Michelle Obama Files For Divorce After Obama Allegedly Caught In Sex Orgy

barackandmichelle

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Michelle Obama has reportedly filed for divorce from former president Barack Obama after allegedly catching him cheating in a massive sex orgy in their home.

According to an inside source, Michelle reportedly returned home early from a visit with family and found Barack Obama engaged in a sex orgy with “over a dozen” other people, both males and females.

“Michelle walked in right as Barack was mid-suck on a giant tranny named Pat,” said the source. “Apparently Barack has been having these secret orgies for over a decade, and this is the first time Michelle has ever found out. He apparently asked her to join, but she was shocked and ran from the house in tears.”

Neither Barack or Michelle could be reached for comment, but lawyers for both asked for “privacy” during this “extremely difficult” yet “oddly hilarious” time.

Melania Trump Files For Divorce: ‘I Didn’t Sign Up For This’

melania

Reported By Now 8 News:

The world is in shock over the weekend after sources close to Donald and Melania Trump confirm that Melania filed for divorce over the weekend. The Slovenia born model has voiced concerns over her role as the First Lady of the United States, claiming that she “Didn’t sign up for this.” Sources close to the couple say Melania is not prepared to be ridiculed for the next four years over her immigration status, accent and her husbands infidelities.

“She’s been very upset ever since Donald announced he was running for president last year,” said a woman close to the family. “She wanted a role as a kept woman, not as a woman in charge of being a role model in this country. She is also not prepared to leave her luxurious lifestyle to live in a home as old as the White House. She thinks that the decor is despicable and beyond repair.”

This comes on the heels of Donald Trump’s announcement that he only wants to live in the White House part-time, in a desperate attempt to save his marriage.

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

Bill Clinton Files For Divorce From ‘Nagging Wife’ Hillary

clintons

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Public records indicate that former president Bill Clinton has filed for divorce from his wife, current presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton, citing “irreconcilable differences.”

A lawyer for Ex-President Clinton said that he had “no comment” at this time, but said that Clinton himself had issued a partial statement on the matter:

For those who are wondering, yes, I have decided to leave Hillary after decades of marriage. The reasons are personal and, well – actually, a lot of the reasons are very, very public, too – but most of them are personal. I like having sex with multiple women, and Hillary likes to control everything, including me. It’s become too hard to live with such a maniacal, egotistical woman, and when she becomes president, it will ruin this marriage even further. We cannot see eye-to-eye, and so it is time for me to end this. I do not want to have sexual relations with that woman.

According to a lawyer, who does not represent either party, a divorce with this much equity, real estate, and other massive-ticket items, could take some time to sort out. It’s entirely likely that the pair will still be legally married until well after Hillary is sworn into office.

Man Fakes Heart Attack To Get Out Of Wife’s Dinner Party

heartattack

KALAMAZOO, Florida – 

A Florida man was taken to the emergency room after his wife called 911, saying that her husband was having a heart attack.

John Williams, 43, was taken to a local hospital via ambulance, but on the drive, said that he was never having any sort of heart attack or any other medical issue – he just didn’t want to be around his wife’s “super boring friends” any longer.

“I pretended to have a heart attack, because it was the only way that I could think of getting out of there without being on the hook for it later,” said Williams. “We have this stupid dinner parties at least once a month, and all of my wife’s friends are snooty, pretentious, miserable people. They just come over for the free drinks and the free food, and then leave. We’ve never once been to a dinner part at one of their houses. At least I livened up the evening.”

Williams says he has no problem paying the bill for the ambulance, and the hospital visit.

“They had to check me out anyway, because it’s protocol, and apparently sometimes people have heart attacks for real and think they’re okay,” said Williams. “The doctor said my ticker is as good as it can be for my age. I have the heart of a 38-year-old.”

Kanye Reportedly Leaves Kim Kardashian For Caitlyn Jenner

kanye

LOS ANGELES, California – 

In an extremely bizarre turn of events, hip hop mogul and the internet’s favorite punching bag Kanye West has reportedly left his wife, Kim Kardashian, for her former step-father Caitlyn Jenner. According to reports, West and Jenner met during the filming of Jenner’s reality show, I Am Caitlyn, last year, and have been secretly meeting ever since.

Insiders report that Jenner and West have been secretly meeting in between her tapings of the latest episodes of her series, and that over time they have “fallen in love.”

“I am absolutely obsessed with Kanye, and with good reason. He’s gorgeous, talented, and he’s the only person in the world who I could honestly say is more self-absorbed than I am,” said Caitlyn Jenner. “It’s a shame; I never meant to wreck Kim’s marriage, but sometimes, love just blossoms.”

