Ferguson, Missouri: ‘Well, At Least It’s Not Us Burning Again’

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Ferguson, Missouri: ‘Well, At Least It’s Not Us Burning Again’

FERGUSON, Missouri –

As the city of Baltimore is slowly destroyed by looters, vandals, idiots, and thieves looking for a quick score, many people throughout the community of Ferguson, Missouri, say that they are just “extremely glad” that it’s not happening to them again.

“Everyone knows that the riots have nothing to do with this or that black kid getting killed by the cops,” said Joanne Reynolds, of Ferguson. “It’s about getting a free TV or that new weave. Racial injustice is the last thing on the mind of anyone who is out there grabbing a new Macbook as they burn down the Apple store.”

“Honestly, I’m just really glad that some other city is burning and it’s not happening to us again,” said Rick Hardon, also of Ferguson. “It was crazy that shit that happened here, but you know, we’re rebuilding our community. Baltimore will, too.”

Not everyone in Ferguson is happy that another city is slowly being destroyed, though.

“It’s an outrage, seriously, just insane!” said Jamal Clemens. “I really want there to be another death at the hands of police, because I only got me one TV and a PS4 last time we had them riots. But all my bros got the Xbox One, so I gotta get one of them. I ain’t got shit for money, though, so I gotta loot and shit. Freddie Grey was a loser and drug dealer and a plague on his community. Ain’t no one really giving a shit that he’s dead, are they? Hell no. They trying to get free stuff! We gotta have that happen again here in the Ferg.”

 

 

 

Ferguson Police Chief Denies Charges Of Racism, Claims ‘White Criminals Don’t Exist’

Ferguson Police Chief Denies Racism, Claims 'White Criminals Don't Exist'

FERGUSON, Missouri – 

Ever since the police shooting of Michael Brown in 2014, Ferguson, Missouri has become the site of heightened racial tensions and brought issues of color and privilege back into the spotlight. But the mostly white police force responsible for the death of the 18-year-old deny that they are racists, or that they have even subtle biases or prejudices. Rather, their explanation for the disproportionate amount of African-Americans being routinely stopped and held under suspicion, is that white criminals simply don’t exist.

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“I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said police chief Thomas Jackson. “Of course the force is mostly white. Of course we stop and search only African-Americans. And when an unarmed teen is shot by one of our officers, there’s no chance he’s gonna be white. But that’s not based on prejudice. Why would we search white Americans when we know that they’re not responsible for any crimes?”

Reporters asked Jackson how he could be sure white people weren’t responsible for crimes if they were never investigated.

“Why would we investigate them? That’s exactly what I’m asking! Since we know they don’t do bad things, there’s no reason to do so. It would just inconvenience innocent upstanding citizens.”

Reporters brought high profile examples of white convicts, such as James Holmes, who infamously shot and killed 13 moviegoers in an Aurora, Colorado cinema.

“But of course!” Jackson responded. “Movies aren’t real obviously. They’re there to show us things that we’d never see in real life – that’s why we go watch them. A white shooter in a cinema? Those definitely abound, but only because it never happens in real America.”

At press time, journalists and activists had given up on the police chief, stating that it’s pointless talking racism with someone who believes everything he thinks is true.

Ferguson Protestors Blocking Streets Cause Death Of Young Child

FERGUSON, Missouri – Ferguson Protestors Block Streets, Cause Death Of Young Child

A young boy has died today because Ferguson protestors were blocking streets around the city, causing an ambulance to be stuck behind several miles of traffic. Joey Goldsmith, 5, needed an emergency appendectomy, and was being transported from his home to the hospital via ambulance.

“All these stupid people, they were out in the streets, wasting their time ‘protesting’ while my son died in the back of an ambulance,” said Maria Goldsmith, Joey’s mother. “If we could have gotten to the hospital, he would have been fine. Thousands of idiots out there, thinking they were changing a damn thing, and now I’ve lost my entire world.”

Throughout the entire country, protests based around the Michael Brown ruling have been popping up, with several arrests even being made in Boston, as well as New York during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. While the looting and riots in Ferguson have died down, the more “peaceful protests” are still going strong, but even those have been causing serious headaches throughout the city.

“I couldn’t get to work this morning because some group of do-gooders were out with their signs and megaphones, screaming and hollering. It wasn’t violent, but I’ll be damned if they didn’t hold up traffic. I was almost 2 hours late for work,” said Regina Myles, a nurse at a local hospital. “Look – it doesn’t matter which side of this cop shooting you fall on, lives are being interrupted by your ignorance. Get out of the damn streets, and do something worthwhile.”

