Cards Against Humanity Makers Charged with Crimes Against Humanity

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SPRINGFIELD, Massachusetts – 

Abiding Truth Ministries has charged creators of the popular card game, Cards Against Humanity, with crimes against humanity, including encouraging Blasphemy and Sin. After years of failed rallying against homosexuality, the group has decided to “try an easier foe.”

Founder Scott Lively is best known as author of The Pink Swastika, which exposes homosexuality in the Nazi party. Lively has no doubt that they will be able to shut down production of the extremely popular card game, once people are made aware of what their children are playing.

“Sin is no laughing matter, and they make a game out of it. This is worse than what the Nazi party did. They were homosexual, but made it right by killing Jesus-hating Jews. I can not find anything redeeming about this game,” said Lively.

“I’m really surprised that they don’t like our game, since it’s full of great combos of cards that could totally be construed as racist if you wanted them to be,” said Cards Against Humanity spokesman Joseph Reilly. “I’m pretty sure that we have plenty of reference to Jews, Jesus, Nazis, Hitler – I mean all matter of horrible things in there. We’re not worried about this lawsuit at all. Just like our cards, this is just a game to us.”

As Summer Nears, Children Ready To Play Hottest New Swimming Game, ‘Marco Rubio’

marco rubio

MIAMI, Florida – 

For years, a popular swimming game for children – or adults pretending to be children – has always been Marco Polo, where one child closes his eyes and yells out “Marco!” while other children scream “Polo!” in return. This year, though, a group of children in Miami have upped the game, swapping out Marco Polo for Marco Rubio.

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“The game basically plays the same as Marco Polo always did, except now we scream back ‘Rubio!'” said Freddy Johnson, 9. “I don’t really know anything about politics, but my dad says that Marco Rubio is a huge joke, and that all he does is play games, so this is a fun way to include him in our playtime!”

Many parents are happy that their children are taking to the new, family-friendly game.

“After the huge fiasco that my family had trying to play Trump-Twister, this is so much easier,” said Mary Lambert, 43, and mother of 3 small boys. “With that game, you have to spin the wheel and whatever random lie or racial epithet pops up, that’s where you have to put your hand or feet. There are so many racist remarks, we all fell down into one giant pile almost right away. ‘Left hand…Mexicans are dirty! Ugh. Horrible game.”

Democrats Form League of Legends Pro Team to Gain Gamer Election Support

Democrats Form League of Legends Pro Team to Gain Gamer Election Support

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Democratic Party has made a move that no one anticipated, to secure votes from a substantial population. Hot on the heels of a new season for the game League of Legends comes Team Pro Democrat, or TPD for short.

The team will be led by possible Presidential Candidate, and Former U.S. Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. President Obama has shown interest in taking over the team when his presidency ends, stating “it would be great to stay in the game after 2016.” The team, backed by taxpayer dollars, has also hired several pro gaming trainers from Korean to help TPD climb from bronze ranking to the world champions.

“By competing and doing well, we’re hoping to gain the respect of fellow gamers,” Clinton said.

Experts say dedicated gamers generally don’t vote at all, since they are “too busy grinding away at their MMO of choice to bother keeping up on the debates, or even registering to vote for that matter.” By winning the support and respect of a few highly influential members of the gaming community, a very wide audience will be reached.

Republican congress members seem to have begun following suit, building a roster of team members to counteract this newfound avenue of campaigning. Marc Merill, president of Riot Games – the company behind League of Legends – said that he sees a “new era on the horizon” for eSports, and fully expects all government disputes to be settled on the Fields of Justice.

In the mean time, President Obama has officially declared League of Legends as America’s National MMO.

NHL To Launch Street Hockey League During Summer Months

NHL To Launch Street Hockey League During Summer Months

NEW YORK, New York –

The NHL is excited to announce a new league they plan on starting this summer, and fans are saying it’s something that should have been done years ago.  It has been confirmed that June 2016 will be the first ever NHL Street Hockey tournament, and if all goes well it will be a permanent organization.

