DISTURBING Trend On The Rise Among ‘Goth’ Teens – Snorting Blood!

NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania – 

A new disturbing trend is on the rise throughout the United States, specifically among “gothic” teens – snorting the blood of friends in an effort to “become one” with them.

“It’s a new thing kids are doing – not to get high, but to has some sort of internal bond with their close friends or significant other,” said New Brighton Hospital Chief of Staff, Dr. Marvin Reece. “The problem becomes, though, that these kids are not thinking about the consequences, or the danger that can come from snorting any liquid – especially blood.”

Dr. Reece says he has treated more than a dozen cases of “blood poisoning,” where a teen has literally cut open their friend or boyfriend/girlfriend, and snorted the blood that dripped from the wound.

“Unfortunately, two of the teens have died. This is a serious issue, because aside from blood-borne diseases, there is also the very real risk – and I know how silly this sounds – of drowning in blood when they do this. It’s a liquid going into your lungs, after all.”

Teens are urged to not try and snort anything, but “especially not blood,” says Dr. Reece. “If you’re going to snort anything, please – just go back to the good ol’ normal stuff, like heroin and cocaine. Maybe some crushed adderall. Whatever you kids did before. Just stop snorting each other’s blood, okay?”

Teens Allegedly Vandalize Cemetery in Name of Satan


ATLANTA, Georgia –

Paula McCain, who lives across the street from the Westview cemetery in Atlanta, witnessed the black-clad teens enter the graveyard and – recognizing that they were local goths – immediately called police.

Fearing a reputation of ‘rat’ in the community, McCain made it clear that she would not have normally called the police. “If it had been some boys from the football team, I’d have thought ‘boys will be boys,’ they’re probably just sneaking a beer. But devil worshipers going into a graveyard after dark – well, they’re likely sacrificing a cat or something.”

Officer Browne seized a half-smoked cigarette from one of the teens and confiscated a copy of the Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey as evidence. The 3 teens have been charged with vandalism for three old tombstones that appear to have been tipped over. The rumor that the teens are behind the recent disappearance of neighborhood cats has caught on and angry citizens are demanding that the courts throw the book at the kids.

Michael “Damian” Luther denies hurting anyone. “God must be sacrificed. ‘Under no circumstances would a Satanist sacrifice any animal or baby!’ It’s right there in the Satantic Bible. Look it up. If the pigs hadn’t taken my copy, I’d show you,” said Luther.

All three children are currently grounded by their parents while awaiting sentencing.

Internet Meme ‘Fat Emo Kid’ Dies After Choking On Carrot

fat emo


The Fat Emo Kid meme is one of the internet’s oldest, the picture often accompanied by the phrase, “when the world gets you down, eat it.” The boy in the picture, Mike Jones, was 16 when the image was taken and posted to internet forum Reddit, and it reportedly caused him so much grief, he went on a diet and lost over 200 pounds.

“Mike was a great kid, and he was just going through a phase of wearing make-up, throwing up gang signs, eating too much food,” said his mother, Marie. “I think all kids go through that at some point in their life. Anyway, after that picture went viral, it destroyed him, so he did something about it. He lost 211 pounds, and became extremely health conscience. Unfortunately, it was the healthy foods that killed him.”

According to Marie Jones, her son died last week after he choked on a baby carrot that was in a salad he was having for lunch.

“Mikey loved his carrots. He would eat anything, to be sure, but he did it in moderation after that picture made him internet famous,” said Marie. “I’m glad now, though, that Mikey is in heaven, where he can be fat again and eat all the cake and there will be no one to make fun of him. God wouldn’t allow it. Mikey certainly had an appetite for life, God rest his soul.”

Mike Jones would have been 23 on December 5th.

Teen Sues Parents For Grounding Him, Making Him Miss Concert Of Favorite Band

DULUTH, Minnesota – 

A Duluth teen has reportedly brought a $150,000 lawsuit against his parents for grounding him 3 weeks ago, forcing him to miss his favorite band as they made an appearance at a local venue.

Aiden Moore, 17, is suing his parents, Jacob and Rebecca, saying that if he hadn’t been grounded, then he could have gone to see his favorite band, Eyeliner Fiasco, and that all of his friends wouldn’t be bullying him for missing it.

“Everyone in my group, they can’t believe that I didn’t make it to the Fiasco show,” said Aiden. “They’re standing in the halls at school in their skinny jeans, their black make-up, and their hot pink hair, and they’re making fun of me, calling me ‘fag’ and stuff. It’s not right.”

Aiden claims that he was the one in his group of friends that got everyone into Eyeliner Fiasco in the first place, and that his parents have caused “irreparable harm” to his status at school by grounding him, and not allowing him to go to the concert.

“We didn’t let him go because we caught him stealing his little sister’s makeup again, and he was grounded for the weekend,” said Aiden’s mother, Rebecca Moore. “We don’t take grounding lightly in this house, and he knew the rules and broke them. We weren’t just going to ground him, then let him go to the concert anyway.”

The lawsuit was filed on behalf of Aiden by the ACLU, the American Children Loser’s Union, who help morons, losers, and emo kids to sue their parents when their own behavior causes conflict.

76-Year Old Grandmother Arrested For Phone Hacking

PEORIA, Illinois – 76-Year Old Grandmother Arrested For Phone Hacking

Imagine Mavis Thompson’s surprise when on Christmas Eve, two uniformed police officers showed up on the mild-mannered grandmother’s doorstep with a warrant for her arrest.

“I thought the policemen had the wrong address,” said Thompson, “but there was my name right there and in big letters, and the paper said ARREST WARRANT.”

“We had to take her in,” said Officer Mark Macon. “We got several sworn complaints that she was making aggravated, inappropriate, and indecent phone calls which were recorded by other parties.”

Thompson suffers from chronic post nasal drip, accompanied by a persistent, hacking cough. “It’s bad,” she said. “I’ve had it for years and I call the drugstore for my new prescription. The police said that’s how it started. It was that neighbor lady’s daughter who was the ringleader. She’s into the gothic faith that kids are following now – devil worship it looks like to me, with all the black eye makeup.”

Indeed, upon further investigation, it was “that neighbor lady’s daughter,” ‘River O. Darkniss,’ née Louise Hicks, who had concocted a scheme where she and her goth friends filed several complaints, alleging Thompson had made repeated threatening and inappropriate phone calls to different local businesses.

“These kids were cruel,” said Officer Macon. They called up Mrs. Thompson and recorded her voice, and made a prank sound board. They added in her coughing sounds so we’d know it was her. Everybody knows she’s a hacker – I mean a cougher – but this was just plain mean.”

The re-edited sound mash-ups were convincing enough for authorities to seek Thompson’s arrest. The computer whiz kids managed to turn innocent conversation into highly inappropriate language by editing recorded conversations with Thompson.

“I really want something for my throat, *cough* and I don’t know when I’ll be able to get back down that way in town there to pick it up; can you do that for me please and get back to me?” was a mild enough question that the teens turned into dirty remarks.

“I really want something to get down in my throat, *cough* I want to get it down there, way back down in my throat, please *cough* really get it in way down in there, *cough cough* I want a pick up, can you do me please, do me, really do me back there, please do me way down back there *cough* in my *cough cough* throat.”

“Things like that were just very inappropriate from an older person,” said Macon, so we started to suspect foul play. “Once we found out what was going on, we released her and arrested the kids.”

“It was terrible, and I’m glad it’s over,” said Thompson. “I don’t use that drug store anymore even though they apologized, but I can’t show my face there. Forgive and forget, and I’m trying, but now I always watch what I say on the phone. I certainly don’t want to pull anymore boners like that.”

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