

“It was gruesome,” said the neighbor. “They were both bloated and foaming at the mouth. I called 911, but it was too late.”

Despite urban legends to the contrary, this is the first case of Halloween candy poisoning in all of recorded history that wasn’t perpetrated by a friend or family member of the victim.

McDonald’s ‘Kills Off’ Ronald McDonald After Scary Clown Epidemic

AUGUSTA, Georgia – 

McDonald’s Corporation has announced that they will be doing away with their longtime spokes-clown, Ronald McDonald, after a series of “scary clown” sightings throughout the country that have lead to assaults and terrorism threats.

“We think it’s time that we put Ronald McDonald to rest,” said company spokesman Marshall Richards. “He has been around for nearly 50 years, and it’s time we say goodbye. We have an entire cast of other friendly faces that can step up to take his place. No one is out there running around as a scary Grimace terrorizing people. We think he’ll make a great frontman.”

The company hasn’t aired any new Ronald commercials in 2016, and they said they plan to begin filming new commercials starring The Grimace, as well as the Hamburgler and other old favorites, during the first quarter of next year.

Ronald McDonald will receive a “memorial service” commercial that will be release online-only sometime before Christmas, the company said.

Boston Cop Shoots, Kills Black Man For Smoking A Joint

policeBOSTON, Massachusetts – 

On the heels of recent scandals involving police brutality among the African American community, Malik Edwards, a 36-year old African American man living in the Boston area was shot by police officers following a dispute regarding a marijuana cigarette.

According to witnesses, Edwards was seen sitting on the porch of his girlfriend’s home located in Evanston, Massachusetts, a municipality about 10-miles outside of Boston when the incident occurred. Edwards was accompanied by 2 additional African American males and his 32-year old girlfriend Nia Brown.

According to witness statements, including that of Brown’s, around 9:20 PM, 2 Evanston Police officers approached the individuals visiting on the porch and asked them what they were doing. According to Brown, Edwards, who had been smoking a marijuana cigarette, often referred to as a joint, spoke for the group and told the police officers that they were just visiting and unwinding after a long day of work.

The police officers asked Edwards what was in his hand (referring to the marijuana cigarette), and Edwards replied, “Oh this is just a little something that helps me to unwind after a long day”. The police officers demanded Edwards put out the marijuana cigarette, to which according to witnesses, Edwards was slow to comply.

 

(read more at The Boston Tribune)

Former CIA Agent Confesses To Killing Marilyn Monroe While On His Deathbed

NORFOLK, Virginia – 

A 78-year old retired officer of the CIA, Normand Hodges, has made a series of astonishing confessions since he was admitted at the Sentara General Hospital on Monday. He claims he committed 37 assassinations for the American government between 1959 and 1972, including the actress and model, Marilyn Monroe.

Mr. Hodges, who worked for the CIA for 41 years as an operative with top-level security clearances, claims he was often employed as a hitman by the organization, to assassinate individuals who could represent a threat to the security of the country.

Trained as both a sniper and a martial arts expert, Mr Hodges says he also has significant experience with more unconventional methods of inflicting harm upon others, like poisons and explosives.

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Mr. Hodges swears he remembers vividly, each of the assassinations he committed for the CIA.  He claims that all 37 of the murders he committed on the American soil, were ordered by his commanding officer, Major James “Jimmy” Hayworth.

The elderly man claims he committed his assassinations between August 1959 and March 1972, at a time when he says “the CIA had its own agenda“. He says he was part of an operative cell of five members which carried out political assassinations across the country. Most of their victims were political activists, journalists and union leaders, but he also claims that he killed a few scientists and artists whose ideas represented a threat to the interests of the United States.

Mr. Hodges says that Marilyn Monroe remains unique among his victims, as she is the only woman he ever assassinated. He claims he has no regrets, however, as he says that she had become a “threat for the security of the country”  and had to be eliminated.

“We had evidence that Marilyn Monroe had not only slept with Kennedy, but also with Fidel Castro,” claims M. Hodges. ” My commanding officer, Jimmy Hayworth, told me that she had to die, and that it had to look like a suicide or an overdose. I had never killed a woman before, but I obeyed orders… I did it for America! She could have transmitted strategic information to the communists, and we couldn’t allow that! She had to die! I just did what I had to do!”

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Marilyn Monroe died between midnight and 1 AM, on August 5, 1962. Mr Hodges claims he entered her room while she was sleeping and injected her with a massive dose of chloral hydrate (a powerful sedative), mixed with Nembutal (a short-acting barbiturate), causing her death.

The 78-year old man was placed under custody by the FBI, which is taking Mr Hodges’ confession very seriously and has opened an investigation to verify his allegations. The investigation might be very complicated, however, as very few written files are available on such secret activities and most of the actors implicated in the various cases are already dead.

