Rocketman And Dotard Agree To Settle Diplomatic Issues In EPIC Rap Battle

WASHINGTON, DC - JUNE 26:  Same-sex marriage supporters rejoice after the U.S Supreme Court hands down a ruling regarding same-sex marriage June 26, 2015 outside the Supreme Court in Washington, DC. The high court ruled that same-sex couples have the right to marry in all 50 states.  (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)
WASHINGTON, DC – JUNE 26: Same-sex marriage supporters rejoice after the U.S Supreme Court hands down a ruling regarding same-sex marriage June 26, 2015 outside the Supreme Court in Washington, DC. The high court ruled that same-sex couples have the right to marry in all 50 states. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un had some choice words for US President Donald Trump Friday, accusing the American leader of “mentally deranged behavior.” He went on to say, “He is surely a rogue and a gangster fond of playing with fire, rather than a politician,” Mr. Kim said.

Mr. Trump on Friday responded with some name-calling of his own. On Twitter, the president called Mr. Kim “obviously a madman.”

Trump has repeatedly said that, “the time for talk is over,” and has proposed what is being called a radical diplomatic solution. Epic rap battle. As both leaders enjoy talking smack, and nuclear war would obliterate the human race, this is being hailed as the perfect solution.

Initially Kim Jong Un proposed a wrestling match, but Trump backed down after hearing the rumor Kim Jong Un is a champion ssireum wrestler. Ssireum is a folk wrestling style and traditional national sport of Korea. While it is likely this is yet another one of Kim Jong Un’s unsubstantiated claims about his physical prowess, advisors warned Trump that at 71, nearly twice the age of North Korea’s leader, this was potentially a game he would not win.

Although North Korea’s leader taunted Trump for backing down from the wrestling match, calling him a “frightened dog,” he accepted Trump’s suggestion to rap battle, saying he would “annihilate the senile, dotard, American snake bastard.”

Critics worry Trump’s repertoire of racist slurs and “yo momma” jokes will not be enough to win the rap battle, but Trump is confident his old white guy swagger will prevail. “Rocketman ain’t got nothin’ on me,” he said in a recent tweet. Still, by coming up with an epic dis like Dotard, Kim Jong Un has demonstrated his masterful use of antiquated language and shown he knows his way around a thesaurus. Trump’s straightforward style may cost him points in the creativity category, as so far the best insults he has delivered include nicknames such as, Crooked Hillary, Lyin’ Ted, Crazy Bernie, and Low Energy-Jeb. “Cryin’ Chuck” and “Rocketman” do show he is capable of alliteration and ripping off Elton John songs though, so he may be able to pull it off.

A date for the competition has yet to be set, but ample time will be given to allow each leader to prepare dope rhymes . The rap battle will be judged by a panel of hip hop artists including Ice Cube, Big Baby Ghandy, Kang Chun-hyok, and Yang Dong-geun.

 

‘Mr. America’ To Return To WWE After 15 Years in Retirement, Wants to ‘Drop the Leg’ on Donald Trump

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STAMFORD, Connecticut – 

After near 2 decade absence, patriotic muscleman Mr. America will be making a surprise return to WWE television, with an announcement that he would be headlining a match on Monday Night Raw, the company’s flagship show.

Wearing his signature stars-and-stripes mask, with wispy blonde hair draping his neck and a fu-manchu mustache flanking his chin, the leather-skinned wrestler burst onto the scene at a WWE event in 2003. He vowed to fight for what was right in America; to fight for the rights of every man.

Mr. America’s return seems to conspicuously coincide with what is being known as one of the worst Presidents in the history of this country, and many are thinking that Mr. America is here to truly make America great again.

“Well let me tell you something, brother,” Mr. America said, “Mr. America is going to run wild all over the WWE, and if I end up running wild all the way to the White House, and I drop a leg on some tanned jabroni, well you know I’ll have a hell of a time doing it, brother. Whatcha gonna do, when Mr. America goes WILD on you, Donald Trump?!”

President Trump is a WWE Hall of Fame inductee, who is close, personal friends with company owner Vince McMahon and his family.

Mr. America is scheduled to appear next Monday on RAW.

Muslims Send Letter of Thanks To Trump For Banning Them From Entering U.S.

SYRIA – 

A group of Muslims has sent a nice letter and package to the office of Donald Trump at the White House, after he banned their entire country from entering the United States.

The group says that they are “overjoyed” that they will not be allowed to enter the country, as they say Donald Trump has turned the place into a “full blown shit show.”

“There was a time where all I ever wanted was to visit the United States. I saved for years to be able to visit, and then Donald Trump took over,” said Farook Mashud. “He has taken the country and basically turned it around, bent it over, and fucked it like a goat in heat. There is no reason to visit anymore, and now I am happy to be banned.”

Many Muslims around the globe shared Mashud’s sentiment, saying that they will just “wait four years” before they try to come again.

