Remains of Gangster Jimmy Hoffa Finally Discovered – You Won’t BELIEVE Where They Found Them!

Posted on May 31, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

A startling discovery was made in downtown Detroit on Wednesday, as a group of children were playing in one of the city’s many abandoned and dilapidated homes. According to police, two young boys were inside the rundown home’s basement when they called 911 to report they found bones.

“The two children, Mario and Carl Miller, aged 11 and 14, discovered what turned out to be a femur while playing in an abandoned house,” said Police Chief Ravi Moore. “After police arrived on scene with a crime scene investigator, we were able to unearth an entire skeleton, which has since been identified through forensic testing to be the remains of Jimmy Hoffa, the world-famous gangster.”

According to Chief Moore and the Detroit Coroner’s Office, it seems as though Hoffa died of natural causes.

“Best we can guess, is that he was hiding out in the basement of this home for an unknown amount of time. Like most of Detroit, the house has been in ruins since the mid-70s, which is around the time he went missing,” said Moore. “No one has lived in this house since, and we assume that at some point, parts of the house just sort of collapsed on him. His death has been ruled as an accident. As it turns out, there was no foul play involved at all.”

Hoffa’s remains will remain in Detroit, and eventually set up on display at the Smithsonian Museum.

Father Beats, Castrates Man Who He Says ‘Looked At Daughter In The Wrong Way’

Posted on April 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

A Detroit man was arrested after he viciously beat and castrated a man who looked at his 16-year-old daughter while passing on the street. Carl Grover, 47, says that Mick Lowe, 19, deserved the attack, because he “checked out” his daughter.

“That sick bastard looked at my baby’s ass when we walked by on the street, and that ain’t no way to be acting around girls, especially my daughter,” said Grover. “Ain’t no one going to be thinking about putting their dick into my daughter, so ripped his off with my bare hands.”

Lowe, who is hospitalized and has already gone through 14 hours of extensive surgeries, is stable, but doctors say that his penis is completely gone, with no chance of being reattached.

“We have tried to make his penis a useable organ again, but the assailant was vicious in his attack, and tore it apart like a rabid dog,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a surgeon who has been treating Lowe. “It’s the most violent attack I believe I’ve ever seen.”

Lowe says that he never even noticed Grover or his daughter, until he was attacked from behind after he has passed them by.

“I definitely didn’t look at his daughter like he says,” claims Lowe. “I don’t normally go around checking out the backside of girls as I walk down the street. I mean, that isn’t typical of any gay man that I know.”

Gang Initiation In Detroit Causes Panic After 30 People Killed In 30 Days

Posted on April 5, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

A new gang trying to make a name for themselves in Detroit, Michigan is said to be playing a deadly game. The crew, known on the streets as The Detroit Hitmen are allegedly looking to kill 100 random people over a 100 day period. So far, police say the gang has killed 30 people, none of which had gang affiliations or ties of any kind.

“These people, this gang, they’re killing anyone. They’re killing young or old, black or white. The deaths have no connection, and we are at a loss on how to stop them,” said police chief Gabe Miller. “We want everyone to stay inside, keep your doors locked. They are not killing at any time of day. The deaths have been random, from stabbings to shootings. The violence is unreal.”

Chief Miller says that the gang is made up of at least 50 different members, all of whom are white.

“Unlike the black gangs, which usually wear colors or have identifying marks or signs, this gang doesn’t do any of that,” said Chief Miller. “That’s what makes them so deadly. All of the suspects we’ve dealt with were white, mid-to-late 20s, educated, and articulate. Most of them come from middle-class or upper-middle-class homes. Trying to handle this violence when it’s being perpetrated by white kids is extremely difficult.”

Insane Clown Posse Member ‘Violent J’ Hospitalized, Reportedly In Coma

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

According to reports, rapper and actor Joseph Bruce, better known by his stage name Violent J, 42, was rushed to a Detroit-area hospital Friday morning after falling into a coma.

The musician, who is one half of the Juggalo-duo Insane Clown Posse, was apparently enjoying a quiet breakfast at home with his wife, when he fell from his chair and collapsed to the floor.

“It was horrible, I screamed and practically knocked the table over trying to get to him,” said J’s wife, Michelle “Sugar Slam” Rapp. “He went down like 34 or 35 tons of bricks. He smeared grease paint all over the floor when he went down, and spilled his Faygo all over the place. Thank God the kids weren’t around to see it. What a mess.”

Doctors say the rapper, who is morbidly obese, is in a diabetic coma, and they are monitoring him after injecting the rapper with several doses of insulin.

“Mr. Violent J is a hefty fellow, for sure,” said Dr. George Hatchetman. “His diet, which his wife says mostly consists of donuts, bagels, and Faygo Root Beer floats, is not in any way healthy for a man of his size, with his health problems. It’s a wonder that Mr. J hasn’t had issues before, especially during his wrestling career. It’s amazing he hadn’t suffered a heart attack.”

“Man, that motherfucker could get stabbed in the balls, ass, and face, and still come out on top,” said co-founder and other half of the Insane Clown Posse, Shaggy 2 Dope. “That dude, he’s my Big Baby Sweets. He’s my Goddamn homie, and I know God’s looking out for us from that big motherfucking penthouse in the sky. J is gonna be okay. I’d bet my best neden on that shit.”

Detroit Hospital doctors say that they are currently listing J’s condition as critical, but do not believe that his condition is life threatening. Juggalos from across the country have been gathering outside of the hospital, singing ICP songs, drinking Faygo RedPop, and smoking copious amounts of weed. The police, as well as local FBI agents, say they are keeping a close watch on the growing group, in preparation of any gang-like activities.

Cowboys Organization Fined For Sending Referees A ‘Thank You’ Basket After Beating Detroit Lions

Posted on January 13, 2015 by JP

DALLAS, Texas –

America’s team is making national sports news once again, after it was reported that the team is being charged with major fines from the NFL. The Dallas Cowboys pulled what the NFL Commission is calling a ‘cocky stunt’ after their play-off game against the Detroit Lions. The game involved what many people, including die-hard Cowboys haters, one of the worst play calls in sports history.

Referee Pete Morelli was officiating the game, and took back a crucial pass interference flag. If the play was held, the Lions would have been in scoring position, probably winning the game, and moving forward in the playoffs. Because of the call reversal, the Cowboys were put into a better position, and ended up taking the game from the Lions.

Fans speculated that Morelli was being paid off and he helped the Cowboys win the game. Normally, accusations like those happen mostly by big-mouthed internet trolls and random sports anchors, but in the end, fans understand that those are just accusations, or sports-related conspiracy theories.

In this case, though, referee Pete Morelli received a ‘Thank You’ basket, put together and sent by the Dallas Cowboys management. The gifts were said to be very expensive, including a gold and diamond watch, a 120-year-old bottle of bourbon, a cruise for 2 to the Bahamas, and the keys to a brand new Tesla Model S. A card that came with the items simply read “Thanks for giving us the game. We definitely couldn’t have done it without you. Love, Dallas.”

Morelli’s lawyer suggested he hand the gifts over to the NFL commission to avoid any chance of reprimand from the NFL. He did so, and the commission is investigating the incident, with possible major fines being levied on the Dallas owners.