Betty White To Star In ‘Golden Girls’ Reboot on CBS


MIAMI, Florida –

Everyone’s favorite TV queen, Betty White, has reportedly signed on to star in a reboot of the classic 80s sitcom The Golden Girls, which ran for 7 seasons and also originally starred Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty, and Rue McClanahan.

“I am so extremely excited to go back to work on what I think was my crowning achievement as an actress,” said White. “I only wish that the other girls could be here to take part. They tell me that the scripts are coming along, and that they’re going to be so dark and gritty. It’s going to be a fun change!”

The reboot is still being cast, but will reportedly will take place in the same home in Miami, with White reprising her role as Rose.

“Rose was one of the most loveable characters on TV, and Golden is one of of, if not the best, written sitcoms in television history,” said CBS executive Merle Rogers. “We are extremely excited to work with Betty again, and to begin a whole new series of ‘being a friend.'”

No air date or shoot schedule has been set for the series, but Rogers did say that it’s not “entirely out of the question” to make the show grittier and more updated.

“People like their shows dark now. Back in the day, we had, for example, the comedic Batman TV series. Now we have The Dark Knight. It’s the same with TV,” said Rogers. “It’s all Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, Mad Men. Moody, dark shows. That’s what people want, so that’s what we’ll give them with this Golden Girls reboot.”

NFL Admits Games, Off-Field Drama Are All Pre-Determined, Scripted Events

NEW YORK CITY, New York – NFL Admits Games, Off-Field Drama Are All Pre-Determined, Scripted Events

This season of NFL has not disappointed its fans, either on or off the field. There has been some incredible games played, and some very incredible drama following the franchise and players, but they have still been pulling in viewership numbers like never before.

It is because of the incredible ratings that they have been getting that it has finally been confirmed by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell that the  reason why things have been so ‘dramatic’ lately, and the truth may be devastating to most football fans.

Goodell reveled in a press conference Saturday evening that the NFL has been lying to fans for years, as they have been secretly setting up all the games, creating off-field and media drama amongst players, and even going so far as to creating the illusion of long-term injuries for certain players.

“When we say that our athletes are playing the game, what we really mean is that they are playing our game,” said Goodell. “We’ve been manipulating everything. The games are pre-determined, and the players and coaches aren’t really calling the shots. Just like professional wrestling, we’re putting on a show, and for years, people have been tuning in to see what we’ll do next. Which team will win? Which player will beat down another? Which player will beat down his wife? It’s all about the ratings, and the stories created by our team of skilled writers.”

Goodell went on to also talk more about players and their personal lives, and how even getting certain people to agree to take legal heat outside the game in an effort to bring in more viewers.

“Now, I’m not saying that every little thing is a work. Michael Vick is certainly guilty of the dog fighting thing, but we do set up a lot of behind-the-scenes antics to keep people on the edge of their seats. There are bonuses structured for players who create a name for themselves in the media, whether it be good or bad. It doesn’t matter. In the end, they’ll get people watching.”

When asked why they were admitting only now, decades after the league began, that the games and media frenzy were all shams, Goodell said that he just felt the time was right.

“We’re hotter than we’ve ever been, and it just seems at this point it doesn’t matter what we do. Abuse allegations, cheating scandals, long-term and life-altering head injuries – it doesn’t matter. People still sit down with a bag of chips and a rack of beer every week, and watch our guys go to work. It doesn’t matter if the public knows we’re lying or not – they just want to be entertained.”


Fortune 500 Company Executive Speaks Out Against Sexism in the Workplace

LOS ANGELES, California – fortune 500 exectuive speaks out against sexism in workplace

A Senior Vice-President at a prominent Fortune 500 Los Angeles firm wrote in an email to the L.A. Times that he is “fed up” with sexism in the workplace. The executive, who asked that his company not be named, and signed the email simply as “Howard,” has some extreme examples for what he feels would be a positive step to eliminating sexism in the workplace.

“It’s gotten downright out of control,” Howard writes in his letter to the Times. “Whenever I express myself in an aggressive way, I’m perceived as an ass—-. But when a woman is aggressive, people say she’s just ‘assertive.’”

“What’s worse,” he continues, “is the ‘glass ceiling’ debacle. As a direct result of Janine over in Corporate Finance beating me out of my promotion to CEO, I can’t afford to install the skylight I’ve always wanted on the fourth floor of my Summer estate. It’s so depressing I can’t bring myself to vacation there. Just this once, I wanted a damn glass ceiling.”

Apparently it isn’t just Howard suffering a financial strain as a result of corporate sexism—it’s also his company. He claims that, “It’s one thing for women to take our jobs, but equal pay too? The amount we are paying our female staff has led to budget cuts resulting in my flying business class instead of first class on business trips, and I’m forced to stay in dismal 4-star accommodations that don’t even have a minibar.”

Howard also points out the undue consideration given his female colleagues when it comes to the use of office space, citing as an example the recent conversion of the office billiards room to a breast-feeding room: “Why can’t we just buy a porta-potty for that? Isn’t how they do it at football games?”

He continues, arguing that sexism is forcing men to settle for traditionally “male” roles such as a blacksmith or a shoeshine boy.

The contents of Howard’s email, however, didn’t contain mere complaints—He also proposed a solution to what he deems this “silent epidemic.”

“Simply put,” he states, “all of these issues can be stopped in their tracks and prevented by placing a ban on ‘Bring Your Daughter to Work Day’ in corporate workplaces. If they don’t know about work, they can’t eventually get into the workplace. Easy-peasy.”

Howard says that he plans to start a Facebook page dedicated to the movement he refers to as MESI (Men for the End of Sexual Injustice).

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