Liam Neeson To Co-Star With Denzel Washington In ‘Pulp Fiction’ Remake Directed By Martin Scorsese

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

UNIVERSAL CITY, California –

Ronald Meyer, COO of Universal Pictures, announced yesterday that silver screen tough guys Liam Neeson and Denzel Washington have both signed on for the highly anticipated remake of Pulp Fiction, to be directed by the legendary Martin Scorsese.

“I am extremely excited to finally make the news official. The idea, actually pitch by original director Quentin Tarantino, was sort of a joke turned into a stroke of mad genius,” Meyer said. “Quentin called me one day after we had been out for drinks, and said ‘I was joking when I said it, but imagine, Scorsese, Liam Neeson and Denzel, it’d be freaking gold!’ he shouted through the phone. Together we sort of manifested this beast of an idea, and low and behold, they all loved it and wanted to do it.”

Tarantino, who will act as an Executive Producer, was held responsible for calling and recruiting Neeson. “It was nerve- wracking, calling Liam. He is always interesting, though. So I called the guy, and he sounded pissed, a scary calm, but super angry kind of voice, ya know? He said ‘Look, you little freak, I don’t want to be in your little movie. I will never play opposite Denzel Washington. In fact, if you call here again, I will find you, and I will kill you.’ I sat there silent, debating whether or not to hang up the phone for like 30 seconds, trembling, and then he burst out laughing. “Gotcha good, Quentin! Hell yes, I would love to do it!’ I was like a little kid in a candy store after that,” Tarantino said. “My job is done, so now I can sit back and enjoy the ride.”

The remaining casting has not been completed according to Meyer. “We are probably looking at winter of 2016 mega-release. It will be huge,” he said.

Shock-Rocker Marilyn Manson Reveals He Was Adopted, Says Nicolas Cage Is Biological Brother

Posted on January 31, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

HOLLYWOOD, California –

During a shockingly candid fact-filled interview on WEMP-FM radio in Smithdale, Caifornia, 46-year-old shock-rock superstar and part-time actor Marilyn Manson, aka Brian Hugh Warner, revealed to host Metal Mike Monroe that he was adopted at the age of two from August and Joy Coppola, who are the parents of actor Nicolas Cage (born Nicolas Coppola) also making him the nephew of legendary movie director Francis Ford Coppola.

Manson shared personal and intimate details behind the adoption.

“There was just too much talent in the family. August Ford Coppola, my biological father, was a professor of literature, and my biological mother, Joy, was a highly regarded and respected dancer and choreographer. Nick was five years older than me, and already was showing the ability and talent of a gifted actor by the time I was born,” Manson explained.

Nicolas Cage changed his last name from Coppola to Cage at an early age to avoid the appearance of nepotism, being that his uncle Francis Ford Coppola was already a legend in the Hollywood circuit.

Manson said that he became an uncontrollably evil, girl-crazed hellion when he was in his terrible-twos, and the Coppolas simply could not contain his wild streak.

“The day I turned two-years-old, my parents threw a party for me and I had got into the fridge and got one of August’s beers, and before anyone noticed, I drank the whole thing, then ran around the house ripping the diapers off of all the other toddlers at the party. All the other the parents watched the scene in shocked horror,” Manson stated. “So eventually I was adopted by the Warner family, and kept away from society most of my childhood due to my inappropriate youthful behavior – which I never grew out of by the way.”

Actor Jake Gyllenhaal To Spend Six Months In Prison Voluntarily To Research For Role As Inmate

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Actor Jake Gyllenhaal, known for his extensive research when preparing to portray a character, is at it again. The 34-year-old actor, who rode with third shift LAPD street cops for six months to study for his role in the 2012 drama End of Watch, lost an almost dangerous amount of weight for his role as a frail journalist in the recent sleeper hit Nightcrawler.

Apparently Gyllenhaal has taken method acting to new heights once more, as he has packed on over fifty pounds of muscle for his role as a professional boxer in the movie Southpaw, and has been granted access by warden Connie Gipson to spend six months at the notoriously violent maximum-security California State Prison known as Corcoran for his role in another new film, The Crimson Shadow.

Gyllenhaal is often referred to as one the hardest working actors in Hollywood when it comes to preparing for a role, and according to several filmmakers, he’s extremely involved in becoming his character as much as possible.

“It was Jake’s idea to spend time on the inside as a real inmate. I told him he was crazy and that they would never allow it, nor would we want him to try something so absurd,” said Crimson director Martin Scorsese. “But he went to Corcoran warden Connie Gipson, and somehow convinced her to let him spend six months just as a real prisoner would – no special treatment or anything. That boy is something else.”

