Warner Bros. Studio Announces ‘Harry Potter’ Remake Slated For 2017

harrypotter

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Warner Bros. Studios, the company behind the mega-franchise Harry Potter films, has announced today that they are working on a remake of the series, with the first film already scheduled for release in 2017.

“We started realizing awhile ago that we would never have another series as big as Harry Potter,” said WB CEO Bruce Landon. “With companies like Sony remaking Spider-Man less than 10 years after their original film, we knew that Harry Potter could easily be re-made, as it has been nearly 15 years since the first film. People will flock to the theatres. Plus, it’s so much easier to just write a check and get some new movies made than it is to come up with new ideas.”

Writer J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter novels, is reportedly on board with the idea of a remake, and says that an entire new generation of children can discover Hogwarts that way.

“Plus, it will give me several more big, fat checks,” said Rowling. “God knows I don’t have any more good books in me, but I would love to stay the richest woman in England. I think this works.”

Warner Bros. has not yet announced a cast or a director, but the studio says that they have hired screenwriter Alan Ball (American Beauty) to produce a script. Filming is set to begin in April of 2016.

Punk, Metal Legend Glenn Danzig Set To Replace Hugh Jackman as ‘Wolverine’

danzig

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Punk and metal legend Glenn Danzig, co-founder of Misfits and lead singer of the eponymous Danzig, has reportedly signed on the dotted line to take over for hulking actor Hugh Jackman in the role of Wolverine for the upcoming X-Men series of films.

“We are elated to have Mr. Danzig on board for the films,” said Marvel Studios CEO Harvey Dent. “I am, personally, a big fan of Danzig and The Misfits, as are many other people, and we know his built-in fanbase will come running to see him portray the Wolverine character. My favorite song is JuJu Bone. It’s just so catchy. No idea what it’s about, but hell, it’s just great.”

Hugh Jackman, who has played the Wolverine character almost a dozen times in the last 15 years, had decided last year to step down from the role, and was reportedly anxious to make way for Danzig to take over.

“I am so glad that they got Danzig to continue on with the character, and not some nobody like fuckin’ Tom Hardy or something,” said Jackman to Out Of Touch Magazine. “Danzig just looks like Wolverine. Like he’d ‘snikt snikt’ your fucking heart out, ya’ know? He’s even got the jacked build, naturally, to play Wolverine. I had to bulk up for fuckin’ months and let my hair grow, but not Danzig. I think he may have been born for the part.”

Danzig, who turned 60-years-old just this summer, is reportedly ‘raring to go’ for the role, which begins shooting in Atlanta in April, 2016.

“Well, I know one movie I won’t be seeing, and that’s any movie that has Danzig in it,” said current Misfits frontman and former bandmate Jerry Only. “Shame, too. Despite being a man of God, I am a huge fan of violent comic book films. I was looking forward to another film, but I guess that won’t be happening. Danzig won’t get a dime of my Misfits money!”

 

 

Nicolas Cage To Play Role Of Jesus In ‘Passion of the Christ’ Remake

nic cage

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Newmarket Films and 20th Century Fox, the distributors behind the religious blockbuster film The Passion of the Christ, which was written and directed by Mel Gibson, announced this morning that they would be remaking the film with Nicholas Cage set to take the place of original lead Jim Caviezel.

“We are very excited to get started on the remake of Passion,” said Newmarket CEO Joe Goldsmith. “The original film made a name for our company, and the movie went on to be the highest-grossing R-rated film of all time, while also telling the sado-masochistic story of Jesus Christ. We hope that we can capture that lightning in a bottle for the second time, this time with Nicolas Cage.”

Academy Award winner Cage, who as of late has been known for his fantastic films including Ghost Rider, Drive Angry, and Left Behind was cast based almost solely on his work on the latter film.

“We chose Nic because of his work in the religious film Left Behind, in which he was fantastic,” said Goldsmith. “We didn’t even ask him to audition, we just asked him how he felt about growing out his hair and beard. Turns out, he can’t grow a very good beard, so we’ll figure something out, be he was definitely on board in playing our Lord and Savior.”

Cage could not be reached for comment about the role. Reps for the actor say he is “very much” looking forward to the beatings he’s going to have to take for the role, and hopes that people will see it as penance for some of his later films.

