Barack Obama Goes Into Hiding After FBI Issues Arrest Warrant Over MASSIVE White House Scandal

obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has, along with the FBI, issued an arrest warrant for former President Barack Obama, after it was confirmed that he is involved in a high-profile scandal.

According to reports, Obama may have been illegally downloading movies while living in the White House.

“This kind of behavior is entirely disgusting, and even the President is not above the law when it comes to copyright infringement,” said President Trump in a statement. “We have confirmed that Obama may have used the White House wi-fi to download and stream movies and TV shows, illegally. We cannot let this rest. Piracy is NOT a victimless crime.”

The FBI says they attempted to serve the warrant, with plans to arrest Obama, but according to their reports, the former President has gone into hiding.

“We believe the he caught wind of our investigation, and has since run from his home, and is in hiding,” said FBI spokesman Dan Carthwright. “The government was able to locate Bin Laden in a cave, so we are confident that we will find Barack Obama. We know his movie and TV show tastes. Once a pirate, always a pirate. We are monitoring the entire internet in hopes of catching him red handed, wherever he may be.”

The report from the FBI states that Obama downloaded Orange is the New Black, Transformers, and Southside With You, which is a story about his life.

No Crimes Reported Anywhere In U.S. During Presidential Debate

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For the first time in almost all of recorded history, there was absolutely no crime reported anywhere in the United States throughout the hour and a half of the first Presidential debate.

According to statistics from the Bureau of Violent Crime and Police Activity, there were no crimes called into any police department anywhere in the country during the time of the first debates between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, which is an astounding statistic that experts say may never happen again.

“Over 475 million people were at home, watching the debates live on TV or on social media,” said Bureau head Fred Kahn. “During the entire hour and a half – in which there were no commercials or breaks – we found that there were no crimes committed. I’ve been running this bureau for the better part of 20 years, and I’ve never seen it. At no point in our records has something like this ever happened. It’s an anomaly.”

Kahn says that he thinks that people were just too engrossed in the debate to bother committing and crimes.

“It doesn’t matter who it is – black, white, yellow, purple. People of all races, of all types, of all kinds…they came together during this time, and they decided to stop killing and raping and stealing from each other, and they just watched that dumpster fire of a debate. Together. It’s simultaneously the most and least American thing I’ve ever seen.”

Serial Killer Leaves Saltine Crackers On White-Only Victims; Dubbed ‘Cracka-Killer’

police

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

The FBI is offering a reward for information leading to identification of the “Cracka-Killer,” who has nine confirmed kills, all of whom were strangled and found with a single saltine cracker placed over each eye. The Cracka-Killer is assumed to be an unmarried black man, age 28-40, who feels “wronged by the white man.” His victims have all been white men and women above age thirty, and were residents of Massachusetts and New York State.

According to John Douglas, a former chief of FBI’s serial crime unit, there are conservatively between 35 and 50 active serial killers on the loose in the US at any given time. Most do not leave such an obvious calling card.

As many tips are expected to flood in, the FBI reminds the public not to call in to report every gang member or man of color buying crackers.

Resident Jay-Rod Brown is offended that they assume it’s a black man. “It’s actually racist to assume the killer is a black man. Maybe he isn’t calling them ‘crackas,’ maybe his momma didn’t give him enough soup as a child. You never know what’s in a psycho’s mind. Or it’s some old cracka who wants to put the suspicion on someone else. That’s my theory.”

PETA To Be Added To FBI Watch List Of Gangs, Hate Groups

peta

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Following in the footsteps of the Bloods, The Cripps, and Juggalos, the animal rights group PETA has officially been added to the gang watch list at the FBI. According to a Bureau spokesperson, the PETA agency has been on their radar for years as a potential hate group, but it was only recently that it was decided they should be added officially.

“If we are going to consider a group like the Juggalos a gang, then we have to have PETA members be a part of this as well,” said FBI spokesperson Denise Johnson. “PETA are more violent, more dangerous, and full of more lies and deceit than nearly any other gang we deal with. Whereas the Bloods may be violent in the open, PETA are a group of seriously deranged individuals who will stop at nothing to fight for their cause, breaking whatever laws and spouting whatever lies they need to in order to gain supporters.”

