Mom on Welfare Sues School After Being Told Her Daughter Can Only Get ONE Free Lunch a Day

fatttt

BANGOR, Maine – 

Mary Lambert is suing her daughter’s school, Bangor High School in Bangor, Maine, after a cafeteria woman made her cry by explaining she could only have “one free lunch” a day.

Amanda Lambert, 16, gets free lunch at the school due to her mother’s income, but the rules stipulate that she can only have one free meal a day.

“It’s unheard of that Amanda should not be allowed to eat as much as she wants,” said Mary Lambert, 50. “She’s a growing girl, and she needs nutrients. I’m not able to afford good food at home, and the school should be letting her pig out while she’s there. They know I’m poor, that’s why she gets free lunch. Why are they stopping her from eating.”

The school says that it doesn’t matter who the student is, they are on a budget, and students only get one meal a day.

“I understand that Amanda is fat,” said Bangor principal Joyce Mellows. “Like, abnormally fat for a 16-year-old. Perhaps she should be going outside for a walk at lunch, instead of trying to feed her fatty fat fat fat face with extra lunches. Other kids want to eat, too.”

Lambert brought a suit against the school alleging discrimination for not allowing Amanda to eat as much food as she wanted, stating it was because Amanda’s family was “too poor” to afford food that they were being denied food all together.

A lawyer for the school said the case is “stupid,” and something that “only a truly fat individual” could ever come up with.

There’s Something WAY Worse Than TSP In Your Breakfast Cereals – This Is SCARY!

cereal

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For the last several months, a viral article about TSP, or trisodium phosphate, being found in breakfast cereals has been causing a panic among parents and cereal addicts alike. TSP is a food preservative that has been listed as “safe” by the FDA, but is a common ingredient in cleaners such as paint thinner, and worries of sickness and disease are running rampant.

Today it was discovered, though, that there is something exponentially worse than TSP, and it is found in nearly every single breakfast cereal on the market today – especially ones aimed at children.

“We have discovered a new chemical that has been being used by many companies, including Kellog’s, General Mills, and more, in their cereals, that has been slipping past the FDA’s careful watch,” said health professional Dr. Jacob Lambert. “The chemical, commonly referred to in the scientific world as Cn(H2O)n, has been linked to hyperactivity, diabetes, some cancers, sleeplessness, stomach ailments, weight gain, high blood pressure, and elevated triglycerides – which can all be very serious.”

Dr. Lambert said that he first brought the use of the chemical to the attention of the FDA in late 2014, but that they had “no concern” over its use.

“They basically laughed me out of the building, and said that all food manufacturers has been using the Cn(H2O)n for decades, maybe longer,” said Dr. Lambert. “I tried to explain that its longtime use didn’t excuse the fact that it was causing major damage to those who were eating it, and that we were reaching epidemic proportions of people who had become ill from eating it. Obviously the FDA’s real concern is being in the back pocket of Big Cereal, and making money – not in the actual health of those eating the food.”

Dr. Lambert has cautioned parents that “nearly every single cereal” on the shelf today contains the Cn(H2O)n, and that it can be listed on the label under a multitude of names.

 

Pope Francis Caught On Security Camera Stealing Food Placed Out For Homeless

pope

VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis was caught stealing food that had been placed behind the Vatican for homeless last night, causing many to decry him as “evil.”

According to Vatican Police, the footage was retrieved from a security camera system on March 18th, and showed the Pontiff stealing a plate of food that had been donated by local restaurants and left for the city’s homeless. The Pope, when questioned about this act, seemed very shaken.

“I was not stealing it. I have much food available to me. I was merely, um…I wanted them to have a good, hot meal,” said Pope Francis. “I was going to heat it in the holy microwave to make sure that any homeless that ate it would be happy.”

Police are not buying the explanation, but are forced by law, to ignore it completely.

“Unfortunately, there isn’t much we can do here,” said Vatican Police Captain Leonardo DiSuza. “His Holiness is definitely lying, but he is the end-all, be-all here in the city. It’s not like he is going to jail or anything. He won’t even get a slap on the wrist.”

Public opinion of the Pope has so far not been damaged, as most people don’t care at all about the homeless, especially homeless in Rome.

