Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady Quits Team After Argument With Coach Belichick

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

After an argument with New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, quarterback Tom Brady walked out of a team meeting earlier today, packed up his personal belongings, and has shockingly quit the team.

Brady, in his fifteenth NFL season, reportedly got into a heated argument with Belichick just as a pre-Super Bowl team meeting was coming to a close, after the two disagreed on where to take the team out for dinner.

“It all started over where we were going to eat, to celebrate the AFC championship. Coach wanted to go to Benihana’s, and T-Dawg wanted to go to Zanzibar. Things spiraled out of control from there,” defensive tackle Vince Wilfork said. “But it wasn’t just about that. One thing led to another, and then they ended up fighting over which movie we would all go see tomorrow night. Coach wanted to see Into The Woods, and Tom wanted to see American Sniper. That argument is when things got real. T threw up his arms and said ‘I quit, let Jimmy play in the Super Bowl, I’m tired of winning them anyway, been there done that. Have fun.’ He then packed his things and left. It was some crazy shit.”

Tight end Rob Gronkowski said the two had been feuding all season over the smallest things. “It has been like this all season long. Anything they could possibly argue over, they have. One night they argued over the official name of a specific shade of the color blue in our logos, and damn near came to blows. I literally think they are both just sick and tired of winning,” Gronkowski added.

The Patriots, coming off a staggering lopsided victory where they beat the Indianapolis Colts 45-7 in the AFC championship, will take on the reigning Super Bowl champions, the Seattle Seahawks, on February 1st in the Super Bowl.

It’s Official: New York Jets Moving To Los Angeles, Construction Of Los Angeles Stadium Begins

Posted on January 17, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

FLORHAM PARK, New Jersey –

It’s official. Owner, CEO, and Chairman of the New York Jets, Woody Johnson, announced that the franchise will be moving to Los Angeles, California after feuding began between the Jets and the New York Giants regarding the two NFL teams sharing Met Life Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey.

“Ever since this franchise was founded fifty-five years ago, we have never had a home of our own. First we had to share with the Mets, and then the New York Giants. As I stand before you today, it is with great excitement that I make the announcement that beginning next season, the New York Jets will become known as the Los Angeles Jets,” Johnson announced to the crowded room of journalists.

Johnson went on to explain both the conflicts with the Giants, and the state of New York’s politicians refusal to assist the franchise in securing a stadium of their own in New York City.

“As some of you know, there have been many scheduling conflicts between the Giants and our great franchise for years and years,” Johnson said. “As we are known as the New York Jets, we take pride in representing New York, but we could never secure the appropriate funding nor cooperation from the state of New York, to actually have our own stadium built within the state’s borders. We are the New York Jets, not the New Jersey Jets. Quite simply put, we are tired of playing in a stadium, in New Jersey, that we share with another NFL team. It just doesn’t make sense.”

Johnson revealed detailed building plans for the construction of Los Angeles Stadium, and he says the LA planning board is excited to work with the team in order to bring a National Football League franchise to their city.

“Construction on the 82,000 seat Los Angeles Stadium will begin immediately. It is with great honor that we join forces with the great people of Los Angeles, California. It will take about a year for the stadium to be completed, and we have hopes of beginning a new era there in 2016,” said Johnson. “Until then we have been invited by the University of Southern California to play our home games at their historic Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. I’m just glad we don’t have to share a football stadium with those bums in Jersey anymore.”

Cowboys Organization Fined For Sending Referees A ‘Thank You’ Basket After Beating Detroit Lions

Posted on January 13, 2015 by JP

DALLAS, Texas –

America’s team is making national sports news once again, after it was reported that the team is being charged with major fines from the NFL. The Dallas Cowboys pulled what the NFL Commission is calling a ‘cocky stunt’ after their play-off game against the Detroit Lions. The game involved what many people, including die-hard Cowboys haters, one of the worst play calls in sports history.

Referee Pete Morelli was officiating the game, and took back a crucial pass interference flag. If the play was held, the Lions would have been in scoring position, probably winning the game, and moving forward in the playoffs. Because of the call reversal, the Cowboys were put into a better position, and ended up taking the game from the Lions.

Fans speculated that Morelli was being paid off and he helped the Cowboys win the game. Normally, accusations like those happen mostly by big-mouthed internet trolls and random sports anchors, but in the end, fans understand that those are just accusations, or sports-related conspiracy theories.

