Woman Gives Birth To Baby Born 36 Weeks Late

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Selena Myers, 38, gave birth to a happy, healthy, 18 pound baby yesterday afternoon at an Atlanta hospital. The child, which clocks in at one of the heaviest ever delivered, was also an astounding 36 weeks late.

“It was very odd, because normally, you’re only pregnant for about 39 or 40 weeks,” said Myers’ midwife, Donna Landers. “Selena was not even closing to being to term at 40 weeks. In fact, she gestated extremely slowly. Her baby was almost 9 months late.”

Doctors are unsure how it is the Myers was able to carry her baby for the extra length of time, or why her body did not grow the child at a “proper rate,” but so far, all signs point to a healthy baby.

“During the pregnancy, I’d go in for my checkups, and they thought that maybe the baby would just be a little smaller than normal,” said Myers. “After a while, though, we realized that it was still going to be the size of a gummy bear when I gave birth, if I did so at the 9 month mark. In the end, I was closer to the 19th month.”

Myers has said that she is naming her baby Miracle Sparkle Myers.

Gluten-Free Diets Causes ‘Bitchiness’ In People Who Don’t Need To Go Gluten Free

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

According to researchers at Cambridge Medial School, people who go “gluten-free” because they think it has added health benefits are far more prone to become bitchy and pretentious.

“Gluten-free diets are necessary for people with Celiac disease, or who have a gluten allergy,” said Dr. Richard Kimball of Cambridge. “For everyone else, it is a stupid, ego-centric fad, and it has no bearing on your health, except to say that it’s actually bad for you. Gluten is an essential part of everyone’s diet, and you should be eating it regularly.”

Kimball says that studies they have performed indicate that people who go gluten-free merely to be “in” or “hip” in the diet fads are more likely to become bitchy, or come across as pretentious to their friends and peers.

“Many people go gluten free, and think it’s cool, and they love to shove it in your face,” said Kimball. “They’ll tell you about their spin class, talk about yoga, and then casually mention how they’re gluten free and ‘feel great,’ when really going gluten free has nothing to do with that. You’ll no doubt want to punch them in their pretentious, bitchy face. I recommend that you do just that. Stop the cycle when you can.”

Gluten is so misunderstood, that a simple walk through the grocery store can prove exactly how stupid most consumers are about their food.

“Why am I seeing signs next to the chicken and pork in the meat department that says ‘gluten free’ on it?,” questioned Dr. Kimball. “Of course raw pork is gluten free. Do you people even know what gluten is? Read a damn book for crying out loud. And then stop being a pretentious bitch and just eat gluten. It’s fine, and it’s necessary for health.”

‘Dr. Oz Show’ To Air Final Season In 2016; Show Pulled From Syndication Over Controversy

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

The Dr. Oz Show, which has run for 6 seasons, is reportedly being pulled from syndication lineups after the 2016 season, according to the show’s producers.

The series, which stars Dr. Mehmet Oz, who got famous appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show, features Dr. Oz discussing current medical issues, as well as having guest appearances. The series, a favorite amongst old and naive people, held strong ratings for most of its run, although a slew of controversy over the years has dipped ratings.

“The problem is, more than half of what Dr. Oz talks about is just straight-up bullshit,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a physician in Atlanta. “I am so glad that he is finally being taken off the air. Studies have been done on the lies and misinformation he has spread, and it is painful. His information, which often seems to stem from companies paying to have their products features, could cause people to become violently ill, or even die. It’s amazing he’s lasted this long.”

Dr. Oz reportedly sees himself as an impartial advocate, giving out as much information as he can on different topics, ranging from diabetes to cancer, and everything in between.

“Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to know much about the topics he covers,” said Dr. Brown. “He is an actual M.D., but I cannot figure out why anyone would listen to his wild misinformed statements. A simple Google search can tell you that 54% of his medical recommendations are not actually supported by fact.”

Producers for the show say that they are actually “relieved” that it will no longer be aired.

“We were in constant fear of some wrongful death lawsuit after a cancer patient gave up treatment to just eat cantaloupe, or whatever nonsense Dr. Oz would spout on the air,” said an anonymous producer. “We’re just really glad we can move on to real entertainment production now, and not crazy medical fiction and company-sponsored medical lies.”

