Mike Tyson To Get Title Shot This February In Comeback Attempt

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Actor, Author, ex-con, cartoon star, and former heavyweight champion of the world Mike Tyson is getting a comeback title shot next month at the ripe old age of 48. Current champ Wladimir Kitschko is putting his three title belts on the line to fight the aging Tyson in what will be sure to be a major pay-for-view event for fans, as well as a big payday for both fighters.

“I mean who the hell is Wladimir Kits…Kitsco…kitty cats, anyway?” asked Mike Tyson to a room of reporters trying desperately to stifle their laughs. ”I had to Google it, ’cause I had no idea who this chump champ was. Boxing needs me, ain’t nobody have to Google Mike Tyson. I’ve got the most recognizable face in sports, maybe the world, and that was even before the face tattoo. I still got it. Shit, I’m not even training for this one. Just watch. I’ll knock his ass down in one punch.”

Insider reports say that the fight could net Tyson a near $5 million payday, win or lose.

“Yeah, you know, I don’t even wanna fight that bad. It’s not that I can’t, I just don’t care. But I do care about that money, baby,” said Tyson. “I need to make it now, and not piss it all away like last time. That cartoon show money isn’t going to come rolling in forever.”

”My man Iron Mike is back, and the world of boxing has suffered in his absence,” said legendary boxing promoter Don King. “No one cares about boxing anymore, all you hear about is the mixed martial arts. It’s sad when two men hugging each other on a mat is more popular than boxing. That’s why me and Mike have come out of retirement. Don’t listen to Mike when he says it’s for the money – heck, after my 70% off the top he won’t have much left anyway. This fight, it’s about pride in the sport. Pride in America. It’s about showing age is just a number and you’re never to old to achieve your dreams. And yeah, okay, it’s about the money too.”

Best Buy CEO Says Black Friday Sales Went Well, ‘Only 47 Deaths This Year’

Posted on November 29, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHFIELD, Minnesota –

Best Buy CEO Hubert Joly spoke to the press this morning about the company’s huge Black Friday numbers, and how 2014 turned out to be one of the best the company has seen in years.

“We had so many great deals this year,” said Joly, beginning his speech. “We had sales on all the hottest electronics, and we even had a 50″ TV with a better price than Wal-Mart had. It was just a wonderful day, and we are very thankful that our over 140,000 employees generously gave up their Thanksgiving holiday with families to come to work and shill for our items.”

Joly said that throughout the company’s almost 1200 stores, they were able to get almost everyone the product they were looking for, and at an unbeatable price.

“Thankfully, we had a pretty full warehouse leading into this season,” said Joly. “We had almost enough TVs, computers, and iPads for everyone. We only had 47 deaths this year, which is down from the 60-plus we’ve seen in previous years. All these people, all those crowds, all the trampling and fisticuffs, things are bound to happen sometimes.”

Generally speaking, there are fights, violence, and crowds so large that people are trampled, and often injured or killed, every year during Black Friday sales events. Joly says that it’s just ‘part of doing business,’ and one of the things that makes Black Friday exciting for the customers is the fact that they could not make it home.

“Places like Wal-Mart, they do a one-hour guarantee now, so you can be first in line or 2,000th in line, but if you’re there in the first hour, you’ll be getting your product. Maybe not right away, but you’ll get it at the sale price, and they’ll ship it,” said Joly. “We’re big, but we’re not Wal-Mart big, so stores like us, Target, K-Mart, Sears – we get to police our customers on our own. Just like the real police, though, we can’t always control the riots that ensue.”

Joly said that next year, they’re shooting to only have 20-30 deaths, and by 2020, they should be down to less than five.

“I don’t see it ever reaching zero deaths. I mean, even if the customers all behaved rationally and like normal people, we still expect at least 2 or 3 employees to die off from overwork,” said Joly. “Not that I ever have done it myself, but I imagine those 15-20 hour Black Friday shifts are horrible!”

Bellator MMA To Produce Celebrity Fight Tournament Series For SpikeTV

Posted on November 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEWPORT BEACH, California –

Bellator MMA, the country’s second-largest mixed martial arts promotion, announced today that they would be putting together a celebrity tournament featuring some major names in Hollywood. They are hoping to use these fights to increase their television ratings, as well as bring more notice to their fighters and promotion as a whole.

