Man Completely Flushes Diabetes From Body By Drinking 100 Gallons of Water

Posted on March 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JONESVILLE, Florida –

A 230-pound man, George Lewis, says that he completely rid his body of type-2 diabetes by drinking nothing but water – over 100 gallons in total – over a week-long period.

“My doctor told me I needed to be more hydrated, and stop eating so much crap,” said Lewis, 37. “I was a diabetic, and I didn’t want to die. So I started drinking more and more water, and then I realized I couldn’t stop drinking water. Over a week, I drank over 100 gallons. About 15 jugs a day.”

According to Lewis and his doctors, the former construction worker is no free of diabetes, with blood sugar levels at around 87.

“It’s amazing, really. The first time I’ve ever seen anything like it,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, Lewis’ physician. “I told him to get some more fluids, and get some exercise, but he took this to heart. I’m glad he went above and beyond. His body is working like a champ.”

“Thing of it is, when I had diabetes, I was peeing probably every hour or so. Like a pregnant woman,” said Lewis. “After my water battle, I’m peeing every 10 minutes or so; have been for about 3 weeks. In the end, though, it’s all good. At least I’m disease free.”

Baker Creates Sweet Frosting Using His Own Diabetic Blood

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHMOND, Virginia –

A diabetic man has put his recent diagnosis to work by creating a thick, maple syrup-like condiment from his own blood. James Dyer, 46, says that he had recently been feeling very ill, and was often lightheaded, and decided he needed to see his doctor.

“I went to my doctor, and he gave me a diagnosis of diabetes. I wasn’t really shocked, it definitely runs in the family, and that’s pretty much the only thing that runs in my family,” said Dyer. “I was really depressed for a few days, ’cause I fucking love cake and that’s not supposed to be happening anymore, but then I decided that this could be the break I needed.”

Dyer, a pastry chef by trade, said that since his blood was so sweet, he figured he could make a syrup out of it for use in his baking.

“I had an A1C count of 24. That’s stupid high. I should have been dead,” said Dyer. “My blood sugar when I went to my doctor was 900. I don’t even know what that means, except for the fact that my blood is sweeter than the stevia plant everyone raves about now, and it’s just as all natural.”

Dyer uses the blood condiment in his flavorings for his pastries, including for filling and frosting.

“People really like it, and come to find out, it’s not illegal, so this is all good. The kids and families can’t get enough,” said Dyer. “I don’t have much time left on this earth, but I am not going to let my sugary blood dictate my life and my eating habits. I will eat what I want. To be damned with insulin. I’m going to profit off my sweet, diabetic blood!”

Insane Clown Posse Member ‘Violent J’ Hospitalized, Reportedly In Coma

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

According to reports, rapper and actor Joseph Bruce, better known by his stage name Violent J, 42, was rushed to a Detroit-area hospital Friday morning after falling into a coma.

The musician, who is one half of the Juggalo-duo Insane Clown Posse, was apparently enjoying a quiet breakfast at home with his wife, when he fell from his chair and collapsed to the floor.

“It was horrible, I screamed and practically knocked the table over trying to get to him,” said J’s wife, Michelle “Sugar Slam” Rapp. “He went down like 34 or 35 tons of bricks. He smeared grease paint all over the floor when he went down, and spilled his Faygo all over the place. Thank God the kids weren’t around to see it. What a mess.”

Doctors say the rapper, who is morbidly obese, is in a diabetic coma, and they are monitoring him after injecting the rapper with several doses of insulin.

“Mr. Violent J is a hefty fellow, for sure,” said Dr. George Hatchetman. “His diet, which his wife says mostly consists of donuts, bagels, and Faygo Root Beer floats, is not in any way healthy for a man of his size, with his health problems. It’s a wonder that Mr. J hasn’t had issues before, especially during his wrestling career. It’s amazing he hadn’t suffered a heart attack.”

“Man, that motherfucker could get stabbed in the balls, ass, and face, and still come out on top,” said co-founder and other half of the Insane Clown Posse, Shaggy 2 Dope. “That dude, he’s my Big Baby Sweets. He’s my Goddamn homie, and I know God’s looking out for us from that big motherfucking penthouse in the sky. J is gonna be okay. I’d bet my best neden on that shit.”

Detroit Hospital doctors say that they are currently listing J’s condition as critical, but do not believe that his condition is life threatening. Juggalos from across the country have been gathering outside of the hospital, singing ICP songs, drinking Faygo RedPop, and smoking copious amounts of weed. The police, as well as local FBI agents, say they are keeping a close watch on the growing group, in preparation of any gang-like activities.