Women Use Pubic Hair In New Nail Designs

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Hollywood has always been at the forefront of crazy trends, but this latest one might just be the most bizarre. According to fashion magazine and website GirlLooks, women are shaving their pubic hair and forming it into crazy, hairy fingernail designs.

“Hair is sexy, but hair down there is definitely not,” said fashion mogul Jerard DuPre. “But, if you take that pussy hair, and you trim it, and you comb it, and you soften it with the most luxurious conditioners, and then you glue it to your fingernails, you will be a bombshell.”

DuPre says that he came up with the technique after seeing how much hair was wasted at his Hollywood salon.

“Women come in all the time for new hairdos, waxings, and bikinis,” said DuPre. “We were throwing away pounds of hair a week. Now, we take the hair from the nether-regions and repurpose it. The trend caught on better than I ever could have imagined.”

Major stars including Jennifer Lawrence, Kim Kardashian, and even Barbara Walters have all been seen using their pussy hair as nail trimmings.

“It’s beautiful, and all women at the forefront of fashion and trends are doing it,” said DuPre.

Paris Hilton Announces Own Line of Breast Implants

Paris Hilton Announces Own Line of Breast Implants

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

In a bid to stay relevant in the rapidly changing world of celebrity, Paris Hilton today announced her intention to start her own range of breast implants. Hilton already has ranges of perfume, makeup, and fashion, and is now attempting to branch out into a more boutique industry.

“Women around the world will love what I have in store for them,” she said in a press release. “I know you’ve been waiting to get boobs with my signature of approval, and now they’ll be readily available.”

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The personalized breasts are expected to be top of the range, exclusively in the price range of the upper class, drawing criticism from foundations which assist women living with breast cancer who have had surgery on their mammaries.

“She could use her money and status to help sufferers of cancer, but she only cares about girls looking ‘hot’,” said Brenda Firman, head of Breast Awareness. “It’s very disappointing that a person of her stature would be so selfish.”

In the past, Hilton has been criticized for releasing fashion that is too expensive for homeless people who have nothing to wear, perfume too expensive for job seekers who cannot afford deodorant, and makeup too expensive for some survivors of facial disfigurement. She has brushed off all accusations of selfishness, simply stating, “Why do those people not work harder to make money to afford it?”

The false boobs are expected in all sizes and styles, catering for women of every shape.

“From A-cups to Double-D and beyond, we’ve got something for you,” said her representatives. “Our shapes range from round, to oval, to square for the hipster population.”

Friend Kim Kardashian has congratulated Hilton and announced her own intentions of releasing a range of butt implants.

‘Sexy Felon’ Jeremy Meeks Sparks Fresh Life Into Fashion Industry

STOCKTON, California – empire-news-jeremy-meeks-sparks-new-life-into-fashion-industry

The man the internet refers to as the ‘sexy felon’ and the ‘hot mugshot guy’, alleged arms dealer Jeremy Meeks spoke with our sources yesterday, and revealed his plans to further his new- found fame into a career as a high end fashion designer.

Meeks, 30, who was arrested on weapons and gang charges, caused a stir in the online world a couple of weeks ago when his mug shot was shared on Facebook and thousands of women began to throw themselves at his steely blue eyes.

“I’m the new face of modeling, y’know?” Meeks told reporters from behind his cell bars. “The high-end fashion world is bored with skinny white boys in billowing veils. They want a bad-ass. An anti-hero! I once killed three people in two minutes with nothing but a Pringles tube. Er, allegedly. Nice guys finish last, women want mass murderers and serial rapists these days to keep them happy.”

No stranger to prison, Mr. Meeks has reportedly begun work on a new male fashion line based off the attire of several of his more interesting inmates.

“I can’t reveal too much about the designs just yet, but I will say they embody the sexy crime-chic look Fashionista’s will kill for.” Said Meeks.

“He’s a fresh spark of life to an industry that is drowning in black shawls and gawdy platform shoes. He’s what we need right now.” Said Sebastian Suhl, CEO of fashion label Givenchy.

“I’m just doing my thing. Trying to make a quick buck and a bang.” Meeks explained, “They want criminal scumbag, I give ‘em criminal scumbag – the clothing line.”

No word yet as to when Meeks’ designs will be modeled on the runways.

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