Company Rents Out Children to Couples Who Are Considering Parenthood

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALTON, Minnesota –

A small Minnesota town is making national headlines this week after the Associated Press learned that a local Planned Parenthood facility was renting out babies and young children to couples who were deciding on whether or not to start families of their own.

According to reports, the New Beginnings Clinic in Dalton started a program where, for a fee, couples could ‘lease’ a child for a short period of time to better familiarize themselves with what being parents would be like. The program director, Gail Levesque, says that since the program started last October, many couples were able to decide positively if they wanted a future that included children.

“The support has been wonderful,” said Levesque. “The entire community really understands what we’re doing, and many families have helped by loaning to us their babies and toddlers so these couples could really see what life is like with a child. We always split the rental fee with the family who was gracious enough to lend us their precious bundle of joy.”

Levesque says that couples looking to rent a child from them go through extensive background and criminal checks, as well as drug testing. After all reports come in, then – and only then – will the clinic approve the request for loan. The fee to rent a baby for a week begins at $400. The longest they allow you to keep the child is 9 weeks, for an even $2500.

“It’s a small fee to pay to really understand what being a parent is like,” said Levesque. “So many of our couples who have chosen not to start families after their rental period really thank us for showing them a possible future. They are more than happy to have spent only $400 for a week with a baby to know that they couldn’t possibly handle 18 years of the same things.”

“It worked out really great for my me and my husband,” said Amber Perry, a mother of a 2-year-old boy. “We wanted to take a vacation to Palm Springs, and bringing along a small child would be such a hassle. We didn’t have any family to take him in, so we loaned him to New Beginnings. They gave us $200 up-front for the use of our child, so we got to have some extra fun on our vacation!”

“We’re trying to help people really plan for parenthood,” said Levesque. “I think that we’re accomplishing that very well.”

New ‘Google Companion’ Nanochip Tracks Your Baby’s Life, Auto-Posts To Social Media Pages

Posted on July 16, 2015 by Justin Birch

GOOGLE, United States –

Google’s revolutionary advertising platform just made another landmark in advertising history: their newest innovation, called Google Companion.

Google Companion is a nanochip that tracks emotions, memories, new experiences, conversations, and much more. All the information is transmitted to Google and used to personalize your web experience. It is typically injected into newborns, but can be planted in adults, too.

Companion also teamed up with Facebook to seamlessly integrate with your smart phone. The chip, which is 4GLTE compatible, will automatically fill your status update with some relevant information when you open Facebook: your location, what you just did, any recent food or beverages consumed, how you are feeling, and even some basic information about your love life.

“Privacy is a thing of the past,” said Google’s CEO. “We live in an age where that’s really more of a hindrance. The government already spies on all of us, and people overshare as it is – we’re just here to take the stigma away and make use of society’s latest evolution.”

Some early studies of the chip’s capabilities have had stunning results. One impressed mother recounted her latest story for Empire News.

“I brought my little girl to the pediatrician a few days ago, and while the doctor was looking at her I checked my phone. An ad popped up for calamine lotion before the doctor even told me she had chicken pox!”

The United States government provided Google with some additional funding in exchange for access to their database. Officials say this will cut down on crime, cost and abundance of court trials, and provide next-generation national security. When asked about this potentially controversial decision, Google’s CEO responded:

“Like I said earlier, it’s already happening. We’re just making it easier and less shocking. This also gives people control over it when they previously had none. Well, kind of. I mean, not really, but we get to publish more pretty infographics!”

Man Gets Botox Injections In Penis To Achieve Permanent Erection

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WATERVILLE, Maine –

A Maine man recently began making headlines in the medical world, as Anthony Nature, 28, recently convinced his plastic surgeon to inject Botox into his penis and testicles, causing him to have an erection at all times.

“Mr. Nature has visited me a number of times in the last few years,” said Dr. Carrie Pooler, plastic surgeon at Augusta Health Center. “Tummy tucks, a couple gluteus injections, and now, for the Botox penis injections. This is the first time that anyone has ever asked for this procedure, but I am confident that after Mr. Nature gets the word out, it won’t be the last.”

