KKK Takes Up New Cause, Hopes To ‘Make America Straight Again’

NORTH CAROLINA – 

Protests got heated on Monday when the Ku Klux Klan marched to “Make America Straight Again.” The faction of the KKK called the “Loyal White Knights” banned together with their white brotherhood with hopes that the US will reverse their legal stance on gay marriage.

“These people are disgusting and need to be stopped,” said Jed Murry, KKK member. “Hugging and rubbing like it’s okay. It’s not okay. God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

The march was met by opposition from the LGBTQ community that flew in to North Carolina from all over the country. “We have a right to love,” said Rita Connerly, gay activist. “We have feelings just like everyone else. We will not loose our rights to gay marriage.”

The march ended without incident.

Mike Pence’s Secret GAY Romance REVEALED By Scorned Lover!

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence listens to a question during a news conference, Tuesday, March 31, 2015, in Indianapolis. Pence said that he wants legislation on his desk by the end of the week to clarify that a new religious-freedom law does not allow discrimination. The law has triggered an outcry, with businesses and organizations voicing concern and some states barring government-funded travel to the Midwestern state. (AP Photo/Darron Cummings)

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Vice President Mike Pence, a staunch Christian, Conservative, and Republican (in that order), is one of the few people left in this world to a throwback era before homosexuality was, for the most part, legal and accepted. He has previously stepped out against gay marriage, and firmly believes that electro-shock therapy can actually “cure” gay people from their “affliction.”

But all of that seems to have been a front or some sort of clever ruse, because a man has come forward claiming that he is Mike Pence’s scorned lover, and he’s ready to bare it all for the media.

“Mike and I had a relationship for over 15 years, long before he was in the public eye,” said the man, who is speaking anonymously until such time he feels it is right to reveal his identity. “I have letters, photographs, text messages, and…even some risque images that can all be used as proof of our relationship. But this wasn’t all about sex, this was love. I absolutely love him, more than any man I’ve ever met, even know, after he threw me away for politics and a public life.”

The anonymous lover says the romance ended in 2014, a year or so after Pence became governor of Indiana.

“We tried to keep things going, but between his political life, his fake marriage to his wife, and everything else, it was very hard,” said the man. “Of course, I wanted to keep seeing him, but he broke it off, and changed his number. I had no way of reaching him. It still breaks my heart. And it breaks it more every time he says something harsh against the gay community. I know what he’s really thinking, and I see it every time he speaks negatively about us…he’s just doing it to keep a persona, but deep down, he would love to have a dick in or around his mouth again.”

Homophobic Man ‘Comes Out’ As Gay – Friends Say ‘It’s About Damn Time’

SAN FRANCISCO, California – 

Johnathan “Johnny” Smith, 28, has lived in San Francisco his whole life, and always said how much he hated it.

“It’s because of the fags,” Smith said. “I always hated them with their little dogs and their perfect, chizled abs, and their tight butts, and ohh, my God, their taste in music. I mean ABBA? Have you ever heard such terrible music?”

According to Smith, though, he finally relaxed a few weeks ago, after meeting and falling in love with his palates trainer, Dominic.

“It turns out I was gay all this time,” said Smith. “I was a self-loathing fag, and I just couldn’t admit it to anyone. That’s what my shrink says, anyway. It was all about projection. I’m so glad that I cleared all this up, though.”

Smith’s friends say that it’s “About damn time” that he come out of the closet.

“I’ve known Johnny since we were both 4-years-old,” said longtime friend Bryan Healy. “He used to wipe his little pee pee out, and chase all the boys, yelling ‘suck me! suck me!’ up until the time he was about 14. It really kind of stopped being cute somewhere along the way, and was more disturbing. When he started saying that he hated gay people, we just couldn’t believe it. He’s clearly always been into guys.”

“Oh my God, I just cannot wait to go shopping tonight with Dom,” said Smith. “He promised to take me out for a fancy dinner, as long as I eat light, like a salad or maybe just a couple of olives or something, and then take me to a movie! We are going to see Baywatch, cause mmm mmm – Dwayne The Rock and those abs? Oh baby, I should have come out years ago.”

