12-Year-Old Girl Who Didn’t Get Pony For Christmas Murders Parents While Wearing Horse Mask

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLTON, California –

A 12-year-old girl who asked her parents to get her a pony for Christmas has been arrested for murder, after it was discovered that she stabbed and cut up her parents for not getting her what she asked for.

“I wanted a goddamn pony, and they got me a horse,” said the girl, whose name is not being revealed due to her age. “I didn’t want a fucking horse, I wanted a pony. There’s a difference, and if they’re too stupid to know it, then they’re too stupid to live.”

According to police, the young girl herself called 911 to admit to her crime, and said that they could find her parents in the “goddamn stable” next to the “diced up body of that shitty horse.”

Police Chief Carl Lewis said it was the most gruesome scene that he’d ever witnessed.

“There were horse parts and body parts all over. We really had no idea which piece was human and which was not, it was insane. That fact that this was all done by a little girl, that’s what makes it even scarier,” said Lewis. “We also found a rubber horse mask, which she apparently wore during the crime.”

Currently, the girl is being housed in an undisclosed prison by police, with plans for her to be arraigned on January 3rd. If convicted, she will be the youngest person ever put on death row.

Parents Sue School For Not Allowing Daughter To Wear Skinny Jeans

Posted on May 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GORDON, Texas –

Parents of a 15-year-old teen are suing their local school district over their dress policy, after their daughter was sent home one day for inappropriate clothing. The school’s dress code policy requires that girls wear skirts, jumpers, frumpy jeans or “skorts.”

“My little daughter has the perfect little legs – well slightly knobby knees, but that’s not the point. If she was some chunky monkey I could understand prohibiting her from wearing skinny jeans,” said Mario Lewis, whose daughter, Samantha, was sent home for her clothing. “It would be in her own benefit. Just because some girls cannot pull them off does not mean my daughter should be punished.”

“The school is also forcing certain ideas about what it means to be a woman. If I had wanted wardrobe discrimination I would have shipped her off to some charter school where the dress code dictates she always wear dresses and be a proper lady. As a parent I made the informed decision to send her to public school where she could dress like a little skank if she saw fit. It’s my first amendment right.”

Other parents are upset, not at the ban of skinny jeans, but that it does not apply to everybody. “The gay kids get away with it,” says one father, who did not want his name used for fear saying something about gay kids made him look like a homosexual himself.

Some members of the community feel the dress code should be even stricter. Paul Acker, local resident says, “We should go back to a time when girls knew that the husband wears the pants. God’s plan for men and women is different, and not only skinny jeans but short skirts and makeup are a signal to Satan.”

Girl With Cerebral Palsy Saves Brother’s Life With Heimlich Maneuver

Posted on May 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Cerebral palsy is a group of problems that affect body movement and posture. It is related to a brain injury or to problems with brain development, and it is one of the most common causes of lasting disability in children. A young girl in Tucson, Arizona wasn’t hindered by her disability earlier this week, though, when she saved her brother from choking.

Melissa Jones, 8, was able to expertly perform the Heimlich maneuver on her 4-year-old brother, after seeing it performed on an episode of Dora The Explorer.

According to her parents, Melissa is obsessed with TV, and they have no idea how she learned it, nor how she was able to perform it, but they are “extremely grateful” that she was around.

“She never does anything active, so this is amazing,” said Melissa’s mom, Jennifer. “We are amazed, and we hope that she is able to continue to be active in extreme circumstances.”

Man Arrested After Stealing Money From Step-Daughter’s Piggy Bank

Posted on January 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSBAD, California –

Charlotte Melcher, age 7, called 911 all by herself to report that her stepfather, Drew Ellis, had stolen her money. Ellis admitted to police he had taken ten one dollar bills from the piggy bank to buy beer and cigarettes.

On the 911 call Charlotte says, “That was my money. Mine! I earned it doing chores and from Christmas. I told him not to take it!”

Police in Carlsbad did not take the offense lightly, charging Ellis with petty larceny after he admitted taking the money.

Mother Sierra Melcher says she thinks the arrest was unfounded and says Ellis would have replaced the money when he got paid. “I told Charlotte not to worry about it. I didn’t know she would call 911. Of course I don’t dare to spank her for doing it. Not now that I know she knows how to call the police. Next thing I know I’d be the one getting arrested.”

Ellis could not be reached for comment, but his lawyer, Joe Wickersham, says he is confident the case will be dismissed. The district attorney says that he is pushing for the maximum of 2 years in prison for the crime.

