Super Bowl 50 Garners Lowest TV Ratings In Event History

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Nov 11, 2012; Charlotte, NC, USA; Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton (1) is hit as he throws a pass by Denver Broncos defensive end Derek Wolfe (95) and defensive end Robert Ayers (91) in the third quarter at Bank of America Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Super Bowl 50 took place on Sunday evening, and chances are, you didn’t watch it. In the 50 years of the event’s history, and in the 38 that it has been broadcast on television, Sunday’s Super Bowl event garnered the lowest ratings ever. at only 2 million viewers. Normally the event would be seen by nearly 45 million people across the country.

“Basically, we think the two teams that played just weren’t cared about enough for people to watch,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “If the Patriots had been in the game, then people would have watched, if at least just to see them cheat and try and get away with it.”

Normally the show is a ratings powerhouse, if not for the sporting event itself, than for the commercials and halftime show.

“That, too, is dying out, because frankly, these companies release their commercials onto YouTube before the game actually happens, so people have already seen most of them,” said Joe Goldsmith, public relations manager for the NFL. “I have no idea why, since they spend 5 million-plus just to air them during the game. And don’t get me started on the halftime show. I mean, you watch men slamming into each other, rough-and-tumble, hell of a game, and then boom, halftime and we’re watching…Coldplay? I mean, who the hell books these things?”

Goodell says next year he will work hard to make sure teams people care about make it to the Super Bowl.

“Even if I have to come up with new rules or something, whatever I have to do to get real, worthwhile teams and players into the Super Bowl, I’ll do it,” said Goodell.

Football Fan Certain That Referee Biased Against His Team

Football Fan Certain That Referee Biased Against His Team

DENVER, Colorado –

Emerging live from our coverage of the game today, a football fan is certain that the referee is biased against the team he supports. He is sure that the current call, which just went against one of his favorite players, is wrong, and that the referee blatantly favored the opponents.

“It’s clear from the start that he’s a fan of them,” said the man, groaning at another call going against his team. “He’s from wherever their team is from. Probably. That’s why they’re winning – they paid the ref! Why else would they be winning?”

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Despite statistics coming from the game showing that his team have had more calls in their favor than the opponents, the man is nonetheless convinced that that only shows half the picture.

“Yeah, he’s given a few minor decisions for us,” the man said, referring to the team he supports as if he is part of it. “But the important stuff – they get all of it. It’s not fair.”

In a surprise twist, our reporters have discovered a fan of the other team who believes the referee is biased against his team, and is proud to say that they’re winning in spite of it.

“As you say, the majority of his decisions have gone in the other team’s favor,” this fan said, referring to the above mentioned statistic. “Clearly he must come from wherever their team is from. It’s not fair, but we’re good enough to win anyway.”

This fan, who apparently is an expert on body language and facial expressions, as well as psychology and sociology, told us that the way the ref looks at the opponents is with a softer glare than at his team’s members. He also asserted that although he has just learned that the referee is not from his side of town, the home city’s support of a different team must have caused a “reverse psychology sorta thing”, and that the referee’s decisions prove him correct.

At press time, we’ve got the two fans in a room together, arguing it out with impeccable logic and calm rationale.

High School Football Player Cut From The Team After Refusing To Shower With The Coach

High School Football Player Cut From The Team After Refusing To Shower With The Coach

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin

Joe Palemro is in an outrage after he was recently cut from his high school football team. The cut was not due to his grades or playing skills, but rather for something he didn’t feel he had to do. Palemro was an outstanding wide receiver for his school and reportedly had a lot of potential, being the first 14-year-old freshman to ever start on the varsity team.

Unfortunately, his playing days may be behind him, unless he transfers schools. Palemro was cut out of the blue after he refused to take a shower with his coach after practice. He claims that his coach told him that he needed to shower after each practice, but Palemro felt uncomfortable that his coach took showers with the players, and says he would normally wait until he got home to freshen up.

“It was weird, and it always was, and finally I got sick of doing it. I understand that in this sport you need to shower with your teammates, because it builds solidarity and all that, and that’s fine I guess, but we shouldn’t have to do this with our coach. He made the showers after practice mandatory as if it was a part of practice or something,” said Palemro.

The school and coach have not commented on the matter, and have side-stepped the accusations completely. The only comment we got from the school was that they were behind their football coach 100%, and what ever he says goes when it comes to running his team.

“We’d sooner let a young, great player get cut from the team than we would question the tactics of Coach Goldsmith,” said school superintendent Richard Head. “He’s brought this school 11 state championships in 15 years, so he’s kind of a God around here. If showering with the boys is what he does, then showering with the boys is what we’ll let him do.”