VP Mike Pence Accidentally Electrocutes Himself, Claims He’s Now Gay

pence

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Vice President Mike Pence reportedly electrocuted himself accidentally after touching a light switch after getting out of the shower, while still wet. Ironically, the VP now claims that he is homosexual, and has planned a massive “coming out” party at the White House.

Pence, who has long been known for his completely stupid views on homosexuality and believing that it can be cured via electro-shock therapy, is now referring to himself as “a big, flaming fag,” and says he’s never been happier.

“Oh my God you guys, being gay is so wonderful and amazing. I mean, I wanna say I told you so, ’cause if I’m gay just from getting shocked, there’s no WAY that shocking couldn’t cause the opposite effect, ya know?” said Pence in a fun, sing-song voice. “But, you know, I’m just too damn giddy to even consider being negative like that. I’m the first gay man in power since Elton John’s Tiny Dancer was #1 on the charts. Ohh, baby!”

The gay community, which is normally very happy when a major celebrity comes out, has withdrawn from Pence’s announcement, and calls it “truly stupid.”

New Study Finds That Babies Fed Formula Over Breastmilk More Likely To Become Gay

formula

PERKINS, Iowa –

A study performed by scientists at the Perkins Institute of Genetic Studies in Iowa found that children that are fed powdered or liquid formula are more likely to become gay than babies who are fed breastmilk.

The study, which was performed over 20 years at the Perkins Institute followed 200 different babies from the time they were born until the time they were 20 years old. Dr. Sam Klein, who was the lead on the study, said that a whopping 89% of the babies who were given formula turned out to be homosexual.

“There is such a thing as correlation, and there is such a thing as causation, and with these overwhelming numbers, we believe that formula is a direct cause of homosexuality,” said Dr. Klein. “The chemical known as Benozite Carbon, which makes up a large portion of formula, seems to be to blame.”

Benozite Carbon is not found in natural breastmilk, but is needed to lengthen the shelf life of formulas.

Dr. Klein says that they are beginning their second study, which will follow new children, and plans to release his findings in medical journals this summer.

Inmate Sues Prison System After Saying Multiple Assaults ‘Turned Him Gay’

gay

CARSON CITY, Nevada – 

Johnny “Rebel” Wilson, 30, is an inmate in the Carson City prison system in Nevada, and has been since he was 19. Wilson was convicted of slaughtering his entire family in 2004, and is serving a life sentence. Wilson claims now, though, that the last decade of rapes and attacks he has been inflicted with has “turned him gay,” and he is suing the prison system.

“I weren’t no faggot when I came into jail, but I been getting raped so long and so hard, that now all I can do is think about sweet, fat cock,” said Wilson. “I don’t wanna be no queer, and this shit ain’t right. It’s the prison’s fault for making me a gay. Hell they don’t even give these guys no condoms, so I have to take it raw. That’s probably why I’m so gay now. If they at least had condoms, I probably wouldn’t have gotten the gay this bad.”

Lawyers for Wilson say that he doesn’t have much of case, but that his homies on the outside are coercing them into taking the job.

“Obviously Mr. Wilson was gay before he came to prison, as it’s pretty common knowledge that you’re either born gay, or you’re not, but no matter what we tell him, Mr. Wilson insists that the prison is to blame,” said attorney Joseph A. Goldsmith. “We can’t talk him out of this lawsuit, so we’re moving forward at his request.”

Goldsmith says that his client is seeking monetary damages of $15 million for his sudden “gayness,” and says that the strain and stress has been so bad, that he deserves to be let out of prison with a full pardon.

Cards Against Humanity Makers Charged with Crimes Against Humanity

cards

SPRINGFIELD, Massachusetts – 

Abiding Truth Ministries has charged creators of the popular card game, Cards Against Humanity, with crimes against humanity, including encouraging Blasphemy and Sin. After years of failed rallying against homosexuality, the group has decided to “try an easier foe.”

Founder Scott Lively is best known as author of The Pink Swastika, which exposes homosexuality in the Nazi party. Lively has no doubt that they will be able to shut down production of the extremely popular card game, once people are made aware of what their children are playing.

“Sin is no laughing matter, and they make a game out of it. This is worse than what the Nazi party did. They were homosexual, but made it right by killing Jesus-hating Jews. I can not find anything redeeming about this game,” said Lively.