In this case, though, referee Pete Morelli received a ‘Thank You’ basket, put together and sent by the Dallas Cowboys management. The gifts were said to be very expensive, including a gold and diamond watch, a 120-year-old bottle of bourbon, a cruise for 2 to the Bahamas, and the keys to a brand new Tesla Model S. A card that came with the items simply read “Thanks for giving us the game. We definitely couldn’t have done it without you. Love, Dallas.”

Morelli’s lawyer suggested he hand the gifts over to the NFL commission to avoid any chance of reprimand from the NFL. He did so, and the commission is investigating the incident, with possible major fines being levied on the Dallas owners.

New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady To Pose Nude For Playgirl Magazine

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SACRAMENTO, California –

Tom Brady’s wife Gisele apparently isn’t the only model in the family. In a press release from Brady’s publicist, Antionette McCandless, it was announced that the superstar quarterback will pose fully nude in Playgirl Magazine.

“Both Tom and Gisele are very excited about his upcoming shoot,” McCandless said. “Year after year, he has been voted by female fans of the NFL as the sexiest athlete in the world. He is really going for it here, and is going to show the world all that he has – while also showing why he has the most beautiful woman in the world as a wife.”

Crescent Publishing Group, based in Sacramento, California, who publishes the magazine, say this is a great opportunity for them to also reach out to their massive gay male demographic.

“Everyone knows we produce a magazine for women, but it has an even larger following in the gay male community,” CPG spokesperson Tamara Rollins said. “We get shot huge loads of emails from our consumers every day, and most of them are from men. You would not believe how many emails and letters we have received over the years requesting we get Tom Brady in an issue. To be honest, I’m pretty surprised at how many gay men are avid football fans. It’s probably the tight pants.”

CPG has not announced when the issue would be released, but said that it would be at least a few months before they could meet with him for the pictorial, as Brady has several obligations related to the Patriots organization, as well as several charities in which his involved.

In 2010, Playgirl made a desperate attempt to lure in controversial quarterback Michael Vick to no avail. Over the years, they’ve reached out to other NFL players as well. “It is really difficult to get any major athlete involved in our publication, and of course that is what women, and many men, want to see when they open Playgirl magazine,” said Rollins. “Player’s agents have made it a really tough nut to bust for our magazine.”

Super Bowl 49 Gets Major Venue Change Due To Failure Of Congressional Lawmakers

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The setting for the 2015 Super Bowl was supposed to be Arizona, at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, but today it was announced that the ‘big game’ would be getting a drastic change in venue. According to league spokesman Dale Gerard, the next Super Bowl is being moved to Belfast, Ireland.

“Unfortunately, because of terrorist threats around the globe, we have made the drastic decision to move the Super Bowl out of Arizona and, indeed, outside the United States entirely,” said Gerard. “The TRIA has got us in a pinch, and we needed to act fast, just in case.”

The TRIA, or the Terrorism Risk Insurance Act, was signed into law in 2002 in the aftermath of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Basically, it established a partnership between the US government and the insurance industry that made terrorism insurance widely available to U.S. businesses, including organizers of major sporting events such as the NFL. Without federal support, most insurers would be unwilling to offer coverage. The current TRIA deal is set to expire on Dec. 31, 2014, and Congress is nearing the deadline too quickly for Super Bowl organizers to take any chances.

“We have partnered, instead, with a private company that assures us that they will underwrite the NFL completely in case of terrorist attack during the Super Bowl. That company’s only caveat was that we have it in their country, and that is Ireland.”

This will be the first time in 50 years of the event that the Super Bowl will not be held inside the United States. Unfortunately for people who had already spent big money on tickets to the game, event organizers say that those tickets will not be valid in Belfast.

“We regretfully have to re-sell new tickets at the new venue,” said Gerard. “Anyone who purchased tickets to the Super Bowl, expecting it to be in Arizona, will have to re-purchase tickets for the event in Ireland. We are sure that anyone who could afford the outrageous price for Super Bowl tickets in the first place will also have no problem buying another set, as well as airfare and hotel stays in Ireland. We hope to see everyone there, and thank you for supporting the NFL!”

Cowboys RB DeMarco Murray Has Hand Amputated During Surgery To Repair Broken Finger

Posted on December 19, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Just a few short days ago on December 17th, DeMarco Murray entered a Dallas hospital to have a routine surgery on his ring finger, which was broken during a winning game against the Philadelphia Eagles in week 15. What should have been an easy fix that had Murray back on the field, possibly within days, has become a the player’s worst nightmare, and has left him incapable of ever playing again.

