Shocking: Patti LaBelle Sweet Potato Pies Reportedly Made With Blood of Unborn Fetuses

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BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

The new rage at Wal-Mart in the last several weeks has been singer Patti LaBelle’s Sweet Potato Pies, reportedly made from a recipe from LaBelle’s own kitchen. In a shocking discovery, though, it seems that some of the “natural ingredients” that are listed on the package include the blood of unborn or discarded fetuses.

“Frankly, we are shocked to learn that Patti LaBelle Sweet Potato Pies contain the blood of the innocent as part of the natural ingredients,” said Wal-Mart food supervisor Joe Goldsmith. “When Miss LaBelle approached us to sell her pies in our stores, we were definitely eager, as they are delicious, but we would have never consented had we known, fully, what they contained.”

LaBelle, for her part, seems to be unconcerned with the development, and says she has “no idea” why folks are getting so upset.

“I’ve been making my pies the same way for nearly 40 years, and it has always included a little fetal blood when I bake it,” said LaBelle. “It helps to give it a little extra kick, and makes the pie come out a nice, golden brown, with just some hints of reds and oranges in there. It’s an additive, not a main ingredient.”

Regardless of the ingredients, people are still flocking to their local Wal-Mart stores to purchase the pies, although most are still finding them out of stock.

“I’ve only been able to get my hands on one pie in the last 2 months since they became a hot commodity, and I had to pay 3 times the normal amount to a guy who was carrying one out of the store,” said sweet potato fan Mark Jones. “I honestly don’t care that they contain fetal blood – have you tried these damn things? They’re addicting as hell!

The FDA says that the “trace amounts” of discarded fetal blood that is in the pies is not enough to trigger a recall, and that the pies are approved for continued sale.

Kansas Fetus Hoping Abortion Legalized Before It Reaches Third Trimester

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KANSAS CITY, Missouri – 

A Kansas City fetus is optimistic that the state will legalize 2nd trimester abortion before it reaches its 3rd trimester. Kansas currently outlaws the dilation and evacuation (d & c) procedure necessary to abort a pregnancy in the stages in which the fetus is already developed. But there is no indication that changes to the law will come into effect within the next three months.

“Look, being born would not be the worst thing that could happen,” the not-yet-alive being told reporters. “Well, actually it is. Born becomes infant, becomes being who feels immense physical and emotional pain. I don’t wanna go through it. And I don’t have to!”

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The fetus’s mother says she is a law-abiding citizen and, although she does not want this baby, she will go through with it if she can find no legal way out, and raise it as her own – which it technically is.

“I’ll have the little bugger. I can take care of it. Yes, I won’t be the most attentive mother, and it’ll grow up maladapted, but what can ya do?”

The ‘little bugger’ asserted that its plan b is to convince its mother to commit the crime so that “I don’t have to do the time. It’s not fair! It’s just not fair! I’m going to campaign, and get other fetuses on my side, and start a petition even. I’m doing everything I can to stop my life from happening.”

Pro-choice activists have been swift to join the fetus’s cause, hoping that this will serve as an example for further legislation.

“It’s usually the mothers who we’re working with, even though we’re doing what we do for those poor unborn babies. Now we have the true victim with us, we know we can win this one.”

Kansas legislators, however, show no signs of backing down. They say that, because the fetus is not yet legally an adult, its opinion does not count, and that “if we give it this, we’re eventually gonna have to let them vote.”

Caitlyn Jenner To Have Fetus Surgically Implanted

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

In an exclusive interview with Newsmonth Magazine last week, Caitlyn Jenner says that she is interested in taking the next step in becoming a woman. Although Jenner has clearly undertaken several surgeries to change the look of her face, she has reportedly stopped short of some of the “larger” surgeries one would undergo to fully transition from man to woman. Apparently, though, this hasn’t stopped Jenner from jumping a few steps, and going straight into surgical implantation of a fetus.

“I don’t know where they’re putting it just yet,” said Jenner to Newsmonth. “There are some scientific things to work out, and there are some biological things that we’re working out, but at my age and with my birth-assigned gender, going through a surgery to have a fetus implanted is the only way I can become a mom.”

“I have no idea why Dad…Mom…Caitlyn…I have no idea why the person formally known as Bruce Jenner would want to go through a pregnancy, or whatever this would be, at his…her…aw hell, I don’t know what pronoun to use,” said Jenner’s son Joey Jenner. “The hell with it. This entire idea is stupid, every bit of it. I’m okay with Dad becoming a woman; whatever, it’s his…ugh, it’s her life. But this is just stupid. What a health risk.”

Doctors say that there is no logical reason they can’t implant Jenner with a fetus, they just also have to implant a uterus, a bunch of other “internal organ” type things, and possibly a birth canal and a vagina.

“I think that Caitlyn Jenner is a marvel of the modern age,” said Dr. Harris Millstead, Jenner’s surgeon. “Bruce Jenner was an Olympian, and he was on a Wheaties box. Caitlyn Jenner won an ESPY and was on the cover of Vanity Fair. Obviously, Jenner has lived a life more full than anyone in the history of the universe. If she wants a baby, then by the powers of medical science, I will give her a damn baby.”

