Death Row Inmate Survives Execution; Released From Prison

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DICKSON, Tennessee –

A Tennessee death row inmate has been released from prison today after two attempts to execute him have failed. Peter Farmington was convicted of 3 counts of murder in the first degree when he pled guilty to murdering his wife and their two young children in March of 2006.

The prison warden, Joseph Goldsmith, called Farmington’s survival “a divine intervention.”

“We have two methods of execution in the state of Tennessee.” said Goldsmith. “It is has always been our tradition to let the inmate choose how they want to go. Mr. Farmington is the first person to try their hand at both options. We are taking it as a sign from God that this man is just not meant to die.”

Farmington had his first execution scheduled in late 2013 via lethal injection. At that time, his body did not react to the sodium thiopental, which is the first in a series of three drugs given to someone being executed. Sodium thiopental is designed to render a person unconscious before they inject bromide, which causes paralysis, and finally potassium chloride, which induces cardiac arrest.

Dr. Robert Liston was the medical examiner on staff for the state prison during Farmington’s first execution.

“I have never seen anything like it in all my years as a medical doctor.” Said Liston. “Sodium thiopental is not something someone can generally be ‘immune’ to, but Farmington’s body did not react. The drug should have hit him within 30 seconds. We waited over ten minutes, then dosed him again. Nothing.”

Doctors and prison staff had no choice but to postpone the execution, and the governor granted temporary reprieve for Farmington, giving him another six months on death row, while he awaited his second execution date.

Last week, the prison again tried to execute Farmington, this time via electric chair.

“Farmington chose to not go through lethal injection a second time, and opted for electrocution.” Said Goldsmith. “We hadn’t fired up ol’ sparky since 2007, but it was his choice and we honored it.”

Prison officials were stunned when, for a second time, Farmington was spared death, this time when the electric chair failed to operate.

“We threw those switches, and on the third flip, you’re supposed to see sparks fly, but we saw nothing.” Said Goldsmith. “We got Farmington out of the chair, hooked everything back up, fired it up, and it worked like a charm. We didn’t even try putting him back in again.”

Per federal law, Farmington was immediately released from prison, as any inmate who survives his execution twice is automatically allowed a full pardon.

“We wish Farmington all the best in his new life outside prison walls.” Said Governor Bill Haslam as he signed Farmington’s release forms. “This man may be a bloodthirsty, violent individual, but some higher power has given him a second chance at life. We certainly hope he uses it for something better this time around.”

Attorneys for Farmington could not be reached for comment.

Man Electrocuted, Dies While Smoking E-Cigarette

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Michael Del, a 34 year old construction worker from Boston, Massachusetts, was killed early last Wednesday as the e-cigarette he was smoking sent a jolt of electricity through his body, knocking him unconscious. Del, who was on a lunch break while working an overnight on job site in Cambridge, had reportedly been using the e-cigarettes to help quit smoking, a habit he had for nearly 20 years. He was rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital where doctors were unable to revive him. They pronounced him dead at 7:18AM.

“Michael started smoking really young. It was my fault. I smoked around him all the time, and left cigarettes laying around,” Said Charmaine Del, Michael’s mother. “He had decided he wanted to quit. We both did, and we heard the e-cigs were a good way to help. So I bought us both one to get started. He’d only been using it for about a week.”

Reports from the hospital were that Del had been using his e-cigarette while it was plugged into his truck, charging. E-cigarettets are small, pen-sized items that contain internal batteries, and smokers can add nicotine-infused flavor ‘cartridges’ into them. Just like a cell phone, the batteries can be charged, and most e-cigarettes come with USB charger similar to that of a phone.

The instructions for most e-cigarettes that have chargers insist that you do not try to use them while charging, but like most men Del apparently skipped the directions and opted to just try and figure out how they worked using trial-and-error. Unfortunately for him, the warnings posted on the package for this product were extremely important.

A representative for Black, INC., the manufacturer of the e-cigarette Del had purchased, released a statement expressing their condolences.

“We at Black are extremely saddened to learn that one of our products has caused the death of a customer. We are terribly sorry, as these unfortunate events are never easy for anyone. We send or deepest sympathies to his family. As this is the first such death from e-cigarettes though, we’d like to remind people that we’re still doing far better than Big Tobacco, whose death toll is in the millions.”

E-cigarettes have been a continued source of controversy since they first launched only a few short years ago, and the debate about their safety in comparison to a traditional cigarette has caused a stir in the medical community. This is the first death caused by e-cigarettes since their widespread use began in 2003.

Man In Coma After Being Electrocuted By Walmart Self-Checkout Register

Posted on December 13, 2014 by JP

LUBBOCK, Texas –

A man is still in a local Texas hospital early this morning after a bizarre event occurred at a Walmart located in Lubbock. Jason Hart, age 32, was electrocuted while using the self checkout lane, and the incident is raising suspicion as to whether or not the faster route is necessarily the best route for the customer.

Hart was using a self-checkout screen at the Lubbock Walmart when he was severely shocked, thrown several feet back, and knocked unconscious after hitting his head against the floor. Security cameras show the incident occurring at around 11:45pm.

“I came in for my shift and saw a man laying on the ground,” said Keith Evans, an employee at the store. “At first I thought it was some drunk guy passed out, which happens way more than you’d think. Actually, since we are talking about Walmart, it happens probably just as often as you’d think. Anyway, this guy had pissed himself, and he had vomited all over the place, too. It was on all the magazines and candy racks nearby. I tried to wake him up, but when he didn’t budge at my attempts, I called my manager, and she called 911.”

It still is unclear to what caused the screen to malfunction enough to shock Hart, but a small crack in the screen of the register Hart was using was identified by police, and they are consulting a ‘computer expert’ to discover whether such a small issue could be to blame.

“Yeah, I mean, I guess a computer could shock you,” said Joe Goldsmith, a computer expert on the payroll of the Lubbock Police Department. “I don’t know. Who cares? The guy is going to sue the store if he wakes up, anyway. Doesn’t matter if he was shocked, if he had a stroke, or if he tried to have sex with the cash register. In this country, if you’re injured at a place of business, you sue them. ‘Merica.”

Hart is currently in a Lubbock hospital and is still in a coma, but his vital signs are stable according to doctors.

Walmart has yet to make an official statement about the incident, pending legal advice, but a Walmart employee at the store did tape a piece of paper over the cracked screen that says “Out of Order.”