Temporary Tattoos Laced With LSD Found In Indiana Elementary School

Posted on March 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SELLERSBURG, Indiana –

Police say that a packet of temporary tattoos featuring children’s cartoon characters such as Spongebob Squarepants and Dora The Explorer that had been laced with LSD were found in an elementary school in Indiana Friday afternoon.

Police Chief Joel Miller explains that a young girl was taken to the hospital after putting one of the tattoos on in the school bathroom.

“Temporary tattoos usually work by place the image on your skin, and rubbing the back with water,” said Chief Miller. “In the case of these LSD-laced tattoos, as soon as the image is placed face-down on the child’s skin, the drug begins to soak into their system. This little girl was lucky, as she only had it on for a minute before she said she ‘felt funny,’ and was rushed to the ER.”

Police say that they do not know where the drug-laced tattoos came from, and that the young girl says that she simply found a baggy of them in the bathroom.

“At this time, we are investigating the origins of the tattoos, and have temporarily closed the school while we canvas the building for any other drugs or paraphernalia,” said Chief Miller.

New Jersey Elementary School Has Halloween Parties Despite Criticism

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONGFELLOW, New Jersey –

The Longfellow Elementary School in New Jersey is taking some serious criticism from parents and religious groups, after they sent letters home with students indicating that they would have Halloween parties on Friday whether “parents liked it or not.”

“We have a vast array of students here, and not all of them come from families whose religious or conservative views make them boring, brainless, and complete sticks-in-the-mud,” read the letter written by school administrators. “We’ve had Muslims, Christians, and every other religion asking us to NOT have Halloween parties, and we think that is rubbish. Kids will be kids, and we want them to have some fun during the school day. If you don’t like it, keep your kid home.”

The administration is taking some heat for the move, with many parents saying that they don’t want their kid involved in the “Devil worship” that happens on Halloween.

“Most parents are pretty damn stupid, and that’s what this comes down to,” said school principal John Freemont. “Halloween is about fun for kids. It’s not about the Devil. It’s not about witchcraft. For the kids, it’s about some candy and bobbing for apples. These parents who don’t want their kids to celebrate the holiday don’t have to send their kids to school. Of course if they don’t, they will have to come make up that day at the end of the year.”

Freemont says that any parent who has concerns about the holiday are welcome to call his office, where he says he has an answering machine already rigged up.

“It just tells them to kiss my school’s metaphoric ass,” said Freemont. “No one is taking away the fun from my students. Not even their parents.”

Pre-School Child Arrested For Attempted Murder After Sharing His Peanut Butter Sandwich With A Classmate

Posted on January 27, 2015 by JP

MESA, Arizona –

An 8-year-old boy will be facing life behind bars if found guilty of an attempted murder charge. The boy, Bryan Mills, was arrested at his elementary school early Monday afternoon, during a designated snack time. According to his teacher, Bryan shared his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a fellow classmate, who happens to be deathly allergic to peanuts.

The school has a strict no-peanut policy that all students and parents are made aware of at the start of every year, and Bryan happened to have shared his “illegal” sandwich with the wrong boy.

The classmate, Joey Goldsmith, age 7, was taken immediately to a nearby hospital and was last listed as being in critical condition. Joey’s parents, Maureen and Gilbert Goldsmith, are claiming that all his classmates knew their son had a severe allergy, and that Bryan was out to get him.

“My son almost died, right there in that stupid school, because of one of his classmates. I won’t stand watching a potential murderer get any type of special treatment because of his age. I think he was jealous that our son didn’t invite him to his birthday party, and this is why he tried to kill him,” said Maureen Goldsmith.

According to a lawyer for the Goldsmiths, they feel that the Bryan is “crazy,” and will continue to share his lunch with other classmates with serious allergies. “Apparently this isn’t his first time in trouble for sharing food,” said Gilbert Goldsmith. “We also found at that last year, he shared a chocolate bar with a kid who was allergic to cocoa. Thankfully, a teacher caught that potential assault or murder before it could happen.”

Police are now investigating how the peanut butter and jelly sandwich made it into the elementary school with a full ban in effect. Theories range from the child smuggled it into the school, to his parents simply forgetting the rules and packing it for him for lunch.

Elementary School Principal Fired, Arrested For Planning Real-Life ‘Purge’

Posted on December 11, 2014 by Chip

WINTERFLOCK, Pennsylvania –

Principal Douglas Warner has officially been let go from his position at the Boutland Elementary School located in the small town of Winterflock, Pennsylvania. Warner was removed from his position after it was discovered he had been planning a school ‘purge’ modeled after the blockbuster hit movie The Purge, in which one day a year American citizens are able to kill each other without worrying about legal recourse.

It has been reported that Principal Warner has been planning the purge for months, and intended to follow through with the act at the beginning of the new year. Warner said he wanted to wait until 2015 so the parents of any affected children would be able to spend one last Christmas with their kids.

Police questioned Warner about his reasoning behind the school purge, and Warner said it was all about ‘weeding out’ the troublemakers.

“It’s obvious I was just fantasizing at an attempt to help society by weeding out some of the crazy, violent, troubled kids, and of course, the school bullies,” said Warner. “I mean come on, I wasn’t really going to do it, as far as you know…but you have to understand that there are always those certain kids who are just tiny little assholes. If we just get rid of those kids now, then we won’t have to deal with them when they are in tenth grade, bringing their dads handguns to school underneath their trench coats.”

Warner’s purge was uncovered when a fourth grade teacher found a notebook detailing explicit plans of the even, and turned it over to local police. Police reports show that within the notebook Warner had listed his intention of arming all students with make shift weapons the day of the purge.

Though Warner has been let go from his job at Boutland Elementary and was initially arrested, he was eventually released when police said they didn’t have enough evidence of crime to convict. It remains unclear if further legal action will be taken against Warner. In addition, legal sources have said that Warner would be able to get a principal job at a school within a different district without issue, assuming no charges are filed.

Kindergarten Teacher Arrested For Having Sex With Student, Says ‘I Want To Marry Him’

Posted on December 2, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BROKEN ARROW, Oklahoma –

A 27-yr-old kindergarten school teacher was arrested on Monday for allegedly having sex with a student. The teacher, Sara Styles, was released on bail and was quoted as she left the courthouse saying, “I love him, and I want to marry him.” The student’s name was not immediately released due to the circumstances of the incident.

“I love him, and he loves me,” said Styles in an interview with a local Oklahoma newspaper. “He makes me so happy, I want to marry him. I don’t care about the age difference, 20 years from now what will it matter? He has already said he will wait for me if I have to go to jail. We met on the playground after school about two months ago, and it’s been a whirlwind romance ever since. We never had sex on school grounds, so I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“I don’t see this case going anywhere, personally. I mean, I’m pretty sure that the kid knew what he was doing. Plus, Miss Styles is reportedly a very good teacher, I’m sure she showed him some good tricks,” said Police Chief Charles Gordon. “If anything, the kid should get a medal. All the officers were giving him high fives when he came by the police station. I mean shit, did you see Miss Styles? She’s smokin’ hot. I wish I was so lucky when I was a kid. All my teachers were old nuns.”

Superintendent Joel Olsen of the Broken Arrow School District said that Miss Styles met the student in question during an after school field day sponsored by the high school.

“The student Miss Styles is involved with is a 18-year-old senior, who was volunteering during the field day activities. While it’s certainly not illegal for a 25-year-old woman to have sex with a 18-year-old, it is illegal for a teacher to have sex with a student, whether that student is one of her own or not,” said Olsen. “We’re taking the matter very seriously, and Miss Styles has been put on leave with pay, per her union contract.”