Peyton Manning Announces Retirement From NFL

Peyton Manning Announces Retirement From NFL

 

DENVER, Colorado –

A true NFL legend has reported hat he will be calling it quits with his football career. Peyton Manning, the long standing all-star quarterback, has announced he will retire, effective immediately. The star player says he would like to thank everyone who has helped him in his journey.

“I stayed in it for a few more years than I wanted, trying to finish my season with a Super Bowl win, but I realized that I may not have the ability to do that,” said Manning. “I want to go out with some pride. I would love another ring but these young guys are getting better and better, and I just can’t keep up. I’m not Tom Brady, after all.”

The team appears to be supporting Manning on his decision, and the official announcement is that they ‘appreciate the time’ they got to spend with him. Coaches of the team say they are upset with the loss of their quarterback, but tell us they have faith in their team and will find a way to win.

“I’ve had a great career with great people, I won a Super Bowl, broke records, and even got to make pizzas. Not every QB can say the same thing, and I’m grateful to say that I have,” said Manning.

The Denver Broncos have not announced who will be replacing Manning, but sources confirmed that Tim Tebow was called in for a meeting with the organization.

“I cannot confirm or deny the reports that we have met with the Tim Tebow,” said Denver Broncos spokesman Gerald Dyster. “Peyton Manning has announced he would be leaving the team, but that’s all we know right now. He’ll be missed, no doubt, by any true fan of the game. Thankfully, though, we’ve all still got Tom Brady to watch year after year.”

 

 

Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady Announces Retirement, Says NFL ‘Just Not Challenging Anymore’

Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady Announces Retirement, Says NFL 'Just Not Challenging Anymore'

 

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

After leading his team, like a fearless warrior against arrogant showboating thugs, to a come-from-behind victory over the defending Super Bowl champions the Seattle Seahawks last night, four-time Lombardi Trophy winning quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement from the NFL. The announcement came in an unscheduled, private press briefing, which consisted of only six people, including wife Gisele, head coach Bill Belichick, team owner Robert Kraft, and two reporters, at the team’s headquarters in Foxborough.

“While I am greatly honored to have been a key part of this incredible franchise, it is with bittersweet sentiment that I stand before you and announce that I have decided to end my career with a bang,” the fifteen-year NFL veteran said. “The game has just become too easy, it’s just not challenging anymore.  Look at this game film again. As you can see, I threw the two interceptions on purpose just to make the game more exciting. It was kind of like playing a toddler in Madden on XBox, and letting them get a ten-point lead so that the victory seemed more exciting. Today’s players just don’t have the skill-set or passion. When people start accusing you of deflating footballs, there is an issue.”

Brady, who is married to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, completed a Super Bowl record of 37 passes, and threw for 4 touchdowns. He went on to discuss tenative future plans. “Well I think I am going to take some time to relax, enjoy my sexy wife, and eventually pursue a career in modeling to keep busy,” Brady stated confidently.

Belichick, who was standing with his back against the rear wall, stated that coaching Brady was a pleasure, but the team would move on without him happily. “Tom was a great quarterback for this franchise and I love him dearly, but it’s time for him to go. I am glad I had the opportunity to make him who he is. He couldn’t have done it without me.”

 

Division One Athletes To Begin Receiving Annual Salary Based On School’s Revenue

Division One Athletes To Begin Receiving Annual Salary Based On School's Revenue

 

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

The National Collegiate Athletic Association has announced an unprecedented change to its rules, when the organization officially announced today that all division one athletes will be paid a salary based on the revenue created by their respected sports and schools.

The NCAA Labor Revenue Act (NCAA-LRA) will go into effect January 1, 2016. This is huge news for college athletes involved with the top college programs in their sport. For example, basketball players for the University of Kentucky could bring home as much as $50,000 for one season of basketball, according to NCAA-LRA Chairman Bob O’Dell.

“We believe this is a fair arrangement. The top programs, such as Ohio State, Alabama, Kentucky, Louisville, Oregon, and Notre Dame, just to name a few, bring in millions of dollars in revenue every single year based on the performance of their sports programs. This is a new age, and we must give back to the student-athletes what they put in,” O’Dell said.

Many division-1 athletes have fought for years with the belief that they should see some of the money that they help bring in to their respective schools. The University of Louisville basketball program, which is endorsed by ADIDAS, has been the number-one revenue earner for college basketball for several years running. The money earned by the program went straight to the university, used for whatever use it deemed necessary.