Teams and players will be scouted soon for the tournament, and for now it will be labeled as a summer all-star tournament as a test for an official league.

Representatives from the NHL think that this will be a billion dollar enterprise, but want to make sure that players and teams will have the stamina to play during the summer without interrupting the busy standard hockey season. The street league will entail almost the same rules as ice hockey, but will add in a few factors that will make the game even more exciting to watch.  One idea that has been batted around is adding small ramps in the playing field so players can get some air while going for a goal.

The league will also be open to professional rollerbladers and rollerskaters, assuming that those things still exist.

 

Man Files $100,000 Lawsuit Against Friend For Sending Annoying Game Requests On Facebook

Man Files $100,000 Lawsuit Against Friend For Sending Annoying Game Requests On Facebook

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

Are you a victim of constant harassment from friends or family on Facebook who selfishly invite you to play all the ridiculous games, just so they get an extra chance at unlocking some extra ‘thing’ in their own game? Well, 34-year-old Jeremy Lakewood of Columbus, Ohio, has had enough – and he and his lawyer are out to prove a point and send a clear and unmistakable message. Lakewood has reportedly filed a $100,000 lawsuit against a friend who keeps sending him game requests to play Candy Crush.

Lakewood, a painter who lives in a modest one bedroom apartment on the outskirts of downtown Columbus, admits that he does not want to disable apps on the social media network because of a crazed addiction he himself has to the game Trivia Crack, but says his friends should at least show the common courtesy to ask first through a personal message.

“The way I see it, everybody is playing these games on Facebook that have no end, the game can’t be beat, there is no damn ending, there is no winner! At least with Trivia Crack, it’s one-on-one and I can prove I am smarter than whatever friend I am playing against,” Lakewood said.

A frustrated Lakewood called around town in search of a lawyer who would help him “go after” Evan Ransdale, a good friend and former bandmate of his who keeps sending Candy Crush requests. It did not take long. Lakewood has enlisted the help of Bob “The Hammer” Dixon, an up-and-coming lawyer in the Columbus area who shares Lakewood’s frustration.

“I can relate with my client; I too am sick of getting all these game requests just because I play Words With Friends. We intend to win and make a difference,” said Dixon. “My client has consistently been a good friend to Mr. Ransdale, and he stabbed him in the back with harassment of game requests. This must and will end!”

A call for comment from Ransdale was not immediately returned.

 

Colorado Rockies To Begin Selling Pot Brownies At Stadium During Upcoming Season

DENVER, Colorado – Colorado Rockies To Begin Selling Pot Brownies At Stadium Next Season

With marijuana legalization in effect in Colorado, and weed laws becoming lax in several other states throughout the country, major sports organizations say they are looking for ways to cash in on pot smokers who come to their games.

Sources are reporting that Major League Baseball’s Colorado Rockies plan to sell food items which contain marijuana at concession stands during games next season. The first item on the list? Pot Brownies, of course.

An official within the Rockies organization stated that the ball club has given the green-light to their concession company to begin sell marijuana brownies, cookies, cakes, and other pastries in the 2015 season.

High-ranking officials in the Rockies organization say they are thrilled at the new menu items, since they note that it will bring in tens of thousands of dollars per month.

“We are so thankful that the great people of Colorado voted in this measure to allow marijuana to be legalized throughout the state,” said Rockies spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Now, fans of the Colorado Rockies can come to the game, enjoy a beer, a dog, and then a nice dessert that will ease them into the 7th inning stretch.”

The Rockies head office is hoping that the sale of marijuana pastries will also boost sales of other concession items, as they say there is “no better way” to enjoy a Colorado Rockies game than high, and with a good “case of the munchies.”

