Psychiatrist Says That He Has Discovered ‘Cure’ For Depression


BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A psychiatrist in Boston says that he has found the perfect cure for clinical depression, and it will get many people off their lifelong medications.

“I have discovered that the cure is quite simple,” said Dr. Marvin Leroy, of Boston. “When I have a patient come in and tell me they’re feeling depressed, I simply tell them to cheer up, and stop being such a Debby-Downer. As of right now, I have a 100% success rate, as not a single patient of mine returns for a follow-up visit.”

Dr. Leroy says he plans to publish his findings in the next Harvard Medical Journal, which is published bi-yearly.

Huffing Your Own Feces Can Help To Cure Depression Symptoms


BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Gavaland University in Boston, Massachusetts, have discovered what they say is a “cure” for long-term depression and bi-polar symptoms, and it’s been staring you in the rear-end the entire time. The research team has concluded that people who consistently huff and smell their own feces will lead happier, healthier lives.

“The more often you smell your own gas, or your own feces, the happier you will be,” said Dr. Richard Kimball, who headed the study. “As it was so eloquently put in one of those Austin Powers movies, ‘Everyone likes the smell of their own brand.’ This, it turns out, is extremely true, to the point that smelling your own gas or feces will actually brighten and calm your moods.”

Dr. Kimball says that they followed the effects over 4 years on 200 patients, all of whom were required to sniff their poop in front of the doctors, multiple times a day, over the course of the study.

“At first it was weird taking a shit in front of a doctor, but they said it was because they didn’t want anyone to be swapping their shit with someone else’s, because it would ruin the study,” said Maria Johnson, who was one of the first to sign up. “At any rate, it turns out that my mood really was lifted from sniffing shit, so I’m glad I took part.”

The study participants were not given anything for their help in the research other than a high-fiber diet and a smile.

Psychiatrist Prescribes Video Games To Fight Depression

video games

DELUTH, Minnesota – 

Dr. Frank Stephenson has started prescribing video games such as The Sims and World of Warcraft to his patients. He claims it treats depression better than any drug currently on the market.

“Too many of my patients life seems so pointless. Get up. Go to work. Fall deeper in debt. Never really achieve your dreams. Soon you’re in your fifties and your wife that left you is remarried and much happier now.

“The big breakthrough came for me when I gave up on trying to help people change their lives for the better. People never change. What I can do is help people escape from their droll lives. We can’t give out the good meds because those are too addictive, and face it – anti-depressants don’t give you a good buzz, so they’re basically worthless. Video games though – they can transport you to another world.”

Dr. Stephenson says video game therapy can work for all types of depression including seasonal, major, chronic, existential, and post-partum. “I’ve even had some luck with prescribing VGT to bipolar patients. Of course sometimes they’ll play for days straight during their manic phases and give up before beating the game once their depressive phase hits. Lithium usually helps with that.”

Although there are no clinical studies to back up his work, Dr. Stephenson says anyone who tries it will see. Dr. Stephenson also cautions that video game therapy should be used in moderation, and only as a temporary substitute for real life.

Major Stock Crash Expected in 2016; Experts Say Invest in Commodities


NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Stocks are off to their worst start since 2000, and investors a warned they could face a cataclysmic year. Experts at the Royal Bank of Scotland attribute this tensions between Iran and Saudi Arabia.

Don’t have any stocks to sell? Doomsday preparation expects advice to stock up not just on the obvious like food and oil, but commodities like alcohol and cigarettes, prices of which will soar after the price.

Tim McCain, a “doomsday prepper,” says, “It’s all well and good to have jugs of water and cans of Vienna sausages, but you got to think like an investor. What are people going to want? I’m banking on whiskey and condoms. They’re going to want to drown their troubles in their cups and indulge in a cheap whore – cause they’ll be plenty around trying to trade sex for a dozen eggs.”

“No one’s going to want to bring anymore bastard mouths into the world when daddy DHHS stops handing out those food stamps. I expect a condoms will be more in demand than guns,” said financial analyst Billie Joe Lewis. “Anyone who says food is the wave of the future isn’t planning for true catastrophe.”

Pharmaceutical Companies Partner With Big-Tobacco, Create E-Cigarette To Treat Depression

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Pharmaceutical Companies Partner With Big Tobacco, Create E-Cigarette To Fight Depression

It appears Big-Pharma has gotten into bed with Big-Tobacco, as plans emerge for a new line of prescription only, non-nicotine e-cigarettes. Instead of popping Prozac pills with their morning coffee, depression and anxiety sufferers may be able to choose an antidepressant that works like an e-cigarette.

Denise Richards, of the manufacturer E-Relax, explains the benefits. “The water vapor delivery system helps satisfy oral-fixation, while delivering low doses of medicine that you can control. Stressful meeting at work? Puff some relief at your desk,” she said. “Both our companies are big supporters of the Health Care Act. Americans are unhappy, but now they’re insured!”

When asked why their prescription drug company would partner with a tobacco company, she replied, “Well, they’ve been pushing legal drugs forever now. They know how to acquire a loyal lifelong customer.”

A representative for Phillip-Morris, the largest manufacturer of tobacco products, said that things are taking a turn for the worse in the world of cigarettes, and that they needed to be prepared.

“As a company, we have to face the fact that tobacco is going to be illegal someday. They’re legalizing weed in all these states all the time, and our lousy tobacco cigarettes can’t hold a candle to smoking a marijuana cigarette,” said Jim Rogers, cigarette lobbyist. “People are switching in droves. Obviously, our brand is dying. We can’t advertise on TV or radio anymore. Next will be magazines, I’m sure. Hell, We can’t even sell to children anymore!”

“Plus, we were never able to get into the safe cigarette market, since making a ‘safe alternative’ would be admitting cigarettes were harmful,” said Peter Jacobs, a health expert working for Phillip-Morris. “We had to protect our own asses. We once tried making a nicotine-free version of a cigarette, but seriously, that’s like decaf coffee – people will still drink it, but why’s the point?”

“Slinging antidepressants will allow us to break into that juicy, angsty-teen market,” explained Rogers. “Now they can look cool while taking their medicine. We eventually hope to expand the line to include ADHD medication, which we know would make us a boatload of cash with the kids.”

79-year-old Myles Martin says, “I love the idea. I used to be a smoker, and I miss it sometimes. I need my depression meds, but now I can just smoke it, and relive my glory days. I hope they make it for my E.D., next. There’s nothin’ sexy about poppin’ my little blue pill in the same manner as my blood thinner, but every woman will be turned on if I’m taking puffs off an e-cig.”

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