Pope During First U.S. Visit: ‘Even God Doesn’t Love Kim Davis’

pope kim davis

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Pope Francis arrived in the United States earlier this week, in his first ever visit to the country. The pontiff has a very full schedule during his trip, including speaking before congress and meeting with President Obama, but his initial act upon arriving on US soil was shocking to everyone, as he has apparently agreed to meet with recent headline-grabber Kim Davis.

Davis, who was arrested for defying a court order that stated as a Kentucky county clerk she must provide marriage licenses to gay couples, has been stealing headlines from more important news items for the last 2 months. When Davis heard that the Pope was coming to the US, she begged the Vatican to allow her to have a one-on-one meeting with the Pontiff. Upon hearing her request, the Pope reportedly scoffed at the idea, initially laughing it off completely.

“Ms. Davis is not the kind of person I would like to speak with normally,” said the Pope when asked about his meeting with the bigoted Kentucky clerk. “The only reason I am interested in speaking with her is to tell her that’s she’s being considered for excommunication, and that even God doesn’t love her.”

Pope Francis, although stoutly against gay marriage, says that all people on Earth are loved by God, with the exception of Kim Davis, and that bigotry and hatred and idiocy are no excuse for not doing your job.

Kim Davis Accidentally Issues Marriage License To Transgender Couple

kim davis

ROWAN COUNTY, Kentucky – 

Kim Davis, the woman who repeatedly refused to issue a marriage license to a gay couple and has since received national media attention, reportedly didn’t have a problem issuing other marriage licenses during the same time period, as it was recently discovered that she signed her name on the license of a transgender couple.

“She didn’t bat an eye when we walked in, and asked for a marriage license,” said Jennifer Jones, formerly Joseph Jones. “We had all of our paperwork in order, we asked, she smiled, signed it, and handed it over. It was that easy.”

“I was surprised, to be honest, that it went so smoothly,” said Jones’ husband, Marshall Rogers, formerly Michelle Rogers. “I mean, we’ve both completely transitioned from one sex to the other, and as far as anyone is concerned, I am a male, and Jennifer is female. But to be truthful, we both look like we are a bit…off. She still has a 5 o’clock shadow. I’ve still got little buds of boobs. At any rate, Ms. Davis didn’t seem to question it, and we received our marriage license with no issue. Sad, really. We kind of only did it to get in on the attention, too, and we had no problems.”

Davis, who despite being married and divorced several times, as well as having children out of wedlock, is apparently devoutly religious, to the point that she would not “sign her own name” to a marriage license of a homosexual couple. Since the massive media attention brought to her, she has been arrested and reportedly removed from her position as county clerk for violating federal laws.

“It’s a sad day, really, when a couple like us can get married and a bigot has no problems signing her name to it, but yet that nice gay couple had to go through everything they did just to have the option to get married,” said Jones. “Apparently, it’s okay to deny some gay men a marriage license, but not some trans folk like us. I guess one of those guys should have just put on a wig, and it all might have been okay.”

 

Dogs Campaigning for Right to Marry Humans; Say if Gays Can do it, Why Can’t They?

dogs

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In an unexpected playing out of the straw man argument that conservatives use against gay rights, a local dogs’ group has started a campaign for the legalization of human-dog marriages. Their main argument is, if gays can do it, why can’t we? The number of canines interested in interspecies – or any type of – marriage is reportedly small, but they are resolved to be vocal in bringing their cause to public attention.

“Once gay marriage became legal in many states, the whole idea of what a marriage should be was permanently altered,” said Timothy Kruger, the dog at the head of the campaign. “Since it’s no longer defined as the joining of a man and a woman, who’s to say at what point we should stop. A man should be allowed to marry his dog.”

Resistance from conservative groups has been swift and strong, as expected. They have also, predictably, said “I told you so” with smug looks on their faces, before decrying the acceptance of dogs, gays and liberals in modern society.

“What is our world coming to, when the idea of dog marriage is seriously entertained?” asked Senator Ted Cruz. “We knew all along that this would happen – that our society would crumble before our eyes – but those on the left always think they know better.”

