Pandas Will Go Extinct Within The Next Few Months, Study Finds

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Researchers at the Washington, D.C. House of Agriculture and Animal Affairs say that they expect Pandas will become extinct within the next few months, probably by June of 2017.

“We actually had no idea that pandas were really that rare, because we see pictures of them online all the time,” said HAAA chairman Joel Bornstein. “We thought they were doing pretty good out in the wild, but apparently not. There’s only a couple left.”

The HAAA says they are trying “really hard” to get a couple of pandas to “do their thing” and make some more panda babies, but they’re having a really hard time.

“We got two of the 17 pandas left in the world, and we have been doing everything to get them to have sexy time, but it’s just not working,” said Bornstein. “We’ve tried calming music, chocolates, wine…we even let them watch porn. Nothing has worked.”

The HAAA says that they hope that they can save the population of pandas before it’s too late, but they don’t hold out much hope.

American Bald Eagles Reconsider Extinction After Touring U.S.

American Bald Eagles Reconsider Extinction After Touring U.S.

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Last month an American Bald Eagle Pride convention was held in Washington, D.C., which then traveled to every U.S. state on a tour of the country. The event, which was supposed to be a celebration and public display of the nation’s longevity, turned sour in just a few days.

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The species, which was previously on the verge of extinction, began to quickly lose morale as they saw the state of the country. By the end of the tour, almost every one of the eagles felt disenchanted with their once beloved homeland. While in captivity, their caretakers reportedly kept them isolated from the outside world by controlling television stations, access to the internet, and even filtering their mail.

One of the oldest eagles commented during a press conference:

“There are no trees. People and animals live in horrible, filthy cities. The air is polluted like hell. Who would want to live here?”

Counseling was provided for each individual Bald Eagle in hopes of stopping the onset of depression. Many reported feelings of shame and anxiety at being icons of such a deteriorated country, and all of them agree that the country has fallen far from its former glory.

“Extinction isn’t looking so bad anymore,” the eagle continued. “Maybe we should have died with America’s dignity.” Other eagles on the tour shared his sentiment.

The U.S. Government plans to implement a specialized intensive therapy group for the country’s mascot, though it may be too late. Some have already done the unthinkable – worse than taking their own life: migrated to Canada, which they hail as having “much higher standards.”

Rare Feline Disease Projected To Kill Millions Of Cats, Experts Fear Extinction

ATLANTA, Georgia – Rare Feline Disease Projected To Kill Millions Of Cats, Experts Fear Extinction

America’s second-favorite pet is in a battle for its life, and looks like it’s losing. Cats, both domestic and feral, have been dying in alarming numbers across the country, and veterinarians working closely with the Center For Disease Control have been seeking to find a cure for this new feline disease.

“We have diagnosed a disease, but cannot control it. It’s spreading at an alarming rate, and we can project death rates into the millions by summer. If your cat has been urinating more than usual, or being extra vocal, it could be the first signs of the disease,” said Alan Anderson spokesman for the CDC. “While a cure would not be impossible to find, we at the CDC quite frankly have better things to focus our energies and research on.”

Anderson said that while the CDC has been looking to find a cure for the disease, they have been also dealing with massive amounts of paperwork leftover from the recent Ebola scare.

“We’re very tired after that whole Ebola thing,” said Anderson. “This new cat disease, known as Feline Urinary Cartilage Abdominal Track Syndrome, or  FUCATS, for short, is easily spread, and it could very well mean an end to cats altogether. But, here at the CDC, our main concern is human diseases and controlling and containing their spread. Possibly dog diseases, too, but certainly not cat diseases.”

“Many in my field feel that FUCATS is a godsend,” said  veterinarian Mark Miller. “I look forward to the day I can go to work without being scratched by those soulless creatures. For felines, FUCATS is a horrible way to die. Their intestines turn into hard cartilage, and it’s very painful. It’s so painful for the cats, it’s almost hard for me to enjoy watching them die, but I manage.”

“It’s horrible. I mean, they could cure it, but they can’t be bothered,” said Margaret McCoy of Duluth, Minnesota, owner of 15 cats. “My babies are all I have. I guess I could get a dog. I always wanted a dog, and I hear one dog equals the love of 15 cats. But, still…I’ve grown attached to these furry little guys, the litter being tracked all over the house, and the smell of ammonia in the air. I hope that FUCATS doesn’t get my little fur-babies!”

 

Poison Ivy To Be Placed on Endangered Species List

CONCORD, New Hampshire  – Botanist Tries To Save Poison Ivy From Being Placed on Endangered Species List

Poison Ivy, one of the most hated plants in the world that causes irritation and itching on skin, has a new ally who wants to protect it from ending up becoming extinct. While there being fewer of these plants in the wild is good news for gardeners, it’s bad news for botanists who grew a weird attachment to the annoying weed.

While most people are celebrating Poison Ivy’s potential exit from the Earth, while some botanists are in mourning. “I love toxicodendron radicans, because I like the green. It’s why I became a botanist,” said Eugene Humphries, founder of The Society to Save Poison Ivy From Extinction (TSTSPIFE), which is located in New Hampshire. “It might seem like it’s everywhere, but if you seriously look back and recall the last time you had Poison Ivy rashes, you were probably in elementary school. It’s really not that bad.”

To save Poison Ivy, Humphries suggests everyone stops pulling it from their gardens, backyards, lawns, and hiking trails. “The more that it stays, the more will grow. Gardeners and selfish moms with kids who whine about a little itch on their leg have destroyed the most aesthetically interesting plant I’ve ever known. Roses have thorns, but I don’t see anybody trying to pull them out of the ground and into extinction. Personally, I don’t see a problem with rolling around in the plant. It’s really very satisfying”.

Humphries will do whatever it takes to  spread the word. He plans to go around the United States to recruit more TSTSPIFE members. He also shared his plans to place signs around parks, in yards, and gardens, reminding folks of the damage they’re doing to the Earth. “If Poison Ivy goes away, I have to live the rest of my life knowing that people I don’t like will enjoy their hikes, itch-free,” he said. “All I really need is two or three more members, so I’m not doing this alone. Help me protect toxicodendron radicans, and you’ll help save a wonderful plant, and maybe even help save the world.”

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