Transgender People Not Allowed To Use Any Public Restroom In Georgia Thanks To New Laws

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Following a very divisive ruling in North Carolina that makes it so that a person’s birth gender is the one they must identify with when using public restrooms, Georgia has created their own new laws, which make it so that people who are transgender are not allowed to use public restrooms at all.

“Trannies are nasty, and we don’t want them to use either bathroom when they are in public,” said Georgia state senator Luke Davidson. “If you are a tranny, you must use your own bathroom, or a bathroom in another private establishment. In public, you are not allowed to use a bathroom, because we don’t trust you not to molest our kids or rape someone.”

Davidson says that the North Carolina ruling made it “very easy” for Georgia to create their own laws, and that it is a major step in the right direction, but transgender people in the state say that the law is too discriminatory.

“I have no desire to molest your children, and I am definitely not a rapist,” said transgender man Ricky Law. “I just have to take a shit sometimes, like anyone else, and I need a bathroom to do it. This law is outrageous, and there are a lot of us that will fight it all the way to the damn White House if we have to.”

“I don’t care what some nasty dickless man says, it’s not right for someone to use a bathroom if they can’t even decide what sex they are,” said Davidson. “Obviously everyone within the state agrees, or we never would have gotten these laws to pass. Sorry trannies, just stop being weird, and you can start going again like the rest of us.”

Woman Gives Birth To Baby Born 36 Weeks Late

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Selena Myers, 38, gave birth to a happy, healthy, 18 pound baby yesterday afternoon at an Atlanta hospital. The child, which clocks in at one of the heaviest ever delivered, was also an astounding 36 weeks late.

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“It was very odd, because normally, you’re only pregnant for about 39 or 40 weeks,” said Myers’ midwife, Donna Landers. “Selena was not even closing to being to term at 40 weeks. In fact, she gestated extremely slowly. Her baby was almost 9 months late.”

Doctors are unsure how it is the Myers was able to carry her baby for the extra length of time, or why her body did not grow the child at a “proper rate,” but so far, all signs point to a healthy baby.

“During the pregnancy, I’d go in for my checkups, and they thought that maybe the baby would just be a little smaller than normal,” said Myers. “After a while, though, we realized that it was still going to be the size of a gummy bear when I gave birth, if I did so at the 9 month mark. In the end, I was closer to the 19th month.”

Myers has said that she is naming her baby Miracle Sparkle Myers.

Haunted House Owners Cover Up Man’s Death By Disguising Him As Prop

MARIETTA, Georgia – 

A couple who run a haunted house in Marietta, Georgia are under arrest today after reportedly trying to hide the death of one of their customers.

Geoff March, 67, had apparently visited the haunted house 2 weeks ago by himself, when he suffered a major heart attack. The couple, Marlene and Joseph Rogers, allegedly dressed March in tattered clothes, and made him up to look like a zombie.

“It’s one of the most disturbing, odd crimes I’ve ever seen,” said Marietta police chief Joe Goldsmith. “They were not at fault. It was an accident. Mr. March had a history of heart problems, and he was scared to death. It’s tragic, but it wasn’t a crime.”

According to Goldsmith, the Rogers couple assumed they would be held liable, and didn’t want to face charges.

“We had no idea he had previous heart problems,” said Joseph Rogers. “We thought we literally scared this man to death, and it was our fault. I panicked, and I talked Marlene into helping me dress him up like a zombie. None of our other patrons over the last couple weeks even noticed.”

Chief Goldsmith says that the couple were found out when March’s body began to smell badly, and customers complained.

“One of our deputies happened to go through the house on his night off, and he smelled death,” said Goldsmith. “When he confronted the Rogers, they burst into tears. They were taken into custody late last night.”

The Rogers are charged with concealing a deceased individual, a class C-felony. They face up to 2 years in prison.

Woman Has Husband’s Penis Stuffed By Taxidermist After Untimely Death

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Mary Lambert, 34, has reportedly had her deceased husband’s penis ‘stuffed’ by a professional taxidermist after he passed away last week from colon cancer.

