Coca-Cola’s ‘Coke Zero’ Product Is Discontinued, Replaced With ‘Coke +Diabetes’

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Coca-Cola has announced that they are doing away with their line of products under the “Coke Zero” brand, and are instead going to focus on “what the American people really want,” which is to get as fat and be as unhealthy as possible.

“The problem with Coke Zero, is that – although not traditionally ‘healthy,’ it was by far one of the most healthy items we had on our list of products,” said Coca-Cola president Mark Zimmer. “It sold so infrequently, that we spent years in the red on that one product. It just isn’t working. Meanwhile, sales of our flagship Coca-Cola have skyrocketed. People just aren’t doing diet or zero calorie items anymore. They want all the flavor, and they want all the sugar. Thus, Coke +Diabetes was born.”

Zimmer says that Coke +Diabetes has 16 times the normal amount of sugar found in a standard Coca-Cola, and will have more sugar than any other drink on the market once it hits shelves this October.

Family Sues Life Savers Company For False Advertising After Man Contracts Diabetes, Dies

lifesavers

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A family in Massachusetts is suing Mars Inc over the false advertising of their Life Savers brand of candy after a man who was obsessed with their Wint-O-Green hard candies contracted diabetes and later died.

“You cannot call your product a ‘life saver’ if it can kill you,” said Martha Roberts, 53, whose husband, Carl, died after becoming obsessed the candies. “Carl would be turning 58 tomorrow, except these candies killed him, and it’s not right.”

According to the lawsuit, Roberts contends that her husband thought that Life Savers were a “healthy food,” because they were called Life Savers. He would usually eat 4 or 5 large bags of the individually wrapped candies a day for months at a time.

“He was obsessed with them, and we thought he was doing okay. They’re really low calorie, and he did lose some weight because he was only eating Life Savers,” said Roberts. “Then he passed out one day, and we rushed him to the ER. The doctors said his blood sugar was over 1,000, and he was in a diabetic coma. He died later that night. I’m still devastated, the whole family is.”

Mars Inc had no comment on the lawsuit. A lawyer for the company said they would be “looking into” the claims.

Pepsi Announces New Version Of Cola With 50-Times Sugar Content Called Pepsibetes

pepso

MIAMI, Florida –

PepsiCo, Inc has announced another new product that they plan to launch later this year, following in the footsteps of their 1893 brand, which uses real kola nut in its processing. Now, the company says they plan to launch a version of their original cola that has 50 times more sugar than their original blend.

“Pepsibetes is going to be, essentially, more sugar than anyone should ever consume in one sitting,” said Pepsi spokesman Rick Harris. “It’s delicious, and totally sweet. We have spent years developing this particular recipe in hopes that people will enjoy a new, amazing drink that will really kickstart your day.”

The caffeine content of the soda is expected to also increase, but Pepsi is reportedly not planning to market the drink as an energy beverage.

“We just want another soda option out there, to give someone who maybe hasn’t had a Pepsi in a while a new reason to buy our soda again,” said Harris. “Be sure to keep your insulin at hand, though, because this soda will turn your blood into paste.”

Man Completely Flushes Diabetes From Body By Drinking 100 Gallons of Water

diabetes

JONESVILLE, Florida – 

A 230-pound man, George Lewis, says that he completely rid his body of type-2 diabetes by drinking nothing but water – over 100 gallons in total – over a week-long period.

“My doctor told me I needed to be more hydrated, and stop eating so much crap,” said Lewis, 37. “I was a diabetic, and I didn’t want to die. So I started drinking more and more water, and then I realized I couldn’t stop drinking water. Over a week, I drank over 100 gallons. About 15 jugs a day.”

According to Lewis and his doctors, the former construction worker is no free of diabetes, with blood sugar levels at around 87.

“It’s amazing, really. The first time I’ve ever seen anything like it,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, Lewis’ physician. “I told him to get some more fluids, and get some exercise, but he took this to heart. I’m glad he went above and beyond. His body is working like a champ.”

“Thing of it is, when I had diabetes, I was peeing probably every hour or so. Like a pregnant woman,” said Lewis. “After my water battle, I’m peeing every 10 minutes or so; have been for about 3 weeks. In the end, though, it’s all good. At least I’m disease free.”

Vaping May Save Your Lungs, But E-Juice Shown To Cause Diabetes

vaping

GERALD, Florida – 

Over the last few years, many people have turned to vaping, or smoking e-cigarettes to help them quit smoking, or to ween of regular cigarettes. Although many people have said that vaping has help them to stop smoking, new studies are showing that instead of lung cancer, people who vape are more likely to contract type-2 diabetes.

