Man Assaults Nephew With 12 Point Buck Trophy

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buck

WATERVILLE, Maine – 

Brad Reed learned the hard way not horse around in the house after knocking his uncle, Jacob Reed’s, prize buck head off the wall. Brad and friend Kenny Williams were fighting for a video game controller when Brad knocked Williams into the deer head. Brian says he “didn’t know what to do with it,” so they set it on the couch and fled.

Brad returned alone later, and found his uncle was waiting for him. “I could tell he was drunk the way he was petting the deer and talking to it,” says Brad. “I told him we tried to put it back together but needed superglue.”

Jacob Reed then allegedly threatened his nephew with the detached antler, demanding Brad bend over and take it in the behind. When the boy refused, Jacob beat him with the antler.

Brad’s mother Shirley Reed says they will not press charges. “Well, the boy got what he deserved, but I for one am glad I don’t have to look at that damn deer head anymore. Only supposed to be hanging on our wall till Jacob found a place of his own. Well it’s been three years, and he’s still on our Goddamn couch.”

President Obama Arrested For Drunk Driving Returning From New Year’s Eve Party

obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to police reports, President Barack Obama was arrested for drunk driving on his way back to the White House from a New Year’s Eve party in Baltimore.

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The president, who normally is driven by secret service members, apparently become severely intoxicated at the home of a family friend, and snuck away from his bodyguards by climbing out of a bathroom window.

“The President jumped from a second story window after throwing up in the [unnamed friend’s] bathtub, and stole a car from their garage,” said police chief John Wiggin. “When he was pulled over, he had a blood-alcohol level of 2.0, and was driving 95mph down the wrong side of the road. He’s insanely lucky no one was hurt.”

The incident took place at approximately 7pm, and the President was reportedly sleeping it off in a Washington, D.C. jail cell. Police say it is highly likely the Obama will pardon himself of his crimes, as he has done several times during his presidency.

Man Who Died While Showering Not Found For 3 Days

shower

LOS ANGELES, California –

It wasn’t until the repairman came about the furnace that a 32-year-old man was discovered dead in his shower. The water had been running, exhausting the hot water in the apartment building, and after his neighbors complained the maintenance man and landlord discovered the cause.

The landlord, Fred Willette, and the repairman, George Glass, both said something smelled foul when they entered the apartment, which they initially thought was garbage.

“It got stronger once we got to the bathroom. Almost threw up when I pulled back that shower curtain at the sight of a naked man,” said Glass.

“Our first priority was restoring hot water to the apartment complex, because we had a lot of complaints, and I don’t want to be known as a slumlord,” said Willette.  “So we shut off his water. We then called the police to report his grotesque, water-bloated body.”

Autopsy reports have yet to be released, but building supervisor says the man’s apartment was littered with empty beer bottles and cans, which may explain why he lost consciousness in the shower.

“Guy must’ve just fell asleep drunk, ended up drowning in the shower. Place was a real dump. Littered with Star Wars crap and Magic cards,” said Willette. “Seems like the guy must not have had much to live for. Always paid his rent on time though. We’ll miss him for that reason.”

Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Incites Riots, $250k Damage

Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Causes Riots, $250k Damage

BEACONSFIELD, Iowa – 

A small town in Iowa has completely banned all music from being played within city limits after a punk rock music concert caused over $250,000 in damage to local businesses.

According to police chief Mario Fellows, a punk rock music concert was booked at the Beaconsfield American Legion, featuring an underground band called ‘CarcinomaSnail’ as the headliner. The band, who are known for their intense live shows which feature songs about death, murder, and misogyny, filled the town – which normally only has 150 permanent residents – with over 500 punk and rock music fans from the surrounding area, most of whom were reportedly rowdy, drunk, and violent.

“We ended up having about 47 arrests the night of the concert,” said Officer Fellows. “The show ended and the kids, they just went out and basically rioted. They overturned cars, destroyed windows of buildings and stores, set fires, and held up a liquor-slash-convienience store for the entire day’s take – $11.48.”

Fellows said that the show’s promoters, a small group called WeRockU out of Des Moines, had gained permission from the local American Legion to hold the show there after they were not able to secure a venue in a bigger area.

