TSA To Begin Using Drug-Sniffing Cats At Airports


The Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for security at all U.S. airports, said that they are beginning to switch from drug-sniffing canines to drug-sniffing cats at security checkpoints. The change comes after a 4-year-old with past dog-related trauma was hospitalized when he suffered a mild heart attack at the sight of one of LAX’s dogs.

“Cats, although much more difficult to train, can smell drugs, too” said TSA spokesman George Richards. “They’re not quite as adept at it, because their noses don’t work like a dog’s, but they can certainly smell cocaine, marijuana, and catnip with no issue.”

Cats, which unlike dogs are notorious assholes, are internet sensations in their own right, but there are many concerns that a cat will not be able to find most of the drugs that may slip through TSA security, leaving a major hole in our nation’s plane travel.

“We are very aware that cats will not find everything that comes through, but frankly, neither do the dogs,” said Richards. “There will still be backups, such as our TSA agents, working the checkpoints, just as there has always been. Frankly, we just want to make sure that people are safe, and if dogs are going to be an issue, then cats are the next logical step.”

Richards says that cats will become the norm at all major airports by the end of 2016.

Georgia Man Dies After Triggering Booby Trap He Rigged In His Own Home


SAVANNAH, Georgia –

In an extremely gruesome and horrific scene, the body of Ernest Gaylord Michelberger, 67, of Savannah, Georgia was discovered severed in half near the waist earlier this week in his home where he lived alone.

Michelberger’s son, Gunner Michelberger, found his deceased father in a state that Savannah Poilice Department spokesperson Melinda Yarberry described as grotesquely bizarre. “After a thorough investigation of the scene and interviewing family members, cause of death has officially been ruled an accident by way of booby trap,” Yarberry said.

Gunner Michelberger said that his father had grown more and more paranoid over the years because of minorities moving into his neighborhood.

“My Daddy was not a racist, and he surely didn’t raise his kids to be a racist, but the fear of getting the house broken into and being robbed grew stronger and stronger. He bought a bunch of guns and learned how to rig booby traps from some book he had,” the younger Michelberger said.

The contraption constructed by the elder Michelberger consisted of an elaborate system of levers, pullies, and two chainsaws, which had push-button starters installed on them.

Yarberry, who held a small press briefing to discuss and answer questions regarding the towns police activities over the past week, made very adamantly that the death of Mr. Michelberger was a wake up call. “Over the years in the state of Georgia, more and more people are injured by booby traps they’ve created themselves. Installing any kind of booby trap is strictly prohibited by law in the state of Georgia. Things likes this happen when people start getting paranoid,” she said.

87% Of Population Fear Having Feet Grabbed By Boogeyman If Left Uncovered During Sleep

STORRS, Connecticut – 87 Of Population Fear Having Feet Grabbed By Boogeyman If Left Uncovered During Sleep

The National Association of Sleep Comfort and Coziness (NASCC),  a scientific sleep and comfort research program based at the University of Connecticut, released scientific findings accumulated by a clinical study earlier this week showing that 87% of Americans fear having their bare, uncovered feet snatched by the mythical creature known as ‘The Boogeyman’.

Dr. Jason Harper, who leads all studies conducted by the NASCC explained the details of the month-long clinical trial in an interview with Empire News yesterday morning.

“For this study we compiled five-hundred participants, five males and five females from all fifty U.S. states. The trial, which was conducted over a period of thirty days, showed that the overwhelming majority of test subjects could not get a good, sufficient night of sleep if their feet were left uncovered, no matter the temperature,” Dr. Harper said. “Upon further analysis, it was ultimately discovered that 87% of the test subjects had the subconscious, and overwhelming feeling that some mysterious being, aka ‘The Boogeyman’, would come along and grab their uncovered feet as they tried to coax themselves into falling asleep.”

Mark Grammar, of Louisville, Kentucky, who was a participant in the study, told Empire News that he did not consciously believe in ‘The Boogeyman’ before the thirty-day trial, but has had an overpowering sense of fear when trying to sleep at night with his feet uncovered all his life.

“It sounds crazy I know,” Grammar said. “I just can’t fall asleep at night with my bare feet left uncovered because I expect some person or creature to come along and grab them. I would never have believed it, but the study showed that it is indeed a powerful manifestation of my subconscious mind, and that is why most people feel so vulnerable about leaving their bare feet uncovered at night.”

Dr. Harper revealed that 56% of test subjects were females who have a fear of the foot-snatching creeper, leaving 31% males who fear the intimidating, sleep depriving, podiatrist-aspiring beast.

Tanya Brown, of San Diego, California, one of the fearless 13%, said that she laughed all the way through the experiment. “It was such a hoot! Most everyone would be so tired everyday because they couldn’t sleep because they were afraid of the Boogeyman! I mean really? The struggle is indeed real! The Boogeyman gonna getcha!” Brown said as she laughed out loud.

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