“Frankly, I wish we could just stop talking about her all together,” said Fred Myers, a random person we questioned on the street. “Who cares? Why is Jenner a hero for doing with thousands and thousands of other people did before her? Why is she winning awards for ‘courage’ when she hasn’t done anything courageous? Oh, because her PR team worked out a deal with ABC and ESPN for her to get that award on TV. That’s right. Just like everything else in Hollywood, Caitlyn Jenner is all about packaging herself. This will make for a great episode of I Am Caitlin, that’s obvious.”

Truer words were never spoken.

 

 

Bodies Of Over 300 Babies Found In Arizona Landfill

GREASEWOOD, Arizona – bodies of over 300 babies found in arizona landfill

The small town of Greasewood in northeastern Arizona has been shaken to its core this morning, after news broke that a local planned parenthood facility had been illegally dumping late-term aborted fetuses in the city’s landfill, which borders the clinic property.

Police were called to the Dayglo Planned Parenthood Clinic after workers on a nearby construction site saw clinic workers bringing small, plastic bags out into the yard several times a day and burying them in the trash and dirt.

“At first we thought it was just their regular trash,” said Aaron Shaw, an employee of Marshall Construction, the company working on the building next to Dayglo. “After awhile, we realized that almost every time a girl went in the front door, a small plastic package came out the back. It didn’t take much after that to put the pieces together.”

Medical examiners and police officials have been exhuming the remains of what has already been calculated is at least 300 babies since early this morning, and estimates are that there may be as many as 500 bodies buried in the landfill.

“This is truly the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in all my years on the force,” said José Orfebre, captain of the Greasewood Police Department. “I came here with my family when I was just a little boy, and I thought I’d seen the last of this kind of sickness when I left Mexico. It’s really just disgusting what these people have done.”

Arizona has laws preventing late-term, third-trimester abortions, but as is the case in many other states, there are unscrupulous doctors who will knowingly endanger their patients for the right amount of money. Greasewood is a small town, with a population of only about 600 people. Investigators have determined that women and girls from the surrounding towns were going to Dayglo after word spread that they would perform the abortions, no questions asked, for $300 cash.

“I was just performing a necessary service for these women,” said Dr. Michael Smith. “I had a girl come to me several years ago who had tried to literally perform an abortion on herself with a coat hanger. She was lucky that she didn’t injure herself worse than she had. At that point, I knew that I had to do something for the girls of Arizona.”

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The search continued Saturday afternoon through the Greasewood, AZ landfill for more remains of babies aborted at the Dayglo Clinic

Police arrested Dr. Smith and three other people from the Dayglo clinic, including two nurses and a receptionist. All four people are considered to have had first-hand knowledge of the illegal procedures being performed.

Authorities believe, based on the decomposition of several of the bodies pulled from that landfill, that Dr. Smith had been performing abortions illegally at his clinic for at least 6 years. He is being charged with medical malpractice and felonious abortion.

 

Unborn Baby Becomes Pregnant While Still Inside The Womb

PORTLAND, Oregon –  Empire-News-Unborn-Baby-Becomes-Pregnant-While-Still-In-The-Womb

A pregnant woman in Portland, Oregon was hospitalized this week with extreme stomach pains, and doctors were shocked at what they discovered.

Mary Lambert, who is 8 months pregnant, went to Silverstein Memorial Hospital in Portland when she thought she might be going into labor. Doctors examined her, and initially could not figure out what was causing Lambert’s pain. After an ultrasound to check on her baby, they were taken aback to find that her unborn daughter was also pregnant.

“I have never in my life seen anything like this.” Said Dr. Joseph Goldsmith, a pediatric surgeon at Silverstein. “I don’t think anyone has. This is the first time that an unborn baby has become impregnated. It’s so far beyond rare that we didn’t know it was possible.”

Up until now, the youngest person to ever become pregnant was Lina Medina, a Peruvian girl who was just under 6 years old when she gave birth. Doctors were shocked at Medina’s diagnosis at the time, but it was later discovered that she had entered into Precocious puberty, which is a rare disorder that causes puberty in extremely young children. It won’t be possible to test Lambert’s unborn daughter for Precocious puberty until she is born. Even if she is found to have the rare disorder, it will still make her the youngest person to ever become pregnant.

Lambert and her husband, Carl, are naturally very worried about the safety of their baby.

“Doctors told us it was safe to have sex while I was pregnant. Several of my girlfriends told me that they did, and there were no problems at all.” Said Lambert. “We never thought this would happen. Carl is going to be a dad, and a grandpa all at once? I don’t – I mean, who can understand all this? I just worry that my baby won’t make it. Even if she does, I’m too young to be a grandmother.”

Lambert’s doctors say, unbelievably, that both babies seem to be very healthy. When Lambert gives birth to her baby next month, she will be about 6 months pregnant, and is looking at spending her first several months of life in the hospital as doctors determine how best to handle the situation.

“At this point, we don’t know whether Mary’s daughter will survive if she continues to sustain another life inside her.” Said Goldsmith. “All we know is that this is a very rare, very unusual case, and we are taking it day-by-day. So far, Mary and babies are doing fine.”

 

 

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