Robert Englund Signs On To Reprise Role as Freddy In ‘Nightmare On Elm Street’ Reboot

a-nightmare-on-elm-street-1984-movie-still-robert-englund-as-freddy-kruger

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

The internet has been abuzz this week with news of New Line Cinema’s reboot of the famous Nightmare on Elm Street series, but one common thread among fans was that they desperately wanted to see horror icon Robert Englund return to reprise the role. According to reports coming directly from New Line Cinema, there is reason for fans to rejoice. Englund has reportedly signed on for a 3-picture deal to return to the silver screen as Freddy Krueger.

“We are so glad that Robert will be back to play Freddy,” said New Line CEO Bob Whomever. “In 2010, we made a new Nightmare film starring someone…I don’t even remember who, but the gist is, fans hated it. They hated him, and they wanted Robert back behind the makeup. Thankfully, that’s not even necessary anymore, as Robert is pushing 80 or whatever, and frankly, he looks just like Kruger did even without the makeup. It’s going to be great.”

Fans have already been rabidly posting to social media websites to show their support for New Line’s wise decision in bringing back their star.

“Frankly, I was pretty well bullshit when I saw that they were rebooting the series again,” said horror fan Ricky Shore. “I mean, the remake sucked, and it is best left forgotten. Technically speaking, even the original isn’t that great, but I have fond memories of it, and I don’t need it to be ruined by Hollywood. They’ve fucked up enough of my childhood, thank you very much.”

In a year filled with sequels, reboots, re-hashings, spin-offs, prequels, and TV shows turned cinema staples, it’s no wonder that New Line is cashing in on the only franchise to over make them real studio money.

“We are so excited to get underway with this project,” said Whomever. “We don’t have a script or a story idea or any of that, but it really doesn’t matter. Wes [Craven] isn’t coming back anyway, and he was the real voice of this series, so we’re just going to pump out some shit, and we know you’ll go see it, and we thank you in advance for it.”

“Frankly, I’m just glad to be doing a film that won’t go straight to DVD,” said Englund, 68. “Its been really hard for me to shake my legacy, to ditch that Freddy character. I’ve done hundreds of films, and they’ve all been pretty well useless, except for this series. Thank God for Nightmare, really. It’s kept me feeling important and useful for all these years, and the fans are just perfect. Here’s hoping that we don’t fuck this up, but if we do, blame New Line. It was there stupid idea in the first place.”

Somali Pirate Sues Sony Pictures For Cut Of Profits From ‘Captain Phillips’

Somali Pirate Sue Sony Pictures For Cut Of Profits From ‘Captain Phillips’

 

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The ACLU representing a Somali pirate filed a lawsuit today against Sony Pictures, claiming that their client, Abduwali Muse, never gave his permission for his story to be told in movie, and has never received compensation. Captain Phillips was Sony Pictures 2013 hit, grossing over $218 billion worldwide. 

“How can the American Civil Liberties Union represent a Somali pirate, you ask? The answer is easy – he is being held in a U.S. prison,” said ACLU Lawyer Adam Aarons. “Mr Abduwali Muse, who the story ‘Captain Phillips’ is based on, is serving a 33 year sentence here in the United States. I’ve taken this case on because my client has not seen one dime of the profits of a movie which essentially tells his life story. Corporations need to be taught you can not walk all over the little people. We are asking for $100 million dollars, which upon winning, the ACLU will hold for Muse until he is done serving his 33 year sentence – minus our large cut, of course.”

“The ACLU won’t be happy until they destroy America,” said radio personality Rush Limbaugh. ”They take on the most stupid, inane cases possible. The will do anything for a buck, but this is their lowest moment, representing a murderous pirate against a film studio that, frankly, has had to endure enough these last few months.”

Sony has recently dealt with controversy of their own, after hacked emails leaked detailing sensitive conversations between executives, as well as a threat against the United States being lobbied by North Korea over the studio’s film The Interview. 

“I’m not sure who the ACLU is, really. I only signed the papers because they promised me money in my commissary to buy candy bars and gum,” said Abduwali Muse from inside his prison cell. ”I don’t want to upset anyone, I’m in jail because I’ve done horrible things. I feel guilty because they treat me so well – American Jail is nicer than my village. If you see the ACLU tell them I’m waiting for my candy.”