Lambert says that her husband, Mark, who died last Monday, suffered for over 3 years from the disease, and that he gave her permission before he died to have his penis removed and taxidermied so that she could continue to enjoy it.

“My husband Mark and I were high school sweethearts, and neither of us was ever with anyone else sexually,” said Lambert. “I told Mark that I never wanted to be with anyone else after he was gone, and he jokingly said maybe we should have his penis stuffed for me for ‘later use.’ After he got sick, the discussion became less of a joke, and more of a research game, trying to find a taxidermist who would do it.”

Lambert says that she was able to find a taxidermist in Texas who agreed to work with the penis, but because the law prohibits the taxidermy of humans, she has declined to say his or her name.

“All I will say is that they were very generous, and they agreed to perform the stuffing of Mark’s penis for free, knowing that it was for a grieving widow,” said Lambert. “I am just very glad that I do not have to go without now that Mark has passed, and I know that he is smiling down at me from Heaven when he watches my pleasure myself with his detached penis.”

Georgia Man Dies After Triggering Booby Trap He Rigged In His Own Home

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SAVANNAH, Georgia –

In an extremely gruesome and horrific scene, the body of Ernest Gaylord Michelberger, 67, of Savannah, Georgia was discovered severed in half near the waist earlier this week in his home where he lived alone.

Michelberger’s son, Gunner Michelberger, found his deceased father in a state that Savannah Poilice Department spokesperson Melinda Yarberry described as grotesquely bizarre. “After a thorough investigation of the scene and interviewing family members, cause of death has officially been ruled an accident by way of booby trap,” Yarberry said.

Gunner Michelberger said that his father had grown more and more paranoid over the years because of minorities moving into his neighborhood.

“My Daddy was not a racist, and he surely didn’t raise his kids to be a racist, but the fear of getting the house broken into and being robbed grew stronger and stronger. He bought a bunch of guns and learned how to rig booby traps from some book he had,” the younger Michelberger said.

The contraption constructed by the elder Michelberger consisted of an elaborate system of levers, pullies, and two chainsaws, which had push-button starters installed on them.

Yarberry, who held a small press briefing to discuss and answer questions regarding the towns police activities over the past week, made very adamantly that the death of Mr. Michelberger was a wake up call. “Over the years in the state of Georgia, more and more people are injured by booby traps they’ve created themselves. Installing any kind of booby trap is strictly prohibited by law in the state of Georgia. Things likes this happen when people start getting paranoid,” she said.

Georgia Legislature Passes Reparations Bill; Gov’t To Give $2,500 To Every Black Male

ATLANTA, Georgia – Georgia Legislature Passes Reparations Bill; Gov’t To Give $2,500 To Every Black Male

In a move to finally make some amends for slavery, the Georgia State Legislature has passed a reparations bill that will go into effect immediately. The bill, which met very little opposition, will give every black male resident of the state of Georgia a tax-free check for $2,500. The deadline to register for the checks will be April 1st, 2015, with checks set for a November mailing.

“I pushed for this bill to pass and I pushed hard,” said Governor Nathan Deal. ”My fellow Republican governors and I felt it was the time was right to say ‘I’m sorry’. Slavery was a dark time in our history, and no amount of money could ever truly make amends, but all we could afford was $2,500, and even that was pretty damn hard to get.”

“It wasn’t easy getting Obama to release the money from the federal reserve, so I don’t think other states will be able to pass their own bills, at least not soon,” said state representative Bill Jones. “Since it looks like it will only be Georgia, I encourage all black males to move to Georgia and set up residency by Jan. 15th, 2016 if you want your money. Georgia has a lot to offer; good schools, warm weather, and an international airport in case you would like to spend that $2,500 on tickets to Africa or Jamaica or whatever. However you spend the money is your business, but remember it’s only for Georgia residents, so move to Georgia and remember, ‘We’re sorry.'”

“Is Obama an idiot? The republicans hoodwinked him good here,” said Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren. ”If all the African-Americans move to Georgia, who’s going to vote democrat in the other states? Obama just handed the electoral college to the republicans for 2016. Damn him. The least he could do was do it right and have the greedy corporations pay for it.”

 

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