Government Forces Company To Remove The Term ‘Diet’ From All Foods

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Have you had a diet soda recently? We don’t suppose it helped you lose any weight, did it? Of course not. But, the United States government thinks that ‘diet’ has become a word synonymous with losing weight, and has decided to ban it from all food and packaging that shoppers would be exposed to.

“If you go to the store and get a Diet Pepsi, I’d expect, as a normal, everyday kind of guy, that I should be able to drink it and lose weight,” said Mario Lewis, who started a petition with change.org to get the government to remove the label. “I drank a Diet Soda every single day for nearly 20 years. It was my diet plan. All I got from that much diet drink was cancer. I didn’t lose a pound.”

“We agree that something has to change, and so we’ve made the decision to ban the word ‘diet’ from food packaging,” said USDA representative Carl Pooler. “Starting January 1st, ‘diets’ will be a thing of the past. What the new term is, we haven’t decided. We may leave that up to the producer of the specific food.”

This ban comes after similar ones from years past, such as the tobacco industry being forced to remove the term “light” to describe their cigarettes, when those things were still filled with the same amount of rat poison, cow shit, and black death as their “full flavor” counterparts.

 

Harvard Researchers Say Eating Hot Dogs Can Lead To Impotence

dogs

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Harvard University released a startling report over the weekend linking hot dogs to bouts of impotence.

The mega-popular snack, commonly consumed during televised sporting events, BBQs, parties, and all night video game binges, are linked in the report to massive libido disfunction in – curiously – cows, as well as men, who consume the processed meat four times a week or more.

Research for this discovery commenced after mature Guernsey bulls living on the University’s dairy inadvertently consumed two hundred pounds of hot dogs set aside for the school farm’s hogs.

 Doctor Adrian Blondell, an endocrinologist overseeing artificial insemination operations, knew something was wrong when the big fellas didn’t deliver. The collection process which normally drives young bulls crazy made them eventually sit down on the job out of presumed boredom.

“It was absolutely bizarre, dozens of healthy bulls acting like they had been snipped,” Blondell reported.

Alarmed and amazed by the phenomenon, Dr. Blondell ordered immediate analysis of the bulls manure and head-to-tail physicals. All tests indicated a massive drop in testosterone production.

“Anybody that has ever eaten more than a few hot dogs easily recognizes the slimy taste left behind in their mouths,” said Dr. Blondell. “I have theorized that men frequently consume the most hot dogs, so I set out to prove that it was causing issues for them, too.”

Blondell’s fully study will be published in an upcoming journal, but she does recommend that people stop eating hot dogs if they plan on living full, rich, sexual lives.

Cheez-It Crackers Contain Highly Addictive Additive, Many Are Boycotting Product

cheezit

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Cheese lovers are boycotting the popular snack Cheeze-Its due to concerns about the addictive nature of the crackers, as well as some of the ingredients.

Cheez-It brand crackers contain the preservative TBHQ, which is made from butane and is dangerous to consume. BHQ, tertiary butylhydroquinone, is a synthetic antioxidant that is commonly used as a food preservative. TBHQ contains a butyl moiety which some consumers, with no knowledge of chemisty, fear is related to butane.

TBHQ has been banned in Japan, but the FDA and the European Food Safety Authority both classify TBHQ as a safe food additive.

Cheez-It has released a statement on its facebook page, addressing the many consumer concerns.

“Thanks for reaching out. We appreciate you sharing your concerns. These ingredients are antioxidants which prevent the food from spoiling. If you want to eat bad, stale crackers we suggest you find an ‘all-natural’ brand. We pride ourselves in the flavor and freshness of our product and add the least amount of preservatives necessary to keep our cracker from tasting like straight cheesy shit. We know some consumers are unnecessarily paranoid and are looking at a number of natural alternatives to ensure the same flavor and freshness in our foods. Good luck.”

The company maintains that the reason their crackers are so addictive is because “they’re fucking delicious, and everyone loves cheese.”

Man Looses Over 400 Pounds Eating Nothing But Sticks Of Butter

food

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

27-year-old Martin O’Shea lost his parents when he was very young, and grew up in foster care. This, he says, lead to a lifetime of overeating, to the point that on his 24th birthday, he weighed nearly 550 pounds.

“I knew I needed to do something, or I was going to die,” said O’Shea.

Against the better judgement and direction of his doctors, O’Shea said he took to the internet to find remedies for quick weight loss, and tried several over a 2-year period.