Human marriage equality groups have been mixed in their responses, with the majority against the legalization of human-dog marriage, but some fringe organizations actively supporting it.

“I don’t think dogs should be discriminated against, but the problem is that this comes too soon,” said head of LGBTI group, Gay For Life, Samuel Martin. “It gives the Republicans a leg to stand on which, quite frankly, they don’t need. We need a few more decades for the normalization of gay marriage, before we can start thinking about more liberal measures.”

Roger Hess, a member of the same group, however, disagreed strongly.

“It will harm our cause, there’s no doubt about that,” he said. “But that’s no reason to allow blatant discrimination to go on. We need to stand up for progressive values, no matter how hard it might be.”

Alabama Judge Looks to Reverse Gay Marriage Decision: ‘Alabama Must Keep Identity’

Alabama Judge Ready to Reverse Gay Marriage Decision: 'Alabama Must Keep Identity'

 

MONTGOMERY, Alabama – 

After Alabama is successfully allowed the legalization of gay marriage within its borders, the debate from both sides about whether or not it was the right decision for the state has reached a boiling point, and one judge has made it clear he cannot allow gay marriage to exist in this state during his tenure.

“It is not in keeping with the spirit and history of Alabama,” said Honorable Judge Oscar Wellington. “Our state has kept a long and proud history of being far behind the times as compared to other states. We cannot suddenly allow ourselves to be within the first half of states to legalize gay marriage.”

Judge Wellington is not interested in stopping gay marriage for the usual moral reasons, fully admitting there is no actual threat or danger to allowing gays to marry. He states quite bluntly, “This is not about morality or legality. This is about our heritage as the citizens of Alabama.”

“What would we be saying to our children if we did not hold out until the bitter end? Blind racism is still strong in our state. Hell, we only recently technically allowed interracial marriage. Incestuous marriage is still plenty legal within our borders. We have a clear line of reasoning, or lack thereof, and we need to stay true to it.”

Judge Wellington is indeed correct, as Alabama does hold some of the most ridiculous laws still on the books. Dominoes cannot be played on Sundays. It is illegal to wear a false mustache – with intent to cause laughter – in a church. It is still an offense to open an umbrella on a street or sidewalk. These and other laws set a precedent that reasonable action in law has no place in the state.

“Approximately one in every seven individuals cannot read in the state of Alabama. Nearly one out of every four students do not graduate high school. One out of every ten teenagers between ages 10-19 become pregnant. Hell, we consider a fetus a person with full rights here! It’s absurd, and that’s the way we love it here in this great state,” said Wellington. “Alabama must retain this history and its heritage of poor reasonability, else, we lose our identity. That is why gays like myself cannot, and will not, be allowed to marry here!”

Pope Francis Stepping Down, Says ‘There is no God’

VATICAN CITY, Rome – Pope Francis Stepping Down, Says 'There is no God'

Pope Francis shocked the Catholic world today announcing that he plans on stepping down from his position. Papal Resignation is extremely rare, and this will only be the 7th time in the history of the church. Pope Francis made his announcement from his balcony in Vatican City to thousand of shocked spectators. 

“I have come to the conclusion there is no God,” said Pope Francis, a man who has become known for his unorthodox views on the Catholic church. “I have dedicated my life to the church. Clearly, so many wasted years of unanswered prayers. I can no longer in good faith head the church anymore, as whatever spirit that had filled my heart is gone.”

A shocked crowd of onlookers became extremely quiet as the Pontiff continued, many of whom openly wept.

“I will stay on long enough for another Pope to be chosen, of course. I know many of you will be upset, but please be happy for me and my new life. I plan on spending my remaining years traveling, maybe finding a good woman and settling down. Hell, maybe even a good man. Who knows? It’s a new day, and I solemnly believe that everyone should choose to live their life the way they want. I wish you all the best and don’t let my decision stop you from believing in an imaginary God, if that’s what you want to do.”

”Pope Francis’ decision comes as no surprise to Vatican insiders, his hard-line stance on altar boy molestation, his generosity to the poor, and his blessing of gay marriage have made unpopular among priests of the church,” says Vatican reporter  Francesco Rinaldi. “Some say the Pope was being blackmailed to step down by Church officials. Whatever the reason, most look forward to his departure so the Church can get back to business as usual – hating gays and bashing sinners.”

