McDonald’s Says ‘Secret Menu’ Item McGangBang To Be Added To Official Menu This Summer

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mcgb

DELUTH, Mississippi – 

For those in the know, most fast food restaurants have always had a ‘secret menu,’ a place where savvy customers could order crazy items built from other items off the ‘common’ menu. At the top of the list of secret items was McDonald’s McGangBang sandwich, which is the biggest, cheapest, item you can get. The sandwich features a McDouble burger, as well as McChicken, smashed together to form a towering heart attack.

McDonald’s long denied the existence of their secret menu, but in the day of the internet, nothing stays a secret for long. With the McGangBang sandwich becoming public knowledge, and a slew of people beginning to not only order the item, but also post pictures online, McDonald’s has said that they are now going to be putting the item on their official menu.

“We are sad that the internet has ruined our secret menu, but at the same time, we’re happy to offer the McGangBang to all our customers,” said McDonald’s CEO Charles King. “We will be officially releasing the product in August to most locations, and it will still only be $2.00 before tax, the cost it is now when ordered as two separate dollar-menu items.”

 

Man Sues Sonic Restaurants After Spilling Frozen Drink On Crotch

sonic

CARSON CITY, Kansas – 

Mark Jameson, 38, says that he is suing Sonic Drive-In Restaurants after they gave him a frozen drink with a lid that was not attached properly, causing him to spill the frigid beverage all over his crotch.

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“I got shrinkage like you wouldn’t imagine, because the drink was so cold,” said Jameson, a computer technician. “Not only was my junk frostbitten, but I couldn’t get an erection for several days. My girlfriend was extremely dissatisfied.”

Jameson says that he has been frequenting Sonic restaurants for years, and that even though they have always had sub-par food, their drinks are okay.

“This one time I go through, and it ruins my week,” said Jameson. “Clearly there’s some compensation that needs to happen, here. My lawyer says I have a hell of a case.”

McDonald’s Hires Gordon Ramsay As New TV Spokesman

ramsay

RICHARDSON, Texas – 

McDonald’s Corporation announced this morning that they have hired legendary chef and television celebrity Gordon Ramsay as their spokesman for a slew of upcoming TV commercials the company is working on.

“To be honest, we are extremely excited and amazed that he said yes to our offer,” said McDonald’s CEO Brian King. “We know that our food, while decent and mostly edible, is not to the level of a 5-star Michelin chef. We are very humbled that he is willing to promote our brand.”

“I’ve never eaten at McDonald’s, and I certainly don’t intend to start any time soon,” said Ramsay of his deal. “Frankly, they offered my a lot of money, and I’ll take it, but the food that they will show me eating in the commercials will not be real McDonald’s food. That’s just not something I’ll do. I can promise you that it will taste like dog vomit. I can tell just by looking at it.”

Ramsay is well known for his hit TV shows Hell’s Kitchen and MasterChef, among others. On Hell’s Kitchen, Ramsay is often shown screaming, yelling, and taunting contestants, who are competing for money and prizes.

“This will be a lot different than my TV shows,” said Ramsay. “They wanted to, at first, dress me up like the fucking clown, but I’m not doing that shite. That’s stupid. I’m going to talk about their hamburgers, and that’s it. The burgers are clearly shit. They look like shit, they smell like shit, and I’m getting physically ill just thinking about eating them.”

“It’s going to be great having Gordon Ramsay talk about our food in public,” said King. “We figure at this rate, we can’t get any lower ratings with the public than we have now, and at least if it’s Gordon Ramsay saying we’re horrible, there is no better person to critique than him.”

Couple Find Child’s Thumb In Wendy’s Chili

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TOBY, South Dakota –

A South Dakota couple have allegedly discovered a child’s thumb in their Wendy’s chili. The finders, Mark and Julie Kavner, both 30, say that they ordered the same thing they’ve ordered every time they’ve eaten at Wendy’s – a small french fry, two bacon cheeseburger deluxe sandwiches, and a chili. This time, though, they discovered something extra.

“We were half way through the chili, and we discovered a child’s thumb near the bottom of the container. I started vomiting immediately,” said Julie Kavner. “It was the most disgusting thing that’s ever happened to me, and I used to work for my family’s septic and sewage company.”

Wendy’s spokesman Gerald Hawkins says that it’s “completely impossible” that there could ever be any digits found in the chili, because the food is made fresh on-site in each restaurant, and that the chain does not employ minor children.