“Do people even look at what is in the e-juice that they fill their vape machines with?” asked Dr. Emmett Brown of Harvard Medical College. “I mean, the ingredients in almost every single type we tested was nicotine and sugar. If it happened to be the nicotine free type of juice, then the ingredients were listed as sucralose and water – sugar water.”

Vaping has become increasingly popular in the last few years, but as more and more people take up the habit, the rate of type-2 diabetes in smokers has gone through the roof.

“Last year, in my clinic, we studied 200 people who were interested in quitting smoking. They began vaping, and all of them got of cigarettes,” said Dr. Brown. “Although this is a marvelous thing, every single one of them is also now a diabetic, and have to go on insulin and a special diet.”

Major vape companies, such as CoolVapesNow.com, have said that there is “no way” that their product causes any illnesses in its users.

“It’s just water vapor, man. I don’t know why everyone is getting so worked up about it,” said CoolVapes owner Myles Jones. “Vape on, that’s what I say. Vape on, bros.”

Doctors Advise Drinking Coca-Cola Can Help To Cure Diabetes

coke

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

A recent study by a team of medical professionals hired by the Coca-Cola company reportedly proves that drinking the soda in large amounts can effectively cure diabetes in people who suffer from the disease.

“The way that Coca-Cola is made, we found that is has extremely high levels of sugar, and normally that would be bad,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, one of the lead researchers hired by the company. “But, what happens when you drink extreme amounts of Coca-Cola is that your body almost ‘forgets’ that it is drinking sugar. If you drink nothing but Coca-Cola and Coca-Cola products, eventually your body gets used to it, and believes, essentially, that you are drinking water.”

Brown says they studied 500 people with diabetes, and put them on a strict diet of nothing but Coca-Cola.

“I have been drinking nothing but Coke for over a year now,” said test subject Jamal Jenkins. “I feel mostly okay. I don’t move to good, since they removed my feet awhile back, but otherwise, I’m pretty decent. I’m also stoked that I have a lifetime supply of Coke thanks to being a part of this project. I do love me some soda. Can’t beat the real thing.”

Brown states that of the 500 people who had diabetes at the start of the research program, 132 of them had since died, and the rest still had diabetes.

“We’re counting those deaths in the ‘win’ column,” said Brown. “Those people definitely don’t have diabetes anymore.”

New Study Finds Eating Dried Seaweed Can Cure Diabetes

TOKYO, Japan – 

Most of the nation is overweight or obese, and a good majority of Americans suffer from diabetes, but a new food study may help to combat the scourge of high blood sugar.

According to the Toyko Medical Journal, a diet consisting of dried, salted seaweed snacks can help to cure diabetes in patients who suffer from the disease. Dr. Hoy Mokato has been studying the effects of seaweed on diabetics for more than a decade, and has recently published his findings.

“Seaweed is plentiful and inexpensive, and high in iodine and other nutrients good for your diet,” said Mokato. “In a person with diabetes, eating nothing but dried seaweed has the effect of curing their ailment. It is a remarkable step in reversing the effects diabetics can suffer from.”

According to Mokato, a person who suffers from diabetes needs to eat a single serving of dried, salted seaweed every day – approximately 4oz – and nothing else.

“Eat one packet of seaweed, and drink 8 to 10 glasses of water a day,” said Mokato. “If you do this, and you eat and drink nothing else for 5 to 6 months, your body will rid itself of your diabetes. I have seen it happen in 100% of my patients, and it will work for everyone.”

Mokato plans to fully publish his results in the coming months.

Toddler Overdoses On Pop-Tart Pastries

Toddler Overdoses On Pop-Tart Pastries

CARLSON, Texas – 

Parents of Ricky Frappier never thought the boy’s favorite snack could be deadly. The 6-year-old boy allegedly got into the snack cabinet at nine in the morning on Friday before his parents had woken up. His mother, Celina, found him unconscious on the kitchen floor surrounded by more than twenty pop-tart wrappers and a mess of uneaten crust.

Celina promptly called 911, and EMTs suspected he had gone into a diabetic coma. “We didn’t know he even had the diabetes. Sure he was a little husky like me and his dad, but I figured a growth spurt was bound to clear that right up.” Social workers are concerned that he did not have a healthy diet, and Ms. Frappier has agreed to attend voluntary nutrition classes.

“What was I supposed to do, starve him? All he’ll eat is chicken nuggets, french fries, hot dogs, toast, and Pop-Tarts. I can’t stand it when he screams, so I just end up feedin’ him what he likes. Things are changing once he gets outta the hospital though. You bet your ass they are.”

The boy’s father, Bucky Rogers, says he’s seen this kind of thing before, but did not know it could happen to his son. “Had I known I would’ve put a pad lock on that damn snack cabinet. It’s like this goat we had when I was a kid. It got into its feed and just kept eating till he died.  We usually sleep till noon, and Ricky makes his own breakfast. I’m just glad Celina found him when she did. From now on, I’m keeping the snacks out of his reach so he doesn’t end up dead.”