Nature says that he has never been happier with the results of one of his surgeries.

“I always had a penis that was just average, maybe slightly above average,” said Nature. “Plus, because of my addiction to movie theatre popcorn, I had really bad erectile dysfunction. What I wanted was a bigger, harder penis – longer, not really fuller. Not much, anyway. So I decided that I needed to have the Botox injections into my scrotum and penis. Now I’m erect all the time, and ready to go! The women I sleep with, they’ll never see me soft, so they’ll never know how tiny it is…or was!”

Dr. Pooler says that the Botox, which is actually a poison, will pull the loose skin of Nature’s penis and scrotum back, making the penis appear larger and the scrotum smaller.

“Basically his ol’ bait ‘n’ tackle is looking good, and he’s definitely ready to go,” said Dr. Pooler. “We have a date tonight, actually.”

Nature says that he is extremely happy with his new life, and the constant headaches and difficulty urinating are “totally worth it” in exchange for his newfound giant erection.

‘World’s Sexiest’ OBGYN Has 15-Month Long Waiting List For Patients

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

BRIDGEPORT, Connecticut –

When Richard Greer played Dr. Sullivan Travis in the movie “Dr T. and his Women” most of American begrudgingly played along with the premise of a devastatingly handsome OBGYN with intelligence and wit. In Bridgeport, Connecticut, however, that premise has become all too real for one female health specialist.

Richard Mendleson, MD has seen a steady incline in his clientele over the last four years since graduating from medical school. And it is not hard to figure out why when one catches a glimpse of the Doctor either in or out of the office. He is, to put it frankly, a perfect mix of masculine strength and soft features to make a majority of women swoon with his very presence.

The force of the doctor’s good looks has now caused a logistical problem at his practice, where a 456 day waiting list has built up. His secretary, Madeline Whistleton, is often frantically working to keep up with keeping patients in line and waiting.

“I deal with a long list of insane actions,” said Whistleton. “I have women pretending to be other patients. Girls sneaking through the back. I’ve had men come in dressed as their wives just to see the doctor.”

To Mendleson, this is nothing new, and something he has come to expect and accept.

“It is something I have dealt with ever since graduate school during my internships,” said Mendelson. During the conversation, the doctor’s phone continued to ring, while live emails piled up at an alarming rate.

“It can sometimes get in the way of my practice. My top concern is the care of the local women in the area. But I have started to receive so many requests for high-paying offers from women coming in across state lines, you have to try to accommodate as many as possible, without sacrificing the care of those in your county.”

When reached for comment more than half of the patients responded with a flurry of semi-intelligible gushing reviews mixed with guttural groans. The other half refused to comment and asked their identities not be given, as they did not wish their husbands to know that they were seeing Dr. Mendelson.

14-Year-Old Becomes World’s Youngest Gynecologist

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Abe Abrams

OAK TREE, Arkansas –

While most boys his age are playing video games, baseball, and dreaming of girls, Scott Simmons has women making appointments just to see him. At 14-years-old, boy-genius Simmons is the world’s youngest gynecologist.

“It’s a little embarrassing sometimes,” said Dr. Simmons. “I had to pick a speciality when I was 12, and my advisor said I was too short to be a surgeon. My older brother told me to be a gynecologist, he said I would thank him later, and boy was he right. I’m the only gynecologist in town, so I’m pretty busy. I really love my work, and I don’t think I’ll get tired of it – especially during the annual high school physical time.”

“He’s a really good doctor, and you can tell he loves his work,” said patient Mary Muffin, 19. “Sure, he giggles at the start of every exam, but he is just a kid, after all. I think sometimes his hormones get the best of him, because he can’t stand up after the examination, but he will grow out of that. It’s worth the giggles and hormones, though, because his small fingers get the job done gently. I used to travel to another gynecologist two towns over, and he was old and gross, with nasty long fingers. Ew.”

“I’m very proud of my son, and we all knew he was special from a young age,” said Scott’s mother, Nancy. “He completed elementary school at 5, and he was done with high school by 7. College and medical school just came very naturally to him. I do wish he consulted me before picking his field though, as I would have suggested becoming a family practitioner, or maybe a podiatrist instead. The hardest part of having a son who is a gynecologist is probably the same every one every mother of a 14-year-old has, though – getting him to wash his hands before dinner.”