“We lost the lease at our normal venue, because Des Moines kids were always having fights or passing out drunk or nodding off, whatever,” said WeRockU’s Matt Briggs. “So we set up the show in Beaconsfield, where we figured no one would give a shit what we did. Turns out, the kids from Des Moines who just go to any punk show they can, they came out here, and yeah, guess we had some similar issues. But, man, whatever. Punk-fucking-rock, right, bros?”

The town is suing WeRockU for breach of contract, which stated that no damage would happen to the Legion building, or the surrounding town. WeRockU has filed a countersuit, claiming that the Legion did not provide adequate parking as was stated in the original agreement.

Officer Fellows says that the headlining act was not held responsible or charged with inciting a riot.

“As it turns out, they’re actually really nice people,” said Officer Fellows. “They play some angry music from what I could hear while I was outside the building, but they were just sweet, nice folks who played their music, and left peacefully to head to their next gig. Everything happened after they had left. They’re fine guys and gals who I hope make it very big and have lots of success.”

The town decided to ban all music, live or recorded, in hopes that no one ever has the intention of bringing a rock show to their town in the future. A new sign has been posted on each end of the one-road town stating “Welcome To Beaconsfield – Throw Out Your Records.”

 

U.S. To Replace St. Patrick’s Day With More Diverse ‘National Drunk Day’ In 2016

U.S. To Replace St. Patrick's Day With More Diverse 'National Drunk Day' In 2016

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Following years of racial inequality, the United States is finally making the right move: in 2016, the previously Irish-centric holiday St. Patrick’s Day will be replaced with the more diversity-friendly and honestly titled “National Drunk Day.”

Proponents of this change say St. Patrick’s Day, while historical in nature, had little to do with Irish history in modern times and was really all about drinking green beer. With the holiday declared, certain traditions are encouraged to remain intact, including said green beer and women having an excuse to wear tight and revealing green clothing. The hope is that these colors will still be relevant as people will get so drunk they end up puking up green bile.

President Obama recently spoke of his support for this change. “Most Americans are too stupid to understand the real meaning behind St. Patrick’s Day anyway. It only tarnishes Irish history and gets in the way of things our country is really about – alcoholism, degrading women, and partying.”

By removing the Irish component to the holiday, people of all backgrounds will be able to feel more welcome to celebrate it. In fact, changing the title to National Drunk Day invites the diversity of the American spirit, as it truly defines the nation’s Greatest Past-time.

Some opposition to this change has made its way to the surface, mostly in the form of those trying to “maintain the intellectual integrity of our nation.” Their cries fall on deaf – and mostly drunk – ears, however, and show no promise of having any sway.

California Woman Shocked After Waking Up With A Drunk Channing Tatum In Her Bed

California Woman Shocked After Waking Up With A Drunk Channing Tatum In Her Bed

HOLLYWOOD, California

It’s happened to all of us. After a night of alcohol and debauchery, we face the next day with terrible regrets. At some point, every one of us has woken up next to a drunk Channing Tatum, and that is exactly what happened to Mary Shelly Wood of California.

“I knew I had a bit too much to drink, but I didn’t realize it was that bad,” she mumbled to a close friend through the haze of a harsh hangover. “This has never happened to me. I mean, I’ve woken up next to hunky men before, but usually I remember how they got there.”

Although Wood acknowledges having had sexual fantasies of the Magic Mike star, this situation was something she’d never had in mind.

“I’ve been warned by so many friends that I don’t want to end up like they did – in bed with the totally wasted man of my dreams. But I was naive. I thought that sort of thing couldn’t happen to me.”

Mary’s sister Lucy says her sibling has a lot to learn.

“Of course, she’s going through what all of us have been through,” said Lucy. “She’ll carry her regrets throughout the day, mingled with the hope that Channing will decide that she’s “the one” and make her the happiest girl in the world. Then, at some point over the next week, he’ll wake up, put on his underwear, make himself breakfast and walk through the door, never to return. I’ve been there. We all have, and I realize now that it’s time to warn our little brother, Jeff.”

Trainee journalist, Michael Mahone, adorably thought he could get a statement out of the 21 Jump Street actor. He too experienced the same terrible regrets we all have – of finding ourselves interviewing a grunting, unconscious Channing Tatum in someone else’s bed.

