A Riot In Nursing Home Leaves Dozens With Broken Hips, Police Are Still Investigating

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

Complete chaos erupted at Shady Creek Assisted Living and Retirement Home community in Detroit, Michigan when a scheduled outing to Dunkin’ Donuts was canceled with no explanation. Elderly people living in that community start a riot in the center with canes and walkers, while one elderly resident was swinging his life alert necklace in the air, cutting a nurse in the face inside the facility. One couple, who managed to get outside of the facility, were caught spray painting “Fuck The Cops” outside one of the windows.

“It was complete madness, I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Nancy Reeder, head nurse. “Mr. Norman came up behind me, grabbed my arm and bit down with his teeth. As he pulled away, his dentures locked onto my skin leaving him in shock and without any teeth. That’s when I kicked him behind the knee, and he fell to the ground where I was able to restrain him.”

The incident began last week in a previous Dunkin’ Donuts outing that left 10 of the elderly residents with stomach cramps and diarrhea.

“It was an awful mess we had to clean up,” said Reeder. “Their aging stomachs can’t really handle all of that sugar. So we decided to cancel all future outings. Apparently, not all of them were in agreement.”

In all, 29 people were injured. Out of the 29, 18 were residents of Shady Creek, 5 were nurses, and 6 visitors who were caught in the chaos. None of the injuries were life-threatening – just a few broken hips, bruises, and scratches.

Elderly Woman, 94, Gives Birth To Healthy Baby Girl

Woman, 94, Gives Birth To Healthy Baby Girl

BURNSVILLE, West Virginia – 

94-year-old Margaret Holmwood from Burnsville, West Virginia gave a birth to a healthy baby girl yesterday morning, and both mother and baby are reportedly doing fine. The baby, named Mary, weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces.

Margaret Holmwood already has two previous children. Her first, Jeremy Halmwood, is now 62 years old, and her daughter, Jennifer, is 71. Reporters reached out to Jeremy to discuss how he felt about having a new sibling who is over 60 years younger than he is.

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“Well, it’s a little bit strange, I admit, but my mother has always been an unconventional woman. She divorced my father and married a man 48 years younger her junior,” said Jeremy Halmwood. “Three years ago, she climbed Mount Everest. She dances cha-cha at at a local dance studio every other day. I’m not so very surprised. At least my grandchildren will have some company to play with.”

Doctors from St. Mary’s Medical Center are impressed with Hollwood’s strength and young spirit. “Mrs. Holmwood has lived a very healthy lifestyle. Even though she is 94, she has the body of a 40-year-old. The birth was simple, we encountered no difficulties. It’s incredible,” says Dr. Patrick Collins.

Holmwood is interested in Eastern philosophy. She practices yoga and tai chi, eats only organic vegetables and lots of rice. She claims this is the way to stay young and fit for many, many years. “In my free time, I dance, climb, cook vegan delights. I don’t sit in front of TV with a bag of chips. I feel full of energy, and I am ready to raise Mary now,” says Margaret. “They will certainly keep me young. I only hope these ol’ teats will still deliver. God knows that no baby likes powdered milk!”

According to the doctors, Holmwood is a proof that people could live longer and age slower.

“She’s a miracle of modern health and science,” said Dr. Collins. “I only hope that when I’m 94, I’m half as energetic as Margaret.”

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