“Even if the ban is lifted, I see no reason to go to the United States anymore,” said Khalmid Bariel. “I really wanted to visit with Obama was running things, but with that white devil turning the country into a giant pile of feces, I do not want to take a chance of being beaten or murdered while visiting. I will stay in Syria.”

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Says Donald Trump Will Make Appearance At Wrestlemania

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STAMFORD, CT – 

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon announced today that he has tapped President Donald Trump to appear at Wrestlemania 33 in Orlando, Florida on April 2nd.

Trump, who had a long story arch in the WWE in the 90s and was entered into the WWE Wrestling Hall of Fame in 2013, says that he is “extremely excited” to get back in the ring.

“It was one of the best times of my life, attacking Vince McMahon and appearing on their Pay-Per-View events,” said Trump. “Vince and I, we’ve been friends a long time. Rivals in the world of business, but friends all the same. When he asked me to return, I wasn’t sure it was the best thing to do, because I’ve got a lot going on right now, but this is a yuge opportunity and will be a lot of fun for me, and hopefully for the Wrestlemania crowd in Orlando. I have no problem taking a steel chair to the face, as long as that chair was made by the United Steel Workers Union here in the great country I call home – the United States of America.”

“We are very excited that Donnie will be coming back in,” said McMahon in a press release posted to WWE.com. “He has always been a friend to this company, to the wrestling world, to the world of Sports Entertainment, and as an honored member of the Hall of Fame, we are very excited to have him appear at Wrestlemania 33.”

Neither McMahon nor Trump have indicated in what capacity the latter would be appearing, but McMahon did drop a hint that he hoped Trump wouldn’t have any problem getting color.

Suicide Numbers on Trump’s Inauguration Day Lowest in 50 Years

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Statistics released by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention show that last Tuesday, on Trump’s inauguration day, the rate of suicide was dramatically increased, with lower suicides on that day than any other in the last 50 years.

Regularly, there are about 120 suicides on any given day, with nearly 45,000 suicides happening each year. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. According to the AFSP, though, Tuesday’s numbers were almost “alarmingly” low.

“Normally, we record about 100 deaths, reported to us by police and federal agencies from across the country,” said AFSP Chairman Timothy Allen. “On Tuesday, we actually expected the number to increase to record levels, but instead, the opposite was true. As it turns out, there were only 3 suicides reported for the entire country on that day.”

Allen says that the number was the lowest in over 50 years, and that compared to Obama’s inauguration day, the number is mind-boggling.

“In 2008, there were over 600 suicides that occurred on Obama’s inauguration day,” said Allen. “That number was actually closer to 800 in 2012. Now, what these numbers mean is not my area to discuss. We filter the information, but we are not a political organization. It seems to me, though, that perhaps there are a lot more Trump supporters out there than people will admit. If he was really as hated as the media would make you think, the suicide rate would have been off the charts.”

Gary Johnson Says He’ll Give Everyone Who Votes For Him $100

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In what he says is his way of “giving back,” Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson says that for anyone who can prove that they vote for him in the general election, he will personally send them $100.

“People have been giving candidates money for years, and for all but one guy, that money is wasted, because they don’t win,” said Johnson. “Now, I want to be able to give some back. Whether I am elected or not, if you vote for me, I will mail you a $100 bill.”

Johnson says that he is challenging Donald Trump to do the same thing, and wants him to take it a step further.

“Donald Trump is a pussy, so I know he will never do this,” said Johnson. “But that guy is supposedly a billionaire, so I think he should give every one of his voters $500. He could, supposedly, afford it, and you know what, it would make him look like less of a pussy in my eyes.”

Witnesses At RNC Say One of Trump’s Daughters Assaulted Heidi Cruz, Security Removed Both From Convention

CLEVELAND, Ohio – 

According to several rumors coming out of the RNC, one of Trump’s daughters was seen assaulting Ted Cruz’s wife, Heidi, during a break at the Republican National Convention, prompting security to remove them both from the floor.

According to mainstream media, security was asked to remove Heidi Cruz from the floor for her own safety after the crowd began booing and jeering her husband during his speech. Witnesses at the event, though, say that’s not the reason at all.

“It wasn’t just Heidi that was taken away, it was also one of the Trump girls as well,” said reporter Mike Kennedy. “I was too far away to hear what they were arguing about, but Ms. Trump was definitely angry, and she spit right in Heidi Cruz’s face. Cruz actually reached back and slapped her across the face, and Trump pushed her to the floor. It all happened in a matter of seconds before security swept them away.”

Ted Cruz has refused to honor his commitment to back Republican nominee Donald Trump, and many are saying that the spat between families is what may have caused the assault on the RNC floor.

“I was standing only a couple feet away, and it was vicious,” said a man who was there, but who wished to remain anonymous. “Trump had definitely been drinking. To be honest, I don’t know which daughter it was. His entire family looks the same. Sort of orange with ugly hair. It could have been Donald in drag for all I know. Anyway, Trump scolded Heidi Cruz for not helping to support Donald Trump as he received, officially, the nomination, and Heidi yelled back. It was intense. I only wish I had gotten video.”