NBA Star Blake Griffin Pulls Drunk Driver From Moving Car

LOS ANGELES, California – NBA Star Blake Griffin Pulls Drunk Driver From Moving Car

LA Clippers superstar Blake Griffin is being called a hero today by basketball fans, drivers, pedestrians and members of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), after he was spotted pulling an apparently drunk driver from a moving vehicle in downtown Los Angeles.

“I was stuck in traffic, as usual,” said Griffin to local reporters who had gathered at his home, “and I noticed one car was moving. That caught my eye because the rest of us weren’t moving. I knew something was wrong.”

Wasting no time and demonstrating the quick response and agility that has made him one of the best players in the history of the NBA, the 6′ 10″ Griffin immediately sprang into action.

Leaping from the Kia sedan he had previously jumped over in 2011 to win the annual slam dunk contest, he pulled intoxicated driver Raymond Milland from his vehicle and immediately engaged the parking brake, bringing Milland’s car to a complete standstill to the cheers of hundreds of stranded drivers.

“It was a parking lot out there and I don’t deserve being called a hero,” said Griffin. “Anyone would have done the same, and I’d like to think if I was stuck in a moving car in LA, someone would do the same for me.”

Griffin attributes the incident to being in the right place at the right time. “I was open, I took the shot, it went in, no harm, no foul,” said the power forward. “I first knew something was wrong because my kneecap started tingling.” Griffin was referring to his left kneecap, which he broke during a pre-season game in 2009, causing him to miss the entire season.

“My kneecap’s kind of like my ‘spidey-sense.’ I can always tell when something’s wrong or it’s about to rain. We’re in a drought here in LA, so I figured something was wrong. The poor guy said he had been drinking all weekend and he looked kind of lost. I hope he gets the help he needs.”

Griffin returned to his car after police arrived. Milland was arrested and charged with DUI.

Congress Pushes For Ban On Alcohol Consumption On New Year’s Eve

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  alcohol ban

If you were looking to hit your favorite local hotspot for a drink or two on New Year’s Eve, it’s very possible that you might have to change your plans.

In an effort to curb drunk driving accidents and deaths, which are higher on New Year’s Even and early New Year’s Day than at any other point in the year, the United States Congress is seeking to pass a law that would outlaw the public consumption of alcohol on those two days of the year.

“No one is saying that you can’t have private parties, and that you can’t drink at home and have a celebration,” said Congressman George Flint (R-GA), who is spearheading the bill. “There is nothing wrong with a glass of champagne and a toast to the new year. There is, however, something wrong with the thousands upon thousands of violent car crashes and the hundreds of preventable deaths that happen every year on New Year’s Eve as a result of excessive alcohol consumption.”

Flint says that he is finding support among other members of congress, who also see the dangers in allowing heavy alcohol consumption leading into the new year.

“We are fighting hard to save lives,” said Flint. “It is for the protection of the people – it is for your own good – that we enact a law like this to prevent the senseless loss of life.”

According to inside reports, the law has a very good chance of passing, although there is concern that people may still drive drunk when leaving their homes, or leaving a friend’s home, after a party.

“If we can even stop one person from being killed who would have been driving home while annihilated drunk from their local bar, then this law will have succeeded,” said Flint. “We know what is best for everyone, and we will do what we can to protect the people from themselves.”

“If I didn’t fear some sort of cruel, government retaliation, I’d tell them to go straight to hell with this bullshit law,” said bar owner Joe Goldsmith, of Phoenix, Arizona. “Maybe I’ll just close the bar for the night, and have it be for a ‘private party’ or something. If people want to drink, I’ll damn sure find a way to make it happen.”

 

Town Legalizes Drunk Driving In Effort To Curb Population Growth

WADDERTON, Kentucky – Town Legalizes Drunk Driving In Efforts To Create Curb Population Growth

Wadderton recently passed a reform that eliminates the below .08 blood alcohol level requirement for motorists that decide to partake in alcoholic beverages prior to getting behind the wheel. The town says the reason for the change is a simple one, and something they believe is very important – population control.