The FBI claims that over the years, PETA has been responsible for violent and hateful acts, including riots, protests, physical assaults, and at least 2 deaths.

“The group, known to the public, mostly, as a group campaigning for animal rights, have long been know to have resorted to hypocritical, and often evil, methods of operation,” said Johnson. “From here on out, they will be watched very closely.”

The FBI says that PETA members will no longer be able to congregate in groups over 3, and that they must refrain from using their cause as a way of approaching civilians on the street.

FBI Charges Hillary Clinton With Multiple Counts Of Sharing ‘Top Secret’ E-Mails

clinton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Democratic Presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton’s campaign has been struck a mighty blow today, with news of the FBI’s announcement of criminal charges being formally filed against her for allegedly sharing top secret information via public channels. 

“President Obama was shocked to learn about the charges against Clinton today while reading the paper on a golf course in Hawaii,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.”The President has said he puts his complete faith in the FBI, and promises to learn more about charges against Mrs. Clinton when he gets back to the White House next week.”

“I don’t know anything about how to set up an e-mail account,” said Clinton during a press conference this morning. ”When I was the Secretary of State, I thought it would just to be easier to use my current email address, HillaryRocks at AOL dot com. Chelsey set it up for me years ago, and it’s cute, so I kept it. I never knowingly shared top secret information with any foreign government – I’m just old, phones confuse me, and the buttons are so small. I may have hit ‘forward all’ a few times, but never on purpose. I committed no crime here, and it’s clear I’m being thrown under the bus by President Obama, who just wants to see Joe Biden as the next President!”

When asked why President Obama would have any reason to discredit her, Clinton mentioned that there may have been some issues between her family and his in the past.

“Well, Bill may have gotten a little frisky once with Michelle Obama at a government party, and Barack has held a grudge ever since. I want to promise my supporters that I will beat these charges, though, like we Clintons have always done. Even though I’m not smart enough to figure out how to have two different email addresses on one phone, I’m still smarter than Biden and those republican idiots.”

In another turn of events, Vice President Joe Biden says that he may actually run for president now, with the full support of Obama and his current cabinet.

“With this shocking news, it’s clear that I will have to throw my hat into the ring and run for President to save the Democratic party,” said Vice President Joe Biden. ”That’s right America, old Bumbling Joe needs your vote – and your money – because I am getting into the race, even if it is a little late.”

If found guilty of the crimes charged, Clinton could face up to 50 years in prison.

 

The ‘Disturbing’ Images FBI Investigators Found on Subway Spokesman Jared Fogle’s Computer

Jared

ZIONSVILLE, Indiana – 

Subway Restaurants recently cut ties with their longtime spokesman Jared Fogle after FBI raided his Zionsville, Indiana home, confiscating computers, DVDs, and other media devices. The investigation into Fogle comes after an executive in his Jared Foundation was arrested this past May. Although police and FBI investigators have said that Fogle has not been charged with any crime, what they found on his computers, they say, was “extremely disturbing” and “shocking.”

“Everyone knows Jared from his many Subway commercials, and we all know the story of how he lost tons of weight, and kept it off, by eating Subway sandwiches,” says investigator Ronald King. “Sadly, it appears that Mr. Fogle has kept a deep, dark secret. Although we didn’t find anything illegal in his possession, what we did find were many pictures that will certainly shock Subway restaurants, Mr. Fogle’s family and friends, and his fans.”

King says that investigators discovered thousands of images, videos, and stories relating to cakes, pies, desserts, and other “junk food.” Many of the visuals were of half-eaten bags of potato chips, greasy cheeseburgers dripping with delicious fats, and several videos that simply showed people eating pizza or other fatty, yet scrumptious, foods.