According to reports from Sports News Nightly, Murray’s surgeons accidentally mixed up his charts with that of another patient at the hospital, and when Murray was brought into the operating room, doctors amputated his entire right hand.

“This is extremely, extremely tragic,” said the Dean of Medicine for Dallas Memorial Hospital, Mark Houston. “DeMarco Murray was admitted to our hospital for a routine surgery that would set and fix his broken finger. Unfortunately, during admittance, his medical charts were mixed with those of another gentleman, who was also admitted at that time, and was having his hand amputated. We are truly, truly sorry for the mix-up. That is all I can say at this point, pending possible legal issues.”

Dallas spokesman Greg Turf said that Murray and the team were completely heartbroken.

“You know, it’s all just part of life’s plan, I guess,” said Murray, with a smile. “How can you really be mad? So I’ll never play again. So I’ll never go long for a pass again. What can you do, you know? Sure, I could take the hospital for everything they’re worth, but it’s only money, right? It’s all just another step towards the inevitable, anyway.” Doctors say that Murray is on extreme amounts of morphine, and that the drug often times creates a feeling of euphoria.

In a bizarre twist, the patient who was scheduled to have the amputation had his finger worked on by surgeons, and a blood clot that had been causing extreme pain in his hand – and, in fact, was the reason for the original need for the amputation – was cured completely.

Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo Reveals Shocking Strange Addictions, Pre-Game Superstitions

Posted on December 19, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

Star NFL quarterback Tony Romo recently revealed some deep, dark secrets during a radio interview on the Jay Mohr Show, when on the topic of superstitions and pre-game rituals was brought up by the host.

When asked about his strange pre-game preparations and superstitions, Romo, 34, told Mohr that he goes through a regimen every game day and has kept the routine secret all his life, until now.

“This is really embarrassing. I’ve never told anyone this before, but – Well, the first thing I do when I wake up on a game day [at home] is throw a dozen raw eggs against the wall outside on my patio,” said Romo. “I’m serious, it feels great to do. Then I sit with a glass of orange juice, and watch as my housekeepers clean up the egg mess. I do feel bad about that part, but they make a great salary, and they’re used to it by now.”

Professional athletes have been doing strange things since the dawn of sports when it comes to pre-game superstitions. Michael Jordan recently told Sports Illustrated writer Carmine Sheckles that he urinated on a brand new pair of his shoes, which he would later go on to wear in that night’s game. In another oddball pre-game superstition ritual, former New Orleans Saints and Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams told Sports News Daily that he use to lick the carpet at home, or whatever hotel he was staying at, before walking out the door on the way to a game.

“I know it sounds weird, but maybe me coming out about my weird behaviors will help others who to know they are not alone in their weird behaviors,” continued Romo, taking a deep breath before speaking again. “Ok. So, the other thing is – well, every day since I was 5 or 6 years old, I have chewed on a Barbie doll while taking a shower. Something about the texture, or the type of plastic they use, I’m very addicted to. I keep them until they’re falling apart, then I throw the doll away and get a new one. God, it feels good to finally say that out loud.”

“It took a lot of guts to say what he said when he was on my show,” said Mohr, speaking of the interview the following day. “I estimate that the sales of Barbie dolls and eggs are going to go up dramatically among teens and young adults who want to be like their idol.”

Cable channel TLC has reportedly reached out to Romo in a request to appear on their documentary-series My Strange Addiction.

Ray Rice Signs With Denver Broncos, Expected To Play As Soon As Contract Finalized

Posted on December 3, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

DENVER, Colorado –

Recently reinstated by the NFL after being indefinitely suspended for most of the season, Ray Rice has signed with the Denver Broncos and is expected to play immediately following finalization of the pending contract offer.

Head coach John Fox told the press earlier in a brief press conference that the team is excited, and that after seeing Rice run drills to perfection that he has every intention of using the troubled running back immediately.

“He looked fantastic is all the drills he ran. We put him in full gear and had him run some plays against our defense, and I tell ya what – he punched them right in the mouth, just knocked them out during every play. This guy is just raging, he wants on the field badly,” Fox said.

When asked about the controversy surrounding Rice, Fox said that he was ‘barely aware’ of the situation. “Look, he paid the price, I guess. Everybody deserves a second chance, and by God, you better believe we had every intention of taking advantage of the situation. Personally, I don’t care who he did or didn’t punch in the face, because he did it in the past. It is all about the future now. Hopefully his future doesn’t involve any more hits, at least off the field.”

Several NFL teams appeared publicly to be shunning the running back, but according to Rice’s agent, Robert Combs, that was not the case.

