New Jeresey Teenager Hospitalized With Facebook Withdrawals

CAMDEN, New Jersey –

Nancy Thompson, 15, was hospitalized today for severe withdrawal symptoms caused by her parents taking away her computer, cell phone, and her Facebook privileges. Thompson, who was being punished for a poor grade in math, was taken to the emergency room at Camden-South Medical Center after her parents found her in bed with cold sweats, thumb twitches, and general zombie-like behavior.

“I was terrified, we both were.” Said Marge Thompson, Nancy’s mother. “I heard noises and murmuring upstairs. I went to Nancy’s room, and she was rocking back-and-forth on her bead, mumbling “Like. Like. Comment. Like. Share,” and her thumbs were twitching in a texting motion involuntarily. We called 9-1-1 immediately.”

Ambulances were at the Thompson house in minutes, with paramedics prepared for the worst.

“We arrived, and Nancy was still trembling. It’s a scene I’ve bared witness to many times lately. The ‘Social-Media Shakes’, that’s what we call them.” Said Glen Lantz, one of the paramedics on the scene. “We were loading her into the ambulance, and that was when I saw the look she had. Nancy had a pretty standard resting bitch face, but then I saw her lips starting to curl back and one arm started to rise above her head. I recognized the selfie-signs instantly, and immediately sedated her before any of us had to see her morph into duck face mode.”

Parents today are more and more often using social media restrictions as punishments for their children and teenagers. As evident in Nancy’s case, it is not always the best solution. Rod Lane, a professional child psychiatrist, says that teens and young adults need their social networks more than ever, and taking them away can have serious adverse effects, much the same as with drug and alcohol addiction.

“I know that when your teen does something wrong, telling them they can’t get on Facebook is the quickest thing to come to your head. I implore all parents, please don’t do this.” Said Lane. “Your child needs to be weened off their social media, like a heroin abuser who goes to a methadone clinic. Just like with “true” drugs, your child can become violent and hostile, or conversely, they can become completely withdrawn and depressed, all because social media is removed from their lives too quickly.”

Nancy’s father, Donald Thompson, says that the first thing he did when Nancy awoke in the hospital was give her back her 32GB gold iPhone 5 so she could get online.

“I never want to have to go through something like this again. I swear I will never take away her Facebook privileges as long as I live. My baby girl can take all the half-nude, fake tanned, stupid-ass duck face pictures she wants. I’ll even ‘like’ them all myself!”

Nancy responded by saying it would be a “cold day in hell” before she added her dad on Facebook. She also updated her status on Facebook to “Prnts are soooo f-ing lame. hospitul food sucks. some1 bring me an f-ing Pinkberry like NOW!” It immediately received ‘Likes’ from 143 of Nancy’s 2,486 friends.

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

You may want to drop that cellphone next time you are having a great hair day and looking for some ‘likes’ on Facebook. A recent study has been conducted, with results showing that people who take excessive selfies are more likely to suffer from seizures.

Dr. Corey Brad explained how something as simple as taking a picture of ones self can be so dangerous.

“Well, as crazy as it may sound, it is completely true. The thing that sets apart selfies from any other picture is the fact that most people taking them take up to one hundred photos of themselves at one time to find the perfect picture,” said Dr. Brad. “That large amount of staring into the screen and light can cause a person at any age to have a seizure. On top of that, you are twice as likely to take one with the flash on. As we’ve always known, flashing lights can cause seizures, but we never thought that some day so many people would be repeatedly flashing lights at themselves, either.”

There have been over 2,000 cases of young adults having seizures so far this year, and this study may have found the answer to why this is happening.

There are a few signs that you’re close to the ‘danger zone’ of a seizure when taking pictures, the biggest is about ‘Duck Face.’

“One tip is to know that the typical ‘Duck Face’ that is commonly seen in pictures is a sign of an impending seizure. While most people don’t even realize they are doing it, selfies can cause a neuron to literally burn out in your brain, causing you to make the face when taking a picture,” said Dr. Brad. “If you see someone making a duck face in a selfie, by all means, slap that phone to the ground. It may save their life.”