Founder Bjorn Rebney started Bellator MMA in 2008 as the Bellator Fighting Championship (Bellator is latin for “warrior”) as a competitor to the uber-popular UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, which has been televising MMA fights since 1993. In the last several years, Bellator has slowly gained almost a cult-following of fans, who closely follow their 8-man tournaments, which are set up as a counter-action to the individual one-off fights presented by the UFC.

Rebney announced the new event from the company’s headquarters in Newport Beach, California.

“It is with great pleasure that I announce the new incarnation of Bellator MMA with our Celebrity Fights Tournament!” Said Rebney during his press conference. “We are very excited to work with our group of stars, to help train them, and get them ring-ready to beat the living hell out of each other.”

The announced celebrities that have already signed on the dotted line for the fights include Academy Award winning actors Matt Damon and Edward Norton, Danny DeVito, cult film director Kevin Smith, pop-star Justin Timberlake, pussy-boy Michael Cera, every woman’s masturbatory fantasy Channing Tatum, and for some bizarre reason, 90s rapper Coolio.

The tournament will take place in mid-January, and will be televised on SpikeTV in the U.S. and CTV in Canada. Bellator’s normal rules will apply, as each celebrity is paired off against another in an 8-man bi-weekly staggered tournament, which will be compromised of three, 5-minute rounds each. The winner will be given $100,000 for his favorite charity and, like any Bellator tournament winner, will be able to challenge current champion Vitaly Minakov of Russia. Minakov has been the Bellator heavyweight champion since November of 2013, and is expected to completely destroy any of the celebrities who may challenge him, especially Danny DeVito.

So far, a few of the celebrities have already been seen in gyms bulking up for their fight, including Edward Norton, who is looking to put back on all the American History X muscle and defeat Cera, who has been selected as his opponent for the first round.

“I know that I can beat him right to the ground. Who hasn’t wanted to punch Michael Cera in the face on more than one occasion? Jesus, did you guys see Year One? He deserves to be beaten into oblivion for making bad movies,” said Norton, apparently forgetting he starred in The Incredible Hulk.

Bellator MMA is said to already be seeking fighters for their next celebrity tournament, and has reportedly reached out to funny man Seth Rogen, Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston, and Star Wars creator George Lucas. So far, no one else has signed-on officially, but speculation is high that everyone will be on board.

Teen Hospitalized After ‘iPhone vs. Android’ Argument Leads To Physical Altercation

Posted on July 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RENO, Nevada –

One teen is hospitalized and listed as being in critical condition, and another faces criminal charges in an assault case police are saying was caused by the “stupidest argument” they’ve ever seen.

Christopher Ramos, 17, was taken to St. Mary’s Regional Medical Center yesterday after an argument with Joseph Goldsmith, 16, over whether the iPhone or the new Samsung Galaxy S5 was the better phone. The argument happened during a house party at Goldsmith’s apartment.

“Chris was saying that his Galaxy was way better than my iPhone.” Said Goldsmith to Reno police. “At first I just laughed off how wrong he was, but he kept at it, talking about the better camera, the better battery life, the better apps, the better everything, and after awhile, I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

According to witnesses at the scene, Goldsmith jumped on Ramos and began punching him in the face, neck, and body, and eventually switched to hitting him over the head with his cell phone.

“I think if hadn’t put his phone into one of those heavy-duty LifeProof cases, it would have just shattered after the first or second hit.” Said Aaron Silver, a witness at the party. “Because he was protecting his flimsy phone, he was able to keep hitting him and hitting him. Man, I tell you, that case really did its job. [Ramos] ended up unconscious after a couple minutes. I filmed it all on my phone so I could share it on YouTube, but the cops confiscated it.”

The arguments on the internet have raged for years over which company produced better equipment, Apple with their iPhones and their dedicated Apple iOS, or the multitude of manufacturers that produce phones for Google’s Android operating system. With Samsung becoming the number-one seller of Android devices, their battles with Apple have only heated over the years. This is the first recorded case of the internet nerd-rage battle spilling into an actual assault.

“We have never seen anything so stupid as these bunch of nerds beating each other up over who has the bigger technological d—. Seriously, it’s just stupid.” Said veteran police officer Julian Lowe. “They weren’t drunk or high, there was nothing else going on. It was just a birthday party that got out of hand thanks to technology. That’s what crime has come to these days.”

Goldsmith was arrested and charged with 1st degree assault, assault with a deadly weapon, and battery. The original charges also included attempted murder, but lawyers were able to remove that charge. Goldsmith was released on bail and is due in court in August.