“We strive for excellence every day in all of our locations,” said Hawkins. “We have been accused of this sort of thing before, but it was proven then that it was a hoax. We will prove it again using our internal restaurant investigators.”

The Kavners were advised by their attorney to make no statements about any planned lawsuits.

McDonald’s Suggests Eating 3 McDoubles Each Day As Part Of ‘Healthy Diet’

mcdouble

OAK BROOK, Illinois – 

After Chick-Fil-A recently announced that they suggest people eat their chicken nuggets 3 or 4 times a day as part of a healthy diet, McDonald’s fired back that they, too, should have their food eaten as often as possible if you wish to lose weight.

“Chick-Fil-A may have nuggets, but they’re not as good as ours,” said McDonald’s spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Ours also come with fewer calories per serving, and nowhere near as much homophobia. We strive to make the best nuggets, burgers, shakes, and fries that are out there today.”

According to scientists in the McDonald’s Food Development Lab, eating at least 3 McDoubles – a staple of the restaurant’s dollar menu – each day can help to keep you “fit, healthy, and less hungry.”

“Personally, I eat at least 5 McDoubles each day, and I normally wash it down with a side of french fries and a Diet Coke,” said food researcher Myles Kenefic. “So far, eating that way, I’ve lost over 20lbs in the last 18 years. I think that definitely says something about our food, and our products, and how it can help you stay healthy in the face of adversity.”

McDonald’s say that they hope to get people onto a Mc-Diet as quickly as possible, if not for the health of their customers, but for the sake of their rapidly failing business.

Woman Arrested For Assaulting McDonald’s Manager Over Dollar Menu Price Increases

mcdonalds

DENVER, Colorado – 

McDonalds has been forced to raise prices on its popular dollar menu items, citing the rising price of mystery meat, the increase in wages forced on them by lazy employees, and decline of customers looking for the instant diarrhea experience.

Lucia Haywood, 38, stormed into the McDonalds on Main St. in Denver, Colorado, demanding to speak to the manager after she was informed that her favorite food item, the popular McDouble, was no longer a dollar. Haywood was arrested after she smacked manger Joe Donaldson in the face with her purse.

Haywood says she deserved the normal price, since there were no indications of the change on the menu board outside, and the items were still listed under “dollar menu.”

“It aint a dollar menu if it’s more than a dollar. That is false advertising!” claimed Haywood to police. “If all I gots left from my welfare at the end of the month is a buck, then I want to spend that buck on a Dollar Menu burger! That manager should have adjusted the price. I ain’t got no extra forty damn cents!”

Police agreed with Haywood that Dollar Menu items should be only one dollar, and she was subsequently released.

Woman Starts Petition To Burger King To Bring Back ‘Halloween Whoppers,’ Says They Helped Her Lose Weight

whopper

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Jenicka Jones says she has eaten nothing but Black, or ‘Halloween Whoppers’ for the last two months and ended up losing 25 pounds. “My theory is there is something in that dye. It makes your poop blue, but it also makes the calories slide on through without hurting you.”

Burger King launched its Black Whopper for Halloween, but it has since been discontinued. When Jones noticed the weight loss she made sure to stock up. “I bought a special freezer for Black Whoppers, filled it all up with them. It’s so convenient. Just pop it in the microwave and I’m good to go.”

Jones says she hopes to be the new “Subway Jerod,” without all the sexual deviancy. “Plus, I’m cheap. All I want is free fast food for life. Maybe they could dye all their buns black. Make a whole line of Jancika’s Weight Loss Sandwiches or something.”

So far, Burger King has not responded to Jones’ request for a year-round Black Whopper.

McDonald’s To Add New ‘McLite Gym,’ A New Exercise Area, To Over 20,000 Locations

gym

ASHFORD, Connecticut – 

As many McDonald’s restaurants have closed down their old Playplace areas, leaving them vacant, the company’s new CEO, Geoff King, said that he has plans for helping customers burn off pesky, Big Mac induced weight.

“We plan to convert over 20,000 former Playplace indoor playground spaces into a new section we are calling McLite,” said King. “We want to offer full-service gyms in our locations, featuring Ronald McDonald as your coach. He will guide you in losing weight, all while still being able to enjoy delicious McDonald’s fries and shakes.”

The new McLite sections are already being remodeled in several locations in the midwest, where King says that “the fattest people” live.