The usually mouthy West has remained mum on the subject of his new relationship, but his wife, Kim Kardashian, has reportedly been extremely vocal of her husband’s “misguided feelings.”

“Clearly it’s been awhile since he’s seen me naked, or else this wouldn’t be happening,” said Kardashian. “I don’t know how that is, since I literally just tweeted a nudie the other day. Hell, it was Facebook trending. How could he have missed it? I don’t understand. What does Caitlyn have that I don’t ha–…Oh, never mind.”

Sick Woman Places Onions In Socks Around Room; Does Nothing But Annoy Husband

socks

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

John Maher is threating to divorce his wife, Shirley Maher, if she refuses to get off Facebook after it linked her to a “cure” for her common cold.

After reading about the antibacterial properties of onions, Geraldine placed bowls of onions around the room and put sliced raw onions in her socks. She had read the phosphoric acid would enter her bloodstream through her feet. The article also promised that her room would not stink, since the onions would absorb bacteria which it claimed is the cause of most foot and body odor.

“I had a very stubborn cold so I would’ve tried anything. My husband was of course skeptical, but I don’t know- I think it helped,” she says.

John disagrees. “It didn’t do anything but stink up the house. Can’t get the smell of onions out of the mattress now. Of course it did not do a damn thing, since germs don’t go leaking out of your feet, and even if onions kill bacteria, the common cold is caused by a virus.”

John says this is not the first time something silly she read on Facebook has hurt their marriage. “Besides the fact I have to listen to all the damned gossip, she nearly burned the place down with some craft involving all my good sharpies and rubbing alcohol. It’s my own fault really. Mother told me not to marry Shirley. You wouldn’t believe it now, but I was quite the stud in my day.”

Ellen DeGeneres Reportedly Leaves Wife Portia de Rossi For A Man

LOS ANGELES, California –

In an extremely shocking move, daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, one of the most ‘celebrated’ members of the LGBQT community in Hollywood, has announced publicly that she is leaving wife of 8 years Portia de Rossi. The shocking information comes hot on the heels of leaked photos of the public figure out and about in Hollywood with a new beau who, curiously, is a man.

“It is true that Portia and I are parting ways, although we remain extremely close friends,” said Ellen on her talk show last week. “I would love to keep my private life, well, private, as I did for many years, but I know that will not happen, because people are obsessed with the love lives of people they don’t know. Especially if that love life involves hot lesbian action.”

As for the man who paparazzi have photographed on multiple situations with DeGeneres, so far the star has remained mum on who it is.

“He is not a celebrity or anyone of note, and he is someone with whom I have been friends with for a long time,” said DeGeneres. “While this is all very new as far as a relationship is concerned, our love is definitely not new. He’s always been there for me, and I for him, even while I was with Portia. Now we are just taking that friendship to a new level. I mean, I have to see what all this penis fuss is all about, don’t I?”

Rick Salomon Accuses Pamela Anderson of Eating Babies

Rick Salomon Accuses Pamela Anderson of Eating Babies

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Acclaimed poker player Rick Salomon has outraged ex-wife Pamela Anderson, by telling news outlets that the model and actress eats babies. His allegations come just days after he received criticism for calling her a “serial baby-killer” referring to abortions she had had performed without his knowledge. Now he has taken the back-and-forth to a new, unprecedented level.

“Pamela has a serious problem,” he told to anyone who would listen. “She eats babies and there’s no stopping her. When we’d go out to restaurants, I’d have to keep her far away from the kiddies play zone, at least until she was full from appropriate food. But I often failed.”

He said that the former Baywatch star turned into a different person around babies.

“Her teeth get sharper somehow, and she roars like a psychopath. Then she sticks the baby’s head in her mouth and bites it right off, chewing through the skull like it’s nothing more than a piece of candy. Blood spurts out, it gets messy, but she does a good job of cleaning up by eating the whole body and licking the blood off her arms. She has ruined a few very expensive evening gowns.”

Mothers around the country have spoken up, confirming Salomon’s claims.

“Pamela ate my triplets,” said one distraught 32 year old. “She stuffed each into her mouth as the others looked on screaming, until they were all gone. It was traumatic for me, as I’ve always been a big fan of her work. Seeing her like that was the most difficult thing I’ve had to witness. Also, I was sort of bummed about my children.”

Anderson’s spokesperson, Layla Tov, responded by playing down the accusations.

“Pam, like everyone else, likes to eat a baby from time to time,” she said at a press conference she had convened. “But it’s nothing like Rick implied. She does it in moderation, and usually in private. Also, the babies are generally dead before she eats them. Only when she’s really hungry does she eat them live. And Rick knows he’s not innocent here. On their third date, he invited her over to his place for dinner, and cooked a gourmet meal made from parts of five different colored infants.”

