Trump Challenges Hillary To Game of HORSE To See Who Wins Election

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has said that, in order to give Hillary a “fair chance” at winning after his “super-yuge” lead in the polls, he would allow Hillary to play him in a game of HORSE to decide the winner of the election.

“I’m quite sure that I will win the election based on votes, and I don’t think it’s even fair to Hillary at this point,” said Trump. “I’m all about fair play. I love women. I respect women, and I respect Hillary. No one has more respect for Hillary than me. And with that respect comes the great admiration that always comes with respect. It with that admiration comes challenge, and with challenge comes sports, and basically, I think we should play a game of HORSE to decide the election, voting be damned.”

Hillary Clinton has not responded directly to the Trump challenge, but staffers on her campaign have said that she has been practicing her layups and 3-point shots in anticipation of a “hell of a game.”

Pokemon Go Game Leads To 45 Car Pile-Up On Arizona Highway

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

A 46-year-old man, Nathan Winter, was charged with reckless endangerment and negligent homicide after he caused a 45 car pile-up while playing the popular cell phone game Pokemon Go.

Police say that Winter was not paying attention to the road and his attention was diverted as he tried to catch a Meowth while driving down the Phoenix I-75 highway when he rear-ended a Mack truck, causing a vicious accident that caused 4 deaths and countless injuries.

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“In retrospect, it was a really bad idea,” said Winter, who says he had just downloaded the game earlier in the day. “My daughter was playing, and it seemed kind of fun, so I wanted to check it out, too. 3 hours of playing, and I was hooked. I was on my way home when my phone vibrated, and it said there was Meowth around. It happened to be right on the bumper of the eighteen wheeler in front of me. Sadly, I wasn’t paying attention, and slammed right into it trying to catch him.”

Police say that the Pokemon Go game has become extremely viral, and although has caused several injuries from people not paying attention to their surroundings while playing, this is the first case of major death. Nintendo, who is the company behind the game, could not be reached for comment.

Woman Dies After Husband Accidentally Crushes Her During Game of Twister

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Police have cleared Joel Craig, 32, of any wrongdoing in the death of his wife, Samantha Craig, 29, after she was killed during a “rowdy” game of Twister.

Joel Craig says that when the spinner landed on Left Hand: Blue, he was forced to move into a position that caused him to slip, and all of his 298 pounds came crushing down on the chest of his wife.

“I told her that I didn’t want to move, that I knew I would fall, but my wife was very, very competitive, and she told me the game couldn’t end until one of us had fallen,” said Craig. “I didn’t want to crush her, but she was starting to get angry, and I moved my hand. I fell, and I crushed her ribcage, which punctured her lungs. We’d only been married for six months.”

An investigation into the accident was performed, but police say it was a clear-cut case of accidental death, and no charges would be filed.

Teen Killed In ‘Dodge The Bullet’ Game

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DALLAS, Texas – 

A 15-year-old teen was killed last weekend after he and his friends decided to play a new game they had seen online, “dodge the bullets.” The game, which is taking off in viral YouTube videos, has a person stand near a wall or other solid object while friends take turns firing shots at them from pistols or rifles.

“In all my years as a police officer, this is probably the dumbest trend I’ve ever seen kids take part in,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “Why they think this would be a good idea, or even possible for a long period of time, is beyond me.”

The goal of the game, according to the internet, is to not flinch for as long as possible before jumping out of the way. Most of the time, the “dodger” leaps out of the way well before the shot is fired. In this case, 15-year-old Caleb Matthew waited a little too long to dodge.

Criminal filings could be underway for Matthew’s friends, who his parents say owned the gun, and left it unlocked in their home. The Matthews family says they also plan to sue the other families of the teens involved. Those names have not been released due to the age of the teens.

Kanye West Admits He’s In Debt Due To Kim Kardashian Mobile Video Game

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

A short time ago, Kanye West announced that he was over $50 million dollars in debt, and now, he’s coming out with the truth about what has caused his extreme downfall in wealth.

“Kim’s damn Android game, man. That shit cost me a fortune, and I can’t kick it. I just can’t,” said Kanye. “I know I tweeted back in October that any game that charges real world money was horrible, but it’s my wife’s damn game. I had to try it. And now, here I am.”

Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is a game available on the iTunes and Android app stores that allow people to pretend to be Kim, going on shopping sprees and doing all sort of extremely inane tasks. The game is free to download and play, but many of the game’s items need to be unlocked using real world money.

“I tried to stop playing, but I couldn’t,” said Kanye. “I needed to have the nicer car. Then I wanted all the fancy clothes. Then I wanted more new cars. The bigger house. All that shit, man, you gotta unlock it buy making in-app purchases. Before I knew it, I’d spent a million dollars.”

West says that over the last 6 months of playing the game, he’s spent more than $53 million dollars in real-world money on app purchases.

“I know I don’t say this as often as I should, but I need some serious fucking help,” said West.

Woman Arrested After Bludgeoning Boyfriend To Death With Game Controller; ‘He Chose Fallout 4 Over Me’

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COMPTON, California – 

Lakeesha Wallace, 26, was arrested yesterday after reportedly bludgeoning her boyfriend, Jamal Jones, 27, to death with a Playstation 4 contoller. The couple allegedly argued because Wallace said that Jones was spending “too much time” playing the new video game Fallout 4, and was ignoring her.

“That sonofabitch was playing that game non-stop since it dropped. All day, all night, that mothafucka ain’t done shit around the house,” said Wallace. “I gots me some needs too, and if a brother ain’t about to put down the controller and feast on what I got to offer, then a mothafucka don’t need to be breathing no more.”

Police say that Wallace has been extremely vocal about killing Jones since the second they arrested her.

“She has bragged, multiple times now, that she is, in fact, the one who stabbed Jamal Jones, her boyfriend, to death,” said Police Chief Larry Wiggin. “There is no question to the motives or the crime, as Ms. Wallace has, frankly, refused to stop talking since we brought her in.”

“I tell ya’ll another thing – ya’ll better not even think about giving me no death penalty,” said Wallace to investigators. “I think I done enough time not having my pooney touched in the last 2 weeks thanks to some stupid shooting game. Don’t you think I got enough bullshit on my mind that I don’t need to be dealing with no electric chair? Shit, ya’ll mothafuckas need Jesus if you think I ain’t a strong-ass woman, ain’t afraid of shit.”

Coincidentally, Wallace faces the death penalty in the state of California for her crime.

Shaquille O’Neil Plans Return To NBA As Free Agent

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MOUNT DORA, Florida-

Fan favorite basketball player Shaquille O’Neil has announced that he will be returning to the NBA pending a deal with a team. Shaq says he will be returning to the league as a free agent, and hopes a team will sign him and give him the chance to play the game that he “has always loved and respected.”

Shaq made his way with his basketball skills, but his persona off the court is what people really loved about him. Friends say he was always goofing around with his teammates and reporters, and has landed several jobs both behind and in front of the camera because of it. According to his doctor, Shaq is ready to play again and, reportedly hasn’t felt this good about the sport since he first started.

“I just want to go out and win for my team, whoever it may be, that’s all I want to do. I’m in great shape and still feel that I can ball with the best of them, especially when I’m wearing my new Icy Hot Backpatch. I’d love to dunk on Kobe and LeBron – nothing feels better than that – except for when I put new Icy Hot Slow-Release Pain Reliever on my feet after a long day,” said Shaq.

At the moment, no teams seem interested in signing him, but reports claim he has gone to a few team practices. It is unclear if these visit were for business, or if Shaq was just hanging out with some old friends. O’Neil has reportedly requested a 10-year contract for $15 million per year, and claims “the phones will be ringing any moment now.”

Peyton Manning Announces Retirement From NFL

Peyton Manning Announces Retirement From NFL

 

DENVER, Colorado –

A true NFL legend has reported hat he will be calling it quits with his football career. Peyton Manning, the long standing all-star quarterback, has announced he will retire, effective immediately. The star player says he would like to thank everyone who has helped him in his journey.

“I stayed in it for a few more years than I wanted, trying to finish my season with a Super Bowl win, but I realized that I may not have the ability to do that,” said Manning. “I want to go out with some pride. I would love another ring but these young guys are getting better and better, and I just can’t keep up. I’m not Tom Brady, after all.”

The team appears to be supporting Manning on his decision, and the official announcement is that they ‘appreciate the time’ they got to spend with him. Coaches of the team say they are upset with the loss of their quarterback, but tell us they have faith in their team and will find a way to win.

