Maine Becomes the First State to Legalize Ecstasy

ecstasy

AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine has been in the news all year for legalizing marijuana for recreational use, and apparently legalizing weed was only the beginning. Following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalization, some might be surprised to hear that Maine state legislature has decided to legalize the popular street drug Ecstasy. Recreational use of will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Paul LePage stated.

The state is still working out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements. While LePage says the vote was popular among a lot of people in the state, his decision came as a shock for many Mainers. Governor LePage did not comment on whether or not he partakes in the drug himself.

“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing ecstasy, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, it will also open up a whole new job market,” LePage explains. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

Some of the most outspoken opponents, however, have been current drug dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chose to remain anonymous, told Empire News. “We don’t want regulated. We’re killing it stacking paper right now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Despite the negative press, experts estimate this legalization will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

“If they want people to not buy drugs legally, then for crying out loud they should shut down every Starbucks in the United States,”said LePage. “Marijuana, ecstasy, crack…hell, what’s the difference? The revenue the state will bring in, it’s astronomical. Health is one thing, but we’re talking about money here.”

House That Normally Gives Drugs On Halloween Disappoints Families By Only Giving Candy

ATLANTA, Georgia –

You always hear about it on the news, but you never knew where it was. As it turns out, the answer to the question of “where is that house that always gives drugs to kids on Halloween?” is: Atlanta, Georgia. Except, not anymore. The one house in the nation that always could be counted on to give hardcore, expensive, mind-altering drugs to you children has decided that they need to clean up their act.

“We normally give really cool ecstasy tabs or MDMA pills or, really, whatever we have on hand,” said the homeowner, who would rather not be named publicly. “We have had kids, and parents, of course, lining up around the block before. We’re all about giving back to the community, but we really couldn’t afford it this year. It normally runs us about a quarter of a million to hand that stuff out on Halloween, and with the cost of living increases, Obamacare premiums, and gas prices, we just can’t handle it.”

The owners have said that they plan to just give candy this year, but to appease some angry kids and their uptight parents, they have decided they will give full-sized chocolate bars, and not minis.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.