“Well, not that anyone really cares how I feel at this point in time, but I was definitely annoyed at the amount of traffic there was,” said Officer Dylan Charles, of the Ferguson Police Department. “I mean, I’m certainly not going to say anything to these people directly, God knows what kind of shitstorm that could fire off. But really, calm down. Your protests are just dumb, and people need to be able to travel through the city without being held up. I mean for Christ’s sake, if I wanted to deal with fruitless protesting, I’d go to the Gaza Strip.”

Ferguson police say they are trying to work with the National Guard to keep protestors safe, and also keep traffic moving freely, so as not to kill anymore children or inconvenience anyone further.

Officer Darren Wilson Shot Outside of 7-Eleven In St. Louis

ST. LOUIS, Missouri – Officer Darren Wilson Shot Outside of 7-Eleven In St. Louis333

In a breaking and developing story, the police officer who shot and killed Michael Brown of Ferguson, Missouri was approached by an angry mob and was shot twice upon exiting a 7-Eleven convenience store early this morning. Wilson is currently listed as in stable condition at Mercy Hospital in St. Louis, and is expected to survive.

A witness on the scene, Gloria Matthews, resident of St. Louis, told members of the Associated Press that she recognized the officer from television as she stood behind Wilson in line.

“Everyone in the store was whispering and pointing, it was really awkward,” Matthews said. “He paid for his items, which just happened to be a donuts, of course, and then I paid for my gas. As I walking out, I heard two loud pops that kinda sounded like firecrackers. I looked over and saw him lying on the ground.”

Other witnesses who were outside the store said they saw a group of caucasian men approaching Wilson as he exited the store. It was reported that the men were shouting obscenities at Wilson, and yelled at him blaming him for destroying their city. One witness, Rodney Kingston, said there was a brief exchange of words as Wilson proclaimed he just wanted to get home to his wife and watch television.

“He yelled back at the guys that he just wanted to get home and finish watching the sixth season of Law & Order: SVU on Netflix like a normal person. It was really weird and scary. The damnedest thing was that the guys who were giving him crap were all white, too.” Kingston said.

After Wilson was shot twice, reportedly once in the leg and once in the arm, he fell to ground, dropping both boxes of donuts. Kingston stated that the suspects who fired the shots ran away and jumped into a dark SUV, and then a flurry of looters “arrived out of nowhere” and scooped up all the donuts, lit fireworks, threw some bricks, and fled the scene just as quickly as they arrived. Kingston said he had never seen anything so bizarre in his life.

“Like four guys came from different directions, it was insane. They grabbed the donuts and they threw a couple of bricks at a nearby store, then they all took off,” said Kingston. “What the hell is the matter with this damn city, anyway?”

The group of men who shot Wilson fled the scene and remain at large. No other customers or witnesses were harmed in the incident.

Officer Darren Wilson Shot Outside of 7-Eleven In St. Louis

At Least 6 Confirmed Deaths Of White People During Ferguson Riots Ignored By Mainstream Media

FERGUSON, Missouri – At Least 6 Confirmed Deaths Of White People During Ferguson Riots Ignored By Mainstream Media

Reportedly, at least two white women and 4 white men have died in the Ferguson Riots currently stemming from the Michael Brown ruling, but mainstream media – including FOX News, CNN, and MSNBC – are too afraid to report on these deaths, in fear of enticing white people to join in on the riots and looting and causing a possible race war.

Mildred Crocker was the first white woman to die in the midst of the riots. Her grandson, Dave Crocker, is outraged that his interview with local news station KKTY has not made it on any national, or even local, networks.

“My grandmother went out to get her prescriptions filled, oblivious to the chaos out here. Grams doesn’t have TV and doesn’t care about news. Anyway, she saw so many spooks at once she fell to the curb, clutching her heart. Then those damn black EMTs passed right by her, instead attending to some stupid gang-banger looking motherf—– with a gash in his head. Grams was 72. She could’ve lived to 102 if those jigaboos had gotten her in that ambulance right away.”

Cindy Vanthomme, 38, was trampled to death as the initial peaceful protests turned to riots. As she lay bleeding on the ground, other rioters reportedly trampled her, and stripped her of the nine Chanel and Gucci handbags s that she had been carrying, stolen earlier from a local pawn shop. According to her well-to-do white family, Vanthomme hadn’t personally stolen them, and had more than likely been intending to turn the handbags into police.