 

Pope Francis Changes His Stance On Homosexuality, Gives Blessing On Gay Marriage

VATICAN CITY, Rome – Pope Francis Changes His Stance On Homosexuality, Gives Blessing On Gay Marriage

In a stunning move yesterday, Pope Francis has had a major reversal on his position of gay marriage. As leader of the Catholic Church, his blessing of gay marriage has upended an almost 2000 year position on the subject. Throughout the world, gay and lesbian Catholic couples celebrated the Pope’s change of heart. Here in the United States, this will no doubt influence many states to finally legalize gay marriage. 

“For too many years, the church has excluded a whole segment of the population. I see now that this was wrong and I humbly ask for forgiveness,” said His Holiness, Pope Francis, in a written statement. “I would like to thank the special, anonymous person that changed my mind, for the DVD they sent me changed my life. They know who they are. I now see that the love gay couples share is equal to the love all couples share. I would also like to thank Miss Sasha Grey and Miss Raven Riley for the film they made, Lessons In Lesbian Licking 14, as it has opened my eyes to a whole new world. I have ordered Lessons 1-13 now as well, for I feel it is my obligation to explore those that have been neglected by the Church. I have sent numerous messages to Miss Grey and Miss Riley for them to come visit me here at the Vatican, but I have yet to get a response. It is my hope this message reaches them.”

 “It’s fabulous! Just super-fab!” said Larry Lance, an openly gay man in San Diego. “If the Pope was here right now, I would kiss that silly hat of his. Turns out he’s a horny old man, but who cares?! God bless him! Today I’m proud to say ‘I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m Catholic!’”

 

Man Uses Loophole In Gay Marriage Laws To Wed German Shepherd

AUGUSTA, Maine – Man Uses Loophole In Gay Marriage Laws To Wed German Shepherd

A Maine resident, 34-year-old Charles DeMar, has discovered a loophole in his state’s gay marriage laws that have allowed him to legally wed his 2-year-old German Shepherd mix, Jake. DeMar bought Jake from a shelter a little over a year ago, and he says that they have been inseparable ever since.

“I love Jake more than I have ever loved anyone in the world,” said DeMar, a retail manager for a large big-box chain. “I’m not homosexual, myself. I’ve never really been attracted to any man or woman that I’ve known. When I adopted Jake, I was lonely. I haven’t been lonely since.”

According to the wording of laws in most states where gay marriage has been legalized, a man or woman may marry someone of the same sex, and be granted the same rights and privileges as that of heterosexual couples. The laws in Maine, which voted to legalize same-sex marriages in 2012, are worded slightly differently, allowing DeMar to legally wed his canine pal.

“In Maine, we made the mistake of saying that any male can marry another male, or female can marry female, and be granted the rights of marriage,” said David Klein, a representative for the Maine State Bar Association. “Because it does not say man and man, but rather male and male, Mr. DeMar was able to apply for and receive his marriage license at his local town hall.”

Normally, laws would also be worded to include statements about both parties being mentally fit and able to sign the marriage certificate, which is a legally binding document.

“That wasn’t the case in Maine, either,” said DeMar. “I really looked into a lot before we went through with this. I signed my name, and Jake really did put his paw into some ink and I had him step on the certificate. I think he knows that we’re married. He gave me sloppy kisses right there at the town hall in front of the notary public.”

Officials for the Maine State Attorney General say that they are working with the local and state government agencies to re-word the law as quickly as possible, before anyone else uses the loophole to wed their pets.

“This was an oversight on our part that is bringing us disturbing attention,” said Klein. “You can bet that the laws will be rescinded and changed as quickly as possible.”

“I’m just so happy that I was able to make this happen,” said DeMar. “Unfortunately, Maine state law is extremely strict on the acts of bestiality, so I refuse to elaborate on whether or not we have consummated our relationship. I will say, though, that neither myself or Jake have ever been ones to ‘follow the rules,’ if you know what I mean.”

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