Facebook Plans To ‘Go Dark’ – They Will Shut Down For 72 Hours In Honor of Fallen Police

ALTA VISTA, California – 

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says that the website, which is one of the most trafficked in the world, will be shutting down for 72 hours on August 15th in response to a slew of police murders in the last year.

“I’m very proud of our country’s police forces, and there are a lot of men and women being struck down in the line of duty by nasty, vicious criminals,” said Zuckerberg. “There is not a lot I can do as a citizen, but what I can do is use my power as the owner of one of the biggest websites of all time to make sure these people are remembered.”

Starting on August 15th at midnight eastern time, until midnight on August 18th, Facebook will be replaced by images of fallen police from throughout the country, along with names and service dates. What the site will not do, Zuckerberg said, is make any mention of the “asshole criminals” who killed the officers.

“These criminals, these nasty, disgusting pieces of shit, they get enough mention in newspapers and magazines, and the real heroes, the police, are not mentioned enough,” said Zuckerberg. “Facebook has always been about the color blue, and there’s a reason for that. There are no more important heroes in society today than police. And this is my way of showing that.”

 

Facebook Announces Purchase of Trader Joe’s

joes

COSTA MESA, California – 

Not to be outdone by Amazon, who recently purchase Whole Foods, Facebook announced today their purchase of Trader Joe’s, the “hippie lite” version of Whole Foods.

“Amazon may have Whole Foods, but we’ll see you at Joe’s,” said Facebook founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg. “Facebook has officially announced their purchase of the entire chain of Trader Joe’s Food Stores.”

Zuckerberg said he has been a “huge fan” of the store for years, and was happy when the company agreed to sell, reportedly for $800 million.

“I have been shopping there for years, any time I need groceries, it’s my go-to location,” said Zuckerberg. “I want everyone to know that we will not change a thing about the stores, with the exception of the color scheme. The awful greens they use on everything will, naturally, be replaced with Facebook blue. We will also be phasing out the delis, we will no longer be carrying wine or any other alcohol, and we will switch to using a single supplier nationwide, as opposed to using local foods. This will save us tons, and we will pass that on to you!”

The changeover of the stores will begin to take place in October.

Facebook, Twitter To Begin Charging Per Post Starting Next Year

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As Reported By Huzlers:

Mark Zuckerberg, Chairman of Facebook, and Jack Dorsey, Chairman of Twitter, both announced that they would begin charging users for posting and tweeting, respectively, very soon.

Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook will now be charging $0.50 USD for each post and $0.99 for each post that contains a website link. “It’s time we make a change” says Mark Zuckerberg, “we need to increase our revenue, charging per post is fair. We see so many pointless status updates, maybe now users will think before posting…

READ FULL STORY HERE

Facebook Announces Ban On All Religious Posts, Images

SANTA BARBARA, California – 

Mark Zuckerberg announced this morning during a public forum that Facebook, the world’s number-one most trafficked website, would be soon putting a block on all religious-themed material, including posts, videos, images, and more.

“We are working diligently to keep Facebook a trigger-free zone,” said Zuckerberg. “We’re starting with religion, because as everyone knows, that is the cause of all the world’s problems. After we square that away, we will start removing posts about other triggers, such as feminism, rape, workplace issues, college, bad music, bad TV, bad movies, and so on.”

Zuckerberg says that his plan is to make a website that is so stale and boring, that its users are forced to enjoy it, in what he calls “twisted logic.”

“You see, when a user comes to the site now, they are usually angry. They come to make posts about their bad day, the horrible TV show episode from last night, the new movie trailer they can’t stand,” said Zuckerberg. “We will be taking all of that away. It will be the world’s safe space.”

 

Facebook Releasing Option To Block Foreigners From Friend Requesting You

facebook

SILICON VALLEY, California – 

People should be careful about unusual friend requests on Facebook because most of them are scams, according to an expert. University of South Florida information systems professor Brandon Gill said that people should be cautious when getting requests from others they don’t know.

“In many cases, the reason these persons are friend requesting people are scams, including trying to steal people’s identities. Often though, they are just foreigners who want to practice their English, and that can be even worse.”

Although Facebook has options in the privacy settings to block people from friend requesting a user, many want to make new friends, but not filter through people with names like Миша Петров, Arablife Mike, and Sarkar Deepankar.

Facebook user Jessie Rose is excited about the new options. “I used a picture of a hot chick as my profile pic so I get a lot of friend requests. I am so tired of weeding through the Sayeeds and Aashrafs. Sometimes I accidentally click accept, and it’s annoying to have to go through and delete these guys. I only want to get hit on by people in the United States.”

13-Year-Old Being Cyberbullied Shuts Down Computer, Goes Outside To Play

Teenager using smartphone in basketball court.

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Bobby Jennings is your average, 13-year-old teen. He enjoys hanging out with friends, going to the movies, posting on Facebook, and has a blog on Tumblr. But 2 months ago, things for Bobby changed drastically.

“I posted a funny picture of my on my Tumblr, and I immediately had a bunch of people calling me ugly, telling me I should kill myself. The hashtagged me as #yousofat, things like that,” said Bobby. “For a minute, I was upset. It got really bad, and I didn’t know what to do.”

“He was devastated that kids were making fun of him, and I didn’t know how to help him,” said Bobby’s mother, Joanne Jennings. “In my day, kids bullied you in the real world, not over the internet. Those were hard times.”