Kentucky head coach John Calipari says that it is about time. “We have technically been paying these kids out of our pocket for several years. We appreciate the fact that our boosters and alumni have made sure our basketball players have been driving around in nice cars and sporting bling, but the university itself should have to pay also,” Calipari said. “They make millions, and it’s time they shared the wealth.

 

Canadian Football League Announces Field Color, Length Changes

MONTREAL, Canada – Canadian Football League Announces Field Color, Length Changes

Football fans watching the Canadian Football League games starting in the 2016 season will see a few changes related to the field of play.

CFL officials are citing these changes as “improvements to the game,” and will start with a complete alteration to the size of the playing field – They will be introducing the world’s first and only metric football field. The customary 110-yard long field will change to 110-meters, which is actually just slightly over 120 yards, forcing the players to run the extra distance to score a touchdown.

Other alterations coming to the CFL include a change in the color of the grass from green to magenta, with the lines and markings on the field changing from white to brown. League officials claim the color changes will make the game easier to follow on live television, and will not interfere with various forms of color blindness.

“What a crock of shit these changes are,” said Roger Eh, a former player for the Toronto Toughs. “The changes have nothing to do with the fans. The league has been pissed off at players filing grievances during the off-season regarding the distance they run in an average game.”

CFL officials say that they will stick by their plan to make the game more fun for fans with vision problems, and explained it in a news release with the statement. “The Canadian Institute for the Blind has endorsed these enhancements, and fully support the CFL in leading the way in addressing these issues.”

Former Montreal Muffdivers running back Michael “Frenchy” Gravee agrees with the CFL union, saying the white-on-green combination has always been the recognized standard in the world of football.

“These horrible colors the league is trying to use do nothing more than ‘gay up’ the game. As for these distance changes, clearly the CFL does not want any more records set or broken,” Gravee said, as he currently holds a number of those distance records. “It is a sad day for football when you have to try to figure out where your 30-meter line is, and why the players are on their fourth down with centimeters to go. Who the hell knows anything about centimeters?”

There has not been a statement made by the union representing the CFL officials, although Gravee speculates that “The only blind ones on the field are the officials, and colors aren’t going to fix that.”

Former Patriots, Broncos Cornerback Marquice Cole Overdoses On Marijuana

DENVER, Colorado – Former Patriots, Broncos Cornerback Marquice Cole Overdoses On Marijuana

Controversy arose today in Denver, Colorado, as free agent NFL Cornerback Marquice Cole, formerly of the Denver Broncos, became yet another  documented case of overdose on the drug marijuana.

Marijuana, commonly known by the street name “weed,” was made legal in the state of Colorado in 2012 when Colorado Amendment 64 was passed through the state legislature. On January 1st, 2014, the first legal “weed shops” were opened to much controversy. Since then, several people throughout the state have overdosed from smoking large amounts of the drug, and there are at least 2 confirmed deaths in relation to smoking or eating marijuana.

Cole has stated that he was not a user before the law was passed, but as soon as it became legal and easy to get, it was all he was doing in his off time.

“It’s hard, when you’ve got as much money as us pro-athletes do, not to spend that cash somewhat…unwisely, at certain points,” Said Cole from his hospital room in Benchley Memorial Hospital, just outside Denver. “I bought cars and normal things, but as soon as weed became legal, and people were doing it all the time around me, I started spending my money there. It was crazy how much I was buying.”

Cole stated that a friend first offered him marijuana, and he instantly became hooked, a claim that most people who smoke weed have also reported. Cole says he started visiting multiple dispensaries throughout the day to buy as much as he could, purchasing the legal limit at each shop, as well as spending money on “how-to” books, and materials needed to grow in his own home. He claims that before he overdosed, he was smoking upwards of a pound or more in a day.

“It’s sad, really, that people think you can’t get ‘too high.’ That you can’t overdose. It can happen if you’re smoking enough,” Said Dr. Emmett Brown, who is specialist at Benchley Memorial dealing with drug addictions and overdose cases. “Usually we see cocaine or heroin abuse amongst athletes and celebrities, but there is no doubt that someday the puff-puff-pass could make you end up in the ER.”

“If I had it all to do over again, I would probably cut back a bit,” Says Cole, who is expected to recover from his overdose, albeit with several weeks of physical therapy. “This might have ruined my life. It might have ended my life. It certainly will be putting a huge damper on my career.”

So far, there has been no movement by the Colorado government to repeal the law, despite mounting pressures from activists and anti-marijuana crusaders throughout the state, as well as the rest of the country. Cole himself hopes that his ordeal will make people think twice before getting hooked on marijuana.