“I’ve had a great career with great people, I won a Super Bowl, broke records, and even got to make pizzas. Not every QB can say the same thing, and I’m grateful to say that I have,” said Manning.

The Denver Broncos have not announced who will be replacing Manning, but sources confirmed that Tim Tebow was called in for a meeting with the organization.

“I cannot confirm or deny the reports that we have met with the Tim Tebow,” said Denver Broncos spokesman Gerald Dyster. “Peyton Manning has announced he would be leaving the team, but that’s all we know right now. He’ll be missed, no doubt, by any true fan of the game. Thankfully, though, we’ve all still got Tom Brady to watch year after year.”

 

 

MLB Announces Designated Hitter Position To Be Abolished In All Leagues

MLB Announces Designated Hitter Rule To Be Abolished

NEW YORK, New York-

Officials for the Major League Baseball Organization have confirmed a huge rule change that will impact the game of professional baseball indefinitely. A new rule will make it impossible for any team to use a designated hitter in their lineup beginning this season.

The decision was made after commissioner  Robert D. Manfred Jr felt it unfair for a player to only hit, and felt that each player should hold more then one role in baseball.

“It was a tough call, but my team has backed me and agreed that this ban will make the game a lot more exciting,” said Manfred. “The salaries some of these guys get to just go up and bat is crazy. Granted they are helping their teams, but we want to implement a game that makes players depend more on their stamina and inner power. We don’t want our players to think at some point in their career they can get lazy and just sit on the bench and hit a ball every once in a while.”

Each team has until spring training to update their lineup, and any DH player that they have must be listed into a defensive position.

“The National League doesn’t have a DH position, so why does the American League need one? Pitchers will just start having to learn to bat. If they can’t sucks for them. If anyone has a problem with the new ban of the DH position, they can go find a new game to play,” said Manfred. “I don’t know how many jobs there are that require people to hit balls and catch them, but I feel that the rule will be taken hold by the teams just fine.”

 

 

Kevin Durant Accused of Being Illuminati By Teammates

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma – Kevin Durant Accused of Being Illuminati By Teammates

After a grueling loss to the Cleveland Cavaliers earlier in the week, the topic of conversation in the locker room of the Oklahoma City Thunder should be on the game. Instead, the only thing anyone is talking about is the high possibility of player Kevin Durant’s involvement with the Illuminati.

“There is definitely something up with that kid,” said head coach of the Thunder, Scott Brooks. “He used to be so incredibly nice. He was the most polite person ever. Once the Illuminati got their claws into him, though, things have turned around drastically. Kevin has the second most technical fouls in the league right now. I just don’t know what to do with him.”

The Illuminati was a secret society started in the late 1700s. At that point, it was designed to thwart government power and prejudices. Over time, though, the group changed, and they became less about stopping the powers-that-be from running the country and its people, and moved to become the group that ran the world.

“He’s making money. He’s not spending it. We haven’t seen him buy anything extravagant. He lives the life of a pauper outside of the stadium, and it’s frightening,” said a member of the team, speaking on the guise of anonymity. “The rest of us guys, we go out and blow money on whatever we want. I’ve got 16 cars in my garage. I’ve got mountains of girls in my bed. I’ve got it all, baby. Durant…man, Kevin…his money…He must be giving it all to those Illuminati peoples.”

Reportedly, Durant has been ostracized during pre-game warm ups and after game drills.

“They won’t help me out. They won’t pass me the ball in games. I can’t even get any of the guys to talk to me anymore. They think I’m some kind of freak,” said Durant, clearly frustrated with his team’s actions towards him. “I can honestly say that I am not in the Illuminati. I don’t even know who they are or what they’re about. Man, I’m 26 years old and I play pro ball. How much do you really think I know about the world? I only heard of the Illuminati the same way everyone else did – watching them movies with Tom Hanks.”

Well of course he said he’s not Illuminati,” said Brooks, when told about what Durant said. “Did you really think he was going to admit it? All I’m saying is…there are signs.”

Durant could not be reached for further comment. A spokesperson for the NBA, who wishes to remain anonymous, did say that the NBA has their suspicions, but are not currently taking any action at this time.

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