Carbonated Beverages Destroy Ozone Layer, Say Experts

STANFORD, California – Carbonated Beverages Destroy Ozone Layer, Say Experts

There’s nothing worse than a “flat” soda, but according to experts from California’s Stanford Woods Institute for the Environment, the familiar hiss of a can or bottle when opened translates into increased depletion of the Earth’s protective ozone layer. Holes in the ozone layer mean more exposure to ultraviolet light, which translates into increased risk of sunburn, skin cancer, and heat stroke related injuries.

“Over 2 billion cans and bottles of carbonated beverages are opened worldwide each day, exposing us all to dangerous levels of exposure to ultraviolet light,” says atmospheric expert Dr. Althea Thoone. “It’s fascinating that a simple, everyday act can have such a negative wide-ranging impact; however, small changes in our daily activity will help lessen the danger.”

Thoone’s groundbreaking study is the result of more than five-year’s analysis of university based surveys. The professor chose a university-based population because of the high number of carbonated beverages consumed, as compared against the national average. College and university populations consume carbonated beverages up to seven times greater than the national average.

Besides the environmental hazards, health effects of carbonated beverages – which can contain as much as 12 teaspoons of sugar in a 12-ounce serving – can be measured in increased rates of diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease.

“Obviously fewer cases of heart disease, diabetes and skin cancer mean good news for everyone,” added Thoone. “We must also take into account the negative effects of carbon dioxide released when you burp. Multiply the effects of human digestion by 3 billion, and then apply that to the environment, and you’ve got a huge issue, similar to that of the methane problem we have caused by farting cows.”

Soft drink container recycling also negatively contributes to the thinning of the Earth’s protective layer.  Fossil fuels used to transport cans and bottles to recycling plants, not to mention the operation of the plants themselves, produce a domino effect. “If we can reduce our intake of carbonated soft drinks by 10 percent,” says Thoone, “the long range benefits for our planet will be immeasurable, in a good way. Unless we cut back on our consumption, we’re headed for a catastrophe.”

No word yet from soft drink manufacturers who will undoubtedly disagree with reduced soft drink consumption, but for now, you may want keep the sunscreen handy the next time you “pop that top.”

New 150 oz. Mega-Sized Drinks To Be Released In 7-11 Convenience Stores

CONCORD, New Hampshire – New 150 oz. Mega-Sized Drinks To Be Released In 7-11 Convenience Stores

One of America’s largest convenience store chains, 7-11, has announced this morning a new item being added to their selection. Joining the company’s flagship Big Gulp cups will be their new size, named the X-Gulp by 7-11 marketing director Bill Hellman.

The 32 ounce Big Gulp remains the most popular size at 7-11 for soda and fountain drinks, with the price staying steadily below a dollar, even during harsh economic times. Seducing more customers every day, The Super Big Gulp, reaching 44 ounces, is also available or those who need an extra kick to their drink. The Double Gulp, which doubles the Big Gulp’s 32 ounce size to a whopping 64 ounces, wholly satisfies the predominant American population.

Recently announced by 7-11, the X-Gulp will be released this fall, marking an even 150 ounces, more than 5 times the size of the Big Gulp, and containing almost 2 gallons of liquid. The cup size is that of a small bucket, and even has a handle for ease in carrying. Already concerned with getting the most ‘bang for their buck,’ some cost-weary customers are concerned that the price will be too high.

“I can assure everyone, the price for the X-Gulp will be in line with our other sizes,” said Hellman. “The standard Big Gulp is .99 cents at most 7-11 stores. The X-Gulp will actually cost only around $3, less than you’d pay at your local movie theatre for a third of what we’re offering.”

Many consumers are already questioning the absurdity of the product size, rightfully concerned about the cup will fitting in standard drink holders that are found in cars. Despite the concern, though, many 7-11 regulars and purported ‘Big Gulp Aficionados’ are looking forward to the next new size.

“If it comes down to it, I’ll just put the damn cup between my legs once I’m on the road,” said Joe Goldsmith, self-proclaimed Big Gulp Super-fan. “All of the condensation on the outside of the cup might leave an embarrassing mark on my pants, but who cares? When you can get that much soda for such a small price, looking like you’ve pissed yourself should be the least of your worries.”

“I personally think the size is ridiculous,” said Margret Pilsner, president of the Obesity Epidemic Foundation. “Americans are already too fat, and this is just adding to the cause. No one needs 150 ounces of soda in a sitting. My God, you don’t even need that much water in a sitting. I can feel the diabetes killing me just imagining it.”

7-11 representatives say the new size will be made available by the end of September at stores nationwide.

 

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