WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump signed executive order HS-666 on Friday, completely outlawing fake news. A memorandum to the order outlined specifically outlets that were deemed to be liars, and people who worked for those media stations were immediately taken into police custody.
Top-level executives at CNN, MSNBC, and The Onion were all taken in by police for releasing “fake news stories” to the public, and charged with currently unknown crimes.
“This new order is a disgrace to all of us who write real news, and are being labeled as fake by a bullish president,” said a representative for CNN. “It’s a sad day when we are coupled in with The Onion. No offense to them. They’re kind of funny sometimes. But the fact that anyone thinks that CNN is writing the same kind of news as The Onion? That’s absurd.”
Trump reportedly plans to continue his raids of fake news organizations, and says he is “very pleased” with the initial work that police forces have done to implement his order.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Donald Trump has rung the death toll for the Cable News Network. According to recently filed documents, the once mega-giant news channel will be losing their FCC licenses, forcing them to stop broadcast on April 1. The blow comes after Trump declared the company ‘fake news,’ and blacklisted them from attending White House press conferences.
“CNN is the worst network on television today, and nothing they say about me is true,” said President Trump. “The only network worth watching is Fox News. They are true. They say true things, and they say the best things. CNN is the worst, and everything they say is fake news.”
After Trump declared the channel to be fake news, their ratings plummeted to the lowest in cable television history, with only around 100 to 150 people even tuning into the channel on a daily basis.
“We are saddened that Trump has chosen our network to the be the scapegoat for his War on Truth,” said CNN head Carl Nelson. “Because of his lies about our network, we have lost our licenses, and lost our ability to broadcast. Effective April 1st, we will no longer be on the air.”
Nelson says they are trying to convince the FCC that they should be allowed to continue broadcasting, but the FCC says that they are “not interested” in listening to any fake news, either.
“President Trump has informed us that CNN should not be listened to, so we’re not going to,” said FCC chairman Joel Winters. “We’re a government agency. We do what we’re told. I’m not losing my job over this shit.”