“When my mom told me she used to be bullied, and that she would come home crying every day, it made me sad,” said Bobby. “So It was then that I realized, though, that times for her were different. She was poor growing up, and she couldn’t always afford to do laundry. Sometimes the water was shut off, and she couldn’t shower. She told me all that years ago. But we’re not poor. We have a nice house. I have friends in real life. So it came to me what I should do, and I shut off the computer.”

Bobby says that ever since he shut off the computer, things have been so much better.

“I went outside to play and ride bikes with my friends. We built a tree house. It’s pretty awesome, honestly,” said Bobby. “I’ve felt so much better ever since I got off the internet. I think more kids who are being bullied online should do what I did and, you know, get offline. It’s pretty easy.”

Pope Declares Series Of New, Damnable Sins

Pope Francis Visits Sardinia

ROME, Italy –

A “sin of the week” will soon be posted on the Pope’s social media accounts, causing those of the Catholic faith to have to keep up-to-date on what may send them to Hell. Upcoming sins will include voting for liberals, neglecting houseplants, and inconsiderate parking. Plans are also in the works to finally do something about ‘deviled eggs’ and high-carbon emissions, which are leading to the apocalypse.

High ranking and outspoken Cardinal Steve Jalsevec says he does not know what is going on in the Vatican, but something is terribly amiss. “I knew he was crazy when he started talking about how evolution was part of God’s plan. This finally proves it. I don’t know how his advisors are letting this happen.”

The Pope’s advisors are reported to be “having fun for once in their lives.” Publicly, the Vatican has said this is serious business.

“God has told Pope Francis his will be numbered on this planet. Before he is called Home to His Heavenly Kingdom, there is some business he must attend to. The Sin-A-Week plan will ensure he has time to take care of all the issues that are important to him.”

Teen Blinded After Taking Advice From Gag Meme On Facebook

blind

BRIDGTON, Maine –

Tanya Herson, 17, has reportedly blinded herself after putting jalapeño slices directly over her eyes in a misguided beauty technique. A meme she had seen on Facebook said it would get rid of puffy eyes. Although it started to burn almost immediately, she assumed that was a sign that it was working.

Her mother, Deanna, says she “heard Tanya screaming bloody murder,” but at first did not know what had happened.

“Tanya couldn’t tell me what happened. Her eyes were red and swollen. I thought it was an allergic reaction to some kind of makeup, so I had her flush out her eyes in the shower and called 911,” said Deanna.

By the time paramedics arrived, Tanya had completely lost sight in both eyes. Later she told her mother she had seen it in a meme.

“There needs to be someone monitoring the internet,” says Tasha’s mother. “We can’t continue to allow our fake news to hurt our impressionable children.” Deanna says she is looking into suing Mark Zuckerberg for her daughter’s medical bills, as well as pain and suffering. “He owns the website, and the website let someone post this horrible information. If he’s not to blame, I don’t know who is.”

 

Sick Woman Places Onions In Socks Around Room; Does Nothing But Annoy Husband

socks

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

John Maher is threating to divorce his wife, Shirley Maher, if she refuses to get off Facebook after it linked her to a “cure” for her common cold.

After reading about the antibacterial properties of onions, Geraldine placed bowls of onions around the room and put sliced raw onions in her socks. She had read the phosphoric acid would enter her bloodstream through her feet. The article also promised that her room would not stink, since the onions would absorb bacteria which it claimed is the cause of most foot and body odor.

“I had a very stubborn cold so I would’ve tried anything. My husband was of course skeptical, but I don’t know- I think it helped,” she says.

John disagrees. “It didn’t do anything but stink up the house. Can’t get the smell of onions out of the mattress now. Of course it did not do a damn thing, since germs don’t go leaking out of your feet, and even if onions kill bacteria, the common cold is caused by a virus.”

John says this is not the first time something silly she read on Facebook has hurt their marriage. “Besides the fact I have to listen to all the damned gossip, she nearly burned the place down with some craft involving all my good sharpies and rubbing alcohol. It’s my own fault really. Mother told me not to marry Shirley. You wouldn’t believe it now, but I was quite the stud in my day.”

Facebook To Begin Deactivating Accounts Of Anyone Who Posts About ISIS

facebook

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, California – 

Whether you are against ISIS, like most people, or somehow slinking by as a terrorist supporter, Facebook has announced that they will be systematically deactivating accounts that frequently talk about ISIS, Muslims, terrorism, or anything else that they deem “inappropriate.”

“Frankly, it’s their website, and they can do whatever they want,” said user Joe Goldsmith. “I think people forget that Facebook may be made up of its users, but it is not owned and controlled by the users. Facebook has the right to delete or post whatever they want, and if they don’t like your stupid post, then they can delete it.”

According to Facebook spokesman Al Greene, the company is removing the accounts of people who post too often about ISIS, Muslim extremists, and other terrorist groups, because it “upsets other users.”

“If we’re friends on Facebook, and you are constantly posting pictures of your dog, and I have a fear of them, well frankly, those pictures will upset me,” said Greene. “We are trying to be the middle man so no one has to see the dog, no one has to have any fear. If your uncle Charlie is constantly posting pictures and articles talking about ISIS, then we’re going to step in and shut down his account. It’s only fair.”

Greene says that everyone will get one warning, but repeatedly posting controversial topics will lead to account suspension or deletion.

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