Teen Girl Dies While Masturbating, Parents Blame ‘Extremely Large Dildo’

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOPEKA, Kansas –

A 16-year-old girl was found dead in her home late Friday evening, apparently suffering from a heart attack while masturbating. Her parents, who would only give their first names, Joe and Carol, say they found their daughter, who they wish to not name, after they returned from their anniversary dinner.

“[Name redacted] knew she wasn’t supposed to use her mother’s big, black double-ender, and we’d never thought she’d sneak into our room and take it,” said Joe. “We didn’t really want to bring it up to her, because it’s embarrassing. I’d give anything to go back in time now, and tell her not to use such a big one. She wasn’t ready for that yet.”

“I’ve had so many more years of getting torn up, that really, I needed one that big to even feel it,” said Carol, who claims the dildo was around 9 inches or so in circumference. “[Name Redacted] was just a young girl. She shouldn’t have been taking one so big. It was too much, and her heart couldn’t take it.”

Joe and Carol say that they want their story to be a lesson to all parents, and that talking to your children about the dangers of excessively large sexual toys should be mentioned in the initial “birds and the bees” talk.

“Please, don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk to your kids,” said Joe. “They need to know that sometimes, a penis – real or fake – is just too damn big.”

Girl Born With Only Giant Mouth On Her Face Lives Happy, Healthy Life

Posted on December 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DECATUR, Alabama –

Jennie Clarke just turned 9-year-old on October 19th, and she’s one of the happiest girls you’ll ever meet. She loves to sing, talk to her friends on the phone, and listen to music like any other normal 9-year-old. The only thing about Jennie that’s different, though, is that she was born without any facial features at all; Jennie is all mouth.

“It was startling, to say the least, when she was born. I mean, all she had was this giant gaping mouth in her face,” said Jennie’s mother, Rhonda Clarke. “Over time though, we got used to it. People stare sometimes, and they gawk at her in public. Thankfully Jennie can’t tell though, since she has no eyes. She’s just the happiest girl.”

Doctors have reportedly never been able to determine Jennie’s exact medical condition, but Rhonda Clarke says that she’s not really interested anymore in figuring out why, she just wants Jennie to be able to live the best, most full life possible.

“She’s perfect in every other way,” said Rhonda. “Totally healthy, no issues. She eats, sleeps, plays, and everything just like every other girl her age, she’s just a little more special. We’re very, very blessed to have to wake up to her face every day. Family really is the most important thing there is.”

Young Girl Who Was Born Blind Has Eye Implants Donated From Pet Chicken

Posted on November 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNSTVILLE, Alabama –

Megan Clarke was born blind in both eyes, a rare condition doctors say was caused by a low dose of radiation from an X-ray her mother received before she knew she was pregnant.

“All Megan ever wanted from the time she could talk was to be able to see like the other kids, watch Dora The Explorer like the other kids, and look at the clouds and see shapes like the other kids,” said Megan’s mother, Marsha Clarke. “We thought for sure that Megan would be blind her entire life.”

Doctors say, though, that a generous donation of eyes from Megan’s pet chicken, Mrs. Cluckers, was able to help save the day.

“Mrs. Cluckers was a chicken that we got for Megan when she was 2,” said Marsha. “She never went anywhere with Mrs. Cluckers. It was cute, but slightly annoying. Chickens aren’t very clean animals. At any rate, Mrs. Cluckers had perfect 20/20 vision, so doctors swapped her eyes with Megan’s eyes.”

“Poor Mrs. Cluckers is now blind in both eyes, but Megan can see perfectly,” said surgeon Dr. Charles DeMar. “We had originally planned on just killing Mrs. Cluckers to use her eyes, but Megan said she’d rather stay blind than have Mrs. Cluckers be dead. So, we did what we thought was right, and we swapped their eyes.”

The operation reportedly took over 15 hours, but when it was completed, Megan had full vision in both eyes.

“It’s was a remarkable success,” said Marsha Clarke. “Sadly, Mrs. Cluckers will never be the same again. She wanders around now, just running into everything, and she looks creepy as hell with human eyes, but you know, Megan can see, and that’s all that matters.”

Girl Bitten By Octopus While Snorkeling Hospitalized After Tongue Grows ‘Suckers’

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

A young girl who was snorkeling off the coast of California last week says she was bitten by an octopus, and since then has grown tiny octopus suckers all over her tongue and other soft tissue.

