EPA, President Obama Seek To Outlaw Gasoline, Diesel Engines In Automobiles

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

For over a century, Americans have been getting from place to place by relying on crude oil and fossil fuels. You might say that it is a part of our culture; gas guzzling hot rods and slicked back hair have given way to gas guzzling Hummers and slicked back hair. But now, a new emergency legislation, penned by a group of up-and-comers at the EPA, will make gasoline engines a thing of the past.

EPA Special Studies Chairman, Akiko Kim, explained the need for the new law in a largely ignored Congressional Hearing back in October of this year.

“You have all these midlife crisis Corvettes, and these Over-Testosteroned off-road trucks out there, just belching carbon into the air. These people are Mongoloids. They are killing their own children and they don’t even care,” said Kim. “There is no accountability. I wish we could put them all in FEMA camps. Sadly, we can’t, so the next best thing should be done, and that is to take away their toys in an attempt to destroy the life they lead.”

The law would see all cars that do not pass emissions tests (including classics, which have been exempt up to this point) impounded if they are operated on public property. This new ruling would start in July 2015, the start of the government’s fiscal calendar. The auto industry would also be banned from releasing any further gasoline models.

Kim thinks it is a good start. ”These rich guys just cruising around in their classic gas guzzlers are gonna get a wake up call. And these automakers who have been killing us for years will find themselves out of business if they do not adapt. Electric and alternative-fuel vehicles are the way of the future, and they should rapidly become the way of the present, too.”

“I don’t care ’bout them fuckin’ tree huggers,” said long-time diesel enthusiast Joe Lee Roberts. “I’ll roll coal on the EPA lawn, and if they don’t like it, we can schedule a second amendment meeting.”

President Obama, who is known to be an avid supporter of all things environmentally friendly, is expected to sign the bill into law after the Christmas holiday break.

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida –

Die hard NASCAR fans are not going to happy with a new eco-friendly law that is circulating in congress. The new law, House Act E.205, states that any car being used for entertainment purposes would have to be electrical. This means that NASCAR, monster trucks, demolition derbies, and others, would all have to switch to electric vehicles.

The NASCAR organization has taken steps over the last several years into researching and building their own electric cars, which would make them set and ready to race eco-friendly if the law passes. Regardless of the law and its outcome, though, NASCAR insiders say it’s very possible that fans could start seeing all-electric, eco-friendly cars being raced, at least in minor circuits.

“It’s fun to see cars that go 200 mph around a track in a circle for hours and hours, but that takes a lot of fuel,” said NASCAR pit-crew leader Joe Goldsmith. “The new electric cars, they’ll be going maybe 60 to 75 mph, so the thrill won’t be there, but we’ll be saving the environment, and that’s a wonderful thing, or at least that’s what they’re telling me to say.”

NASCAR fans are naturally outraged by the news or such a major impending change to their beloved sport, and many have been taking to social media, leaving heated comments on the NASCAR Facebook and Twitter pages.

“This is America! We like to waste as many natural resources as possible for the good of entertainment!” Posted Aaron Silver, of Atlanta, to the NASCAR Facebook page. “Next you’ll be telling me what I can and can’t eat during the races. F— that, I’ll eat all the damn Doritos I want, and ya’ll won’t stop me!”

“It’s shifting gears, and drinking beers! Not pushing a button, and hoping for something,” said Jeff Lorde, of Topeka. His comment on the NASCAR Twitter page had over 600 retweets.

NASCAR representatives say that even if the changes are inevitable, the sport would not suffer entirely.

“In the end we’ll still be serving beer at all our events, so whether the cars race at 70 mph or at 200 mph, you’ll still be able to get just as drunk as always,” said Goldsmith. “If that isn’t what racing is all about, then I don’t know what is.”