Competitive Eater Joey ‘Jaws’ Chestnut Dies Of Acute Acid Reflux

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VALLEJO, California –

World-famous competitive eater Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, a competitive eater who was currently ranked second in the world, has reportedly died from acute acid reflux, a disease he developed over a career of eating excessive amounts of food.

“Joey was in incredible health for a person who consumed hundreds of thousands of calories as if it was his job,” said Dr. Emmett Brown. “Unfortunately, despite his good health and the calories not causing him to be massively overweight, the one thing he could not get past was his horrible case of acid reflux disease, which he contracted after a particularly difficult challenge of eating the World’s Hottest Hot Wings in 2011.”

Joey Chestnut had competed, and won, the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Challenge multiple years, as well as many other challenges, including hot wings, meatballs, pizza, and an entire turkey dinner.

“Joey was a God to me,” said up-and-coming competitive eater Kimball Rowell. “I competed against him once in a pizza eating contest, and I ate 4 slices in 2 minutes. He ate 3 full pizzas. The man is a legend, and his legacy will last a lifetime.”

Chestnut was scheduled to compete this summer at the Nathan’s Hot Dog contest once again, where he hoped to regain his title as world champion.

Snake Bites Boy At Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom

animal kingdom

ORLANDO, Florida – 

A family from Alabama plans to sue Disney World after they said an escaped snake at Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom dropped from a tree and bit their young child. The family’s attorney, Matt Morgan, said Thursday that the boy’s grandmother saw the snake bite him, went into cardiac arrest from fright, and died soon after. They boy was treated with a band-aid and continued to enjoy the park after the incident.

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While the family mourns her death, they say they will remember Grandma’s sacrifice as they spend the money they will receive from this lawsuit. “She would have said, ‘I’m old. I lived my life. Let God take me if it means my family can go on more memorable vacations.’ Next time we won’t be going anywhere with snakes though,” said one of the family members. The names are not being released at this time.

Disney says the snake was wild and not part of their attraction. Attorney Jeff Kendell plans to represent the snake, who did not intend to harm the boy. “The snake was nonvenomous, so it did not plan to hurt anyone. It was merely speaking out about the destruction of its wild habitat for a tourist destination in the only way it knew how.”

Scientists Prove Plants, Flowers Capable of Feeling Severe Pain

plants

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

In a letter to the Academy of Science, MIT scientist have proven beyond a shadow of doubt, that plants feel pain. This study will have far reaching consequences and will clearly change the way we view our world. 

”What started as a classroom project for undergraduates turned into a 6 year study with over 100 experiments conducted and 7 patents on new testing equipment,” said MIT scientist Phillip Peters. “It’s a little unnerving when you are able to hear the sound of grass crying out in pain after a fresh cut. Tests prove that the pain a strawberry bush feels when a berry is picked is equal to that of a human woman miscarrying. It’s brutal.”

“This study has proven to be life changing for my students and myself,” said Dr. Jose Fresco. “Of the 10 students, now graduates from the program, that worked on the study from the start, 3 have killed themselves and 6 have become shut-ins. The 10th is missing, and is reportedly traveling through the recesses of Asia on a drug-fueled quest to find God. This discovery has ruined lives, and we were hesitant to release this information…but all those vegetarians out there need to know the true pain they’re causing.” 

A sad result of the released study is that hardcore vegans all over the world are slowly starving to death. “Being a vegan is not a diet, it’s a way of life, and I will not eat or wear any animal products or eat anything that feels pain,” said Sally Myers, a self-righteous twat we talked to about her stupid way of life. “I’ve been reduced to only drinking water, but at least I will die with a clear conscience.”

 

Death Row Inmate Allowed To Choose Method Of Execution Picks ‘Old Age’

Death Row Inmate Allowed To Choose Method Of Execution Picks 'Old Age'

RICHMOND, Virginia – 

A Virginia man, Charles Demar, on death row since 2001 for the murder of his wife and two sons, was recently allowed the option of choosing his method of execution by the state supreme court. A statement, released by Demar’s lawyer, says that he has chosen the option to die of ‘old age.’

“Mr. Demar, when given the opportunity to choose the manner in which he would be executed, chose to die by ‘old age,'” said Demar’s attorney, Richard Cheatum. “The state, forced to accept this request, have no choice legally but to let my client go free, so that he may die at the same natural rate as any other person.”

The laws in Virginia appear to be written in such a manner that a request of this nature is perfectly acceptable, with one supreme court judge quoted as saying that he “couldn’t believe” that no one had ever thought to choose that option previously.

“It would be one thing if we were just going to keep him in prison, maybe move him from death row and place him in general population, but with the way our laws are currently written, this particular inmate was able to find a loophole in the system that would grant him the ability to be executed by ‘old age,’ with that time being lived outside of the prison,” said Judge George Morris. “It’s safe to assume that we will be keeping a close eye on Mr. Demar as his time in prison comes to an end and he is allowed to merge back into society.”