 

Oscar Ceremony To Add ‘Best Black Actor’ Category; NAACP Calls Academy ‘Racist, Old White Folks’

Oscar Ceremony To Add ‘Best Black Actor’ Category; NAACP Calls Academy 'Racist, Old White Folks'

 

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The February 22nd Academy Awards will have a new category this year, announced very late in the awards season. The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has given into pressure from Hollywood insider groups, and will be adding a ‘Best Black Actor’ awards.  

“This years nominees for Best Black Actor are going to be Ice Cube for Ride Along, Tyler Perry for The Single Mom’s Club, Marlon Wayons for A Haunted House 2 and Jamie Foxx for Annie,” said Academy Chairman Adam Horowitz. ”None of these movies deserve any awards in the slightest, but the Academy does not want to be viewed as ‘racist’ by only nominating white movies and white actors. We’d rather give away an award to someone undeserving that risk riots and looting from any angry blacks watching.”

“I personally picked the nominees, those guys crack me up,” said Reverend Al Sharpton. “This year, they only had time to add in the one award last minute. The good news is, next year there will be 25 additional Black awards, bringing the ceremony to an approximate 6 hours. I feel it’s important to have separate categories, because if everyone was treated equally all the time, I wouldn’t have a job.”

“Aren’t we all just people, can’t we be judge equally?” asked film critic Carmine Classi. ”So there weren’t any great black actors or black movies this year – it happens. With this bullshit happening, I think it’s clear the only racism left in America is the racism Al Sharpton creates.”

“The Academy have always just been racist, old white folks,” said NAACP member Jeremiah Rogers. “Al Sharpton thinks that he’s adding something to the ceremony, but really, he’s segregating it. To be honest, most African-Americans want nothing to do with Al Friggin’ Sharpton. And we sure as hell want nothing to do with winning a ‘black award.'”

 

Studio Admits ‘American Sniper’ Is Propaganda Film; Movie Was Commissioned By U.S. Government

Studio Admits 'American Sniper' Is Propaganda Film; Commissioned By U.S. Government

 

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Warner Bros. Entertainment, in an announcement that surprised no one, admitted Wednesday that their box office hit, American Sniper, was actually a poorly disguised propaganda film commissioned by the US government.

“We don’t see it as shameful to be promoting patriotism in our beloved country,” said CEO Kevin Tsujihara. “Chris Kyle is someone we can be proud of. He was a true American hero, one who was willing to give up all qualms over what is moral and good to mindlessly kill individuals his country told him were the baddies.”

Director Clint Eastwood, however, denied that he knew anything about government intervention.

“Propaganda?” he yelled. “What’s this propaganda?! To have pride in your country is propaganda?! To do what it takes to save the lives of American citizens is propaganda?! Those liberals will be the death of us all!”

According to military sources, conscription to the armed forces has rocketed since the release of the obvious glorification of American interests.

“Since the film’s release, we’ve seen a massive increase in young men and women signing up for the Navy. Millions of people, so that film is working. And it’s not just the poor and aimless who are choosing to fight any longer,” an anonymous source told news outlets. “Privileged rich boys are giving up their lives to do whatever the current authorities have deemed is necessary. It’s a pleasant break from what we’re used to.”

While President Obama, along with other Democrat leaders, has distanced himself from reports on government involvement, certain Republicans have come out in defense and praise of the film that received six Oscar nominations.

“In all my years,” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, breathing heavily. “In all my years, I’ve never heard such anti-patriotism as is coming from the liberal left. American Sniper is itself an all-American victory. What others may call propaganda, I call spreading truth. What’s next? They’ll start calling Uncle Sam propaganda, that’s what’s next!”

Edward Norton Overdoses On Heroin While Researching A Film Role

Edward Norton Overdoses On Heroin While Researching A Film Role

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Famous Hollywood actor Edward Norton was hospitalized this morning after reportedly overdosing on heroin. Norton claims he is researching a role in an upcoming film in which he plays an heroin addict.

When I take on a role, I take it all the way,” said Norton. “For Fight Club I learned to fight; I even went to bars and picked fights with guys just to get experience. For American History X, I bulked up and joined a skinhead group all in the name of research. Now that I’m going to play an heroin addict, it should come as no surprise to people that I started using heroin, only for research of course. I didn’t mean to overdose, but I guess thats part of the learning curve of being an addict. I’ve got to say, heroin is really, really good. I guess that’s how I ended up using too much, in the name of research. I want to thank all my fans for their well wishes and I’ll be alright once I get out of the hospital, so I can continue to research my role some more.”