Mainstream news outlets have yet to pick up on the story, and most are assuming Trump and Cruz are working to have it covered up, as it negatively effects both of their families. Neither Donald Trump or Ted Cruz could be reached for comment.

 

Cher Says She Will ‘Blow Her Brains Out’ If Trump Is Elected

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LOS ANGELES, California –

The singer made the comment Monday evening at a star-studded fundraiser for Hillary Clinton at the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles, less than 24 hours before California holds its primaries.

“When I watch Trump I just want to blow my brains out,” Cher told crowd at the sold-out venue. Sons Elijah Blue Allman and Chaz Bono are begging the public to take their mother’s threat seriously.

“You wouldn’t know it to look at her but Mom is like 70, “said Elijah. “And she is getting a little kooky in her advancing years. She is dead serious about her threat to blow her brains out. When we were kids she’d say, “if you bastards don’t stop yelling I’m going to blow my brains out. Then she would put the glock to her head, and the look in her eye- Well, you could just tell Mom really meant it.”

Cher’s other son Chaz says he will join his mother in blowing his brains out if Trump gets elected president. “What do you want to bet in between all those new tax credits for the rich, he reverses Obama’s transgender bathroom decision? Of course I’m rich so rules like that don’t apply, but you better believe I will blow my brains out in solidarity.”

Home Depot Founder Vies to Become Official Sponsor of Mexico-America Wall, Endorses Trump

HomeDepot

Is there some rule out there we don’t know about that states that founders of major DIY retail chains have to get involved in politics eventually? We saw that the people behind Hobby Lobby were all too eager to jump out of their lane (craft supplies) when the moment arose, and now and it is becoming clear that they learned by watching the founder of Home Depot, who just can’t stay out of the political arena (made in part, presumably, withPremium Birrill Fir Studs).

Bernie Marcus wrote a piece for Real Clear Politics to announce that he is supporting Donald Trump. Granted, he is a home improvement store founder, so no one really asked him, but he did it, we have it, and we are moving forward with the new information now. If someone were to ask me, I’d say he’s just doing the same thing people speculated Ben Carson and Chris Christie might have been doingwhen they came out in favor of Trump. In the same way there were rumors that Carson and Christie were simply gunning for a chance at being vice president or getting into Trump’s cabinet, I think Marcus just wants to make sure that if Trump gets the presidency, Home Depot becomes the Official Sponsor of the Mexico-America Wall.

Anyway, asking yourself what Marcus’ reasoning is? Here are a few snippets.

A plug for the American Dream/Home Depot came first:

But I draw even more from lessons learned when we founded The Home Depot in 1978 rather than from the contentious GOP primary of 2016. I genuinely believe that if we to started The Home Depot today, we would fail because of the hurdles government, especially the current administration, places in front of small business owners.  I never forget The Home Depot’s small business roots – we started as a small business with four stores in Atlanta, Georgia.

Next came a just-because sort of attack on media and academia:

Politicians like Obama and Clinton, aided by the media and academia, have peddled a dangerous sentiment that government can provide for Americans better than the private sector.

That shade on media and academia came amidst glorification of the job creation inherent in the founding of small businesses. Note that Marcus took time to praise his employees who have been able to get wealthy without college degrees, but in one quick statement, took a swipe at everyone who works at a university, lab, library, newspaper, television station, etc. So, are jobs really the main focus here at all?

He concluded by targeting the #NeverTrump Republicans:

As a GOP donor who stood steadfastly behind Jeb Bush– and who has contributed to candidates for a generation – I urge all Republicans to stand up and be counted in support for Donald Trump.

In time, we will surely learn the political inclinations of every founder, mogul, and, in Marcus’ words, “young [man willing] to shag carts from a parking lot because he has faith that he and his family can be great.” Marcus is just one of the first of many this election season.

In conclusion, make repainting your living room for the ninth time because you’re so bored and lonely that it physically hurts and maybe a sea-foam green accent wall will fill the void your ex-girlfriend left great again or something.

VIA Mediaite

Kim Jong-Un Says Most Important Thing To Discuss With Trump Is ‘Mean Internet Memes’

PYONGANG, North Korea –

Leader of North Korea says he accepts Trump’s request to talk to him, and would like to discuss suing the internet over offensive memes. Trump’s reputation of suing when his feelings are hurt proceeds him. Trump has sued the artist who depicted him with a micropenis, satire website The Onion for liable, and the New York Times for twisting his words.

Kim Jong-Un says he is disgusted by the amount of unflattering memes and artwork he sees on a Google image search. “Supreme leader should not be portrayed in undignified way. I understand Trump has same problem and would like to discuss suing the internet.”

Trump sympathizes with Jong-Un. Trump says, “I’m a little jealous of the guy. No one’s making an offensive meme in his country. He’s got respect. But the little gooks got to understand here in the United States of America, land of the free, once the internet’s got an image of you, it’s gone.”

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