“Teams were working him out, but all in secret, because what team wants to deal with the backlash while not being sure if he would even be a part of their team in the end? Basically every team Ray worked out for, and several he didn’t, wanted to make a deal. We came to the undeniable conclusion that Denver was the best place to have a likely chance to win. It wasn’t all about money, he wanted to go some place he would feel accepted and that is highly respected,” Combs told the Associated Press. “I’m just glad that in the NFL it doesn’t matter if you run a dog fighting ring, drive drunk and kill someone, or savagely beat the shit out of your significant other, in the end, the fans and the league will forgive you – as long as you can play the game.”

Details of the pending contract offer have not been released, but Combs said that it is ‘done deal’ and that the legalities and paperwork just need to be finalized.

NFL Admits Games, Off-Field Drama Are All Pre-Determined, Scripted Events

Posted on November 23, 2014 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

This season of NFL has not disappointed its fans, either on or off the field. There has been some incredible games played, and some very incredible drama following the franchise and players, but they have still been pulling in viewership numbers like never before.

It is because of the incredible ratings that they have been getting that it has finally been confirmed by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell that the reason why things have been so ‘dramatic’ lately, and the truth may be devastating to most football fans.

Goodell reveled in a press conference Saturday evening that the NFL has been lying to fans for years, as they have been secretly setting up all the games, creating off-field and media drama amongst players, and even going so far as to creating the illusion of long-term injuries for certain players.

“When we say that our athletes are playing the game, what we really mean is that they are playing our game,” said Goodell. “We’ve been manipulating everything. The games are pre-determined, and the players and coaches aren’t really calling the shots. Just like professional wrestling, we’re putting on a show, and for years, people have been tuning in to see what we’ll do next. Which team will win? Which player will beat down another? Which player will beat down his wife? It’s all about the ratings, and the stories created by our team of skilled writers.”

Goodell went on to also talk more about players and their personal lives, and how even getting certain people to agree to take legal heat outside the game in an effort to bring in more viewers.

“Now, I’m not saying that every little thing is a work. Michael Vick is certainly guilty of the dog fighting thing, but we do set up a lot of behind-the-scenes antics to keep people on the edge of their seats. There are bonuses structured for players who create a name for themselves in the media, whether it be good or bad. It doesn’t matter. In the end, they’ll get people watching.”

When asked why they were admitting only now, decades after the league began, that the games and media frenzy were all shams, Goodell said that he just felt the time was right.

“We’re hotter than we’ve ever been, and it just seems at this point it doesn’t matter what we do. Abuse allegations, cheating scandals, long-term and life-altering head injuries – it doesn’t matter. People still sit down with a bag of chips and a rack of beer every week, and watch our guys go to work. It doesn’t matter if the public knows we’re lying or not – they just want to be entertained.”

Green Bay Packers Receivers Caught Using Battery Powered Gloves; Cobb, Nelson Face Lifetime Ban

Posted on November 16, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell announced this morning that after an undercover investigation, significant evidence has been uncovered suggesting that Green Bay Packers wide receivers Randall Cobb and Jordy Nelson have used battery-powered, ‘performance enhancing’ gloves during games this season. “We have found proof of wrong-doing by at least two players, Nelson and Cobb. Both players are facing a lifetime ban from the NFL,” Goodell said.

The performance enhancing gloves, called BPG’s – short for ‘battery powered gloves’ – work by acting as a magnet when a leather football is thrown in a spiraling motion, creating a force of circular-bound energy, attracting the leather football toward the BPG’s and sticking to them, therefore giving the receiver an unfair advantage.

An inquiry was made by an anonymous source last month after a lopsided match against the Chicago Bears in late September. The source explained to NFL officials that they noticed that when a football was thrown to the receivers that they had difficulty pulling the football away from the gloves after the play, saying that they basically had to pry the ball away by putting a foot on the player’s chest and yanking it out of their hands. The NFL sent in a group of undercover agents who infiltrated the Packers locker room and gathered what they consider to be significant evidence.

Goodell went on to say that the NFL Board of Rules & Disciplinary Actions, which was just instated by the commissioner this football season, will meet and decide the fate of the Green Bay Packers and the players involved. “Obviously, wrong-doing has been discovered and it will be dealt with. It may be determined that the team will be banned from this season’s playoffs, and the players would most definitely be suspended indefinitely,” Goodell said.

Goodell will hold a news conference later this week in which he will explain in detail the wrong-doings which have been committed, as well as the actions which will be handed down for doing so.