“I have no idea what he is talking about,” said Norton’s agent, Saul Ruben. ”If there was a movie deal I would know about it. I certainly didn’t get him the deal. I find it a little odd that he’s researching something that no one has heard of. I’ll tell you though – he’s as method as they come. Seriously. For Death To Smoochy, he used to really wear his purple suit around, months at a time, and would only talk to children. He also beat the shit out of Robin Williams on a regular basis, just to keep them hating each other. He’s an extreme actor.”

“His career was in the toilet until Birdman came out last year, and now he’s on the fast track to win an Oscar. I was hoping he was making a comeback,” said movie critic Carmine Classi. ”Maybe he’s on to something, though. Next time my wife catches me cheating, I’ll tell her I’m researching infidelity.”

 

‘Sleepless In Seattle’ Remake Announced Starring Colin Hanks And Meg Ryan

 ‘Sleepless In Seattle’ Remake Announced Starring Colin Hanks And Meg Ryan

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Miramax announced today a remake or the 1993 hit film Sleepless in Seattle, and Meg Ryan has already signed on to the project. Filming is expected to begin in early spring.

“We are excited to remake Sleepless, and add in a little modern day twist,” said Louis DeCarlo, Miramax Executive. ”Meg Ryan will be playing her original role as Annie Reed, but now she is a 53-year-old widower. Her daughter, without her knowledge, will sign her up on a cougar dating site. Of the hundreds of replies one will stick out, a 37-year-old man from Seattle, played by Colin Hanks. Thats all I want to give away now, but I can tell you there will be a meeting on top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s day.”

“I’m really excited to make this film over again. To be honest, my phone’s not exactly ringing off the hook anymore with starring roles,” said Meg Ryan. ”In Hollywood, once you lose your looks, all thats left to play is the nosy neighbor or a crazy cat lady. Or I suppose, in this case, a cougar.”

“This is my biggest role yet,” said Colin Hanks, when asked about preparing for the remake. “It’s been hard, sometimes, living in my father’s [Tom Hanks] shadow. This was a big hit for Dad, so I’m really hoping this remake launches my career to the next level.”

“Why don’t they leave classics alone for God’s sake?” said online reviewer and movie buff Carmine Classi. ”I mean, come on – Meg Ryan? I think we would all like to remember her as young, sex, and great jerk-off material. She’s aged worse than a pig in shit, or whatever that metaphor is. I can tell you right now, it ain’t pretty. I’d believe her as a cougar, but I don’t believe Colin Hanks as an interested young man.”

 

meg-ryan-hot
Meg Ryan circa 1993, when the original ‘Sleepless In Seattle’ was released

 

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating ‘Old White Men’ For Oscars

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating 'Old White Men' For Oscars

 

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Some anonymous Oscar voters have decided enough is enough. After being ridiculed by the public for their award choices, many have taken a very bold and surprising stance.

The 2015 Oscar choices have been criticized for pandering to a particular demographic of “Old White Men.” Many in the media assumed there would be some consideration as to whether the voters themselves may be too skewed into the particular demographic. Given today’s politically-correct society, many in the media also assumed the Academy would take the criticism seriously, and may be interested in considering a change of pace. Apparently that not on their agenda.

“Look, you got these people that think they know what making a movie is,” said one voter. “But the reality is that old white men have been making movies a lot longer than other demographics. They know what they are doing. You don’t get mad at Italians for making better Italian food than everyone else, do you? So why get mad at White men just because they’re excelling at what they are good at?”

The group of voters has remained mostly anonymous for quite some time. It was thought that keeping them anonymous keeps the voters from being bribed and swayed. However, a study found that over three quarters of the voters were white, and the median age was over 60 years old. Many believe that there is enough history to show that old white men in anonymous groups that wield power may not be the best idea.

Some are now openly worried about the direction of the Academy, and many are losing hope that there will be a better system anytime soon. The group now seems to have become entrenched, and are backing its members. They also appear to be emboldened by their anonymity.

A second voter summed it up by stating, “We aren’t just random voters. We’re intelligent white men. Who else would you trust to vote on a subjective art than us? We have years of movie-watching experience under our belts. We can’t help it if Clint Eastwood makes the best movies out there. Others simply have to just get better at what they do.”

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