World Health Organization Admits Over 50,000 People Accidentally Injected with Ebola Virus Instead of Flu Vaccine

Posted on August 31, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Over 50,000 people throughout the United States are on high alert this week after flu vaccines were contaminated with the Ebola virus and accidentally sent out to clinics throughout the country.

Recipients had lined up for flu vaccinations in 10 different states across the country, including California, Nevada, Arizona, Texas, Georgia, Florida, Michigan, New York, Minnesota, and Illinois.

According to a report filed at the World Health Organization, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) accidentally exchanged the synthetic flu vaccine for vials that contained an experimental compound of the Ebola virus. This compound contaminated nearly 50,000 doses of various vaccines, most of which were sent across the country to be used in low income clinics.

These vaccines were distributed throughout August of 2017, although the NIAID says they are not 100% sure which clinics received the “infected” doses, and that at this point in time, it’s entirely likely that all of them have been used and given to patients.

The WHO has been reaching out to people that have possibly been infected, demanding mandatory quarantines at local FEMA camps. However, the WHO has been unavailable for comment. No specific treatment is available for Ebola infections, and the case fatality rate ranges from 80% to 100%, depending on the virus subtype.

Ebola Virus Making U.S. Resurgence As Virus Spreads Through Tainted Cat Feces

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

The U.S. may be finding itself back in the face of a massive Ebola pandemic. The dreaded disease has found another way into your home, putting cat owners and their families at the most risk.

Makers of bottom shelf cat food, like Special Cat and Furry Friend brands, have long been using the remains of sick Africans to add crude protein and filler to their cat food. While their representatives insist they use the highest quality, disease free remains, at least one person in the U.S. has already been affected from coming into contact with their household cat’s poop.

Jim Reynolds, 29, of Charlotte, North Carolina, is the first confirmed case of cat-contracted Ebola in the United States. “I always bought cheap canned cat food for my cats. Not because I don’t love them, but I figured it didn’t matter. They eat their own shit sometimes, so I figured a can of cat food is a can of cat food. Never thought I’d end up in quarantine. Not even a good TV to watch the game on in here. This sucks a fat one.”

Jim’s neighbor, Jenny Newport, says the increasing fear of cats has caused much tension in her neighborhood. “We’ve got a neighborhood watch for cats now. Everyone’s afraid of cats crapping in their back yards. Personally I like that our town was rat and rodent free from all the feral cats, but for now keep your cats well fed on a high-end food diet, and keep their shit-asses inside for God’s sake! I’m not catching Ebola cause you’re to cheap to spring an extra damn dollar for Friskees.”

Wal-Mart has already begun pulling Special Cat brands, as well as several other ‘dollar brand’ cat foods from their shelves, and millions more cans are expected to be recalled nationwide.

Pregnant women and children are urged to stay away from cat litter and sandboxes, due to an increased risk of exposure to the virus. Cat owners should buy dry food for their cats, and take special precautions when changing litter boxes or handing feces from cats who ate any cheap cat food in the last thirty days.

Government, Health Department Says Ebola Turns Earthworms Into Real Life ‘Tremors’

Posted on November 23, 2014 by Chip

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

An emergency press release was conducted by the Health Department warning all government officials to refrain from burying the bodies of future Ebola victims. According to Health Department Spokesperson Elliot Tevere, though the effects of Ebola on earthworms is unknown, the Health Department has reason to believe that the Ebola virus is capable of turning even the smallest earthworm into an enormous worm, or Tremor.

According to Trevere, the Health Department has compiled mountains of compelling data in support of their theory, however at this time are not willing to share the data with the public.

“We are not at liberty to share the results of our findings; however top scientists have been working feverishly in the lab. They have been conducting high level tests,” said Trevere. “The general public is just not ready to know the details surrounding the tests.”

The word Tremor stems from a popular movie franchise in which small towns are infiltrated by enormous worm-like monsters that live underground. The first feature in the 4 movie franchise was entitled Tremors, and was released in 1990.

