‘Dr. Oz Show’ To Air Final Season In 2016; Show Pulled From Syndication Over Controversy

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

The Dr. Oz Show, which has run for 6 seasons, is reportedly being pulled from syndication lineups after the 2016 season, according to the show’s producers.

The series, which stars Dr. Mehmet Oz, who got famous appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show, features Dr. Oz discussing current medical issues, as well as having guest appearances. The series, a favorite amongst old and naive people, held strong ratings for most of its run, although a slew of controversy over the years has dipped ratings.

“The problem is, more than half of what Dr. Oz talks about is just straight-up bullshit,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a physician in Atlanta. “I am so glad that he is finally being taken off the air. Studies have been done on the lies and misinformation he has spread, and it is painful. His information, which often seems to stem from companies paying to have their products features, could cause people to become violently ill, or even die. It’s amazing he’s lasted this long.”

Dr. Oz reportedly sees himself as an impartial advocate, giving out as much information as he can on different topics, ranging from diabetes to cancer, and everything in between.

“Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to know much about the topics he covers,” said Dr. Brown. “He is an actual M.D., but I cannot figure out why anyone would listen to his wild misinformed statements. A simple Google search can tell you that 54% of his medical recommendations are not actually supported by fact.”

Producers for the show say that they are actually “relieved” that it will no longer be aired.

“We were in constant fear of some wrongful death lawsuit after a cancer patient gave up treatment to just eat cantaloupe, or whatever nonsense Dr. Oz would spout on the air,” said an anonymous producer. “We’re just really glad we can move on to real entertainment production now, and not crazy medical fiction and company-sponsored medical lies.”

Dr. Oz Forced to Undergo All His Miracle Treatments

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Television personality Dr Oz has come under fire over the years for constantly touting what he calls “miracle treatments” which have no scientific backing. The debate over his legitimacy has heated up recently, with many saying he is a fraud who advertises products under the guise of medical advice, betraying the trust of those who trust him with their health choices. Now activists have found an innovative way to test his commitment, with their insistence that he publicly tries a course of all of those so-called miracle treatments.

“He’s agreed to do it, but with a lot of reluctance,” said nurse and sceptic, Perennial Lopez. “I think he’s frantically trying to find a way out of this, because he knows what’s about to happen to his health and reputation.”

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A list of some of the possibly bogus health claims he has made include miracle weight loss supplements, communicating with the dead, harnessing energy to face risky surgeries, homeopathic flu remedies, and brushing teeth with soda and baking powder.

Although these products and methods are unlikely to do Dr Oz any real damage on their own, together we may see the controversial figure fighting for his sanity, if not his physical health.

“He’ll be undergoing surgery, so that we can see if harnessing energy really helps,” said Lopez. “We’re going to give him the latest strain of flu, and make him take that homeopathic bullshit. Then, he’s gonna try lose weight.”

Dr Oz could not be reached for comment, but his spokesperson says that he “is not concerned at all. Mehmet [Oz] is a trustworthy individual who would never promote anything unsafe or ineffective. Well, ineffective maybe, but definitely not unsafe. Definitely. Some products which have been deemed unsafe were never really marketed by him in the first place. He just told the public about them so that they could make up their own minds.”

Doctors To Classify ‘Binge-Watching’ As Severe Mental Disorder

Doctors To Classify 'Binge-Watching' As Severe Mental Disorder

 

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Eager to re-watch the first four seasons of Game of Thrones in anticipation of the April release of the next chapter? Well, your urges may be cause for concern. Binge watching has in the past year been clinically verified as an addiction, and now doctors are saying it might be in line for classification as a ‘severe mental disorder’.

“We all know that television gives us an escape from the harsh realities of life. It also allows us to dissociate from our bodies into a state of mental inaptitude,” Dr John Wallans, editor of psychiatric diagnostic handbook, DSM-V, explained on his YouTube channel. “What it can do is turn our brains off and make us sink into depression and apathy. Some people do not recover as quickly after watching one episode, and they are drawn into watching two or three at a time. The habit slowly develops into a disorder, in which they are never free from the psychological disintegration, and use excessive television marathons as a distorted coping mechanism.”

The public at large remains unimpressed.

“I coulda toldja that,” said chronic watcher Jim Bellic. “I know what’s wrong with my head, and I know why I binge watch. Doctors just wanna make everything into an illness ya know. It’s so they can make money on drugs. They’re in it with the pharmaceutical companies. I think it’s called pharming.”

Television personality Dr Oz has jumped onto the mental illness bandwagon, using the latest episode of his show to spread terror of this “terrible malady” and promote BingeKiller, a so-called “wonder-drug which cures tv induced depression in mere seconds.”