NBA, WNBA Begin Negotiations To Combine Into One League

NEW YORK CITY, New York – NBA, WNBA Begin Negotiations To Combine Into One League

A huge announcement was made this morning by Adam Silver, president of the National Basketball Association, and it means things as we know it in the world of sports will definitely be changing. According to Silver, as soon as next year, the NBA and WNBA will be merged into one league, tentatively called the CENBA, or the Co-Ed National Basketball Association.

The combined league idea came about after decades of the WNBA pulling in terrible viewership numbers, and investors in the league say they thought it was time to move away from the all-female basketball teams, and see if the professional ladies could take on the professional men.

As it turns out, the ladies certainly can hold their own. In several private scrimmage matches held during off-days, a few female pros made some NBA stars look like rookies.

“My team is struggling badly, as are all WNBA teams, and this can be a huge change for teams all over the league,” said Tom O’Neil, owner of the WNBA team the Houston Hairylegs. “So many NBA teams have tons of overpaid all-stars on their team, because the NBA has all the money. I see a lot of talent in these WNBA players, and combining leagues, the women can finally make the money they deserve, which is about 60 cents on every dollar that the men make.”

“I formed a committee of owners, and told them the pros of this merger. Several months ago, we came to this decision, and have been waiting for the perfect time to announce it,” said Doug Reemer, owner of WNBA team the Pittsburgh Pussies. “And finally, after a few months, we made the deal with the NBA. With so many new players coming in, a lot of people will be cut, but I’m telling you – these ladies have a lot of balls going up against the men of the NBA. I really, really envy their balls.”

The CENBA is set to be launched by the 2015 basketball season, and insider reports already are talking numbers and money. Most sports professionals say that a merger could bring in almost double the revenue that the NBA brought in during the 2014 season. That would be equivalent to approximately 36 times the revenue brought in by the WNBA over the last 5 seasons.

 

Al Gore Rushed to New England Hospital With Symptoms Of Frostbite

CONCORD, New Hampshire – Al Gore Rushed to New England Hospital With Case Of Frostbite

Former vice-president Al Gore was reportedly struck with a violent case of frostbite earlier this morning, while indoctrinating America’s youth in the perils of global warming at a New England elementary school .

After a frighteningly inappropriate speech given in the schools gymnasium, Gore was invited to follow the children out to recess. According to several teachers, Gore was not appropriately dressed for the cold front gripping the area, and while playing ‘King of the Hill’ with the children, he became soaked in cold, wet snow. A secret service agent, assigned to the former vice-president during his tours, noticed red splotches on Gore’s face and hands.

“Well, it was supposed to be a speech on conservation. You know – turn off lights, don’t run the water when brushing your teeth, that sort of thing,” said Ralph Stevens, 4th grade teacher. “But Mr. Gore took his speech over the top. My God, he had a slide show featuring dead polar bears, crying Eskimos, and drawings of cities under water. When it was done, the children were visibly upset and many were crying about the dead animals, so I called for recess to cheer them up.”

“It was disgusting, really,” said Principal Ann Parsons. “Mr. Gore followed the children outside, taking over a game of King of the Hill, and he was violently shoving kids off the hill, declaring himself Ruler of the World. I tried to stop it, but the secret service would not let me get close. It was unseasonably chilly, around 28 degrees, and although the children were all dressed in winter clothes, Mr. Gore was just in a suit and tie, not even a jacket. After about an hour, the secret service swarmed around him and whisked him away to the motorcade, knocking over children as they went. I was glad to see him go.”

“Luckily the doctors say I will end up being okay, and that we got here in time, so there’s no reason to amputate anything,” said Gore from a Massachusetts General hospital bed. ”I was wondering why my entire body was aching and hurting. I just thought it was because I was throwing all those kids around. Anyway, I just want everyone to know global warming is real, and that I will continue to educate the children through my school tours. I can show you all the science you need, but the average temperature dropping over the last seven years should prove it all. If no one else, the uneducated kids of America will certainly believe me.”

