Robert Kraft To Sell New England Patriots To Highest Bidder After AFC Loss

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FOXBORO, Massachusetts –

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has said that he is selling the championship team after a 2-point loss in this year’s AFC championship game. According to Kraft, he can’t deal with the New England fans any longer.

“When we’re winning, the fans are amazing, and there’s nothing better than being the owner,” said Kraft. “Unfortunately, when we’re losing – or when we’ve lost – the fans become vile, vicious, and stupid. They send death-threat tweets to players. They tell players that they should kill themselves. It’s sickening, and it makes me want to leave sports completely.”

Kraft says that he wants to sell the team to someone who can handle being on the losing end of a New England sports season.

“New England fans are the most passionate sports fans I’ve ever seen,” said Kraft. “Red Sox Nation is amazing. They will follow the Sox ’til they die, but they don’t generally lob hate speech at them when they lose. Same goes for Celtics and Bruins fans – they’re passionate, but they’re not vile. Football fans are disgusting human beings.”

The team, which is one of the most valuable in the game, is worth an astounding $172 million. Kraft says he will sell them for a “maximum of $2 million.”

“Whatever gets me the hell away from these fans, I’ll do it,” said Kraft. “I am done being a part of this league if New England fans are going to get like this every time there’s a loss. Plus, I just can’t stand Tom Brady.”

Football Fan Certain That Referee Biased Against His Team

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

DENVER, Colorado –

Emerging live from our coverage of the game today, a football fan is certain that the referee is biased against the team he supports. He is sure that the current call, which just went against one of his favorite players, is wrong, and that the referee blatantly favored the opponents.

“It’s clear from the start that he’s a fan of them,” said the man, groaning at another call going against his team. “He’s from wherever their team is from. Probably. That’s why they’re winning – they paid the ref! Why else would they be winning?”

Despite statistics coming from the game showing that his team have had more calls in their favor than the opponents, the man is nonetheless convinced that that only shows half the picture.

“Yeah, he’s given a few minor decisions for us,” the man said, referring to the team he supports as if he is part of it. “But the important stuff – they get all of it. It’s not fair.”

In a surprise twist, our reporters have discovered a fan of the other team who believes the referee is biased against his team, and is proud to say that they’re winning in spite of it.

“As you say, the majority of his decisions have gone in the other team’s favor,” this fan said, referring to the above mentioned statistic. “Clearly he must come from wherever their team is from. It’s not fair, but we’re good enough to win anyway.”

This fan, who apparently is an expert on body language and facial expressions, as well as psychology and sociology, told us that the way the ref looks at the opponents is with a softer glare than at his team’s members. He also asserted that although he has just learned that the referee is not from his side of town, the home city’s support of a different team must have caused a “reverse psychology sorta thing”, and that the referee’s decisions prove him correct.

At press time, we’ve got the two fans in a room together, arguing it out with impeccable logic and calm rationale.

Taylor Swift To Put Music Career On Hold, Plans on Attending College

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

Taylor Swift, the biggest name in pop and country at the moment shocked fans, promoters and the entire music industry today when she cancelled her world tour. Swift announced in a statement that ‘there’s nothing more important than education,’ and she plans on attending college starting this January in time for the spring semester.

“I hope my fans support my decision, I’m not the first star to put a career on hold,” said Swift. “Jodie Foster went to Yale, Natalie Portman went to Harvard, and Emma Watson went to Brown. If they could put their careers on hold to get an education, so can I. As a role model to millions of young girls, I feel it’s my duty to show the importance of education. So I’ll be going to a little school in Boston that maybe some of you have heard of, to pursue my life long dream.”

According to Swift and her management, going to school is the only thing that’s kept her back from becoming the biggest musician of all-time, as opposed to just one of the biggest musicians of all-time.

“Because I want to live this dream, today I am proud to announce I was accepted to Boston’s Medford Community College School of Dog Grooming. I will be starting this January, for a grueling 6 months of courses to achieve my certificate, but I know with the support of God and my fans, I can do it. I want to let my fellow students know even though I may be the only one going to a commuter school in a limo, I’m just a regular down-home country girl at heart.”

“I’m really, really sad that she’s not going to be singing anymore,” said Amy Anderson, a 12-year-old fan. “6 months is like a lifetime away from making music, but I’m happy for her. Well I’m more sad for me than happy for her. I don’t know how I feel. My Mom and Dad are both doctors, and they wanted me to be a doctor. I wanted to be a singer like Taylor, but now I guess I want to be a dog groomer like Taylor.”