Frito-Lay Announces New, Mega-Sized Doritos Chips

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Frito-Lay, the company who manufactures Doritos-brand tortilla chips, has announced that they have plans to make an excessively large chip, with plans to release it later this summer.

“After a viral meme caught our attention, relating the name ‘Dorito’ to meaning ‘little Doro,’ in Spanish, and surmising that must mean that somewhere out there are ‘large Doros,’ we decided to give the public exactly what they want,” said Frito-Lay spokesman Mario Rogers. “We will be unveiling the DoroXL by the end of the summer, with chips that are roughly the size of the current Party Bag of Doritos.”

The company says this is the first time they’ve ever turned an internet joke into an actual product, but they believe it will sell very well.

“With the success of our Doritos-Locos tacos at Taco Bell with stoners and alcoholics, there is no way that this product can fail,” said Rogers. “We are very excited for everyone to see these new chips. They’re literally the size of your head.”

The product will come in the original nacho cheese and “Cool Ranch” flavor to start, and Rogers says that – sales figures depending – the company may release other popular flavors in the DoroXL brand.

Crotch-Stomper Doritos From China Taste ‘Just Like Balls’

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BEIJING, China – 

For years the internet has been confused by an image of a bag of Doritos from China featuring a man appearing to hold another man’s legs apart while he stomps on his crotch. The Doritos, which have been dubbed “Crotch-Stomper” chips, are considered a delicacy in China, unlike the traditional chips sold throughout the world as a standard item.

According to people who have been able to try the chips, they taste exactly the way you’d expect: like balls.

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“Oh my God, they’re horrible,” said Mark Jones, who paid almost $100 for a bag online. “I had to try them though – that picture is crazy. But, frankly, they taste exactly the way my balls smell after a long day at the gym or something. Nasty.”

Doritos are manufactured by Frito Lay, who say that the flavor is supposed to be  savory, sweet, and tangy.

“The chips are certainly not supposed to taste like balls,” said Frito Lay spokesman Jeff Miller. “I tried them, I thought they tasted kind of like stale salt & vinegar chips. They’re not my favorite, but people love them, especially in China.”

“I ate a whole bag, I couldn’t get enough of them,” said Missy Loans. “I bought a bag online. Paid about $80 bucks for it, and they were gone in minutes. I don’t know if they really taste like balls – I mean, I’ve had plenty of balls in my mouth over the years, and I’ve never tasted balls like this. Maybe a bit like dick, but I mean, the dick is definitely not balls.”

Doritos Announces A New Weed Infused Chip

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PURCHASE, New York – 

Fantastic news coming to those who enjoy the popular Frito Lay chip Doritos and those that also enjoy to smoke a bit of the refer. Coming to stores soon is a new style of the popular snack that will be infused with THC, the main chemical in marijuana.

Doritos and weed have been a popular duo for years now and the company decided to cut out the middle man and give the people what they want. With so many edible marijuana products on the selves, Frito Lay decided to take the leap and have told us they should have done it years ago.

We spoke to a Colorado man who was given a few bags of the new chip and claims while they were delicious and extremely fun, he wished he went about his experience a bit differently.

“I was asked to be in a test project for the new chip and I was pumped. They literally paid me to smoke weed and then eat weed, it was rad as hell. The chips tasted great, the buzz it gave me awesome, but there was one problem. I smoked a bong right before indulging in the chips and got the munchies real bad. The only thing I had to snack on was the weed infused Doritos and began to chop those down. I got in a weird cycle were I kept getting high and then hungry due to the THC in the chip. Finally, 2 days later I ran out of all the bags the test project gave me and my buzz finally wore off and I could wash he cheese residue off my hands and put pants on”

Lays has confirmed that they will be putting a warning label on the chips and children will not be able to buy the chips unless there parents give consent.

 

Researchers Find Chemical In Doritos Linked To Male Impotence

empire-doritos-impotence-chemicals-scienceSTOCKHOLM — Swedish Researchers at the University of Stockholm released a startling report to their Parliament over the weekend linking popular american brand tortilla chip, Doritos to male impotence and a negative birthrate in Sweden.

The mega-popular snack commonly consumed during televised sporting events, bar-b-cues, parties, and all night video game binges is linked in the report to massive libido disfunction in cows and men who consume the salty corn snacks four times a week or more.

Research for this discovery commenced after mature Guernsey bulls living on the University’s dairy inadvertently consumed two hundred pounds of expired Doritos product set aside for the school farm’s hogs.

 Doctor Adrian Blondell, an endocrinologist overseeing artificial insemination operations, knew something was wrong when the big fellas didn’t deliver. The collection process which normally drives young bulls crazy made them eventually sit down on the job out of presumed boredom.

“It was absolutely bizarre, dozens of healthy bulls acting  like they had been snipped.”   Blondell reported.

Alarmed and amazed by the phenomenon, Dr. Blondell ordered immediate analysis of the bulls manure and head-to-tail physicals. All tests indicated a massive drop in testosterone production…levels equal to that of a steer (A bull that sings soprano).

Mass spectrometry technicians in the lab found metabolized compounds consisting mostly of Dorito chip additives, including RED 40 and MonoSodiumGlutamate (MSG) to be the culprit in the bulls sudden lack of ambition.

The delicious, saliva-stimulating gooey paste covering each tortilla chip eventually plugged up testosterone receptor sites in the bull’s testicles, rendering them useless.

Anybody that has ever eaten handfuls of tasty Doritos chips easily recognizes the gooey paste left behind on their fingers. Dr. Blondell wondered if Swedish men are similarly affected. She theorized that men frequently consume the most gooey paste during televised sporting events and set out to prove it.

During weekend games, off campus observers confirmed most single men, instead of getting up to wash their hands or grab a napkin, opt to lick their fingers clean of the Doritos gooey paste before grabbing another beer or thumbing the television remote. Some literarily scrape it off with their teeth.

 It was good news for the bulls that their new eunuch condition wasn’t permanent. A return to their normal diet restored their fitness, ambition, and testosterone levels, but Blondell’s startling discovery was enough for Sweden’s Parliament members to place a national import ban on Doritos and certain snack chips beginning next year to combat Sweden’s already declining birth rate citing a possible correlation.

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