Justin Timberlake Buys Britney Spears’ Underwear At Auction; Jessica Biel Reportedly Files For Divorce

Justin Timberlake Buys Britney Spears' Underwear At Auction; Jessica Biel Reportedly Files For Divorce

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The underwear Britney Spears wore in her hit 1998 video Baby One More Time recently sold at a charity auction for $60,000, and the buyer has been rumored to be Spears’ ex-boyfriend, Justin Timberlake. Timberlake’s wife, actress Jessica Biel, has reportedly filed for divorce, citing the purchase of the underwear as the reason. 

“I don’t know why she’s so pissed,” said Timberlake. ”Those panties just bring back good memories of my youth. They were the same panties she wore the first time we did it. I couldn’t bare the thought of someone else owning them. More importantly, though, it was for charity, and I can afford it. Britney and I will always have the past, but Jessica is my future!” 

“On his head! I caught him wearing that skank’s panties on his head!” said Biel. ”I’m having his baby, I’m fat, I’m irritable, and I find him naked singing ‘Hit me baby one more time!’ with those panties on his head in the bedroom. I mean, I know it could have been worse. There are some much more disturbing things he could have been doing with those panties. Oh God – now I’m thinking about all those things! I can’t take this anymore!”

“Justin really wanted those panties, and my sources tell me the bid was only $100 when he upped it to $60,000,” said Hollywood reporter Mitch Mitchell. “The divorce is big news, but no one wants to take sides here. Justin has already been to Vegas twice to see Britney’s show. I think Justin will be just fine, here. As far as Jessica goes, well, I’m sure that if her body bounces back quickly, she’s set for life, anyway. In Hollywood, beauty never has to fade!”

 

Kim Kardashian Files For Divorce After Kanye Smashes Child’s Cell Phone

LOS ANGELES, California – Kim Kardashian Files For Divorce After Kanye Smashes Child's Cell Phone

In another array of Kanye angst-laden turn of events, Hollywood Star Insider Weekly has confirmed, via Los Angeles County Court Clerk office records, that Kim Kardashian has officially filed for divorce from her husband, rapper Kanye West.

According to reports, West allegedly snatched an 8-year-old boy’s cell phone and smashed it on the ground, accusing the boy of taking photographs of him and his wife while at a popular Los Angeles eatery earlier this week. It is assumed that witnesses of the incident were paid off and bound to legal secrecy.

According to Kim’s publicist, Marcella Thomas, Kim has had ‘as much as she could take’ of Kanye’s wild and moody toddler-like antics, and this recent outburst was the ‘final straw.’

“This morning I accompanied Kim to the Los Angeles County Clerks office where she officially filed for divorce,” said Thomas. “Thank God, too. As her publicist, do you know how often I had to be around Kanye? More than once, which is way more time than anyone should ever have to spend with Kanye. At any rate, no further statement regarding the matter is to be issued at this time, and we ask that all fans, here and abroad, respect this very difficult decision.”

Because of the media frenzy surrounding the announcement, Thomas said this was also the perfect time to take advantage of the free publicity, tas she revealed to HSIW that Kim has inked a deal with Calvin Klein to release a new men’s fragrance labeled ‘U-Mad, Bro?’

“I’m so glad that Kim is leaving that lunatic,” said Kardashian ‘superfan’ Maria Bulgara. “I mean, Kanye is okay to look at in certain light – like the kind of light that completely blocks out his face. The man has shown time and time again that he is mentally unstable. I don’t think I’m saying anything that anyone else doesn’t think as well. Also, I am sooo buying my boyfriend that U-Mad cologne for Christmas!”

“It’s about time Kanye ditched that trash anyway,” said West ‘superfan’ Joey Goldsmith. “That tramp, showing her ass all over the internet. I was sickened by all that cellulite! Kanye should go find a good woman, like Barbara Walters or something. Now there’s a chick who looks like she knows how to suck, if you know what I mean. Also, I swear if my bitch gets me any of that U-Mad cologne, I’m gonna throw it out the damn window.”

Kanye West has long been known for his public meltdowns, usually involving paparazzi. Two months ago, the hip-hop artist and producer threw his milkshake at a crying baby, claiming the child was “out of key and needed auto-tune.” However, Kanye immediately apologized, and invited the family to a local car dealership where he bought them a brand new Range Rover.

It is not clear who currently has custody of little North West, the couple’s child, but one thing is for certain, this evolving family drama has all the makings of a highly publicized and extremely drawn out celebrity divorce and custody battle. Empire News will be monitoring this national crisis as it unfolds.

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