Oprah Winfrey Files For Bankruptcy

CHICAGO, Illinois –

One of the most powerful women in show business has reportedly filed for bankruptcy. Oprah Winfrey – who just two years ago was worth an estimated $2.9 billion dollars – is now almost penniless, according to insiders.

“Poor financial decisions, poor political decisions, and now she’s just poor,” said Financial guru Max Manel. ”Her biggest downfall by far is her O Network. Ever since its conception, it’s been a giant money pit. Instead of just admitting failure and moving on, Oprah has been pouring millions more of her own money back in just to keep it on the air.”

“She also has made, multiple times, the poor decision of thinking she could be a political-backing powerhouse,” said analyst Connie Murphy. “Oprah has been wasting millions backing democrats on everything from small, local elections, to almost single-handedly funding both of Barack Obama’s campaigns.”

“She, like many people, really feels a need to be loved by everyone,” said Oprah’s close friend, Mary Williams. “Her self-esteem is horrible. All the expensive gifts she gave away on her talk show were just to get people to like her. Oprah buys people’s love with cash and presents. Until the O Network launched, and immediately bottomed out, she could afford to give out lavish gifts. But because of the complete failure of the network, plus the millions of dollars in cars, boats, trips, and every other ridiculous thing she gave away on TV, she’s just left broke.”

“It’s sad, so sad to watch,” said an anonymous intern at the O Network. “All she does is eat Bon-Bon’s and ice cream. Now that she’s broke, no one returns her phone calls. She watches E! News and sees Beyoncé and Jay-Z at parties with President Obama, and cries because she wasn’t invited, too. So, so sad.”

Oprah reportedly had no public comment on her bankruptcy.

Major Retailers To Begin Referring To Christmas As 'Presents Day' Next Year — Target is just one of several major retail chains to change references of ‘Christmas’ to ‘Presents Day’

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The holiday season is upon us once again, and with the holidays comes lots of shopping, decorating, and traveling. No matter what your religious beliefs may be, or how you decide to celebrate, this time has always been about spending time with the people you love.

Sadly, it appears that several major retailers have forgotten the true meaning of the season. Major chains including Best Buy, Target, and RadioShack, have made the decision to no longer use or acknowledge the word ‘Christmas’ or even ‘holiday’ in their marketing, but rather refer to December 25th as ‘Presents Day’.

“It makes perfect sense to me,” said Shane Owens, a seasonal cashier at Macy’s in New York City. “That’s all Christmas is to me really, the presents. I don’t really care about Jesus or religions at all. Most people don’t. All I’m worried about is getting a new iPhone, and some nice shoes. That is what Christmas is really about – presents. So I’m totally on board with the name change.”

Some stores, including Wal-Mart, say that they will not change their current marketing on holiday items.

“We sell a lot of Christmas, Hanukkah, and even Kwanza merchandise,” said Wal-Mart spokesman Carl Rollback. “We’re a very Christian-valued company, and as much stuff as well sell during the holidays to the masses of people looking to get new TVs, cell phones, and toys, we never want to take the Christ out of Christmas.”

“The more you buy for your friends and family, the more they will know that you love them,” said Target CEO Gary Reddot. “Christmas has lost all meaning, at least as word. Sure, plenty of people celebrate a Mass of Christ, for the birth of Jesus, blah blah blah. But most people who celebrate Christmas are just using it as an excuse to be as materialistic as possible. Those are the people we love.”