“We are trying our best to make sure that the current level of violence does not increase, so we’ve taken steps to make sure certain ‘stories’ stay within the area,” said Joseph Goldsmith, a National Guard spokesman on duty in Ferguson. “The local police have made sure to remove all white police officers active response duty, so if anyone gets shot looting, it’s going to be a black on black crime. The National Guard has taken similar precautions. As white people, we can’t take any chances, here.”

“We ain’t allowed to show white solidarity,” says a long-time Caucasian Ferguson resident, who asked not to be named for his own safety. “People are forgetting about the struggle of the poor white man. My cousin Jacob was shot dead in his trailer by a cop for pointing the remote control at the TV. When that happened, no one said, ‘hey that shit’s not right. How ’bout we bust into a store and get that new TV we been wantin?’ There were no riots when Jacob was killed. Maybe I shoulda done something, but I’m just so Goddamn lazy, you know?”

As the aftermath of the Michael Brown decision rages on, many people throughout the country are demanding more balanced coverage. Even obviously biased news sources like Fox News, who as the most stuffy, Republican channel on TV are often caught criticizing blacks and other minorities, continue to ignore the stories of white deaths. Sadly, it appears the deaths of Crocker and Vanthomme will pass by America unnoticed, while more and more violence continues in Missouri.

Bill Cosby On Ferguson Riots: ‘Anything To Get The News Media Off My Ass’

HOLLYWOOD, California – Bill Cosby On Ferguson Riots- 'Anything To Get The News Off My Ass'

Comedian Bill Cosby has been the butt of many jokes and the talk of the media lately, as allegations of rape and sexual assault have sprung up from several women, including former model Janice Dickinson and Law & Order: SVU actress Michel Hurd.

Despite these horrendous stories overtaking his entire life and ruining a career most people assumed ended in 1992, Cosby has been relatively quiet about the allegations, only speaking once to deny any wrong-doing, and otherwise deflecting comments to his lawyers and agents.

Cosby had a new, planned series put on indefinite hiatus by NBC, a Netflix stand-up special cancelled, and even TV Land stopped showing old episodes of The Cosby Show – because obviously you aren’t allowed to be entertained by him anymore now that you know he’s an (alleged) rapist.

Because he’s prominent and black, Cosby was asked this morning about the horrors of the Ferguson, Missouri riots that are happening in the wake of the Michael Brown shooting verdict.

“Whatever keeps the news media off my ass is fine by me,” said Cosby. “My ass is old and tired, and doesn’t need this kind of abuse. Them Ferguson folks can loot, pillage, plunder, riot, murder – whatever they gotta do to make themselves happy. The longer it goes, the less people will be thinking about me. Instead of a 12-hour exposé on whether or not I raped a bunch of women, CNN can do one on race relations in Missouri. Now please – just let me enjoy my pudding pops in peace.”

If you’re feeling a bout of extreme pity or you have an unbreakable nostalgic urge for sweaters, you can catch Cosby on his national stand-up tour happening now through May, 2015.

Ferguson Company Selling ‘Riot & Looting Kits’ In Wake Of Michael Brown Ruling

FERGUSON, Missouri – Ferguson Company Selling 'Riot & Looting Kits' In Wake Of Michael Brown Ruling

Never let it be said that capitalism doesn’t find a way. A newly formed company, Riot Right, started by a Ferguson businessman after the Michael Brown shooting, is now selling pre-prepared riot and looting kits for the people of Ferguson, Missouri.

“First, let me say that Riot Right is all about quality,” said Willie Willis, owner. “It’s tough all over the world, not just in Ferguson – riots and looting can break out anytime and anywhere, and people need to be prepared. Our basic riot kit has safety in mind, first and foremost. Each one comes with goggles to protect your eyes from pepper spray, gloves and chest protectors for defense against rubber bullets. We feel if you’re going to riot and loot, do it right.”

Willis said that although he doesn’t condone rioting, he does feel that if there is going to be all this flagrant opportunism with looting, he should join in on it – at least from a business perspective.

“People will use any excuse they can to riot and burn and loot the stores of our community. With that in mind, our deluxe kit comes with all the safety equipment as the basic kit, plus offense items, such as crowbars for breaking car windows and store fronts. Don’t be that fool using a rock – that’s ghetto. There are also bottles for making molotov cocktails, although sorry, gas not included. They also come with Kevlar vests, ’cause when the rubber bullets don’t work, you don’t want to be the dead fool out there getting hit with real bullets. Our kits guarantee that you will be able to cause the most trouble and grab the most loot, because if you can’t see or breathe, how you gonna carry a flat screen T.V. outta the store?”

