NEW BRIGHTON, Connecticut –
George L. George, 62, is the Guinness world record holder for “ugliest man,” a prize that he holds very dear to his heart. But the one record that he holds even more dear, is his number of sexual partners.
The Guinness Records Committee has recognized George’s 28,976 sexual partners as the most in history.
“It’s really kind of amazing that they’re recognizing me for my two greatest accomplishments, my dashing looks and my massive sexual conquests,” said George, who lives in an abandoned shack in Connecticut. “It’s been a long time coming for me, I’d say.”
George says that he has “always looked this way,” and that he had his first sexual encounter when he was 3.
“It was a babysitter, as it often is,” said George. “She wanted me badly. I gave it to her. Never stopped giving it to them.”
George received both of his Guinness awards via general post delivery, and says he has plans to display them on his toilet.
MIAMI, Florida –
A Miami man, Mike Carson, has been officially recognized by Guinness World Records for having the smallest penis. According to Carson and his doctors, his fully-functioning penis is only 1/16th of an inch, the smallest for a fully-grown, adult male.
“For a long time, I was very embarrassed by my penis, but now, I pretty much just go with it,” said Carson. “I’m 29 now, and I’ve had girls who have come up to me, after they found out about it, and said they ‘just had to try it out,’ so I can’t even tell you how many women I’ve been with because of it.”
Carson says that he was picked on in high school locker rooms for years, because most of his classmates thought he might actually be a girl.
“For a long time, it got so bad [the teasing] that I thought I might be a girl, too,” said Carson. “The guys would laugh at me, and tell me it looked like I had a big clit, and they are right, it totally does. But it’s okay, because a lot of those guys died since high school. Heroin is a hell of a drug, and I’m climbing the ranks at a Fortune 500 company, so hey, you win some, you lose some right?”
Carson says he takes his record with pride, and has “no desire” to have surgery to enlarge his penis.
FLINT, Michigan –
A Flint resident, Mitchell Royale, 28, has set a new, unsanctioned world record for most time spent awake, at a total of 19 days, 3 hours, 26 minutes, and 14 seconds.
“The record is only unsanctioned because it’s too dangerous for Guinness to keep a record of anymore,” said timekeeper and friend Kenneth Foyer. “Mitchell really went hard on this challenge. He tried once a year ago, but only made it 7 days, not enough for a record.”
The previous record, held by Randy Gardner and set when he was only 17, was just over 11 days. Royale beat that time by over a week.
“He didn’t take any drugs at all, no coffee even, no caffeine. He just sat here binge watching shows on Netflix,” said Foyer. “I can’t believe he went as long as he did. When I was taking my shift sleeping, we had another time keeper, Gail, here with us. She says that Mitchell never even looked tired. He just kept hitting the ‘yes I’m still watching’ option on the remote, and caught up on like 7 different TV series.”
After setting the new record, Mitchell celebrated by instantly dropping dead of heart failure. He would have been 29 in June.