Uber Slammed For Not Having Attractive Female Drivers

LOS ANGELES, California –

Transport and travel phenomenon Uber has had its fair share of problems. The smartphone app works efficiently and is especially useful, but major issues have ranged from accusations of rape against drivers, to criticisms of the company raising prices in emergencies. Now they face a new volley of complaints, this time for not having enough attractive female drivers.

“We believe that Uber is intentionally bigoted against our community,” said Attractive Females for Equal Opportunities head, Stephanie Andreason. “They’ve certainly got a ‘type’ – usually dumpy males with a little body odor. Accordingly, we’ve initiated an inquest as to whether this phenomenon constitutes discrimination and violates employment ethics.”

Uber’s founder and CEO, Travis Kalanick, has however hit out at Andreason, saying that they’ve continuously tried and failed to attract beautiful women drivers.

“Trust me, Stephanie. If we could get hot chicks to drive our cars, we would. We’d even charge extra for their services. Our male customer base would benefit, and we’ll do anything to assuage them and further our business interactions in that arena.”

LGBTI activists consequently spoke up against Kalanick, calling him homophobic and shortsighted.

“Their male customer base would benefit?” said Hilton Herring. “What about their lesbian clientele? What about the queers? What about transgender persons born male but identify themselves as female? What about gender-non-specific individuals? Obviously Mr Kalanick is out of date with the modern world, and is still living according to Victorian values. We’re going to protest until he apologizes or resigns his post.”

Andreason responded to Kalanick as well, saying that “we have hundreds of models in bikinis waiting to get into a car and drive drunk teenagers around. Don’t pretend there aren’t. We even have one who turned up to an interview topless, and she was dismissed wihtout even getting interviewed. It’s because she has massive boobs, and apparently the Uber employment don’t like that.”

Kalanick was overheard saying to a close associate, “Shit, they read our minds.”

MIAMI, Florida –

It’s been a quiet few months for NASCAR, and fans are beginning to grumble. Since August 2014, not a single driver has been killed, meaning the sport is nothing more than grown men playing racing cars. Kevin Ward Jr. was the flavor of the month when Tony Stewart seemed to accelerate into him, killing him and ending his short career.

“It’s no fun anymore, since Kevin’s death,” said long time fan, Huxley Turncroft. “They’ve increased safety regulations, and I can’t imagine we’ll see any further accidents of the kind in the near future. Drivers are just too scared to be reckless right now.”

NASCAR driver Jamie Dick has been hospitalized in the last few days, but apparently it’s because of health issues unrelated to driving. He certainly wasn’t hit in the head by debris on exiting his car after a crash.

“Dick is in our thoughts,” said NASCAR spokesperson Reynold Howards. “Dick is in the hands of gentle and caring nurses. But he has a boring illness, and no signs of having hit his head on the steering wheel.”

Stefan Howitzer, an analyst of sports injuries and deaths, says the world is going through an unusual dry spell.

“A couple of weeks ago, a footballer in England collapsed due to minor issues. Basically, he fainted. Nothing exciting. At the Cricket World Cup in Australia a batsman went to the doctor for a common cold, but no one has been killed by having a cricket ball hit them in the back of the neck. And NASCAR has been even worse. Drivers have been escaping serious injury by either not crashing or by having excellent safety equipment built into their cars. New technology is destroying the world of sport.”

A representative of the NASCAR Drivers Association hit back at reports, saying “we’re trying really hard to cause injuries and death. However, it is getting harder to do so without having legal recourse taken against us. Our experts are working hard on coming up with new strategies.”