An anchor from a local Los Angeles FOX affiliate station had the opportunity to sit down with original Tremors cast member Kevin Bacon, and asked him the likelihood of the Ebola Virus morphing earthworms to creatures similar to those found in his hit 1990 movie. Kevin responded to the question by saying “Your question in itself is absurd, are you really asking me if I believe the Ebola virus can create monsters similar to those featured in a pretend movie? C’mon.”

Actor Michael Gross, who unlike Bacon has starred in all 4 Tremors movies and is slated to play a role in Tremors 5, scheduled for release in 2016, shared a different opinion on the matter when he sat down with a MSNBC representative earlier this afternoon.

When Gross was asked a similar question regarding the likelihood of the Ebola virus causing earthworms to morph into Tremor like monsters he responded by saying “Oh, absolutely! I have no doubt the Health Department’s claims hold their weight in gold. Look, I have completed extensive research, and have enough hands-on experience with shooting 4, almost 5, of these Tremor movies to tell you that this is exactly how these things start.”

Gross concluded the interview by saying, “Our saving grace is that technologically our society is far more equipped to handle these motherhumpers than we were in 1990.”

Secret CDC Memos Reveal Strain of Ebola Virus Has Gone ‘Airborne’

Posted on October 17, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The threat of the Ebola virus has gripped the country over the last several weeks, spreading across social media and internet news sites faster than the actual virus, but the one topic that concerned people the most is the idea that Ebola, which is normally contracted through contaminated bodily fluids, had become an airborne disease, similar to the way the common cold and influenza viruses are spread.

Even now, the Center for Disease Control in Washington says that Ebola has not gone airborne, and that you are not likely to get it if you just follow normal health precautions; washing your hands after using the bathroom, washing fruits and vegetables before eating, saying your nightly prayers, and not licking the open sores of Ebola patients or dead.

All of that is ‘hogwash,’ though, according to a CDC insider who has obtained memos from high-ranking officials within the organization. He says that Ebola has mutated itself into an airborne disease, and that a worldwide pandemic is already underway.

“You’ve seen the news already about the government purchasing disposable coffins. Did you think that was a joke?” Said the CDC insider, who spoke to us anonymously. “Ebola is one of the deadliest diseases you can catch. Sure, only 2 people in the United States have it right now. Sure, it’s only killed about 5,000 people since 1976, compared to the almost 36,000 people who die of the flu every year. And sure, it’s hard to contract right now – but soon it won’t be.”

The anonymous source says that he obtained confidential memos that state that there is a strain of Ebola that the CDC is trying to hide, and that the viral nature of the new disease has already caused it to spread quickly.

“The standard Ebola is called EBOV, from its own genus, ebolavirus. The new strain is being referred to as EBON, from the genus ebolanet, stemming from the fact that Ebola has gone ‘airborne’ across the internet and social media, almost inciting a mass panic. Truth of the matter is, the odds of anyone in a first-world country with modern health technologies, like the United States, contracting the actual Ebola virus are near zero, but catching this new, panic-inducing media strain is almost a 100% certainty.”

The insider says that the best ways to avoid contracting this violent new strain of Ebola are to ‘ignore hype,’ ‘do your own research,’ and ‘stop believing everything you see on the internet.’

Pres. Obama Orders Millions Of ‘Disposable Coffins’ In Anticipation of Ebola Deaths

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Despite claims from the CDC and other health organizations that the American people are safe from being infected with the very-deadly Ebola virus, President Obama has been secretly stock-piling over $65 million dollars worth of ‘disposable coffins,’ or plastic bins in which people can be contained and buried in the wake of an Ebola epidemic.

The coffins, which were discovered by a pilot in Madison, Georgia, are estimated to be numbered in the millions, a scary thought for a country already panicked by the idea of a deadly virus in their midst.