“I wish I’d never tried it, honestly,” said Cole in an impassioned speech to reporters and fans. “To any kids out there, just know, that no matter what they say, a drug is a drug – and it can ruin everything.”

As of this writing, no word on whether Cole will face any suspensions or penalties from the NFL.

Tom Brady Admits To Deflating Balls During AFC Championship Game

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts – Tom Brady Admits To Deflating Balls During AFC Championship Game

Star quarterback for the New England Patriots, Tom Brady, who along with his team is under investigation from the NFL for possibly using under-inflated balls during their AFC Championship win over the Indianapolis Colts, admitted this morning that there were a number of balls deflated during the game.

“I’m sorry to say that yes, there were deflated balls during the AFC Championship game,” said Brady during a press conference Friday morning. “We didn’t want to have to admit this, because it’s not something we, as a team, would normally talk about, but in discussing this with the rest of the guys, we have decided to come clean about everything.”

Reporters, who were eager to hear about the sideline events during the Patriots massacre of a 45-7 win over the Colts, were given more info than even they bargained for.

“You see, we don’t have to deflate our footballs to win games,” said Brady. “We are the New England Patriots, and we can dominate everyone. We’re a dynasty. We have been winning games for eons. But yes, we definitely deflated some balls that day.”

“We deflated the balls of every player on the Colts,” explained Brady. “We deflated their balls when we rushed over them. We deflated their balls when every time we made a touchdown, they had to look up at the scoreboards with tears in their eyes. Hell, we deflated the balls of their fans, as they watched us crush their team that, in all honesty, only plays at slightly above the level of a Pee-Wee Football team. Yes, we deflated some balls, that’s for sure. But we certainly didn’t have to deflate any footballs to beat a team in our home.”

Currently, no penalties are being lobbied by the NFL to the New England Patriots over the severe deflating of balls that the Colts team and fans were forced to endure.

 

New England Patriots Tight End Rob Gronkowski To Release Own Line of Erotic Novels, Vodka

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts – New England Patriots' Rob Gronkowski To Release Own Line of Erotic Novels, Vodka, Cat Food

With Rob Gronkowski having his own brand of literary erotica hitting the shelves in 2015, Gronkowski’s agent, Drew Rosenhaus, has been talking with many companies to see what else his client might be best to endorse.

“We are just scratching the surface on the marketability of Rob Gronkowski,” said Rosenhaus. “As he is larger-than-life on the gridiron, we know that he can be larger-than-life in your home, and on your store shelves.”

Speaking on his own behalf, Gronkowski outlined his new product lines outlining all of his favorite products.

Day by day I am working hard on the field, but I need to prepare to party-rock off the field, as well. With the help of Drew, my Mom and Dad, and Bibi Jones, I’ve come up with my own line of goods for all of my biggest fans,” said Gronkowski during a recent press conference. “For example, I know that I’m not the only one that likes to work out and get big, so for all my fans who work out, we have developed Gronky Way ‘Chocolate’ Bars. They contain only whey protein, which has been spray painted brown to resemble candy. It’s what every gym rat will ever need.”

Gronkowski says that he and Rosenhaus were not able to find endorsements for existing products that they felt were “up to the Gronkowski standard,” which is why they decided to create their own line of products.

“You know I couldn’t forget about the ladies, so for those out there who need a little help staying pure, we created Rob Gronkowski Chastity Belts. This also has a double bonus for the Patriot-loving Dads too, you don’t have to worry when a ‘Gronk’ is around your daughters. I don’t recommend buying it in conjunction with my new erotica titles, though.”

Rosenhaus says that many players in all sports would “kill” to have their name on some of the products that he and Gronkowski have developed.

“We also have two household items that we are currently in production,” said Rosenhaus. “Gronk’s Own Cat Food, and Gronky Vodka will be released later this year. The cat food consists of minced fish, plus a little of that Rob Gronkowski smile to keep your cat looking good for the whole year. The vodka will come in several flavors, and is for all those party-rockers at home to have a great time with ‘Gronk’. But please, drink Gronk responsibly.”

With the expected success of Gronkowski merchandise, it’s very possible that fans could see other football-related products hitting the market as well. The Antonio Chromartie Baby Names Book, Manti Te’o’s Dating Advice Column, Adrian Peterson’s Day Care Chains, and Plaxico Burress’ Gun Safety Course are all currently in the works.

 

The planned cover to the first book in the Gronkowsi Erotica Series

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