For more information about the symptoms of the disorder and how to treat it, stories of diagnosis and cure, and fear-mongering by irate Googlers, WebMD has added binge-watching to its catalogue, and has already built up over ten million comments sharing non-expert advice.

Doctors Prescribing Morphine Instead of Sugar Pills to Make Placebos More Convincing

Doctors Prescribing Morphine Instead of Sugar Pills to Make Placebos More Convincing

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a bid to make placebos more convincing, doctors are reportedly now prescribing morphine as a cure-all from phantom headaches to imagined cancer symptoms. The move comes as a result of the increased publicity the so-called “sugar-pills” have received, causing their psychological effects to be dampened.

“Research has shown that placebos work even when the patient is told it has no medicinal content,” said pharmaceutical expert Harry Flaubert. “However, their success is limited – there’s only so much you can do to trick a human body into thinking it feels better. Now with the public becoming more and more sceptical of pharmaceuticals as a whole, placebos are convincing almost no one.”

Doctors around the country have therefore been moving onto opiates to ensure the patients can actually feel the pills working, even if their effects have nothing to do with the symptoms reported. Simply by virtue of the fact that the patient feels a pleasant numbing in his or her head, s/he presumes the placebo is working and is satisfied.

Television personality, Dr. Mehmet Oz, has hailed morphine as a “miracle drug.”

“It’s everything you’ve been waiting for, folks,” he enthused on his eponymous show. “These drugs are the true panacea. They work almost exactly like heroin, and can cure all your problems, whether physical or psychological.”

Local old hag, Penelope Tudor, has for the first time in her life praised her doctor for work well done.

“He’s wonderful,” she said, referring to the browbeaten doctor, Dr. Charles Matic. “These new tablets he gave me are flm avaz herrummmmph…”

Dr. Matic said of the drowsy and disoriented Miss Tudor, that the morphine is really working for her, and he’s looking forward to her willing acceptance of his constant assurances that she won’t become addicted.

Radio Host Dr. Laura Adopts Ten Pit Bulls, Immediately Has Them Euthanized

SACRAMENTO, California – Radio Host Dr. Laura Adopts Ten Pit Bulls, Immediately Has Them Euthanized

Just days after saying that “Pit bulls are a waste of space and should all be put down” on her radio show, The Dr. Laura Program, host Laura Schlessinger adopted ten pit bulls from a Southern California rescue shelter only to have the dogs immediately euthanized.

Shelter operator Mary Sheckles told Empire News that Schlessinger stopped by the shelter earlier this week, just days after making her now infamous comments about pit bulls. Sheckles said Schlessinger, also known as ‘Dr. Laura’, acted very sympathetic and guilty over her comments, so she wanted to give ten pit bulls a good home. Sheckles was convinced that Schlessinger had turned a new leaf after thousands of pit bull owners tweeted and emailed her telling her why she was wrong.

“She seemed very sincere,” Sheckles said. “I was just as angry as anyone toward that woman, then she came in and really poured it on heavy, so heavy it was emotional for me. I then showed her around the shelter and she took the time to meet and greet with ten of our pits we had at the time. She said she wanted to adopt every single one of them. I was so moved, I cried tears of joy.”

However, according to Sheckles, Schlessinger did not adopt the dogs to keep as pets. Hours after making the adoption arrangements, the radio host had a family member take the pit bulls to a local veterinarian, who she had known was also anti-pit bull, and had all ten dogs euthanized. A sympathetic employee from the veterinarian’s office secretly called Sheckles, and told her the devastating truth.

“I have been crying non-stop since,” Sheckles said. “In my opinion, this woman is evil and sadistic, and she needs to be taken off the air so that her lies and untruths can no longer be spread. For her comments and actions, she should lose all of her sponsors. The things she says, and the hatred she spews, all the while having very little to absolutely zero knowledge on the subjects in which she speaks, it’s all just very disturbing. She’s almost as bad – no, she’s worse than Dr. Oz!”

 

Disputed Study Claims Laundry Starch Promotes Healthy Teeth and Bones

NIAGARA FALLS, New York – Disputed Study Claims Laundry Starch Promotes Healthy Teeth and Bones

“Smile and say ‘CHEESE!’” How many times have photographers used the familiar phrase to coax smiles out of family members, co-workers, and friends?  You’d have to be a crazy person to try and guess. Well, hold on to your wits, because now the cheese stands alone.  A new phrase may take its place:  Smile and say ‘STARCH!’

A highly disputed study sponsored by the National Laundry Council (NRC) suggests that common laundry starch, when used as part of a balanced diet, improves bone density and promotes healthy teeth.

NRC researcher Phyllis Argo and University of Phoenix osteopath, Dr. Felix Haney announced study results.