“I did Atkins. Paleo. I was a vegetarian. I was exercising as much as I could, and nothing worked,” said O’Shea. “Then I discovered the Blue Bonnet diet.”

O’Shea said he began eating nothing but sticks of butter, sometimes eating as many as 12 or 13 a day, and drinking large gallons of whole milk.

“It worked unbelievably, and here I am, only 12 short months later. I’ve had skin removal surgery and I started being able to go to the gym to tone up, but I’ve lost 390 pounds on the BB diet. All I eat is butter, still. It works amazingly.”

O’Shea has said that he often has fits of vomiting and has to wear a diaper thanks to “loose bowels,” but it’s all worth it to look and feel like “a human being” again.

New TV Show Will Highlight Competitive Dumpster-Diving

dumpster

LOS ANGELES, California – 

A new TV show to air later this year on TLC will highlight competitive dumpster-diving, which has become one of the most “extreme” new sports-slash-competitions in recent years. The series, which has been picked up for one season to start, will be called Garbage Games, and will follow multiple people in their quest to find the most valuable item in their town’s dumpsters and trash cans.

“I got into dumpster diving when I was a kid, because we were poor, and it seemed like a good hobby,” said Mark Ryan, who is featured on the show. “I’ve found everything from extremely valuable paintings to old antique toys to more ‘useful’ things, like unopened packages of food. I think I’ll really have a good leg-up in the Garbage Games.”

TLC president Phil Moss says that he is “extremely excited” for the show to air, and thinks it could be a great competitor to shows like Hoarders.

“I love shows about trash, whether it’s trashy people like Honey Boo-Boo or trash in someone’s home like Hoarders, so I think this show will be great,” said Moss. “I’ve seen the first few episodes, and there are some really, really fun and exciting things that people find in their trash. America will love this show.”

Dr. Pepper Announces Production Halt, Purchase By Coca-Cola

pepper

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

The Coca-Cola Company says that they have purchased the rights to one of their biggest rivals from 7-Up Co., Dr. Pepper. The company says that they have plans to discontinue the product sometime in the summer of 2016, with plans to create their own, offshoot product that is “very similar” in taste to Dr. Pepper.

“After 131 years of quenching Americans thirst, Dr. Pepper will halt production in the Summer of 2016,” said Coca-Cola spokesman Mark Carson. “Though sales have always remained consistent, the 7-Up company can no longer compete with other soda producers using cheaper ingredients, such as ours. Rights to the recipe have been sold to us at Coca-Cola, and we have plans to stop producing the beverage later this year. Following shortly, a new Coca-Cola-branded version of a Dr. Pepper substitute will come out.”

Representatives for Dr. Pepper released a statement saying they were “extremely depressed” by the sale of the beverage recipe, but that they had “no choice” with the offer Coke made. They will continue to market and distribute their other flagship soda, 7-Up.

Red Pistachios Making Comeback After Disappearing From Market Decades Ago

redpistachios

AUSTIN, Texas – 

Red pistachio nuts were extremely common back in the day, when most pistachios were grown in Iran, and dyed to avoid showing defects and dirt in the nuts to consumers. When pistachios began being grown in the United States, and import levels dropped, new standards made it irrelevant to dye the nuts, as they were easily cleaned as less damaged shipping domestically.

All that is changing, though, as a slew of people began clamoring for red pistachios once more. A petition on change.org was signed by over 2 million people, all of whom were desperately looking for that pistachio nostalgia factor.

“Red pistachios were the best pistachios. They left your hands filthy, red dye and shit all over your hands and clothes,” said Roy Lamar, who claims to ‘absolutely love nuts.’ “Man, there was nothing like them. I signed the petition as soon as I saw it. You can take your regular-colored pistachios and stick up your ass.”

America’s pistachio growers say that they don’t at all care what people do to the nuts after they’re harvested, but they refuse to dye them themselves.

“No way are we going to start dying them again,” said Mike Handle, who has been growing pistachios on his farm for nearly 20 years. “That dye was hazardous, nasty, and it completely changed the flavor of the nut. No thanks.”

A small company in Texas, NutBusters, has said that they will purchase large quantities of the nut, and begin dyeing them red once more. They say they expect to have the red pistachios for sale on their website, nutbusters.com, by the beginning of summer.

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