“It actually started on my vagina, I noticed I was getting little octopus suckers,” said Jessica Smith, 20. “I could live with it, to be honest, but I went to the hospital the second they started growing on my tongue. It was keeping me from being able to speak properly.”

Doctors say that it was the first case of an octopus attack of any nature leading to the attackee actually turning into an octopus themselves.

“Ms. Smith is very luck she came in when she did,” said Dr. Martin Groves. ” I am not 100% sure how long this would go on for, as it was a very serious infection that seemed to effect all the soft tissue in her body. Her vagina, tongue, throat, and even parts of her anus were growing octopus suckers. It is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like it, thank God.”

Doctors were able to treat the infection, but removal of the suckers that had already grown had to be done with laser surgery.

“We worked in very delicate areas to remove the suckers,” said Dr. Groves. “We estimate that we were able to safely remove about 98% of the suckers with no visible pieces remaining. There are some that we could not get due to the safety of Ms. Smith.”

“Honestly, I really don’t care about the suckers that they left behind,” said Smith. “It was a couple inside my butt, and frankly, if you’re going to have octopus suckers on your body, the ass isn’t the worst place, right? It was super hard to get a picture of it for Instagram, though.”

Cam Girl Kidnapped By Admirer, Escapes Homemade Dungeon

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, Massachusetts –

Dark fantasy became reality for on-cam erotic performer Cassie Grant, who goes by Lolly Baby, when she was kidnapped from her apartment April 3^rd. Grant was able to gain her captor’s trust, by playing along with his fantasies and telling him she loved him.

“I know what men want to hear. Even sickos like him. When I found myself in his basement, Cassie was worried she was going to die. Lolly took over and went along with the disgusting things he wanted to do to me, and Cassie tuned it all out.

“It took me a couple weeks he trusted me to come upstairs. He had me in a bathtub with all these baby toys when I got my chance to slip through a window. He took my dirty dress with him and went to find another one, so I had no clothes. Scraped myself pretty bad, but I ran through the woods like a bat out of hell.” Cassie eventually made it to a neighbor who gave her clothes and called the police.

Real-world Cassie, told her family that she worked from home as a medical transcriptionist, when in reality she made a living as cam-presence, Lolly Baby. Twenty-two year old, Lolly specialized in “innocent role play” where she assumed the role of a submissive underage girl. She talked to many men, who would give her “tips” to chat with them and perform sexual acts on camera.

One of her admirers took the roleplay so seriously, he managed to track her down, first finding her real Facebook account. Police say the suspect, Fred Wheeler then hired a local private investigator to find her location, claiming he was an ex-landlord, who had been stiffed.

“I thought I was safe. I never gave out my real name. I think I may have let a few details slip about my location. You say things in the heat of the moment. I don’t know. There’s definitely no way I’m going to be able to keep doing this kind of work. Lolly Baby died in there.”

Kate Middleton’s Baby Expected to Crown With a Real Crown

Posted on April 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LONDON, England –

With speculation predicting Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton’s due date to be within a month and a half, excitement is growing, and we have added details to get your anticipation to another level. The baby, expected to be a girl, is going to crown wearing an actual crown. When the little princess starts to emerge from Kate’s vagina, sharp points of a crown of pure gold will tear through, ripping the baby from its mother’s womb in true royal style.

“We can confirm that Kate and William’s second baby will literally be crowning,” a spokesperson for the royal family said. “While this may be a painful ordeal for Catherine [Kate], it is a momentous occasion, as this little bugger will be the first ever royal to do so.”

Bookies are taking bets over whether or not Middleton’s anatomy will be ruined for any future babies, with a cesarean section reportedly out of the picture.

“They don’t want surgical procedures to ruin the crowning, and so the Duchess will have to suffer for it,” royal analyst Peter Simon told The Daily Mail. “I’m betting that there’ll be reconstructive surgery, but lightly done so that the next child can crown with an even bigger, more elaborate crown.”

Prince William reportedly supports this logistical decision for the birth, although it may impact on his sex life. Unnamed sources claim to have heard him say, “I can easily get another vagina, but not another crowning baby with a crown.”

When the late Princess Diana was pregnant with Prince Harry, speculation also suggested that the prince would crown with a crown, but in the end he simply emerged wearing a royal blue robe. This time, however, the rumors have been confirmed by the royal family themselves, and we can look forward to getting illicit videos of the event from the paparazzi.