“It started because I’m lactose intolerant and worried about osteoporosis. I realized that if starch could make my clothes and linens stiffer and harder, why not my bones?” said Argo.  “If you look at pictures of my mother and grandmother – all the older females in my family – they’ve all got ‘Dowager’s Hump.”

“Dowager’s Hump” is the informal name for kyphosis, a condition in which upper vertebrae compression causes a hump at the upper back.  Osteoporosis, or “porous bones” is the leading cause.

Dr. Haney provided details of his starch study. “I experimented with a variety of substances mostly based on appearance and density to calcium and enamel, and my research pointed toward common laundry starch as the most digestible alternative.”

“I can’t tolerate dairy, and I didn’t like the side effects of those bone pills I saw on TV.  The commercial with the actress who broke her leg on stage frightened me.  I didn’t want to hobble around with a hunchback. I was initially scared to just eat the starch, so I just bathed in it. That seemed to help, just like it helps the linens. But it wasn’t enough.”

When questioned on the validity not only for this study, but also for another of the doctor’s ‘chalk and vinegar’ regimens, he excused himself to ‘go find [the research reports].’  Moments later, his receptionist explained that the doctor was ‘swamped’ with house calls, and had left the premises.

Dr. Mehmet Oz, himself under fire for promoting fad diet pills, addressed starch therapy during a recent studio taping of his medical entertainment show, Dr. Oz.

“There’s no medicinal value to ingesting laundry starch,” he said.  “Usually people have cravings for nutrients that the body needs.  My advice is to get yourself checked out by your doctor and follow recommended treatment.  Laundry starch is for laundry, isn’t that right ladies?” He asked his audience, receiving a standing ovation.

“Well, I’m going to keep with the regimen,” said Argo.  I think I feel better since I started, and I trust my doctor,” she added.  “My posture’s improved, I think.”

Subsequent calls to Dr. Haney’s office were not returned, but a voice recording on his office answering machine reminded callers to always discuss new treatments with your physician prior to beginning any regimen, especially ones where you’re going to be literally ingesting poison, such as with the laundry starch addition to your diet.

Dr. Oz Research Shows Surrounding Yourself With Obese Friends Makes You Appear Thinner

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Study By Dr. Oz Suggests Surrounding Yourself With Obese Friends Makes You Appear Thinner

Television star Dr. Mehmet Oz, who also directs the Cardiovascular Institute and Complementary Medicine Program at New York-Presbyterian Hospital located in New York City, announced that extensive medical research on how one can make themselves appear thinner has concluded, and the results are groundbreaking. Their discovery was that hanging out with people who are more overweight than you will actually make you appear thinner. 

“It is a joy to reach this conclusion, which will most certainly improve the quality of life and socialization of those who build a new group of friends who are fatter than they are. Being the ‘thin’ guy, or gal, in the crowd will make you the ever-so-popular life of the party. Many Americans are completely satisfied with their large figures and that is perfectly okay because they make the best friends!” Dr. Oz enthusiastically expressed during a daily taping of his popular television daytime life and health talk show, Dr. Oz, on Friday.

The month-long study included sixty single, overweight volunteers, many considered obese,  split into six groups. The person with the lowest body fat percentage was then declared the priority test subject. Each group proceeded to go out and participate in random social events during the day and hit the bars at night. All six priority test subjects reported their sex lives had improved dramatically, and felt an overwhelming improvement in self-esteem while socializing with the nine chunkier friends.

“It is a win/win situation,” Oz said. “Obese people get to make lots of friends, while the average beer-bellied bachelor draws all the attention, vastly improving social skills for all involved. There is always one person who stands out in the crowd, you can still be overweight, just make sure your friends are more overweight. Frequent places that attract a lot of overweight people such as buffets and bingo halls, those places are packed to the gills with satisfied, big, loving, wonderful human beings. Use Facebook or Twitter to stay in touch with your skinny friends, just don’t go out with them anymore.”

Some members of the audience left in disgust, saying Dr. Oz is spreading exploitation of overweight people, such as Mary Parker from Dayton, Ohio. “I can’t believe Dr. Oz is telling everybody to hang out with people fatter than them, I am usually the big girl, where am I supposed to search for friends? I’m usually the one at the buffet with a stack of five or six plates,” Parker said.

Others left with a completely different point of view, such as Josh Sweeney from Fairdale, Kentucky. “I’ll tell ya what, if they don’t like it, this is what they need to do, lose some f**king weight. It’s their choice ya know?” Sweeney blatantly stated. “I have lots of fat friends, that’s why I have such a pretty girlfriend. Keep your fat friends close!” Sweeney added.

It seems that the late, great Rodney Dangerfield was a genius after all. Dangerfield once said, “I found that there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people!” His words at the time, though had been interpreted as some joke, fetching no legitimate respect.

 

 

 

 

 New York-Presbyterian Hospital.[14] His research interests include heart replace

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