Corcoran prison is known for its violent history and for housing one of the most notorious inmates of all time, Charles Manson. According to Scorsese, Gyllenhaal has also been granted the opportunity to have several meetings with Manson.

“I’m serious, Jake is hardcore. He’s going to have meetings with Charles Manson so he can get inside the mind of a killer, a criminal,” said Southpaw director Antoine Fuqua. “He actually went out and filmed car crashes and robberies when he was preparing for his role in Nightcrawler. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if he was having sex with cowboys when he was making Brokeback Mountain, because that’s how goddamn method that guy is.”

Southpaw is scheduled for release in late 2015. Scorsese says that The Crimson Shadow begins filming as soon as Gyllenhaal is ‘released’.

Two Arrested In Thwarted Attack On Movie Theatre Playing ‘The Interview’

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DULUTH, Minnesota –

Authorities in Duluth, Minnesota have arrested two men in connection with an attempted attack on a movie theatre playing controversial Seth Rogen film The Interview on Christmas day.

The men, whose names have not been released publicly, are thought by police to possibly be terrorists from North Korea, who had plans on detonating explosives during the showing of the film at a small art house movie theatre. According to reports, quick action from a theatre employee ‘saved the day.’

“A theatre usher, whose job it was to tear the tickets of patrons going in to see the films, thwarted what could have been a real disaster,” said Duluth police chief Joe Goldsmith. “His dedication to his job, and to performing his duties, has saved lives today.”

“It wasn’t really that big of a deal,” said Adam Scott, theatre usher. “These two guys came in to see The Interview, and they were carrying bags from the grocery store across the street. We don’t allow outside food into the theatre, so I told them they’d have to go leave it in their car, just like I’ve told hundreds of other people in the 2 years I’ve worked here.”

According to Chief Goldsmith, the two men were actually carrying homemade explosives in the bags, with plans to destroy the theatre during the show.

“The two men became very agitated when I told them that they couldn’t bring the bags into the theatre, because as I tried explaining, we don’t allow food that isn’t bought at our concession stand into the auditoriums. They didn’t seem to understand what I was saying at all, and I didn’t understand them, either,” explained Scott. “They ended up storming out of the building. It’s actually not that uncommon to have people get mad when you tell them ‘no outside food or drink.'”

Goldsmith says the two men were arrested shortly afterwards, when a police officer noticed the explosives in the backseat of their car during a routine traffic stop. “They ran a red light leaving the movie theatre plaza,” said Goldsmith. “It was all over for them very quickly, despite their intentions.”

“I kind of feel bad for them,” said Scott. “Obviously, these guys were total morons. I can’t believe North Korea is even considered a threat at all if these are the kinds of ‘genius’ minds they’ve got over there. They were the only two people who’d bought tickets to the film all day. I think most people who want to see it will watch from home. Hell, I can see it for free at my work, and I still just illegally downloaded it. It’s almost kind of ironic to try to blow up a movie that’s going to be such a huge bomb on its own.”

The Interview is now showing at select theatres throughout the U.S. The film is also available for purchase On-Demand via YouTube, Google Play, XBox One, or for free through your favorite movie pirating website.

Christian Groups Outraged By New ‘Star Wars’ Trailer, Plan National Boycott Upon Release

Posted on November 30, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Christian groups and religious families have been publicly shunning the new Star Wars movie, and it doesn’t even hit theatres for over a year. Many devout, religious people are complaining that a single, quick image from the trailer is proof that the movie’s director, J.J. Abrams, as well franchise owners Disney, are out to promote the worship of Satan.

“It’s disgusting, truly an outrage,” said Peggy Lewis, a member of the group Christians Against Everything. “Did you see the filth they’re portraying in that commercial? It’s bad enough that they’re enticing kids with ‘the dark side’ and violence, but one of the characters in the movie is carrying an inverted cross as a weapon. And it’s a fiery red! The movie promotes Hell and Satan!”

In the film’s trailer, a Sith is seen carrying a lightsaber, the popular weapon of choice for the Jedi characters as well as their rivals, with “spokes” that come out of either side of the handle.

“I mean come on,” said Richard Sweat, co-founder of the religious group Christians United, Never Torn, an extremely religious group of parents who help to promote Jesus and the gospel through family film and music. “It’s clearly Satanic imagery. As it is, lightsabers were always extremely phallic, and as we all know anything long and phallic is automatically gay. Now the lightsabers are gay and anti-God! There will be a massive boycott of this film from every good Christian in American when it comes out.”

“I have no idea what the big deal is,” said Abrams, director of blockbuster films such as Star Trek and Super 8. “Disney isn’t really known for being anti-Christian, and there’s no way that they’d allow that sort of imagery into the movie. Perhaps people should wait and see [the movie] before they make judgements on whether it’s good, bad, Satanic, gay, or whatever. Yes, we’ve got new characters, and yes they have new weapons. Yes, we’ve got a black storm trooper. My God, everyone – it was a teaser trailer. Just wait and see what happens!”

Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens is scheduled for release in December, 2015.

‘Ghost Hunters’ Capture Real Ghost On Film While Shooting Episode

Posted on November 10, 2014 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Sy-Fi channel’s Ghost Hunters claim they have finally captured a real ghost on film, and the channel plans to air a special episode on Thanksgiving Day. Executives at Sy-Fi hope this will be the most watched hour in television history.

“It’s amazing, and truly terrifying. We were filming at a Civil War battleground site, and we actually saw and caught a ghost on film. It wasn’t just a noise, and it wasn’t just us playing things up for the camera like normal,” said Jason Hawes, paranormal specialist and star of Ghost Hunters. ”I’ll be honest with you – the show has always been fake, of course. We never find anything real. It’s TV for crying out loud. The way it usually goes is Grant or Steve say in a scared voice, ‘did you see that?!’ or ‘did you hear that?!’ and then we all act scared, but it’s just for show. Not this time, though.”

“I was scared as hell. I’m not going to lie – I pissed myself when I saw it. All this time ‘hunting’ for ghosts, we’d never seen a thing. 10 years of filming episodes; neither us nor our viewers seeing anything but night vision images of ‘spooky’ locations,” said Grant Wilson, co-founder of TAPS. “That’s half the reason I left the show in the first place. I am so glad I came back for this hunt. This changes it all. When this airs, people all over the world will stare in awe. It’s not any trickery, it’s not CGI. This was an honest-to-goodness, no bullshit ghost.”

“Now that I’ve seen a real ghost, I’m done, I’m never doing this again, it was fun when it was fake, but now forget about it,” said Hawes. “I’m going back to Kansas to work in my Dad’s Hardware store.”

”Ghost Hunters have filmed a real ghost, trust me, I saw it a couple of days ago and I haven’t slept since,” said Sy-Fi Channel executive Mark McGoldrick. “I can promise you, this will change the world as we know it. We now have proof of an afterlife, and of a spirit world. Do you have any idea what that will do for our ratings?!”

Disney to Make Han Solo Completely Computer Generated in Star Wars: Episode VII

Posted on August 27, 2014 by carriesnotscary

LOS ANGELES, California –

Due to scheduling delays on production of Disney’s Star Wars: Episode VII, Harrison Ford’s iconic snarky character, Han Solo, will be completely computer generated in the film. Ford injured his leg during production back in June, and the actor has yet to fully recover. Disney execs revealed the bittersweet news at a press conference yesterday.

“We tried the best we could to accommodate Ford’s injury when it came to filming,” director J.J. Abrams said. “But the truth is, [Ford] is really old, and it takes a long time for old people to heal. I think that he is nearing in on 100 years old already, and our fans absolutely cannot wait for one extra day, hour, or minute after December 18, 2015 when film is scheduled to be released.”

Solo’s CGI form will be the first of its kind—groundbreaking human-mimicking technique that transcends motion capture. “It’s looking way better than Jar Jar,” Abrams commented. “We are very excited to introduce CGI Han to Star Wars fans. They’re gonna love it even more than they loved General Grievous.”

“We were half tempted to use CGI on all the original characters,” said an anonymous Disney executive. “We have the money. We can easily replicate all of them, and make them look years younger. Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher – these people are ancient. No one wants to see Luke battle Darth Vader using a walker, do they? Once people see the textures, the realism on [Ford’s] Han Solo character, they’ll be blown away. I mean hell, it’s not like 98% of these movies aren’t computer generated already, anyway.”

When asked to comment, Ford said, “I broke my leg.”

Accord to Disney, Ford will still provide the voice of Han Solo, unless he breaks something in and/or around his mouth. He is set to return again in the next installment of the much anticipated Star Wars franchise, assuming he hasn’t yet died of old age by the time filming begins.

When reached for comment, Mark Hamill, who is making his return as Luke Skywalker in the film, said that he, too, hoped he would still be alive for the next installment.

“I’m nowhere near as old as [Ford], but in Hollywood each day can be your last, lest they cast you off into obscurity,” said Hamill. “I remember my last relevant day in this city. I think it was sometime in 1987. Ah, no matter, I’m coming back strong thanks to Disney!”

While tickets are not on sale yet, Disney would like you to mark your calendar for this exciting new technology, in theaters December 18, 2015. If you do not have a calendar, Disney would like you to get one, especially if you can manage to find one with Simba or Buzz and Woody on it, so you can mark the release date on that one, even if you don’t particularly care about Star Wars