 

“We were hoping that ‘cooler heads’ would prevail, and the justice system would do its job, but that doesn’t seem to be the case,” said Mike Murray of the Missouri State Police. “So that said, we’ll be working diligently to keep the people safe by arming ourselves to the teeth with every automatic weapon we can get our hands on.”

“The police will work to keep only half the people safe, but I’m thinking about the other half,” said Willis. “Remember to pick up your riot and looting kits at my mobile office – just look for the ’77 Riviera that’s usually parked on 15th street in front of Denny’s.”

 

Missouri Governor Announces ‘Police-Free Zone’ In Ferguson

JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri – Missouri Governor Announces 'Police-Free Zone' In Ferguson

Missouri Governor Jay Nixon announced today in a prepared statement the creation of a Police-Free zone within the city limits of Ferguson. The zones will be in neighborhoods with high a African-American population, and if successful could be a model for other cities such as Chicago and New York.

“It has become clear that the police are not welcome in certain areas of Ferguson. If a police car cannot be driven down a street without rocks being thrown at it or shots taken, it is clear that a police presence is not welcomed,” said Gov. Jay Nixon. “I cannot guarantee our officers safety in highly populated African-American neighborhoods, so if they don’t want us there, that’s what I’ll give them. I will no longer put police in danger, no 911 calls will be answered and no crimes investigated in these newly formed ‘Police Free Zones/’ They can loot and riot all they want in their own neighborhoods as long as the stay out of the good areas.”

“I applaud the Governor’s decision,” said Police Chief Thomas Jackson. “With the Brown ruling coming back and violence beginning already, we needed this ruling and we got it. Starting tomorrow there we will be corded-off areas of Ferguson with checkpoints leading in and out of the police free zones. Anyone wishing to enter may at their own risk, people trying to leave a police free zone will be searched and questioned. This move will not only make it safer for officers to do their jobs, but save taxpayers money because 98% of lawsuits against the police come from these black neighborhoods. We are hoping that this will help their community find the utopia they’re looking for – a place with no laws and authority, and no white cops to be harassed by.”

 “I wont have to worry ’bout no police shooting my babies now, just because they wear hoodies and like to steal a little bit,” said Shanda Charles, a resident of Ferguson. “You see, for the first time in my life, I wont feel like a criminal just because I’m black. I don’t have a record, and don’t wanna be treated like I do. I’m sure the gangs will do a better job at keeping us safe that the police ever could, and that’s a price I’m willing to pay for. At least they won’t harass me for ‘driving while black’ while they checkin’ out my boobs.”

 

Police Officer Refused To Defend Himself From Beating By Teenager

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – Police Officer Refused To Defend Himself From Beating By Teenager

A police officer in Charleston is being commended by his superiors today after he refused to defend himself from a brutal attack by a teenager while on duty two night ago.

According to reports, officer Charles Brown, a veteran patrolman, was savagely attacked by an African-American juvenile around 11pm Monday evening while performing a routine traffic stop. Dash cameras and microphones in the police vehicle show Brown, who is described by everyone who knows him as easy-going and extremely mild-mannered, as pulling over a black Toyota Tacoma pick-up truck that had a broken tail light. He asked the driver of the vehicle, a 17-year-old male (whose name is not being released because of his age) for his license and insurance card, and is immediately struck in the face by an object flying from the driver’s side window.

“It was all a blur, really,” said Brown, who is recovering from injuries in a local Charleston hospital. “I asked the boy for identification, and then something struck me in the face. I went down, and was blinded for a second from the shock, my eyes watering. Next thing I know, I’m being pelted by kicks to the ribs and face.”

Brown’s commanding officer says he suffered several broken ribs, a broken wrist, a partially collapsed lung, and minor bruising to his face, but was lucky to have not defended himself in any way, or else the entire ordeal could have gone very badly.

“Officer Brown will recover, and his wounds will heal,” said Captain Joseph Goldsmith. “This could have gone very badly, though, we admit that. If Officer Brown, who is a well-built white male had attempted any sort of defense, or God-forbid, attacked this teen back, then this could be a media firestorm. Officer Brown did the right thing, taking the beating, and I encourage any police officer who may be faced with a similar situation to act in a similar manner.”

Captain Goldsmith went on to say that the teenager, who was later arrested holding up a liquor store, will face criminal charges including illegal possession of a firearm, grand theft, resisting arrest, and assault on a police officer.

A candlelight vigil was held outside the hospital, with many officers and family members showing up to pray for a speedy recovery for officer Brown.

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