“This is an amazing feat that we’ve been able to accomplish, and I am very proud of the work that we have put in to ensure that my client is afforded his ‘perfect ending,'” said Cheatum.

“Fuck yeah, I cannot wait to get the hell out of here,” said Demar. “I have some scores to settle with the sonsabitchin’ jury that put me in here in the first place.”

Demar is set to be released May 1st.

Rare Feline Disease Projected To Kill Millions Of Cats, Experts Fear Extinction

ATLANTA, Georgia – Rare Feline Disease Projected To Kill Millions Of Cats, Experts Fear Extinction

America’s second-favorite pet is in a battle for its life, and looks like it’s losing. Cats, both domestic and feral, have been dying in alarming numbers across the country, and veterinarians working closely with the Center For Disease Control have been seeking to find a cure for this new feline disease.

“We have diagnosed a disease, but cannot control it. It’s spreading at an alarming rate, and we can project death rates into the millions by summer. If your cat has been urinating more than usual, or being extra vocal, it could be the first signs of the disease,” said Alan Anderson spokesman for the CDC. “While a cure would not be impossible to find, we at the CDC quite frankly have better things to focus our energies and research on.”

Anderson said that while the CDC has been looking to find a cure for the disease, they have been also dealing with massive amounts of paperwork leftover from the recent Ebola scare.

“We’re very tired after that whole Ebola thing,” said Anderson. “This new cat disease, known as Feline Urinary Cartilage Abdominal Track Syndrome, or  FUCATS, for short, is easily spread, and it could very well mean an end to cats altogether. But, here at the CDC, our main concern is human diseases and controlling and containing their spread. Possibly dog diseases, too, but certainly not cat diseases.”

“Many in my field feel that FUCATS is a godsend,” said  veterinarian Mark Miller. “I look forward to the day I can go to work without being scratched by those soulless creatures. For felines, FUCATS is a horrible way to die. Their intestines turn into hard cartilage, and it’s very painful. It’s so painful for the cats, it’s almost hard for me to enjoy watching them die, but I manage.”

“It’s horrible. I mean, they could cure it, but they can’t be bothered,” said Margaret McCoy of Duluth, Minnesota, owner of 15 cats. “My babies are all I have. I guess I could get a dog. I always wanted a dog, and I hear one dog equals the love of 15 cats. But, still…I’ve grown attached to these furry little guys, the litter being tracked all over the house, and the smell of ammonia in the air. I hope that FUCATS doesn’t get my little fur-babies!”

 

Affordable Care Act Requires Euthanasia For Sick Seniors

MIAMI, Florida – Affordable Care Act Requires Euthanasia For Sick Seniors

Two years ago, Mildred Honeycutt, a senior and a resident of an assisted living community near Miami, Florida, was ecstatic about her new health coverage under the Affordable Care Act. Deemed ‘too affluent’ for Medicaid, she had found it impossible to get coverage due to her advanced age and several pre-existing medical conditions. Today she is singing a different tune.

“I went to see my doctor, because I’ve been tired all the time and I noticed I was bruising easily. They ran some tests, and it turns out I have leukemia. I asked the doctor what kind of treatment I would need, and he said that normally they would start chemotherapy and bone marrow transplants immediately. I asked him what he meant by ‘normally’, and he told me that those procedures for someone at my age aren’t covered. He said they are considered to be cost-prohibitive, meaning that the amount of time that they could extend my life was not deemed to be ‘worth the cost’.”

It gets worse. The approved treatment for someone in Mildred’s condition at her age is euthanasia. If she opts out of the approved treatment, meaning she will get to die naturally, the plan will not cover things like pain medication.

“It’s like they actually want to kill me. Either I let them do the same thing to me that they do to convicted murderers, or they’ll take my meds away and I’ll be in constant pain until I die naturally.”

An insurance underwriter from Blue Cross and Blue shield was willing to take a look at Mildred’s case on the condition of anonymity.

“It is pretty clear cut. They have all these financial de-escalators in place here, mostly buried in the fine print and shrouded in legalese. But, she is right. Her policy dictates that the only allowable treatment for her condition is euthanasia. If she refuses treatment, it will basically nullify her entire policy. She’ll wind up having to take Asprin for pain caused by her cancer, and she’ll have to pay for that out of pocket”

Mildred was understandably upset by the findings, and is unsure of what she is going to do. Even if she was to file a motion or suit, she would either be dead or too far gone to receive treatment before it ever got before a judge.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I know I’m going to die either way, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in agony. At the same time it seems wrong to just let them kill me like a feral dog. I am going to pray about it. It’s just not right,” said Mildred.

Whatever Mildred’s choice, she has a little over a week to decide. Her next appointment is coming up fast, and one way or another, it will be her last.

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