FOX News Mourns Aryan Toddler Found Dead, Ignores Deaths Of African-American Children

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MONROE, Washington – 

Megyn Kelly, one of the generic blond news anchors you can find on Fox at all hours of the day or night, teared up recently when reporting on the tragic death of a child, saying, “We here at Fox news are especially sad to report the search for the missing aryan 2-year-old ended in tragedy Friday, as the boy was found dead in a fast-moving creek behind his home.”

Grayson Hill had apparently wandered away from his house around midnight, and was later found by the swim team. They attempted to revive him but were unsuccessful. Because the parents are affluent, the Snohomish County Sheriff’s Office is more included to call it a tragic accident, instead of investigating the parents for neglect.

That week, two black babies were killed in the inner-city by stray bullets, but Fox News did not feel this would be of interest to its Republican, Right-Wing viewers. “You should see the excitement in the newsroom when news of a white missing child breaks. Of course it’s sad, but everyone’s excited for the story,” says former intern, Randy Hansen. “When it’s a black kid though, you can’t even mention it. You’d get laughed right out of the room.”

Fox News: Majority of Americans Support Legalization of Marijuana Dealers

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NEW YORK CITY, New York –

For the first time, the Fox News poll found that the majority of Americans support legalization of recreational marijuana dealers. As recently as 2013, more voters were opposed than in favor, but this year’s results show a continuing shift towards acceptance of marijuana dealers in everyday life. Arguments suggesting that the relatively mild marijuana dealers are a gateway to more dangerous dealers are no longer convincing as many Americans as in the past, as more and more often, the previously maligned community is proving itself safe.

“There are those who say that pot dealers are dangerous, that they cause people to make bad decisions,” said one participant in an anonymous comments section. “But I’ve been using them for years, and they’ve never led me to dealers of hard drugs.”

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Others made the comparison with the long-legal alcohol dealers, otherwise known as bartenders.

“The alcohol dealer at my local bar has caused me far more problems than any pot dealer,” said another participant. “He’s readily available and great at convincing me to do things I shouldn’t. Also, he’s been in prison for assault, while my pot dealer would never hurt a fly.”

More participants went on to talk about the mild nature of marijuana dealers.

“They’re so mellow. Most of the time they’re not gonna force you into doing anything. Alcohol dealers always force me to doing things I wouldn’t have done not under their influecne.”

One pot dealer user pointed out that the dealers he uses often make him think of insights he’d never considered.

“I’ll be sitting in a circle, with my dealer, and he’ll say someting like deep like, or point out tings in nature I’d never seen, and I’ll be like, woah, that’s deep man. I never have woah moments when I’m not using marijuana dealers.”

FOX News Announces Merger With Comedy Central

FOX News Announces Merger With Comedy Central

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Fox News has announced a shock merger with Comedy Central, saying that the comedy channel gets most of their laughs out of Fox anyway. For years, Jon Stewart’s Daily Show has been using gaffes from the right-wing news outlet as satire, and many of the sitcoms also get their ridiculous situations from real events which have happened on the Fox News set, leading to them being considered Comedy Central’s “feeder” channel.

“We are very pleased that this partnership will finally be made official,” Fox News CEO Roger Ailes wrote in a press release. “There’s been a lot of speculation over the years, and a lot of hurt feelings when our channels have been at odds – especially when Comedy Central has not credited our reporters for their content. Now those differences can finally be put to rest.”

Jon Stewart, who has based much of his show on blasting Fox News’s biased coverage, has responded to the news by expressing his disappointed that this is only happening now that he is leaving.

“I have had some fun times working with the clowns from Fox News,” he said soberly on his Daily Show. “Many of the best episodes involved in-house interviews with characters like Bill O’Reilly. I feel I’ve really missed out.”

Doug Herzog, the president of Viacom Media Networks who own Comedy Central, expressed his delight at the long-awaited merger.

“It’s been a dream of ours for many years,” he said. “Operations will be much smoother now that our biggest allies are openly working on our side. Both Fox News and Comedy Central will maintain a level of separateness, but now fake news such as The Daily Show will be part of the Fox News branch, and Fox and Friends, which doesn’t even pretend to be news, will be part of the Comedy Central branch.”

‘Plenty Of People Are Not Going To Run For President’ Says FOX News

'Plenty Of People Are Not Going To Run For President' Says FOX News

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

FOX News are reporting that plenty of people are not going to run for president in 2016. The startling analysis comes amid speculation of who will next announce their intention to run, with Ted Cruz the first of many hopeless candidates to kickstart his campaign. With Cruz proving that Republican primaries are inclusive of even the unlikeliest politicians, droves of senators, governors, and laymen are thought to be planning their next moves.

“Sources indicate that there are still going to be thousands, if not millions, of Americans not running for president,” said Bill O’Reilly, host of his eponymous show. “This is indeed surprising, as the list of individuals who won’t be running includes some shocks. For example, Governor Pence of Indiana won’t be campaigning, and neither will my friend Richard from down the road.”

Critics of FOX News have, however, dismissed their reports as “nothing more than hopeful speculations.” Jon Stewart in particular was vocal in his criticism.