“We don’t want to be the cause of obesity in this country, we want to help control it,” said King. “We have partnered with the company Planet Fitness to join into our McLite Gym sections, and we know they will help burn those calories.”

McLite Gyms will open beginning in March of 2016.

Burger King Announces Thanksgiving Whopper Coming In November

thanksgiving whopper

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – 

Burger King has announced this morning that, thanks in large part to the incredible response to their ‘Halloween Whopper,’ they would be releasing a follow-up speciality burger in the form of their new Thanksgiving Whopper.

The burger, which is said to be the traditional burger, but featuring toppings including turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and french fried onions, is set to go on sale in select markets next week, and will officially launch November 10th.

“We are really, really excited for people to try this new Thanksgiving Whopper,” said Burger King CEO Chris Murphy. “The Halloween Whopper was a hauntingly good idea, and it was a smashing success. We hope that the Thanksgiving Whopper gains equal traction and that consumers love it.”

Murphy says that if the burger does well, they may consider continuing with specialty burgers each holiday, including a Christmas Whopper, a New Year’s Eve Whopper, and a Civil Rights Day Whopper, among others.

There is currently no word on what color your poop will be after eating the Thanksgiving Whopper.

McDonald’s Gives In To Demands From Employees, Raises Their Wages To $15 Per Hour

OAK BROOK, Illinois – McDonald's Gives In To Demands From Employees, Raises Their Wages To 15 Per Hour

For the last year, employees at major fast food restaurants, including McDonald’s and Burger King, have been protesting for higher wages, claiming that even the lowest paid employee should be making $15 an hour, almost double the Federal Minimum Wage, but closer to what they say is the “livable wage” they need to survive. Today, in an unprecedented showing of gratitude for its employees by a major corporation, McDonald’s has agreed to bump their minimum pay to the $15 USD an hour the workers wanted.

“The McDonald’s corporation would like to formally announce the new pay scale for our employees,” said Donald Thompson, CEO of McDonald’s. “From now on everyone in our restaurants will be paid the livable wage they were looking for.”

Thompson went on to say that the employees had ‘long been looking’ for this pay raise, and that he felt they ‘definitely deserved it.’

“We know that their jobs are really, really hard,” said Thompson. “They have to stand on their feet for sometimes 4 or 5 hours a day, and take orders from customers, flip burgers and throw down fries. They are forced to repeatedly make the same mediocre food over and over again, using almost completely automated cooking appliances. They even go home smelling like oil and grease sometimes. Can you imagine? Gross. It’s hard work they do for us, and that’s why we are changing the pay scales.”

Thompson said that it is not only a pay-raise for many employees, it’s a pay-cap that all of their management and higher-paid employees will have to deal with.

“The $15 an hour we’re merging to, than that is the top that anyone will make. From the janitors on up through the store managers, everyone will make the same $15 dollars an hour, in every one of our restaurants, all through the US.”

One store manager from Colorado, Aaron Silver, was furious over the news.

“I was making $21 an hour as the store manager, after working my way up from a cashier making $8 an hour,” said Silver. “I worked my ass off to get where I am, because I don’t have a great education, and couldn’t afford college. I started working for McD’s when I was a senior in high school, and it took me 7 years to get to management, and I was pretty happy in having made a career out of fast food. Now they’re going to lower my pay to $15, which will be the same as everyone else? What’s the point in even trying to work your way up the ladder if you’re never going to get anything out of it?”

Kenneth LaChance, a restaurant employee from Bangor, Maine, had completely different views on the new pay.

“I’ve only been with McDonald’s for about 6 weeks, but I am only making $8.25 an hour, and that’s just not enough money to live on,” said LaChance, who is a freshman in high school and lives with his parents. “I have to pay for my own cell phone and like, if I want to go to the movies with friends or something. What they’re paying is so low. I’m glad that I’ll be getting $15 an hour now. I deserve to be paid at least that. If not $20 an hour!”

Thompson has said that McDonald’s is standing by their decision, and anyone who doesn’t like it can ‘hit the bricks.’

“Now that we’re paying everyone $15 an hour, if you’re a manager who doesn’t like it, then I’m sure you can find a new job with Burger King,” said Thompson. “We’ll just bump up one of the kids in your store to take your spot. Easy-peasy.”

Thompson, who has been with McDonald’s for 2 years, makes roughly $9 million dollars as CEO. Broken down into a part-time salary of 25 hours, which is what most employees for McDonald’s are scheduled, Thompson makes approximately $7,000 an hour.

 

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