Obama Admits To Forging Birth Certificate; President Not Natural-Born U.S. Citizen

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It looks as though many Republicans and ‘birthers’ were right all along. In a press conference this morning from the White House, President Obama admitted that he had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not a natural-born U.S. citizen.

“It’s true that I was not born here in this great country,” said the President in his speech. “That does not mean, though, that I have not led us through some great times. I have fought hard to make sure we are protected. I almost single-handedly killed that son of a b—- bin Laden. I have driven us into, and then right back out of, a horrible recession. I knew what needed to be done to get to where I am, and so I had to make it happen.”

President Obama has been the talk of many conspiracy theories over the course of his presidency, beginning while he was still running for office. At one point in time, a poll showed that over 50% of people in the Republican party thought that Obama had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not constitutionally allowed to be president. These people, often referred to as ‘birthers’, hold onto one of several theories, including that the president was born in Kenya, that he is a dual US/UK citizen, or that he is of Indonesian citizenship. The rumors and theories became so bad that in 2008, President Obama released what is now being found to be a forged birth certificate, stating he was born in Hawaii.

“I had to do what I did to become president,” continued Obama. “Yes, the birth certificate is a forgery. No, I was not born in Hawaii – my God, do I even look like I was born in Hawaii? Don’t answer that, actually. Regardless – as your elected leader, I plan to continue to run this country the best that I can for the remainder of my term, and prove to everyone that a strong leader can come from anywhere, and still take over this great land.”

Before the announcement, President Obama went through the motions of giving himself an executive pardon, making it impossible to stand accountable for breaking the law, something that until this presidency, no one had ever considered possible.

“I have pardoned myself for my crimes, and for lying to the country,” said the President. “Therefore, I will not be able to be arrested or taken into custody. In the eyes of our great judicial system, I have now done nothing wrong.”

Despite the shock of the announcement, and the surprise of the pardon, many reporters at the White House were still wondering where Obama was actually born, if the entire time his birth certificate had just been a ruse.

“I am so glad that you asked that,” said Obama. “To be truthful – no, I am not from this great nation. Nor was I born in Kenya. To be fair, I am actually not even of this world. I come from a distant planet, known as Garlarktaschpel, which when translated to English becomes ‘Change.’ I am, indeed, the most illegal kind of alien there is.”

“I have tried to tell you all from the beginning that ‘Change’ was coming, and I am making this announcement now to let you know that ‘Change’ is very near. My people, the Changers, are nearing Earth. We are coming. The Changers will bring life to those who deserve it, and death to the remaining. It will be The Rapture. It will be the end for most. If you thought you feared ‘Change’ before, then just wait for what’s coming.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an attempt to appeal to all demographics, the Republican Party has announced plans to change its symbol from the iconic, steadfast image of the elephant, to a yacht. This campaign to make the historical change in a political party so known for tradition was spearheaded by the young adults of the party, specifically the Young Republic National Federation, also known as the YRNF.

“It’s about time,” said YRNF president Braxton Davis. “Every hard-working, Christian, tax-hating, big business-loving, pro-life, Polo-wearing Republican has a yacht for cracking open American made brewskis.”

The party is frantically preparing for the 2016 presidential election, when the yacht symbol will be in full effect. To at least pretend like they try to save money, they’ll use the rest of the stickers, posters, and pins that have elephants on them until they completely run out.

“This way, the party is more itself. I mean, I’ve met Democrats who love elephants…this girl I dated had an elephant necklace and she voted for Obama. But I can’t even count how many Democrats like yachts on a finger, but that’s mostly because I can’t lift my fingers due to the giant class rings and champion rings from my years of playing good old American football,” Davis added. “And if the Democrats want to get on our level, we think a marijuana cigarette would be a great symbol.”

This transition has been reviews as being very popular among older, ‘respected’ Republican politicians. Mitt Romney said, “While not all Republicans drink American brewskis on their yachts, this symbol really speaks to all generations of Republicans, and will make a huge difference in our long, hard effort to take over the universe.”