“I was out flying one day, and I happened over into Madison, just sight-seeing,” said Joseph Goldsmith. “I live in Covington, not too far away from Madison. Over there we got the Vantage Products company, and they already make heavy-duty casket liners for folks who are worried about being eaten alive once they’re dead, for some reason. Anyway, I happened to notice a handful of Vantage trucks pulling into a giant, gated area while I was flying over Madison. There were hundreds of thousands of large, plastic coffins. I turned around and flew the hell home fast. It was unnerving.”

An employee for Vantage Products, who asked not to be named, said that it was true that a large order of pre-fabricated plastic coffins, normally used as liners but specially designed to be used to hold actual remains, had come from someone at the White House.

“The President himself doesn’t sign the check, of course,” said the anonymous employee. “But I can tell you that the order is large, in the millions of dollars and in the tens of millions of actual product. They are preparing for an epidemic of monstrous proportions. It’s clear to me that they know something we don’t.”

Representatives from the White House refused to comment. Health officials from the Center For Disease Control maintain there is nothing to worry about, and that Ebola, although deadly, is very difficult to contract, and it has not, as some conspiracy theorists believe, become an airborne illness.

CBS Orders New Reality Show; ‘Survivor: Ebola’ To Air Early 2015

Posted on October 3, 2014 by Andrew Husband

DALLAS, Texas –

Ahead of a press conference scheduled for next week, CBS Television today announced a half-season order of the hit show Survivor, this time to take place in the United States, and being released as Survivor: Ebola. Jeff Probst, host of the Survivor series since its original premiere in 2000, will return after completing experimental treatments at an Atlanta hospital. As it has in the past, CBS generally orders half-seasons of its successful reality television offerings instead of full ones. That way, the network can better organize its fall, spring, and summer schedules.

The order comes as no surprise to industry experts, but the change of location does. “No season of Survivor has ever been shot stateside,” notes critic Tevi Guyd. “And with the new iterations enhanced sense of danger, it’s a bold move by the network and the production company to move to a local location, especially Texas.” Filming has already been underway for sometime in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, including recently publicized location shoots at a Dallas hospital.

When the fall television season gets underway, the major networks program new shows and axe old ones almost as fast as an apocalyptic contagion. “Good thing the new series spread as quickly as it did last year,” says executive producer Mark Burnett. “Within mere days, our Nielsen ratings went through the roof! It was as if you’d stuck a thermometer in someone’s mouth, and they had a fever, and the mercury broke the glass. Like in one of the old cartoons.”

“Our numbers were higher than they’d ever been in the last ten years,” says Probst from behind a CDC quarantine in Dallas. “We were worried that, with ratings plummeting and advertisers bailing on us, we were dead in the water. We weren’t sure if the show had run its course, or if audiences had become immune to us. All this recent success is due to Mark’s ingenuity.”

“He’s being too nice,” says Burnett. “Jeff is a hell of a guy, and a world-class reality show host. I can’t think of anyone else we’d rather risk sacrificing to this new Ebola epidemic than him.” All gesturing aside, Survivor: Ebola owes its infectious popularity to Burnett’s quick thinking. Inspired by local news report from Guinea in late 2013, the television mogul sent a crew to scout the west African country for leads. When all except one of the party’s members made it back to New York unscathed by the trip and was cleared by the CDC, Burnett knew he had a hit in the making. “I simply did what anyone else in my profession would do,” he finally admits. “I pounced.” And pounce he did.

Like its predecessors, Survivor: Ebola pits 16 contestants against each other in a two-tribe format, and against one another in a “survival of the fittest” mentality. Not only will they be fighting against one another and the threat of infection, but they will also be dealing with their ill-conceived notions of Ebola. The only contestant to have any medical experience is Dr. Casey Schuler of Houston, Texas.

“I can’t believe all the action happening for this season we’re shooting now,” Probst says. “Fans of both Survivor and the Ebola virus itself are going to be getting a special treat come next year!”

Survivor: Ebola is set to air in January on CBS.