“Come on Bill, who do you think you’re kidding?” he ranted on The Daily Show. “How about you? Will you be running for president? I think it’s telling that you kept this information hidden, when it has direct bearing on your story. This is more mindless fear-mongering.”

Henry Goldstein, a conservative Jewish commentator, hit back at Stewart, saying that “he has no idea what he’s talking about. All this rhetoric, when really FOX News is the only network reporting the truth. I’m gonna be candid, and add my name to the list of those not running for president. Jon ‘Stewart’ has forgotten his conservative Jewish heritage.”

Other analysts were underwhelmed by the reports. CNN’s John Dreyer acknowledged the possible veracity of FOX’s exclusive, but speculated that it will have no bearing on the political outlook of the country.

“When it comes down to it, it will be between Jeb [Bush] and Hillary [Clinton]. This stands true whether the whole country runs for president, or only most of it.”

At Least 6 Confirmed Deaths Of White People During Ferguson Riots Ignored By Mainstream Media

FERGUSON, Missouri – At Least 6 Confirmed Deaths Of White People During Ferguson Riots Ignored By Mainstream Media

Reportedly, at least two white women and 4 white men have died in the Ferguson Riots currently stemming from the Michael Brown ruling, but mainstream media – including FOX News, CNN, and MSNBC – are too afraid to report on these deaths, in fear of enticing white people to join in on the riots and looting and causing a possible race war.

Mildred Crocker was the first white woman to die in the midst of the riots. Her grandson, Dave Crocker, is outraged that his interview with local news station KKTY has not made it on any national, or even local, networks.

“My grandmother went out to get her prescriptions filled, oblivious to the chaos out here. Grams doesn’t have TV and doesn’t care about news. Anyway, she saw so many spooks at once she fell to the curb, clutching her heart. Then those damn black EMTs passed right by her, instead attending to some stupid gang-banger looking motherf—– with a gash in his head. Grams was 72. She could’ve lived to 102 if those jigaboos had gotten her in that ambulance right away.”

Cindy Vanthomme, 38, was trampled to death as the initial peaceful protests turned to riots. As she lay bleeding on the ground, other rioters reportedly trampled her, and stripped her of the nine Chanel and Gucci handbags s that she had been carrying, stolen earlier from a local pawn shop. According to her well-to-do white family, Vanthomme hadn’t personally stolen them, and had more than likely been intending to turn the handbags into police.

“We are trying our best to make sure that the current level of violence does not increase, so we’ve taken steps to make sure certain ‘stories’ stay within the area,” said Joseph Goldsmith, a National Guard spokesman on duty in Ferguson. “The local police have made sure to remove all white police officers active response duty, so if anyone gets shot looting, it’s going to be a black on black crime. The National Guard has taken similar precautions. As white people, we can’t take any chances, here.”

“We ain’t allowed to show white solidarity,” says a long-time Caucasian Ferguson resident, who asked not to be named for his own safety. “People are forgetting about the struggle of the poor white man. My cousin Jacob was shot dead in his trailer by a cop for pointing the remote control at the TV. When that happened, no one said, ‘hey that shit’s not right. How ’bout we bust into a store and get that new TV we been wantin?’ There were no riots when Jacob was killed. Maybe I shoulda done something, but I’m just so Goddamn lazy, you know?”

As the aftermath of the Michael Brown decision rages on, many people throughout the country are demanding more balanced coverage. Even obviously biased news sources like Fox News, who as the most stuffy, Republican channel on TV are often caught criticizing blacks and other minorities, continue to ignore the stories of white deaths. Sadly, it appears the deaths of Crocker and Vanthomme will pass by America unnoticed, while more and more violence continues in Missouri.

Sean Hannity Fired From Fox Network, Blames Liberal Smear Campaign

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Sean Hannity Fired From Fox Network, Blames Liberal Smear Campaign

Shockwaves rippled throughout the broadcast journalism community today, with the news that conservative political commentator and show host Sean Hannity was fired by Fox News Channel President Roger Ailes.

Hannity, a Fox News programming staple since 2008, will be replaced by a new, yet-to-be-named animated news and current events show produced by Seth MacFarlane, creator and producer of Family Guy, and American Dad.

“This is a business,” remarked Ailes, when questioned outside Fox News Headquarters in New York.  “Hannity was great, it performed well, but numbers were going down.  People get tired of hearing the same old complaints.  Maybe we’ll open up a spot for Sean if Hillary gets elected. The well’s running dry on fresh, new Obama criticisms. Even I was saying ‘haven’t we done this already?’”

Reportedly too distressed to face reporters himself, Hannity’s close friend and former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin made a post to her Facebook page, deriding the decision to remove Hannity from broadcast.

“Doggonit here we go again with the further erodation (sic) by the liberal ‘lamestream’ media folks over there, with those goshdarn attacks on REAL Americans like the great Sean Hannity, who was sadly removed from our precious airwaves today. I will continue to defend our ideals and our dearly held freedoms as these pre-packaged, left-wing newsbites are prepared in easy-chew pills for the masses, and a certain member of the White House continues to shuck and jive his way through it all.” 

No mention was made of Hannity’s immediate future in the television broadcast journalism realm.  He will continue to host The Sean Hannity Show on radio, which made its national debut in September, 2001.

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