 

Jeopardy! Producers Claim Ken Jennings Cheated During His Epic Show Run

BURBANK, California – Jeopardy! Producers Claim Ken Jennings Cheated During His Epic Show Run

Ken Jennings, the longest-running Jeopardy! champion in the history of the game show, who won 74 straight Jeopardy games in a row, has been accused of cheating by producers of the popular series. After pouring over hours of taped footage, producers have made a spectacular discovery, and they say they are asking for the astounding $3,196,300 Jennings won during his run  back.

“After receiving an anonymous tip from someone who only identified themselves as Hal, we decided to do an investigation,” said Brad Butters, executive producer of Jeopardy! “After going over hours of game footage, along with backstage footage of Ken in our green room, certain patterns became clear to us. Mr. Jennings, who spent over 125 hours in our sound studio never once used the bathroom, and in our green room – where contestants spend most of their time – Jennings never once ate or drank anything from our free buffet. This seemed extremely odd to us.”

“Game footage revealed that, despite being under bright studio lights, Ken never once blinked or had a drop of sweat anywhere on his brow,” said Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek. “As the producers researched his footage, they also noticed that in game 53 of Ken’s winning streak, competing contestant Brenda Bush was having a sort of ‘wardrobe malfunction’ that caused many nip-slips, and he never even once glanced over to her. I say that it definitely proves that Ken Jennings is not a man at all, and that he must be an android being.”

“By the rules of the game, Ken cheated. Line 43 of the Jeopardy application clearly states that all contestants must be human, and that any sort of cyborg or android beings are strictly prohibited,” said Butters. “We have made numerous calls to Ken to get back our $3 million dollars, but all we get when we call him is that annoying fax machine-type sound you used to get prior to everyone having a cell phone.”

“Being accused of cheating does not compute,” said Jennings in a statement to the Associated Press when news of the possible scandal reached his home. “I was not programmed to cheat, therefore I cannot. It’s not a possibility. Thus ends my comments on the accusations, as it is time for me to recharge.”

 

NFL Announces New Schedule; Games To Be Added Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday Nights

MANHATTAN, New York – NFL Announces New Schedule; Games To Be Added Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday Nights

With football season back in full effect, the question ever American is asking is ‘Are You Ready For Some Football!?’ Tickets sales for the NFL have hit record highs this year, as well as record subscriptions being recorded for TVs The NFL Network.

The NFL has been around for decades, but over the past few years fans have been given more and more options to watch highlights, full games, and find stats. CEO of the NFL, Roger Goodell, claims that fans are eating it up, and that ratings have sky rocketed.

“Back when the NFL started, people just watched one game on television if they were lucky. Now, we have the technology to broadcast every game and even have multiple games played on one day,” said Goodell. “Even our NFL shows that just review match-ups, predictions, and highlights of the games have been bringing in huge numbers, so we have decided to give fans exactly what they want.”

With new contracts starting in the 2015 NFL football season, Goodell and his board of directors for NFL programming have increased the number of days that games will be played. Currently, games are played and broadcast on Sunday, Monday, and Thursday evenings. Starting in 2015, the NFL plans to also add Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday games.

“At first we couldn’t believe the feedback we got for Monday night football, so we did Thursday night football. When we saw those numbers we thought ‘Wow! people really like watching football,'” said Goodell. “It’s with that in mind that we’ve decided to add more days, and more games. We want to give these rabid NFL fans exactly what they want.”

With this recent announcement, contracts and team schedules are still in the air. It is unclear how many games will be played next season for each team, but at least two NFL teams will now being playing daily.

Other network TV stations say they are worried that they may lose a large amount of evening viewers if the NFL has games every night.

“We already have some pretty weak programming on during the evening, especially during the weekends,” said CBS program director Bill Waters. “If the NFL is going to broadcast a game every night, we’re honestly considering just going dark during the games. What’s the point of airing something that no one will watch?”

At this point in time, Goodell says they have no intention of expanding the season for the NFL, but he says if the 7-day games option does as well as they expect, the 2016 season could see an extension to include the rest of the year.

 

 

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