The most important witness in the story after Mr. Hodges himself, his alleged commanding officer, Major James Hayworth, died of a heart attack in 2011. Two of the other three “CIA assassins” identified by Mr Hodges are also dead, and the last one, Captain Keith McInnis, went missing in action in 1968 and is presumed dead.

Teen Commits Suicide After Bernie Sanders Endorses Hillary Clinton

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BURLINGTON, Vermont – 

A 19-year-old college student in Vermont has reportedly hung himself in his home after his parents report that he spent two days locked in his room, watching Bernie Sanders videos on YouTube.

“Mario was a good kid, a strong boy, and he was an adamant supporter of Bernie Sanders,” said Mario Lewis’ mother, Mary. “The whole family were very proud to support Sanders, but Mario definitely took it the hardest when Bernie backed Hillary. He was in tears ever since.”

Mary says that her son was a straight-A student throughout high school, had graduated early, and was studying political science at Vermont State College.

“This is the most disturbing thing to happen in my life, and I can’t believe it was all about this stupid election,” said Mary. “I just keep telling myself that he’s in a better place, and that it doesn’t matter that he’s gone now, because come November, we’re all going to be fucked anyway.”

Pokemon Go Game Leads To 45 Car Pile-Up On Arizona Highway

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

A 46-year-old man, Nathan Winter, was charged with reckless endangerment and negligent homicide after he caused a 45 car pile-up while playing the popular cell phone game Pokemon Go.

Police say that Winter was not paying attention to the road and his attention was diverted as he tried to catch a Meowth while driving down the Phoenix I-75 highway when he rear-ended a Mack truck, causing a vicious accident that caused 4 deaths and countless injuries.

“In retrospect, it was a really bad idea,” said Winter, who says he had just downloaded the game earlier in the day. “My daughter was playing, and it seemed kind of fun, so I wanted to check it out, too. 3 hours of playing, and I was hooked. I was on my way home when my phone vibrated, and it said there was Meowth around. It happened to be right on the bumper of the eighteen wheeler in front of me. Sadly, I wasn’t paying attention, and slammed right into it trying to catch him.”

Police say that the Pokemon Go game has become extremely viral, and although has caused several injuries from people not paying attention to their surroundings while playing, this is the first case of major death. Nintendo, who is the company behind the game, could not be reached for comment.

Terrorists Sending People Infected With ‘Black Death’ To U.S. As Form of Chemical Warfare

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The CDC has released a warning for doctors to screen patients with flu-like symptoms for the pneumonic plague, after ISIS has threatened biological warfare.

The disease, caused by a bacterium called Yersinia pestis, most often is transmitted to humans through rodent flea bites or by handling infected animals. Pneumonic plague differs from bubonic plague in its symptoms and the fact that it can be spread through the air rather than just by contact.

Unlike bubonic plague, pneumonic plague can be spread from person to person. According to the CDC, “Pneumonic plague affects the lungs and is transmitted when a person breathes in Y. pestis particles in the air.”

Usually associated with the massive waves of “black death” that swept across Europe during the Middle Ages, the plague still occurs occasionally in the United States, though it is treatable with modern antibiotics.

Although the disease is treatable, terrorists may try to catch people off guard. Pneumonic plague is one of the most pathogenic microbes in the world. Symptoms are sudden and similar to a violent flu, followed by lessions in the groin, armpit, and neck lessons. Eventually the fingers and toes turn black from lack of circulation followed by uncontrollable seizures and death within 36 hours. The CDC advises anyone with these symptoms insist they are tested for pneumonic plague.

Florida Gators To Change Name Following Alligator Attack That Killed Two-Year-Old

gators

MIAMI, Florida – 

College football team The Florida Gators has announced it will be changing its name following the death of a two-year-old boy who was grabbed and drowned by an alligator while vacationing with his family at the Disney World Resort in Florida.

The alligator snatched the toddler as he played at the edge of the Seven Seas Lagoon, a manmade lake at the Walt Disney resort.The boy’s parents, who were relaxing on the white sand shore nearby, sprang into action in a failed attempt to pry their child from the predator’s grip. A lifeguard who was on duty was unable to reach the boy before the alligator swam away with him.

Although the parents did not request the SEC Eastern Division champions change their name, the athletics department at the State University System of Florida says they have received a lot of public pressure. Coach Jim McElwain says he fears it may affect the team. “Personally, I think alligators get a bad rap. I’m worried a name change this close to start of the season is unrealistic and may affect team moral.”

The team has not settled on a new name, but the Raging Retires and Orange Crushers has been proposed.

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