“I’m really surprised that they don’t like our game, since it’s full of great combos of cards that could totally be construed as racist if you wanted them to be,” said Cards Against Humanity spokesman Joseph Reilly. “I’m pretty sure that we have plenty of reference to Jews, Jesus, Nazis, Hitler – I mean all matter of horrible things in there. We’re not worried about this lawsuit at all. Just like our cards, this is just a game to us.”

Boy Scouts of America Announce Decision To Only Allow Gay Boys Into Troops

boy scouts

BILLINGS, Montana – 

The Boys Scouts of America, long-known as one of the most horrible groups you could ever put your child in, has a history of bigoted behavior, not allowing African-American children into the groups until the 1970s, and still, to this day, not allowing gay or transgendered children or scout leaders to join.

All that is apparently changing, as the group has taken massive heat and controversy in the last several years. Today, the Boy Scouts of America have announced that they will no longer be accepting straight boys into the troops; from here on out, all children must be gay.

“This is a big leap forward for all of the homosexual scouts and leaders who have been forced to leave the Scouts over the years,” said former scout Johnny Mullens, a 19-year-old gay teen who was kicked out of his troop 7 years ago. “I think they’re taking it to an extreme here, since now they’re not even letting straight kids in, but hey, at least we’re making some headway.”

According to the Boy Scouts, they will be phasing out their current rosters over the remaining portion of the year, and are encouraging homosexual children between the ages of 9 and 16 to sign up.

Woman Takes Testosterone Supplements While Pregnant To Make Baby More ‘Manly’

baby

TORONTO, Canada –

Tragically, Kathy Martin did not know the consequences or seek a doctor’s advice before taking testosterone supplements while pregnant. She says her husband, Dave, encouraged her to take them so their baby boy would be more masculine than their first child.

Their newborn son was delivered 5 weeks premature, suffering from severe birth defects. Androgen supplements are considered a class D drug and should obviously never be used during pregnancy.

“We just didn’t want another little flamer like the last one,” says David, who is facing criminal charges for supplying the supplements to his wife after purchasing them illegally over the internet. “Don’t get me wrong, we love our oldest son, but at four years old you can already see the he is afflicted with the disease of faggotry. He says his favorite color is pink and his favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. That’s not the son I wanted, but yeah, we love him. He’s from my loins, unfortunately.”

Kathy says, “As a good Christian woman it is my responsibility to honor and obey my husband without question. He assured me there would be no risks to the baby, and that the mustache I grew would surely fall right off after the baby was born.”

Both parents are being investigated by child protective services as well as local police.

Students Bullied In School Over Sexuality Should ‘Act Less Gay,’ Says Principal

bullied

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – 

A school principal is in hot water today after telling a student who was being bullied over his sexuality that if he wanted to not get picked on, he should “act less gay.”

“It’s only rational to me that if you come into school, and you’re super flaming and other kids are harassing you, that maybe you should tone it down a bit, and stop flaunting your extra gayness,” said principal John Waters of Charleston Junior High. “I have nothing against gay people. Some of my closest friends are gay, but they don’t walk around wearing pink shirts with pictures of penises on them and painting their faces with rainbows like some of these kids do today.”

School policy does not allow faculty to divulge the name of any students involved in bullying incidents, but some students spoke to a local Charleston news station, anonymously, about the harassment they’ve dealt with.

“I used to get picked on all the time because I’m a Jew,” said one student. “I told the principal, and he told me just to stop wearing my yarmulke, and maybe cut my ‘jew dreads,’ and the bullies would forget about me. I was a little upset at first, but I did what he suggested, and now I don’t get picked on, so I guess his advice worked.”

“I’ve actually told Principal Waters multiple times that I get picked on all the time for being poor and black, but he told me to just to suck it up, because there was no way I couldn’t pretend to not be black anymore,” said another student. “He did suggest that I rob a couple stores and get higher-end clothes, and maybe appear more rich, but that only worked for a couple weeks, because I only had one set of nice clothes. After they started to smell, I got picked on for that. The principal sucks.”

School administrators say they are “looking into” repeated incidents of misconduct on the part of Principal Waters.

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