Woman Arrested After Bludgeoning Boyfriend To Death With Game Controller; ‘He Chose Fallout 4 Over Me’


COMPTON, California – 

Lakeesha Wallace, 26, was arrested yesterday after reportedly bludgeoning her boyfriend, Jamal Jones, 27, to death with a Playstation 4 contoller. The couple allegedly argued because Wallace said that Jones was spending “too much time” playing the new video game Fallout 4, and was ignoring her.

“That sonofabitch was playing that game non-stop since it dropped. All day, all night, that mothafucka ain’t done shit around the house,” said Wallace. “I gots me some needs too, and if a brother ain’t about to put down the controller and feast on what I got to offer, then a mothafucka don’t need to be breathing no more.”

Police say that Wallace has been extremely vocal about killing Jones since the second they arrested her.

“She has bragged, multiple times now, that she is, in fact, the one who stabbed Jamal Jones, her boyfriend, to death,” said Police Chief Larry Wiggin. “There is no question to the motives or the crime, as Ms. Wallace has, frankly, refused to stop talking since we brought her in.”

“I tell ya’ll another thing – ya’ll better not even think about giving me no death penalty,” said Wallace to investigators. “I think I done enough time not having my pooney touched in the last 2 weeks thanks to some stupid shooting game. Don’t you think I got enough bullshit on my mind that I don’t need to be dealing with no electric chair? Shit, ya’ll mothafuckas need Jesus if you think I ain’t a strong-ass woman, ain’t afraid of shit.”

Coincidentally, Wallace faces the death penalty in the state of California for her crime.

Fallout Site At Chernobyl To Fully Open To Public


CHERNOBYL, Ukraine – 

Officials in the Ukrainian government say that the time has come to officially open the doors to Chernobyl, the city that was largely abandoned after a meltdown in a nuclear reactor caused a massive radiation leak. The city, which has allowed tours in certain parts over the years, has mostly been locked down due to high levels of radiation.

“We have decided to allow people to return to the city to explore and enjoy,” said Mikhael Horowitz, a spokesman for the Ukrainian government. “Yes, the levels of radiation are still extremely high, even 30 years later. But, as we have found, many people will often separate from tour groups or sneak into restricted areas anyway, so why are we stopping anyone?”

Experts say that radiation levels closest to the reactors would still be at heights deemed unsafe, and that no one should be allowed to enter certain areas.

“I cannot believe they would allow people to enter into the inner parts of Pripyat,” said Dr. Marvin Jones. “Radiation levels, even now, are to the point that if you spent too much time in the area, you would most likely become sick, and probably even die, if you did not turn into some hideous creature or something first. It’s sick that they’d let people become bloodthirsty underground dwellers just to make a few bucks.”

Officials say that they need to send in a team to remove any rabid, radiated animals from the area first, and that the area will be opened again by the end of the year.

Scientists Warn Blizzard Set To Hit Northeast Contains Radioactive Snow

Scientists Warn Blizzard Set To Hit Northeast Contains Radioactive Snow


ISLIP, New York – 

As if 20 inches of snow wasn’t enough to worry about, scientist at the Brookhaven National Lab warn that this deadly amount of snow will also be highly radioactive. Fallout from the Fukushima nuclear disaster of 2011 has finally reached the Northeast of America, and it’s coming in the form of heavy, wet snow set to cover most of the Eastern United States.

“We have been tracking the radiation since the disaster of the Fukushima meltdown in 2011, and to be honest, it could not have reached the country at a worse time,” said  Chief Scientist Michael Baker. “This week’s blizzard, which is expected to dump 20 to 30 inches of snow, blanketing most of New England and New York, will contain dangerous amounts of radiation. I’m urging all residents affected by the storm to remain indoors. The snow will actually be most dangerous while it’s falling, so do not let the snow touch your skin. Do not shovel or let your children play in the snow. Do not let your pets out into the snow. The safest thing you can do is wait until the snow melts into the ground so the radiation can be absorbed by the earth.”

“I’m strongly recommending all residents to stay indoors while the snow is falling, and a New York state-wide curfew will take effect starting at 3pm, and will continue for the duration of the storm,” said New York Governor Mario Cuomo. “During that time, only police, fire services, and other essential personnel will be allowed on the streets. This is nothing to take lightly – this amount of snow, coupled with the severe radiation, is a life or death matter.”

“Radioactive snow? What am I supposed to do?” asked New Hampshire resident Lisa Jones. ”I’ve got 3 large dogs, and it’s going to take weeks for the snow to melt. I can’t have my dogs just popping a squat throughout the house. God, I’ve got to get the hell out of New England. This is a horror show.”



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