Rick Wheeler, the mayor of Wadderton, explained the reform to a Louisville news affiliate. “We are a simple town, full of simple folks; our population has been under 4,000 for several decades. It’s fair to say we have not seen a population over 4,000 since the great town of Wadderton was established in the eighteen hundreds.”

Wheeler, who has been the mayor of Wadderton for 14 years, went on to explain, “Wadderton’s population has exploded throughout 2014. We starting seeing the growth towards the beginning of the year, when folks from the big cities within Kentucky started moving to Wadderton to escape the state’s mounting real-estate market. “

According to the mayor the small town initially welcomed the new residents however quickly decided they were unwelcome. Wheeler said “We are good folks and were brought up to be welcoming to strangers; however these city slickers had no respect for the way of life around here.” The mayor claims that the new residents looked down upon the existing citizens and attempted to make “big changes” including opening a Starbucks and building a cell phone tower.

Mayor Wheeler explains how the new reform ties into Wadderton’s population boom, “We have tried everything, we spent a few weeks trying to play nice, we spent months giving them a small town cold shoulder, we even tried to run them out of town by refusing them service at local diner, dry cleaner, and post office, nothing worked on these city slickers!”

According to Wheeler, after the town exhausted all of their outlets they had to get creative, and knew they had to make some changes. “We finally realized if we couldn’t get them city slickers to leave willingly, our only option was to change how we did everything. This is just another version of population control. These big city folks like to wet their whistle just as much as we do, maybe even more, and we are hoping that all of the lethal car accidents caused by our legalizing drunk driving will put a large dent in the town’s growing numbers.”

When asked about the potential impact this reform will have on Wadderton’s legacy population, Mayor Wheeler responded, “Of course we will lose some of our best citizens in these fiery accidents, however at this point it’s just part of doing business.”

Though the majority of the U.S. is frowning upon the reform, it’s been said that several other small towns are going to be playing close attention to the outcome in order to see how it could possibly work for them.

Vice President Joe Biden Spotted Wandering Drunk Through D.C. Suburbs

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Vice President Joe Biden Spotted Wandering Drunk Through D.C. Suburbs

Vice President Joe Biden was spotted visibly drunk in several places over the weekend, with several people even getting pictures or videos of his antics, posting them to Instagram and Facebook. One such image even shows Biden urinating on a McDonalds’ storefront in Silver Spring, Maryland.

Mychal Lewis, Assistant Manager of the McDonalds, explains that the VP was acting belligerent before leaving and eventually disgracing the restaurant.

“He demanded a Whopper. He was slurring his words pretty heavy and kept saying something like ‘I’m the goddamn Vice President.'” said Lewis. “I tried telling him he was in the wrong place and there’s a Burger King just a couple blocks down, but he wouldn’t listen. Finally he left and I turned to go back to the kitchen. I hear a knock at the window and there he is again, this time with his pants around his ankles, pissing on the wall outside. He was staring at me and smiling the whole time. It was terrible.”

Later that same evening, Biden was videotaped in Bethesda attempting to start a fight with a homeless man. In the video, Biden can be heard declaring himself the “Secretary of Kickin’ Ass” before slapping the vagrant in the back of the head. The two exchange a series of awkward punches before Biden toppled over and the homeless man shuffled away.

The next morning in Arlington, Virginia, the owner of a house that is painted white was alarmed when Biden stumbled in through the back door. The home owner threatened to call the police, but the Vice President talked him out of it. They shared a pot of coffee and Biden left amicably. Apparently, Biden thought he was entering the White House.

“It wasn’t just that it was white. The columns threw him off,” said the home owner, who wished to remain anonymous because he is a ‘die-hard republican.’

The Vice President frequently referred to himself in the third person as “Ol’ Joe” when discussing his drunken adventure.

“Yeah, Ol’ Joe got a little frisky last night. Does that make me a bad person? Can’t a guy have some fun? So I got a little carried away. We were all having fun. It ain’t easy being Ol’ Joe. Barry’s always trying to put me in a box. Please don’t say this, please don’t do that. Well, sometimes Ol’ Joe just got to be Ol’ Joe.”

Political analysts believe that rather than try to prevent future gaffes from Biden, the current administration will instead encourage more raucous behavior from the VP in an attempt to distract from the VA scandal, a perceived-to-be tepid foreign policy, and any future controversy.

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