MRI Scan Reveals Crayon In Man’s Brain, Doctors Say It Has Been There 40+ Years

Posted on November 24, 2014 by JP

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

A local Pittsburgh man is feeling a lot better after an extended stay in a local hospital. What doctors found during a routine MRI of his head turned out to be something out of a horror story.

Luke O’Neil, age 47, was facing chronic headaches that had been persistent for years, but recently he also began experiencing fainting spells. The new symptoms made him visit his local emergency room, and what doctors found when taking a closer look at his brain is something they say they have never seen before.

“My first thought was Mr. O’Neil had a brain tumor, but after the MRI, we found that something was lodged into his brain,” said Doctor Reid. “It’s the first time in my career that I’ve seen anything like this.”

When they finally came to the realization that there was an object stuck up there, doctors instantly started surgery to get it out. The surgery took well over 10 hours, but after all the effort, doctors successfully removed the item, and O’Neil’s headaches ceased immediately.

O’Neil said that he felt completely different once doctors finished the surgery, and that it was like ‘a breath of fresh air’ for his head.

“I’ve always had trouble with headaches, growing up they’d come and go. Sometimes I’d have them for weeks at a time, sometimes they didn’t happen at all. But when they struck, they struck hard,” said O’Neil. “It was only the last few years that the fainting came with them. I can’t even remember a time when I didn’t have issues with my headache and pain.”

Doctors informed him that it had been a blue crayon that has been lodged in his brain, and when he was asked how it got up there, O’Neil began to laugh.

“I used to stick things in my nose a lot when I was a boy,” said O’Neil. “I didn’t realize that I forgot to take anything back out. My God, a crayon? It must have been up there since kindergarten.”

The crayon in his brain had apparently also made O’Neil color blind, and he wasn’t even aware of the issue. The doctor, who was wearing blue scrubs while attending to O’Neil, was shocked when he asked what color they were.

“Somehow, he lived most of his life with this crayon up his nasal cavity poking his brain. I believe that the crayon was actually hitting some important nerves connected to his eyes, and ironically he was never able to see the color blue before.”

“You’d think I’d have seen nothing but blue, you know? I’m just glad that the headaches are gone now. I’ll stick to colored pencils from here on out,” said O’Neil with a smile.

Man Sues Hospital After Doctor Accidentally Performs Sex Change Instead of Liposuction

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rick Ryan, an aging porno film star that has appeared in over 500 films, is suing his surgeon and the hospital he recently visited for botching a simple procedure. The actor allegedly had his livelihood cut off in what was supposed to be a simple tummy tuck procedure.

“I’m a star, or at least I was a star. I had one of the most recognizable penises in the world. A small amount of liposuction was all I wanted,” said Ryan. “Every guy knows that the smaller the stomach and pouch is, the bigger the penis looks. I’ve had the procedure done in the past, but this time they removed my penis, inverted it, and gave me a vagina!”

“It was all a horrible misunderstanding,” said Dr. Clark Campbell, the surgeon who performed the operation. “I wasn’t even supposed to do the procedure – my partner came down sick, so I finished his surgeries for the day. There was a mix up with the charts it seems, which is unfortunate and I apologize. I didn’t think anything of it when I performed the surgery because, quite frankly, Mr. Ryan’s penis looked like he beat it as if it owed him money. I thought to myself ‘this is a man who doesn’t want his penis.’ Now that I know he was a popular adult film actor, it does give an entirely new explanation for why his dick was so raw and swollen.”

“To be honest, I’ve already gotten some work offers doing some girl-on-girl, but it’s just not the same. I do find myself playing with my vagina more than I did my penis, but this lawsuit is not about pleasure, it’s about money. I’m Rick Ryan, damn it. They took my dick, now I’m going to take their balls!”

Peter Palmer, public relations for Los Angeles Metropolitan Hospital said he doesn’t really understand the complaints.

“This is very embarrassing for us as a medical establishment, yes, although I don’t see why Mr. Ryan is that upset. I’m a big fan of all of his films, but to be fair they were all gay porn and Ryan is a bottom. His moneymaker has always been that ass.”