“It’s clear that Fogle has a serious problem, and he was dealing with it the only way he knew how,” said King. “I, personally, find it admirable that he was able to constantly be viewing these terrible, artery-clogging images, and still maintain his slightly wimpy but no-longer-fat figure. These excessive images of food were beyond terrifying. They bordered on obsession, and I hope now that Fogle can finally just go out and get himself a damn burger and fries without Subway breathing down his neck.”

Below are several images that investigators say they discovered on Fogle’s many, many hard drives and burned DVDs. Be warned, the images are graphic in nature, and may leave you feeling extremely hungry.

 

Food

 

Insane Clown Posse Member ‘Violent J’ Hospitalized, Reportedly In Coma

DETROIT, Michigan – Insane Clown Posse Member 'Violent J' Hospitalized, Reportedly In Coma

According to reports, rapper and actor Joseph Bruce, better known by his stage name Violent J, 42, was rushed to a Detroit-area hospital Friday morning after falling into a coma.

The musician, who is one half of the Juggalo-duo Insane Clown Posse, was apparently enjoying a quiet breakfast at home with his wife, when he fell from his chair and collapsed to the floor.

“It was horrible, I screamed and practically knocked the table over trying to get to him,” said J’s wife, Michelle “Sugar Slam” Rapp. “He went down like 34 or 35 tons of bricks. He smeared grease paint all over the floor when he went down, and spilled his Faygo all over the place. Thank God the kids weren’t around to see it. What a mess.”

Doctors say the rapper, who is morbidly obese, is in a diabetic coma, and they are monitoring him after injecting the rapper with several doses of insulin.

“Mr. Violent J is a hefty fellow, for sure,” said Dr. George Hatchetman. “His diet, which his wife says mostly consists of donuts, bagels, and Faygo Root Beer floats, is not in any way healthy for a man of his size, with his health problems. It’s a wonder that Mr. J hasn’t had issues before, especially during his wrestling career. It’s amazing he hadn’t suffered a heart attack.”

“Man, that motherfucker could get stabbed in the balls, ass, and face, and still come out on top,” said co-founder and other half of the Insane Clown Posse, Shaggy 2 Dope. “That dude, he’s my Big Baby Sweets. He’s my Goddamn homie, and I know God’s looking out for us from that big motherfucking penthouse in the sky. J is gonna be okay. I’d bet my best neden on that shit.”

Detroit Hospital doctors say that they are currently listing J’s condition as critical, but do not believe that his condition is life threatening. Juggalos from across the country have been gathering outside of the hospital, singing ICP songs, drinking Faygo RedPop, and smoking copious amounts of weed. The police, as well as local FBI agents, say they are keeping a close watch on the growing group, in preparation of any gang-like activities.

Michael Vick Investigated In Suspected Cockfighting Ring

GREENWAY, New Jersey –  Michael Vick Investigated In Suspected Cockfighting Ring

Michael Vick and five others were taken into custody for questioning today as State Troopers and FBI agents raided the Vick estate in Greenway, New Jersey, breaking up was is thought to be the largest cockfighting ring in the North East. Betting notebooks, several cocks, and many stacks of cash were taken in as evidence.

“It’s all cool, it’s no big deal. I can understand why a few people got upset with the whole dog fighting thing, but this is nothing like that. I mean, it’s just cocks, it’s not serious,” said Vick as he was taken into custody. ”No cocks got wasted in this house. We’ve had plenty of cocks in and out around here – most of the cocks weren’t harmed, and all of the cocks gave everyone involved a lot of pleasure. Betting on the cocks was just fun amongst some friends.”

“After receiving several tips, we decided to put the Vick estate under surveillance. After several weeks, we decided to make our move today,” said Special Agent Debbie Drake. “We have more than enough evidence, and there’s no doubt in my mind that Vick was the cock ringleader. I can’t believe how many cocks we found here. Personally, I’ve never seen so many cocks. I think Michael Vick must have been holding other men’s cocks here at his house. The ASPA will be taking them in, so there’s no doubt the cocks will be in good hands. Two people we expected to find here today are Peter North and Ron Jeremy, two reported ‘big shots’ in the underground world of cocks. Arrest warrants for them have been issued.”

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